Wednesday, July 31, 2013

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up, Summer Beach Issue

Tessa shows off the latest Czech Republic fashion in an all-denim pantsuit covered by a vinyl jacket and purse made from the skin of a Romanian dog.

Meanwhile at the Jersey Shore, J-Woww stands all contrapposto while her guido juicehead boyfriend aggressively stakes the joint out for someone to defend her honor against. By the way, "Jersey Strong" never meant "Jersey Smart."

Cam and Cam sport matching stripes down the boardwalk as they discuss New Order vs. Depeche Mode.

Valerie was pretty sure she nailed the job interview. Pretty sure.

There's short pants, and there's get-followed-by-a-creepy-guy-with-a-camera short pants.

George celebrated the recent civil union between André 3000 and by eschewing socks in church. 

No change here. Have a great, fun summer, girls!

Madeline, or "Tragic Contessa" as she's about to be known as at school for the rest of her senior year, gets ready for prom.

Girl, Rhonda looks good in a pattern. Mmm hmm. Looks good. Purse don't even have to have a pattern. That shit can be solid white. Rhonda can pull it off just with her outfit. Mmm hmm.

Betsy uses a bold red top to distract from the eye-bleeding pattern combination of her leggings and bag that makes your retinas explode.

Times have been tough for Gail since Steve Jobs' death.

Fiona texted the entire concert, although it was a miracle she could see her phone past those ginormous snoobs.

Hey, laugh all you want. Laugh at his golf shorts swimming trunks or her overstuffed, over-revealing bikini. Laugh at the contrast of the two different body types. And sure, laugh at their hats. But fuck it. They found each other, didn't they? They could certainly give a shit about you.

Tuesday, July 30, 2013

What's Going On Here?

I spotted this threesome around 10pm in a New York City parking garage. This series of photos tells an incomplete story of two guys and one girl- who are they? How do they know each other? What are they talking about? Why haven't they shot at me yet?

Here now are several scenarios that we cooked up that attempt to explain who these three are:

• A young man named Chell goes on a date with his high school crush. He learns she does cocaine, so before he takes her to a club, they visited Chell's drug dealer cousin who works at a parking garage to score some coke so Chell can "score."

• Monica breaks up with Tristan when he fails to propose to her on their fifth year dating anniversary. She immediately dates an older boy, who proposes to her after only 3 weeks of dating. Monica and her new fiancé pay a visit to Tristan at his job at the parking garage to announce the engagement. Tristan plays it cool although it's breaking his fucking heart.

• Donovan is always protective of his sister Gwen and has a great sixth sense of which guys are bad for her. Gwen knows this and takes whatever boy she's dating to get a sense if he's worth dating. Their code is this: If Donovan has both feet down, the guy is solid. If he leans against a column and lifts one leg, however, the guy is probably either a irredeemable douchebag or a useless momma's boy.

• McMillen is a veteran cop who happens to just look young. He poses as an attendant at a parking garage adjacent to a known mob-owned restaurant to keep an eye on the low-level players to observe which ones are moving up in the organization. Here he is casually making small talk to mob enforcer Joe "Prosciutto" Panelli and his show-offy ditz girlfriend Candace. Rated R for violence and brief nudity.

• Seth is a clumsy, lovable bear of a guy who just wants to have a girlfriend. After hitting it off with a nice girl at a late night yogurt joint, he takes her to the aquarium, four bars, a dance club, one of those places where you can paint pottery, a fondue joint, and finally back to his car at a parking garage. Hector, the parking attendant, is about to tell Seth that the girl is a prostitute.

Monday, July 29, 2013

Another Brief Summary of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Thinking

The following is an accurate account of what Sela, attendant at the "Cool Topic" kiosk in the Seven Bridges Mall in Dispatch, MA did while working on July 20, 2013:

• tried to fit her fist in her mouth
• thought about the plot holes in "Pacific Rim"
• called her daughter to ask what "twerking" is

The following is an accurate account of what Kelvin, attendant at the "Solo Computing" kiosk in the Valhalla Shopping Center in Kergie, SC did while working on July 18, 2013:

• gave the manager at Bose the stink eye
• adjusted his piercing by uncrossing his legs
• vowed to befriend a Jew this year

The following is an accurate account of what Rodney, attendant at the "Coin Connexion" kiosk in the Dumphrey Mall in Sarasota, FL did while working on July 18, 2013:

• beat his high score on Draw Something
• licked his canker sore raw
• remembered that his wedding anniversary was two weeks ago

The following is an accurate account of what Mikembe, attendant at the "Bath Fitter" kiosk in the High Point Mall in West Egg, AZ did while working on July 19, 2013:

• hummed that Amy Grant song
• made a mental note to smile more, even when he was constantly in excruciating pain
• recited every one of Susan Sarandon's lines in "Bull Durham," but in Swahili

The following is an accurate account of what Yancey, attendant at the "Hatfuckers" kiosk in the Fictional Mall in New Delhi, PA did while working on July 21, 2013:

• tried to understand today's "Garfield"
• smoothed his flyaway eyebrows
• shat his Dockers

The following is an accurate account of what Layney, attendant at the "Eyebrow Threading Now!" kiosk in the Eastlake Mall in Jaundice, MS did while working on July 17, 2013:

• disowned her family by text
• threaded this fat cow's nasty-ass eyebrows
• scratched her eczemic taint with a pencil 

Friday, July 26, 2013

In Defense Of CBS 2 News' Alice Gainer

Here at EADJ, we feel it's important to take more than one stance on an issue, as we've demonstrated on our famous entries on the abortion debate and immigration reform.

