Let's Tighten The Suspenders On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall- WHO USES SPRINT- a texted image:

"2nd google image for 'ugly andrew gall,' behind the original" -AG

Upcoming Movies Based On My Wife's Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) Phone's Ringtones

In their constant search for original, unmined material to base terrible feature films on, a desperate Hollywood has previously turned to break room coffee flavors and seed names to get movie ideas. It was announced early today that Hollywood's biggest studios would be inspired by the new-agey titles of my wife's new Samsung Stratosphere (Dong) phone's ringtones.

"Mountain Temple"

starring Jim Caviezel, Jackie Chan and Judge Reinhold

Jim Caviezel stars as a lost tourist in the Himalayan Valley of Zanskar who meets a wise but mysterious guru (Chan) who teaches him how to kick and elbow punch his way into being more assertive at work. Judge Reinhold stars as the dickish boss who doesn't even see it coming.

"Nighttime Oasis"

starring Rachel Bilson and Chris Evans

This erotic NC-17 movie is a throwback to the sexy psychological thrillers of the 90's. That's all I know. Just hoping Bilson's nips get some screen time in this one. Directed by Adrian Lyne, of course.

"Over The Horizon"

starring Kristin Scott Thomas, Helena Bonham Carter and Kenneth Branagh

This very British-feeling movie follows the events of a 17th Century Duke (Branagh) and the trouble he discovers when his gardener's wheelbarrow loses a handle. Will the flowers in the East Garden be pruned in time for that evening's Spring Ball, hosted by the Duchess Kivortny (Thomas)? No.

"Rain Drops"

starring Chris Brown

Not a full-length feature film as much as a feature-length music video. Chris Brown sings and dances his heart out in a spectacular choreographed live show entirely in the rain that's reminiscent of Woodstock, Singin' In The Rain, and Honey. Also, Chris Brown is unrepentant in the vicious beating of his girlfriend Rihanna, who he recently split up with because he was cheating on her with a waitress. Directed by Alan Smithee

"Rays Of The Sun"

starring Nicole Kidman, Tila Tequila and Dustin Diamond

This WWII coming of age epic stars Dustin Diamond who is harshly scolded by his mother (Kidman) for giving a Japanese woman (Tequila) at the Manzanar relocation camp a Dirty Sanchez.

"Sea Breeze"

starring Matthew McConaughey and Kate Hudson

McConaughey and Hudson go at it again with their hit-making chemistry! This time, they're rival boat captains fighting over docking rights in the Virgin Islands. If you feel like you've seen this movie before, that's because most of the B-roll shots are from "Fool's Gold" and "How To Lose A Guy In 10 Days." Sea Breeze!

"Seaside"

This is just a cut down edit of "Sea Breeze" for cross country flights. United Airlines only.

"The Secret Forest"

starring Thomas Horn, Elle Fanning and Chloë Grace Moretz

This CG animated romp in an enchanted glen in a forest features a lot of 3D special effects that depict wonder, amazement and lots of flying shit. I dunno, butterflies? Sure. Whatever. Plus some deer and an owl and some fucking fairies. Sure. All characters voiced by Burt Reynolds.

More Hip Hop Album Cover Awfulness

Album: "Dirty Sprite, The Mixtape" by Future
Why It's Awful: Sprite? Really? Oh, wait a minute- it's DIRTY Sprite, so that's real street. My mistake.


Album: "Hatin' Don't Play" by H.W.A.
Why It's Awful: Okay, so when you're chubby like a 6-year old, and you wear athletic gear and baggy clothes like a 6-year old, you'd think you would avoid playing in the street like a 6-year old. Go to your room and think about what you've done. Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.


Album: "Money Everywhere" by Pooh Sauce
Why It's Awful: Okay, what self respecting worker would position his desk IN FRONT of the bank vault? You're eventually going to have to move the desk if someone wants to access it. And is Pooh Sauce on the phone while checking ANOTHER phone? Or does he have his finger in his ear? And don't even get me started on the name Pooh Sauce. And is that Noah's Ark in the reflection of the chrome letters? Pooh Sauce.


Album: "The Tonite Show" by Yukmouth
Why It's Awful: Nothing says "street" like Jay Leno and an unfunny talk show whose main demographic is over 50 years old.

An IM Convo

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From Lisanova's personal video blog telling people about Global Geek Week to raise awareness for 4 charities (Oxfam, WWA, The Humane Society and Live Strong), a comment by SnaixOnAPlane:

"I want to eat the brown stuff that comes out of your butthole lisanova.. is that going too far?"

Stay classy, SnaixOnAPlane.

Epilogue To Unnamed Project

After the debacle of Project B_____ after an Unnamed Organization started getting pissy about it (the exact OPPOSITE of Jerald's reaction), some readers have been asking who our confederate at that organization and if they're doing okay. Their report:

The end of the (tale) is that the (unusual) (parcel) has all been (distributed) and is in the (claws) of (folks) who (uttered)...."yeah, I can really use that. (Also, Dita Von Teese skateboard ragamuffin One-dollar-per-year-in-business as a Christmas bonus was really fucking cheap.)"

Since Unnamed Organization has been known to screen their emails, key words have been altered with synonyms (in parenthesis) and an additional fake sentence has been added to the end to confuse any automatic or manual searches to track down and discipline said confederate. Your identity is safe with us, dear confederate!

Lyrics! (Not the Gay Bar)

EADJ guest writer Andrew Gall has noticed that rapper Ghostface Killah waxes poetic about more than just rims and ice. Here he has compiled Ghostface's most notable rap subjects.


On sleeping late every day:
“Get up. Think of an invention. Invent a new toilet bowl or something…"

On how to dress:
“Don’t be trying to be rainbow man…”

On jewelry:
“Don’t buy jewelry from the back of The Source…”

On taking a shower:
“Wash your face, then your nuts. Don’t wash your nuts, then your face…”

On brushing your teeth:
“Brush your tongue. That’s where all the old food lies. Brush that shit ‘til it bleeds…”

Ripped Off Tagline o' the Month

(pictured above, some very possible litigation)

Let's shave the area just above and around the EADJ Mail Sack!

(submitted by Vince Soliven, an impostor who looks frighteningly like Joel would have, had he starred in Risky Business)