Heads up, Joel.

A sudden, minor earthquake rattled the Thomas household today.

Several porcelain dicks were cracked from the tremor, as were Joel's dobro guitar and pink boots. Power was restored within minutes of an outage, so none the frozen dick in Joel's garage freezer were ever in danger. What did not survive, however, was Joel's 14 foot house of cards, which fell almost immediately. Why Joel set it up in the driveway, none of us can know.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was disappointed to find its prized collection of Grey's Anatomy figurines strewn all about its quarters. It whimpered a bit but felt better once McSteamy and the rare Preston Burke figurines were found intact.

Their above-ground pool filled with goat semen, valued at $4500, was unfortunately destroyed.

(pictured above, Ayana displays a true relic: a portfolio with LAMINATED pieces with FELT backing)

Let's Cinch the EADJ Mail Sack Around a Certain Protruding Part of Our Body!

(pictured below, a submission by J'Net: Neighborhood Direct markets to couples such as Chris Kattan and the bass player from Sum 41)

Hellooooo, Demetrios!

(pictured above, a page from Chicago Social Bridal reveals the true identity of Jim Korakis– He's actually Demetrios, the god of freedom)

Congrats to the happy couple!

UPDATE: (from Wikipedia) Demetrios (Δημήτριος) is a Greek Orthodox christian name, derived from the name of Demeter, the Earth Mother, or ancient Greek goddess of dim is beastagriculture (????????? fucking Wikipedia). A common english transliteration is James or Jim. This is thought to be a common transliteration due to the proximity in date between St Demetrios and St James day in Christian Calendars.

When it rains, it pours shorter and fatter

the following is another SFVOSP entry by Andrew Gall:

I once again spotted my nemesis, Mr. Wood as I lollygagged in this morning.

A few things were consistent with yesterday's encounter: green button up shirt w/ jeans, presumably Tommy Hilfiger. Second: carrying of plastic bag which presumably contained his lunch. Didn't have time to notice footwear, as I was too busy fumbling with my camera, which resulted in the above ass shot. As I walked into the elevator, my camera flashed, startling at least 6 people. I mumbled something about it being early in the morning and went about my business. I don't think anyone was the wiser.

Mr. Wood, simply put, I'm starting to dislike you. Although you did have a briefcase today, your wardrobe and mannerisms were too much like yesterday. Shall our paths cross again and you're wearing another goddamn green shirt, I may have to say something.

This marks the first occasion that any human being has ever spotted the SFVOSP in consecutive days, thus earning Andrew the newly-forged Platinum Mollusk award.

Let's Tuck Our Genitals Between the Folds of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(below, a submission from Mel Kreilein: pictured right, a convincing doppelganger of a certain non-headline writing, trenchant copywriter who is well-traveled and loves a good pinot noir)

Dollar Store Throwdown Madness!

An innocent trip to a strip mall got Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarborough in a heap o' trouble.

The two were "checking out" a new smoothie place over by the tanning salon over by the gym with windows facing traffic– pretty standard stuff for LA. But their trip was interrupted by the discovery of a new Everything-In-the-Store-For-a-Dollar store. Couple that with the fact that Joel just got a $200 paycheck for some freelance work he did in March 2003, and you got a heap o' trouble. I said that already.

So before you could shake your dick in a shotglass of maple syrup, Joel and his chimp servant Chad Yarborough had knocked over 3 displays of stale off-brand cereal to get to the plastic mandals. His shopping basket was filled with pickle harmonicas, oversized crayons and a "Keds" branded incense burner. Employees of the store were desperately trying to calm Joel down, but he was just fucking shit up every which way. Lemme tell you, it was a HEAP O' TROUBLE.

Authorities had arrived 20 minutes later and arrested Joel. All of the merchandise was left with his chimp servant to purchase while Joel was being carted away, but unfortunately the paycheck hadn't been endorsed on the back yet. And the signature "Chad Yarborough" wouldn't match, either.

(pictured above, Bryan can do nothing to control Andrew's rage)

Curlz Before Swine

(pictured above, a set of pens tries to encourage our fat kids to "get out and play!")

SFVOSP Addendum

After writing an entry whose main thrust was about the SFVOSP's footwear, it seemed a little silly not to include that detail in the drawing. So Andrew drew this:

Harder, Better, Faster, Stronger, Shorter, Fatter

It has been a while since an update, but The Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson has once again been spotted. This ends weeks of debate over whether the SFVOSP had found another job, died, or never even existed.

