Tuesday, December 30, 2014

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Previous installment of this segment here.

"Meteor" (1979) starring Sean Connery, Natalie Wood and Karl Malden

Mackabee (played by Connery): "You shee, we're the only hope that Earth hash. We need to shuccsheed."

"Just Go With It" starring Adam Sandler and Jennifer Aniston

Tom (played by Sandler) (singing): "♫ ♪ Ah pookee dookee ping ping wabba wabba ibby ibby ibby ibby ibby WHOOAAAHOOOOGAAAHHH waggle naggle taggle baggle bag-a-bag-a POCK POCK! ♫ ♪"

Jennifer Aniston (to camera): "It's a paycheck. Shut up."

"The Guvnors," starring Jay Simpson, Lee Nicholas Harris and Martin Hancock


The Judge" starring Robert Downey Jr and Robert Duvall

Attorney Sam Buckwell (played by Downey): "Who the hell are you to judge me?"
Judge J. Jury Judgeman (played by Duvall): "I am a judge."
Buckwell: "Oh, right."

"Fury" starring Brad Pitt, Shia Lebeouf and Logan Lerman

Commander Donald Truss (played by Pitt): "We've got to hold the line, boys. The outcome of the war depends on these four acres…Great God! Who farted? We're in close quarters in a tank here, guys. I mean really!"

Monday, December 29, 2014

The EADJ Pun Cops: The Equalizer (Classic TV Show, Non-Denzel) Edition

"Well, hello. I see you've seen my newspaper ad and have left me a message on my answering machine for help with your situation. I understand the urgency and the sensitivity of your dilemma, and I'm here to help, I assure you. Shall we get started? Excellent."

"'Reggae Bash?' As in the gentleman is about to bash the camera with his fists? No, I cannot say that this is a pun at all. Are you sure this wasn't a misfiled EADJ entry into 'This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness?' I believe so."

[Waves gun at mixtape producers until they scurry away]

"Oh, dear. It looks like Chick-Fil-A have overstepped their boundaries of good puns. 'Sear to sear' isn't even close, and 'You go, grill' is just moan-worthy. Well, let's not tarry, shall we?"

[Guns down entire Chick-Fil-A marketing department, adjusts tie]

"Oh, I see. I am familiar with the music of Queen- seeing how they are from the same country as I- so there might be a bit of leniency in order here. I'll allow it. For just this once."

[Fires blanks at newspaper editors until they wet their pants. Adjusts sleeves of his blazer]

"Great God. That is terrible. Terrible. Terrible."

[Pulls RPG out of trunk of Jaguar. Blows entire area to smithereens]

Friday, December 26, 2014

Some Hollywood Films Currently In Development Based On Rug Swatches At Home Depot

The following films have all been greenlighted by Warner Brothers, Sony Pictures, Columbia Entertainment, Lucasfilm and Miramax Pictures. All of these have been named after existing SoftSpring® brand rug swatches. Hey, they've had dumber ideas, you know.

"Ocean Breeze" starring Russell Crowe and Keira Knightley
A drunken sailor meets a spoiled socialite and they fight for two hours before he docks his schooner in her dry dock. Directed by Ridley Scott.

"Arctic Chill" starring Kevin Hart and Tracey Jordan
Two hardcore rappers take the wrong flight and end up in the Arctic Circle mistaken as geologists. Soundtrack by J. Cole, Drake, and Swizz Beats.

"New Dawn" starring Kristen Stewart and Robert Pattinson
Despite what it sounds like, this is NOT a Twilight installment. Stewart plays an out-of-place teenager who meets a boy with extraordinary powers. I know it sounds A LOT like Twilight, but trust us, it's based entirely on a CARPET SWATCH.

"Clambake" starring Jonah Hill, Don Wahlberg and Michael B. Jordan
Three high school losers find out where the biggest Senior party of the year is being held and use this knowledge to win over girls, get popular, and focus more on their academic studies.

"Lumber Yard" starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Angelina Jolie. Directed by Christopher Nolan.
Whatever it's about, critics are going to jizz themselves trying to praise everyone involved. LUMBER YARD!

