Thursday, July 31, 2008

Epilogue To Unnamed Project

After the debacle of Project B_____ after an Unnamed Organization started getting pissy about it (the exact OPPOSITE of Jerald's reaction), some readers have been asking who our confederate at that organization and if they're doing okay. Their report:

The end of the (tale) is that the (unusual) (parcel) has all been (distributed) and is in the (claws) of (folks) who (uttered)...."yeah, I can really use that. (Also, Dita Von Teese skateboard ragamuffin One-dollar-per-year-in-business as a Christmas bonus was really fucking cheap.)"

Since Unnamed Organization has been known to screen their emails, key words have been altered with synonyms (in parenthesis) and an additional fake sentence has been added to the end to confuse any automatic or manual searches to track down and discipline said confederate. Your identity is safe with us, dear confederate!

Jerald and Why He Prevails.

Sometime last week we had mentioned receiving a message from Jerald via the WAYN (now pronounced way in) website. And in order for Jerald to send me a message, he had to have seen my profile photo:

But rather than get snippy or huffy about the photo, he sent a LOL, a :), and a "Dooooooode that's a funny photo man!" He then proceeded to make plans for our next outing next month which will include playing pool and foosball. Motherfucking class act. He really is "the Man."

Stay tuned for our next awesome EADJ/Jerald outing in August!

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

An Open Letter To Everyone Who Uses One Of Those Nextel Walkie Talkie Phones

Dear Everyone Who Uses One Of Those Nextel Walkie Talkie Phones,

About that "push-to-talk" feature on your phone. Is there any other setting on those things besides AIRHORN FUCKING LOUD? That annoying chirp announces to everyone on the bus or bank line that you're about publicly engage in a worthless conversation. Something like this:

"Where you at?"
"Where you at?"
"Home Depot."

The mere fact that you and your buddy have to constantly repeat yourselves shows how sucky your phones are, plus it doubles the ear-piercing chirps that everyone has to endure, if you've ever noticed. But I'm guessing you haven't.

Nobody wants to hear you announce that you think "Shelly is a flirt," because nobody cares. What it comes down to is, your life is basically ordinary and lame, and you broadcasting to everyone your little conversations with your little friends about your stupid lives makes you even more pathetic and unbearable.

But maybe your main motivation for talking on those phones is money– the fact that you don't have to pay for minutes if you just use the walkie talkie feature, right? Wow! Score one for you, sticking it to the cell phone companies, saving like 20 dollars a month! BEEPBEEP! You fucking suck! BEEPBEEP!

Choke on urine!

Eat A Dick Joel

BONUS POINTS: Nextel user driving a Hummer and drinking Fiji water- the Douchebag Trifecta!

BLOG ENTRY UPDATE: Apparently this bit was done years ago with John Reid at Blamer-Brasselt in Chicago. So credit also goes to him on this rant.

Tuesday, July 29, 2008


Larry K's bragging about having finished Bloxorz motivated me to push through Level 31. Thanks, Larry!

Hell is A Bridal Shop.

It's four months after the wedding, and we can finally settle down and never have to talk about weddings ever again, right? Wrong! I had to accompany the new wife to a bridal salon so that she could have the dress PRESERVED and TOUCHED UP. The shop's proprietors are two very lovely but chatty women. Add the fact that J'Net brought a PHOTO ALBUM OF THE WEDDING, and you've got one seriously bored-out-of-his-everlovin'-skull groom.

I could have left the shop, but the shop is located in Haddonfield, NJ, which is essentially a Thomas Kinkaid painting brought to life. So no porn shops, casinos, or walls to tag. So what was my recourse? I took a flight of fancy through the magic of my imagination.

I grabbed the nearest reading material– an Alfred Angelo "Special Occasion" separates catalog– and proceeded to let my mind wander. I played a game called "Pick 5 Women in This Catalog That I'd Bone and Why."

And after deliberating for 10 minutes, here were my picks (it must be noted here that this was an intellectual exercise in the front window of a store– there was no self-frottage happening):

5) "The Middle School Chaperone"

This model, who I've nicknamed Frida, with her buxom frame and come-hither look definitely stood out as bone-able.

The fact that she's standing in a corner, as if she just snuck out of the middle school gym for a quickie doesn't hurt either.

Hey, Frida, make sure the kids aren't spiking the punch bowl again!

Bonability Factor: 6

4) "The Kitty Dukakis"

Now, I'm no MILF hunter, but I am a total sucker for a lapel-less jacket with matching buttons and cuffs.

"Cheryl" here wears the outfit with class, style, and a little bit of irony. Very bonable.

Standing proud against the wall as if she's facing either paparazzi or a firing squad, Cheryl does it with all the detachment of someone not getting emotionally involved with a boning.

Bonability Factor: 7

3) "The Galadriel"

Frida's back in a corner with a naughtier, more revealing ensemble.

As if emerging from her tree dwelling at Caras Galadhon, she offers refuge for Frodo Baggins and the Fellowship of the Ring.