Andrew encountered the illusive organism earlier this morning. Here is his account:

As I sauntered in around 9:30 this morning, I spotted the SFVSOP in his typical summer outfit: a long green button up shirt with a plaid pattern and his trademark baggy Tommy Hilfiger jeans. He also was wearing something that struck me as curious: socks with sandals. The question of why comes to mind. He was carrying some sort of breakfast meal (looked greasy) and a bottle of orange juice. As we entered the elevator, he was captivated by the Captivate screen. He commented to a colleague about the Pat Tillman incident. His undertone led me to believe he is a liberal SFVSOP. His voice is extremely high. Higher than Joel’s, even. Yet another piece of steadily mounting evidence that he’s a little “you know.” He departed on the usual 22nd floor and I headed on my way.

For breaking the dry spell, Andrew earns the coveted Gold Mollusk Award, only the second ever to be given out (the first recipient was Ryan Boblett. Remember him?)

(pictured above, Mr. Wood, No. 2 by Andrew Gall. Ink on Paper. From his private collection.)

Big sigh of relief.

Joel lucked out this week. Big time.

First, he lost over $15,000 to Michael Vick in Atlanta at some "dog competition." But when he went to his car to write a check, the police busted into the Vick mansion and arrested everyone. Score!

Joel then found himself the winner of a new Porsche 4-door Panamera for being the 100th caller at KROQ. The sleek, 18-foot long monstrosity boasts a V8 engine, CD player and cup holders!

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was cleaning the crawlspace and uncovered an ancient Mayan artifact that makes time stop. So not only does the artifact give Joel free rein at the Perkin's Family Restaurant buffet, it also provided Joel with a great idea for his next terrible screenplay! But where's the love interest?

And it was pure dumb luck that kept Joel from eating the tainted dick left in his refrigerator crisper. It had been contaminated with some poon tang earlier in the week and could have caused some serious gastric events in Joel's delicate consitution. Lucky lucky!

(pictured above, some weird shit that Jessica cobbled together)

*****Superbreaking NEWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!*****

EADJ has just acquired what is reportedly a new "Summer-themed" tabletent from Corner Bakery. Editors have confirmed the existence of a new, badly-written manifesto on the side, although its contents have not been examined or shared yet with the public. EADJ will be shooting the next round of dramatic readings of this new tabletent once its authenticity can be confirmed.

The Making of "Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster, #5"

A rare peek behind-the-scenes at a beloved blog segment. And like most DVD extras, it's pretty boring.

Let's break wind into the EADJ Mail Sack, then hold it over the head of our significant other!

(the following submission by Vince: a photographer who shoulda been a typesetter for puppy newsletters)

Opinionated

Hey, Pewter Bear. What did you think of the YouTube Democratic debates?


Goddamn, Pewter Bear, is there anything you say that doesn't make everybody want to stab you in the eyesocket? You are such a miserable little DIPSHIT. Die already.

Hello From Times Square!

(pictured above, I am a terrible, terrible person)

Nice Tips, Jessica.

Jessica provides the first stateside Wedding Tip since her trip to Botswana.

Hang in there, Rick.

Above, Rick tries to concept but the mean man in the big TV won't let him.

The Scourge of Backwards Devil Horns, A Photo Essay

The following are excerpts from the most recent issue of "Wassup" magazine. Or something.




Tragic.

Joel Takes a Stand on His Knees.

With celebrities like Rachael Ray and Tommy Lasorda pitching everything from duffel bags to blue cheese douches, Joel realized it was time for him parlay his notoriety to endorse some products he believes in.

Among these:

The Velour Loincloth by Dazzel®. Sparkly and sheer, even in the darkest of nightclubs. It lifts for easy access to dick, with handy velcro corners to keep the flap up while your going down. $44.99 at Structure.

The Stadium Buddy, Senior Golden Years Edition. Just like the common Stadium Buddy, but leakier and easier to use while always flaccid. Also reeks of "Grandma's Attic." $29.99

Dick Plus™. All the taste and texture of regular dick, but with added vitamins and minerals. $22.99 for a six pack at GNC.

Pelican Wings. Tasty barbecued wings of actual pelicans? Why? Fuck it! Available at Wing City and Domino's Pizzas. $4.99 with purchase of a medium pizza. Offer good through Sept 30. No subsitutions.

(pictured above, not every school in Connecticut is Yale)

Joel MacDonald Ate A Dick, E-A-E-A-D-J

What to do, what to do.

Joel locked himself out of the apartment this morning when he took some used dick containers out to the trash. Unfortunately, it was still 4am, and none of his neighbors were up yet. So Joel tried to fall asleep on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.

The nearsighted security guard Paolo saw a figure sleeping by the pool and just assumed it was a bum who wandered onto the premises. He swung his truncheon onto Joel's shins, creating a loud CRACK that woke him up.