"Timberline" starring Timbaland, Justin Timberlake, and Tim Burr
A funky new musical in the tradition of "Grease" and "Step Up 4: All In in 3D and IMAX." A veteran hip hop emcee (played by Flavor Flav) trains a talented white protege and takes over the music business a second time. We forgot to cast a female in this. Damn.

"Georgia Clay" starring Jamie Foxx, Lance Reddick, and Pepa
Foxx plays Dr. Amon Clay, a once-successful plastic surgeon in the Atlanta area who confronts his past patients who are all melting.

"Garden Cucumber" starring Sasha Grey
Now available for download.

Thursday, December 25, 2014

The Very Best Heartfelt Christmas Wishes Greetings To You From The Interns, Staff Writers, Art Department, and Editorial Staff at Eat A Dick Joel

♫ ♪ ♫ ♫ ♪ ♫

Christmas is a time for joying
Christmas is a time for love
Holiday cheer and carol-ing
Sledding as it snows from above

Ray watching Star Trek in the break room
Instead of working like he should
Now a running gag on Eat a Dick Joel
Strange how I always look at his ass


Tuesday, December 23, 2014

20 Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop star Ariana Grande will have you believe that she's the cutest, dimpliest, most adorable thing on the planet. Here, however, are twenty things in existence that are actually cuter than Ariana Grande, much to her chagrin:

1. Pigs in a blanket with baby corn next to it
2. Baby otters holding hands while floating on their backs
3. Pikachu
4. Pug puppies
5. Dewey from "Malcolm In The Middle"
6. Dwarf weddings
7. Ringbearers at dwarf weddings
8. Mini corn muffins
9. The Build A Bear Workshop hold music
10. The one guy in One Direction who doesn't look like he's wearing a wig backwards
11. U.S. Supreme Court Justice Stephen G. Breyer
12. Luxembourg
13. Kittens (every breed)
14. Mini Vaseline tubs
15. That new rolling droid in the "Star Wars: The Force Awakens" teaser trailer
16. Mexican children
17. Kermit's nephew Robin
18. My wife when she tries to suppress a sneeze
19. The word "eke"
20. Newborn Hobbits with tufts of hair on their tiny feet

Suck it, Ariana! Eke!

Monday, December 22, 2014

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Chris Miles goes back to the source and releases the realest booty album ever.

Before pot was legalized, there were no guidelines for sanitary storage of marijuana, resulting in a lot of surprised and vaguely satisfied customers.

Poor gullible Terrence was fooled every time someone played "The Roof Is On Fire." 

I swear that guy in the middle looks like a pinto bean.

"T-O-I-L-E-T  T-H-L?"

From Eli Roth's remake of "Babe."

"Pay my bill." "Yes." "Pay my bill." "No." "No." "No." "I would like to pay my cell phone bill." "Operator."

Friday, December 19, 2014

Pantone's Color Of The Year, 2015, Presented By Utz Snack Foods

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Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The EADJ Holiday Shopping Guide: Which Halle Berry Celebrity Perfume Is Right For You?

So you have to give your girlfriend a Christmas present and think she's too fat and disgusting but want to pretend you're fucking Halle Berry with your eyes closed. Here's a handy holiday guide to navigate the complex world of Halle Berry-endorsed perfume:

Perfume Name: Exotic Jasmine
Halle Berry's hair on the package: Monster's Ball
Contains hints of: jasmine, jasmine extracts, and some bile from Jasmine Guy
Will make your significant other: horny as an iguana in a boot store

Perfume Name: Closer by Halle Berry
Halle Berry's hair on the package: Gothika
Contains hints of: muskellunge, chirashi and sriracha
Will make your significant other: sweat like a hot, wet summertime dumpster

Perfume Name: Wild Essence: Halle Berry
Halle Berry's hair on the package: "Extant" TV series, which I heard started out promising but ended up sucking for some reason
Contains hints of: vanilla bean, horse
Will make your significant other: cheat on you with the guy checking receipts with a highlighter at Home Depot

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Let's Scrape The Baked-On Meat Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Geoff via MMS, Ne-Yo is a doppelgänger of ME.

Personally, I like my version of "Make It Work" better.