Monday, April 30, 2012

New York City. The Most Exciting City On Earth

Pictured below, a man helps a woman with her coat's zipper (or is the woman helping the man with his coat's zipper?). Either way, we are the world.

Friday, April 27, 2012

Well, This Is Bullshit.

I have devoted my entire life (since I was a youngling!) as a devoted student of the Jedi Order, learning the basics of political strategy, galactic law, the sciences, and multiple languages. My training had been long and exhaustive, from my earliest training at the Jedi Academy on Coruscant to advanced Force techniques on Yavin 4, where I learned Forms I through Form VI of lightsaber combat and was quickly selected by Jedi Knight Satal Keto for one-on-one training, thus avoiding the dreaded Jedi Service Corps by the Council of Reassignment.

I had been a faithful Padawan learner under Master Satal Keto for years, honing my skills, controlling my stronger emotions and training in the ways of the Jedi on long journey-missions with him, often traveling on diplomatic missions.

Master Keto recommended me to the High Council for the Trials of Knighthood, which were very difficult but not impossible, for I had learned much about the Force and was wear the robes of a Jedi Knight. And after some time, I at long last had been knighted by the Council, among whom I was honored to be judged by none other than Master Yoda himself.

So I did achieve Knighthood, but my training did not stop there. I pursued further study as a Consular which led me to the specialized field of Seer. I finally took a Padawan of my own to pass down my wisdom, and only then did I finally gain the true rank of "Jedi Master."

And now that I am one, you mean to tell me all I get is this piece-of-shit four dollar ribbon? You fucking assholes. What a gyp.

Thursday, April 26, 2012

The ProofrEADJer: End of April Edition

This one's a two-fer:

This one submitted by Jason Rogers:

And this other piece of Engrish by Tom Weingard:

Wednesday, April 25, 2012

A Brief Commentary By Cement Bird On The News Of Republican Nominee Newt Gingrich Dropping Out Of The Presidential Race

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to
Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and
preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, my wife is like
most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the
following letter from the local Target.

Dear Mrs. Samuel,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in
our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban
both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr.
Samuel, are listed below and are
documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1.June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other
people's carts when they weren't looking.

2.July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute

3.July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the
women's restroom.

4.July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice,
'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee
to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her
Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing
management to lose time and costing the company money.

5.August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on

6.August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7.August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the
children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and
blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged...

8.August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying
and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were

9.September 4: Looked right into the security camera and u sed it as a
mirror while he picked his

10.September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked
the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11.October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming
the 'Mission Impossible' theme.

12.October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by
using different sizes of funnels.

13.October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through,
yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14.October 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he
assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

And last, but not least:

15.October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile,
then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of
the clerks passed out.





Give me a sense of

Lord, give me the grace to see a joke,
to get some humour out of life,
and to the person receiving thisthe grace to pass it on to others.

Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

Tuesday, April 24, 2012

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Vipers, Starring Tara Reid

Tara Reid and Vipers. Taglines like "After the SLITHER comes the SLAUGHTER." What is not to love, my friends. What is not to love.

Monday, April 23, 2012

EADJ Crappinuum

So how did "The Casino Job" do?

(Click to enlarge)
Well, it sucked more than William Shatner's "Incident On A Dark Street" but it didn't suck quite as much as "Jeremy's Family Reunion." I would by no means call it enjoyable in any case.

The actual DVD Artwork:

Side note: I carried that DVD in my messenger bag for a few days, and people who spotted it in there automatically thought it was a porno. Thanks, "Casino Job" for getting me suspicious looks from a New Jersey Transit conductor.

The EADJ Crappinema Presents The Casino Job

Let me start off by warning you that this review might be a wee tad shorter than other Crappinema write-ups, mainly because the DVD to this movie had been damaged after being tossed about in the K-Mart cutout bin. The disc caused the movie to crash and skip entire key scenes throughout its viewing. And no, one of those "DVD Scratch Repair Kits" wouldn't help, either.

"The Casino Job" is the story of four attractive women Jennifer, Amber, Paradise and Torri (and their boyfriends) who pull off a huge heist in a Vegas casino using only the power of their boobs and their feminine wiles. Which includes boobs. Witty dialogue? No. Magnificent scenic vistas? Nope. Boobs? HEY, BUDDY, YOU'RE IN LUCK!!!!

The following is verbatim dialogue from this scene:

Her: Shit! That's a waste of two days.

Him: He's out. No pun intended.

Him: So what do you got going on for the next 12 hours?

Her: Why?

Him: Cuz, I think maybe you could come over for a little while.

Her: And do what?

Him: Well, I was just… you could just…

Her: How about… twenty minutes of foreplay, followed by some hard sweaty fucking… I'll start by getting down on my knees and taking off your pants…

im: (removing his sunglasses) Shut up. Just shut up.

(She looks confused)

Him: You had me at hard sweaty fucking.

(they kiss stupidly)

Well, shit. This was a formatting nightmare.

Overall grade: F

Still, tits.