And a little revealed leg shows that her temptations are almost as strong as that of the One Ring. Good show, Frida!

Bonability factor: 8

2) "The Nancy Reagan/ The Booty Shifter" (tie)

"Karla" and "Miriam" both exude sexuality, but from different ends of the spectrum, with the same end result.

Karla's prim, straightforward manner tells you she wants to schedule a serious boning.

Miriam, however, slyly throws that ass around as if to say, "Oh, did you notice my ass? It's available for boning."

Bravo, ladies, you're both winners!

Combined bonability factor: 9.5

1) "The Aged Trophy Wife"

This model, nicknamed "Cherise," has a bored playfulness about her that defiantly confirms her sexuality.

Drunk and leaning against the wall for support, she doesn't care if her CEO husband sees her flirting with the young bartender at the charity function. He doesn't give her the business like he used to, and she's a Rob Roy away from telling the whole party that he can't get it up anymore.

But she'll bone you at the drop of a hat.

Bonability Factor: 4,000

Monday, July 28, 2008

You Might Not Be Ready For This.

Just when we thought the matter had died down, and there was no more reason to ever report on it again, it happened: we came across a TALLER, YOUNGER VERSION OF SCOTT PETERSON.

Such a bombshell has rocked the scientific community, especially since the last spotting of the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was as long ago as October 26, 2007 by Emilies Sander and Kane. Journals everywhere are scrambling to publish the findings. Curiously, however, Scott himself is unimpressed:

(via email) "There is a slight resemblance, however he seems to lack my outgoing personality."

Personality aside, this new discovery opens a whole slew of new possibilities. Is Scott not the end but merely a link in the ongoing evolution of his species? Or could it perversely actually BE the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson who's moved to New York with weight-loss, shoe lifts, and a few chemical peels? Such a notion is possible considering the abrupt end of SFVOSP spottings in Chicago.

It should again be noted here that Vince has NEVER seen the SFVOSP.

Friday, July 25, 2008

Joel's On a Tear!

And just when you thought Joel's dick-eating adventures had plateaued.

While standing in line for the new 3G iPhone– which is really odd seeing how there aren't lines anymore– Joel took the opportunity to eat the dicks of all the Mac employees, customers, and camera crew members out on the plaza at the Santa Monica Open Air Bullshit Promenade. Joel's rapid-fire technique allowed him to eat six times as much dick as the Apple Store could sell iPhones. Melanie Griffith even marveled at Joel while striding in to buy a "pink iPhone."

Unfortunately, in his haste, Joel accidentally ate someone's iPhone. The poor Apple customer had no chance to retrieve the expensive item, for Joel had already chased it down with eight more ding dongs. The guy will have to wait till sometime tomorrow morning to retrieve his new iPhone and make calls with it.

(pictured above, hopefully a mostly-online realtor in Brooklyn)

This Just In (Or Out)

The following is an IM conversation sent by an anonymous person in Chicago. The chat window was left open, and the Senior Account person and a producer here in New York could read it during a conference call in my office:

"just took the weirdest dump

you know those soy noodles!? the fettucini ones

so i am pooping ..

look down and i keep pooping but there is a section of poop connected to one of those noodles hanging out of my butt

it wouldn't come off. it was like a dog that eats hair"

So, like, guess who.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Some People Wait All Their Lives To Have This In Their In Box:

More on the message's contents later.

Four True Facts About Matt G and One Lie

• He played Baron Von Trapp in the high school production of "The Sound of Music," but since he couldn't sing, he didn't do a solo of "Edelweiss."

• He's short.

• Earlier this week, he asked me why I haven't filmed him for a "What Matt Thinks" segment, which we now plan to do on Friday.

• He studied a semester abroad at Oxford.

• He once punched a bouncer so hard in the nuts that the guy passed out.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

A Quick Note For The Fine Folks at Istanbul

Hey Istanbul Dudes-

I've seen you used Photoshop to create some sort of clipping path around the food for your takeout menu. Since you had it open already, you know you could've changed the color balance so the meat didn't look so green, and those two things on the right wouldn't look so much like glistening turds.

Matt G

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From "Sinkers Hooks and Things," by Douglas Kelvin, where he sings a song about the passing of his father, a comment by 19 year old JatzaKid:

"thats really touching if you know what i mean"

Tuesday, July 22, 2008

Ace In the Hole

There are these bagel carts all around the city that are always busy in the morning. They're along the way to a lot of people's office buildings (including Toucan Cleric's Fun), so it's very convenient to stop and buy a bagel for a quick breakfast.

The problem for me is the way the bagels sit on little shelves along the cart with the vendor just standing in the middle of it. Seems unhygienic. Especially when some of them are sitting on a shelf that's essentially cock-level. Add the fact that it's been a heatwave, and that bagel cart is in closed quarters, and BINGO– Sweaty balls millimeters from your onion roll!