But before Joel had a chance to protest and explain his situation, Paolo had bagged him in a lawn trash bag and proceeded to throw him over the hedges into an adjoining construction site, which was a good 30 foot drop.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough enjoyed a very quiet, leisurely breakfast.

(pictured above, the actual bed that I slept in while visiting my cousin in New Jersey)

Hey, EADJ, Put A Record On I Wanna Dance With My Baby

You can't make a tiger change its spots. You can't make a shark evolve more. And you can't make Joel eat more dick than he already does.

Two weeks ago a self-proclaimed "life coach" Jerry Fusili offered his services to Joel. He vowed to get Joel to tighten his buttocks, sculpt his abs and get the cock-eating muscles in his jaw to expand. Joel was reluctant but agreed.

Four days into a new regimen, Mr. Fusili had sculpted Joel's buttocks into the shape of a large, pale, hairy taco holder. Joel's abs were well-defined but soft in the middle. And Joel showed no marked improvement in his cock-eating skillz, which were by the way already excellent.

So on the fifth day Joel fired Jerry Fusili. They never even discussed a payment plan, so they parted ways with a deep kiss and a firm shake of their dongs.

(pictured above, the Bucktown Beanery is very mean with their cookie tags)

Let's Drip Some Astroglide on the Exposed Opening of the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted below, Vince gets sick of checking hotmail and pretending to work)

Jessica Lets Rip A Secret

Asscheeky Monkey

(Editor's Note: EADJ has been fortunate to have recently met up with Joel Himself in L.A. recently. The full interview and photo spread will be posted soon.)

Joel's getting more famous by the day.

Just yesterday, Dora the Explorer made an allusion to Joel on its program. While looking for "The Big Red Chicken," Dora mentions to her monkey companion Boots how their search is a lot like Joel's never-ending search for dick to eat. Kewl!

Restoration Hardware has announced a new line of outdoor furniture designed for Joel and his al fresco dick eating. The Coctoss armless chaise, for example, allows for adjustable reclining with a kneeling area and a jawrest, boasting weatherproof linen cushions and solid teak legs. $869, with free shipping.

In the most recent issue of Hustler Barely Legal, a woman dresses up as Joel and eats two dudes' dicks in an "homage/tribute." Hustler's editors wrote that they even recreated Joel's shitty studio apartment. The issue has been so popular that a copy can now go for $45 on eBay.

Joel has his own entry in Wikipedia! The entry breaks down his forty dick-eating techniques, his cultural significance, a full list of the celebrity cocks that he's eaten, and many, many misspellings.

(pictured above, Brad does some Curlz at his goodbye party)

To EADJ His Own

Word on the street has it that Tianna is planning a worldwide tour later this year.

TMZ has confirmed that 4 choreographers, several hundred roadies, and 5 sound engineers have been called to meet on Friday to launch her "Extremely Fluffy Paws and Effekt" tour in October. Also, some visual effects wizards have been asked to create a floating stage that can sustain the weight of a 4-piece band and a 14 ounce Angora rabbit in costume.

Jive Records, Tianna's record label, has not officially confirmed tour dates but has hinted that label mates Chris Brown, Joe, R. Kelly, 3LW, Ciara, Clipse, T-Pain, and Samantha Jade will be sharing a bus with Tianna.

EADJ will report more on this developing story as it develops. Or whatever.

Feet Fay Fick Foel

In an ongoing effort to keep his weight off, Joel has requested all potential dick-eatees to not slather their dicks in gravy or ranch dressing.

"It's very thoughtful of you fellas to add a little something to the mix, and I do appreciate the gesture," Joel said in a booth in a Bob Evans off the freeway, "But a man's gotta keep his figure down, and too many fatty condiments add up. Especially when I'm eating like 800 in one sitting, BURP."

Since 2003, Joel has lost a total 48 lbs. and is now at a very agile 130 lbs. 132 if he has two dicks in his mouth.

In response to Joel's new request, many local eateries and grocery stores are now offering a "No Trans Fat" version of a popular lime tequila dick eating sauce.

(pictured above, Al Roker has the unmitigated Andrew GALL to tell people to eat healthier when all he did was cheat via gastric bypass surgery)

Word Up Your Arse

Nicknames for everyone!

Inspired by the President's penchant for handing out unwanted nicknames, Joel started dispensing his own to those around him:

His Long's Drugs pharmacist is now known as "Janky."

The dude with the big nose at the barber shop will hereforth be known as "Sunnuvagun."

His chimp servant will now answer to "Chad Yarborough." Why? No reason!

The cops that raped him that time will be called "Pushy and Penetrate-y."

Mr. Durwin, his neighbor from downstairs who accidentally killed his wife by running over her, will be labeled "The Widower-Maker." Janky!