So instead of lambasting Alice Gainer and accusing her of trying to break up the best damn news team of all time,  we stopped drinking the hateorade and have decided to entertain the idea that Alice Gainer is instead a reliable fill-in.

Perhaps we were hasty in judging Alice Gainer and felt threatened based on her looks, which when you think about it, was everything that Martin Luther King, Jr. was fighting.

So let's show appreciation to Alice Gainer for being that clutch team player, that trustworthy substitute teacher who can be there at the drop of a hat. THANK YOU, ALICE GAINER!

Here is a full list of Alice Gainer's journalistic awards on her website.

Thursday, July 25, 2013

Let's Deny The Right To Vote To The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submiited by Megan Gall (via Andrew in a text):

"Megan found the worst office art ever."

Wednesday, July 24, 2013

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Zo wanted to make a good impression on his first day as a welder by showing up at 5am on Sunday although the shop opens at 9am. On Tuesday.

Serengeti got in serious trouble with his 14 year old sister when he was caught stealing her art school sketchbook for an album cover (She's a huge Steven Seagal fan, apparently).

You have no idea how badly Joe would like one of those crew neck cardigans from J.Crew right now.

Are these guys on a fishing trawler? Or are they supposed to be arctic explorers? Even Drake is confused.

"Okay, Rocko, K-Major, and Ralph... sorry, Yung Ralph, this is your first major release from Grown Men Entertainment, and I want you guys to think long and hard about the title of this album, because first impressions are important and all..."


Ah, nuts. Action Bronson invites a couple of nice girls he met in the lobby up to his room for some drinks and "Burt Wonderstone" on Pay Per View, and they wreak havoc in the bathroom. Man, the Doubletree is going to hate Action Bronson after this.

If "Drizzy" is back for the fifth time, why doesn't Drizzy just move in and stop transporting his toothbrush and contacts case in his little man purse back and forth like a goddamned gigolo? And who turned down the dimmer in this place?


As borrowed interest goes, Jadakiss does pretty well by modeling himself after the intriguing millionaire Jay Gatsby. The three problems being 1) Jay Gatsby is a tragic loner of a figure; 2) "Rapsby" is a horrible pun to float out there; 3) I'm pretty sure Jadakiss hasn't lost that much weight in his midsection last time I checked.

Why is J. Cole's photo in so many confusing mixtape covers? He's like "Whoa whoa whoa there. Shit is exploding around us, so are we standing on the top of a skyscraper or on the deck of a floating platform? And what does this have to do with the 'World War Z' novel? It has almost no connection other than the title- just like the movie. Did you see that movie?"

Money Boy. Where to begin here. Maybe I believe that this German rapper's midsection is that thin, but I don't think that's a real patterned suit. Plus, nice job photoshopping nude models into a photo of the back of a local Victoria's Secret.

Here now is a sample of Money Boy's flow, just in case you were wondering:

"What? Your guess is as good as mine. Songversation? Meh." *shrug*

This LEGO minifig shows just enough detail of Lil' Wayne's tattoos and dreadlocks while staying disturbingly toylike with its lobster-like claw hands and face. And I can't believe I missed the first three Lil Tunechis.

This is the album cover to Starlito's CD, entitled "Cold Turkey." GET IT?!

Please, no more phone calls or solicitors at this address. The Ying Yang Twins are clearly in session with plenty of ass here. Can't you read the sign? No, don't even leave Chinese Menus on the doorknob. They will not have time to order in with all the ass in this particular session. Sorry.

Tuesday, July 23, 2013

A New Friend?

Pictured below, some random girl (or bot) tries to make a connection with me via the Facebook Messenger:

Monday, July 22, 2013

An Imagined Conversation

"Oh, Dios mío, that was a long flight, José!"
"Yes, Pedro, but finally, here we are, hello America!"
"Uh, yeah. About that, guys..."
"Yes, Mister American in a suit?"
"The thing is, amigos, your host families ducked out of the commitment of hosting youse. Last minute, like, when you guys were in the air."
"¡Ay no! What are we going to do, José?"
"We are going to be destitute, Pedro!"
"No, it's cool, guys. On the way here to the airport, I posted a sign on the side of a random road in New Jersey advertising for anyone to become your host family for the month of July. I'm sure to get a bunch of responses."
"From who?"
"People who happen to drive by, I guess. People who like the Spanish."
"Mister American, this sounds like a very terrible idea!"
"No, it'll be fine, guys. Just you see how many...*cell phone rings*... Oh wait a minute, guys. Here's our first caller! Hello?"
(cell phone chatter)
"Yes, this is he. You called about the Spanish students?"
(cell phone chatter)
"Um, I guess both of them are pretty sexy if you think about it. What was your name, sir?"

Thursday, July 18, 2013

Hey Vevo

That window in the bottom left? I'm pretty sure that isn't live.