Don't get me wrong- I'm not like some OCD-type handwashing germophobe. I just find it a little bit unsettling to eat something that's been sitting inches from some dude's crotch. Sure, an apron probably helps, but the guy who works the one near my office doesn't wear one. So, cock and balls.

Monday, July 21, 2008

Yes. He Prevailed.

“There are some days when I think I'm going to die from an overdose of satisfaction.”
-Salvador Dali

Wow. So much to process. So much to take in. It's really difficult to go point-by-point of the experience that it was to meet Jerald for lunch on Saturday. Tom & I have yet to talk about it afterwards. Maybe because that would somehow spoil our individual takes on the encounter. Suffice it to say it was epic. It was moving. It was everything we had anticipated and hoped for. It was probably better than "The Dark Knight."

We dumbly scheduled the lunch at noon at Loreley, even though the place doesn't open up until 1pm on Monday. So Jerald graciously invited us to hang at his place, where we got to know a little more about 'the Man.'

• He's a freelance fashion designer
• He doesn't pop his collar every day (maybe only for special occasions?)
• His roommate Justin couldn't join us because he went mountain biking at the last minute (which I thought was a little rude)
• He's big into jazz and has been playing the saxophone for a few years. Most notable jazz idols: Thelonious Monk, Coltrane, and Miles Davis
• He's a good host

He then showed us the rooftop to his building, which was a revelation in regards to the infamous photo.

So we finally got to the end of the meal (final bill, $130 but SO WORTH IT). Satisfied with the mystery of the photo being solved, Tom and I bid Jerald adieu and went back to our boring non-Jerald lives. Final verdict: Jerald is a totally cool guy who just happened to take the most random photo we had ever seen. Plus he promises to update his WAYN profile to include Canada and France, two countries he indeed has visited. And one other thing: he pronounces the website "Way In." That's awesome.

Friday, July 18, 2008

"I'll Just Take the Next Bus, Thanks."

(pictured above, New York City continues to be safe for people who are observant enough)

Let's Open the EADJ Mail Sack To Get Our Minds Off the Fact That An Unnamed Organization Made Us Take Down a Really Funny Project Entry!

Submitted by Tom Weingard, an almost-winning EADJ sweepstakes entry:


A certain Project was removed after certain parties and certain organizations started getting upset about it. The print version of the previously named project will, however, be made available at all Stuckey's rest stops.

Lyrics! (Not the Gay Bar)

EADJ guest writer Andrew Gall has noticed that rapper Ghostface Killah waxes poetic about more than just rims and ice. Here he has compiled Ghostface's most notable rap subjects.

On sleeping late every day:

“Get up. Think of an invention. Invent a new toilet bowl or something…"

On how to dress:

“Don’t be trying to be rainbow man…”

On jewelry:
“Don’t buy jewelry from the back of The Source…”

On taking a shower:
“Wash your face, then your nuts. Don’t wash your nuts, then your face…”

On brushing your teeth:

“Brush your tongue. That’s where all the old food lies. Brush that shit ‘til it bleeds…”

Sure Beats "Chink Chink You Stink."

(pictured above, some graffiti in the subway with a level of depth I wasn't prepared for)

Happy Jerald Lunch Eve!

"From the death of each day's hope another hope sprung up to live to-morrow."
-Charles Dickens

Weeks have come down to days. And now, days to hours. Anticipation has crescendoed into a palpable, feverish buzz. WE ARE MEETING JERALD TOMORROW.

July 19, 2008 will be an historic date for Eat A Dick Joel. That's why we have decided to declare July 19 National Jerald Prevalence Day. Observance of this day will begin next year with the following itinerary:

8:00am General Welcome and releasing of the doves
8:30am The Popping o' the Collar
9:00-9:15am Mid-morning snack
9:15-10:00am Breaking up into discussion groups and "buddies"
10:00-11:00am Stretching and Calisthenics
11:30-12:00pm Pre-lunch snacks
12:00-2:00pm Lunch
2:00-2:30pm Mopping Lessons
2:30-3:00pm Talent Show
3:00-5:30pm Orgy
5:30-6:30pm Mid-afternoon snack
6:30-6:45pm Lecture: Popular Patio Floor Materials and Their Maintenance
6:45-7:00pm Dinner
7:00-10:00pm Awards Ceremony and Certification / Hoe Down

Thursday, July 17, 2008

Now It's Time To Prepare.

"By failing to prepare you are preparing to fail."
-Benjamin Franklin

Some possible questions that EADJ is going to ask Jerald on Saturday (list is still being revised):

• What's with that photo?
• Which shirt collars do you pop, and which do you not?
• Does your roommate always catch you by surprise?
• Can you be more specific in your interests (art, music & concerts, watching DVD's/Videos)?
• Why would you mop a patio?
• Have you watched "The Incredible Hulk" yet? It's pretty good.
• Why do you only travel to Germany– and no other countries– then back?
• Have you ever heard of "Eat A Dick Joel?"
• How do you plan to prevail?