And finally, every random dick that Joel eats he now calls either "Brad Harvey" or "Mel Kreilein." Why, Joel?

(pictured above, proof that Ponte Fresco hasn't made a heap of difference in the overall weight of 225 N Michigan residents)

This (uh) Is (uh, yeah) the (uh, uh) Remix.

remixed by Diddy at Bad Boy Productions. An EADJ exclusive.

Positive feedback all around.

So, everyone seems to like the "Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster" segment.

What do you think, Pewter Bear?


Oh, FUCK OFF, Pewter Bear. Your opinion means shit. Fucking choke on your tongue already.

Wedding Tips with Jessica Foster, Part 4

In this chapter, Jessica answers a common question regarding reception music.

Tits!

So Joel was off Tuesday, Wednesday, Friday, Saturday, and Sunday. He came in to work on Thursday to just pick up a paycheck, but Janice and Rashid convinced him to stay since he was the only one who knew how to adjust the deep fryer to make onion rings.

All that time off was enough for Joel to concentrate on his new terrible screenplay: the story of a young couple who love each other and want to get married but have to get Robin Williams' approval before walking down the aisle. Robin Williams will have plenty of room in the script to "improvise" and make "off-the-cuff" remarks while still staying in character– Joel has built these sections into the script labeled [ROBIN FUNNY]. He has also written his chimp servant as Robin Williams' parochial assistant, although the chimp servant has flatly refused to read for it. Maybe a chubby child...

Some Warner Brothers execs have expressed both interest and arousal from the budding screenplay. Two likeable (but not yet bankable) stars have signed up for the lead roles already: John Krasinki and pop singer Rihanna. Variety has lauded the studio for bravely depicting an interracial couple with its headline: MISCEGENATION RULEZ!

Warner Brothers have generously agreed to pay half of Joel's August rent in exchange for the completed screenplay. Joel is PSYCHED!

(pictured above, Kelly Clarkson bridges the generational gap between the insecure, useless, shoppy white chicks under 18 and the insecure, useless, shoppy white chicks over 18)

Let's rest our chin on the space between the opening of the EADJ Mail Sack and the other, smaller opening!

(Submitted below, a composite sketch of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, built by Matt Webb, who last spotted it on May 21.)

Dickens Side Joel

Cleanup time.

Joel woke up at 7am this morning to find himself naked amongst spent firecrackers, piles of half-eaten dick, and a coupon for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut. Needless to say, he had a lot of tidying up to do before his parole officer swung by at 3. Luckily his chimp servant was on hand to sweep all the ashes and dick into the apartment complex pool which was ashy and dicky already.

Officer Myron Noodleman came by to check up on Joel to make sure he hadn't been doing drugs or using the internet to scam old ladies out of their hard-earned dick. Everything was in order, so the meeting was brief, civil and without incident.

It was a good thing that Officer Noodleman hadn't checked the attic crawlspace, however. Joel would have had a lot of explaining to do with 30 castrated sheep carcasses, each wearing a cutout mask of Nick Lachey. Lucky Joel!

(pictured above, some part-time CKers fill in for everyone who's off for the holiday)

Oooooooh! Aaaaaaaaaahh!

EADJ wishes both of its readers a Happy Independence Day.

Work it out, Chimp Servant.

Joel had been complaining about his chimp servant's low muscle tone and weak upper body strength. So he bought it a year-long membership to Shaz, the local hip gym, complete with Olympic-length pool and climbing wall area.

At first, the chimp servant resented wearing the obligatory tank top and shorts. And the treadmill buttons were too high for it to adjust the speed. But after a few weeks, it started to visit Shaz at every opportunity.

In a short period of time, the chimp servant has improved its core muscles, its oblique abs, and its endurance in the sauna. The newly-buff chimp also has been seen canoodling with Rebecca Romijn and Rebecca Gayheart. Joel has meanwhile gained 10 lbs., although his dick-eating burns tons of calories per day.

The chimp servant has recently challenged its master to a wrestling match in the Shaz parking lot. Rebecca Gayheart will be on hand to both referee the match and to run over children while driving with a cell phone. Bookies have 23 to 1 odds on Joel winning the match.

(pictured above, Andrew at one of those lunchtime Bad Film Club viewings. Can't remember which one. "Frogs?")

Curlz My Lip.

(pictured above, a trip to the cookie aisle is ruined by Peter Krivkovich)

Tabletent Reading II

Nilla Please

(pictured above, a cutout photo representation of a candle that's scented like ice cream that's flavored like a vanilla bean)

Ripped Off Tagline o' the Month

(pictured above, some very possible litigation)