A Nicolas Cage Theory I Have

I have a theory that former box office king Nicolas Cage hasn't made a movie in years, and any recent release is simply a photoshopped poster of a movie that doesn't exist.

Argument 1: Nobody has seen these recent movies. Nobody. Have you? Do you know anyone who saw "Dying of the Light"? If they said yes, they're lying. Where do you even go see this?

Argument 2: These movies are never promoted. No movie posters, no website banners, no sign outside of Nicolas Cage's neighborhood. Nothing.

Argument 3: Lousy photoshop. Look at this one from "Left Behind". That looks like Nicolas Cage's face on another head! In fact, the face looks almost identical to the poster above it, like they just cut and pasted the face and pose and generated a fake movie for tax purposes.

I dunno. Maybe if you're reading this, Nicolas Cage, you could explain it to me and reassure me you're still gainfully employed. Or alive.

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Due to contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be removed from Netflix this week:

• Pus

• Zoey's Insufferable Playlist

• Seth MacFarlane's Animated Arcane References That Don't Know When To End

• The Deadliest Crotch

• Barack-ish

• Pretty Little Motherfuckers

Due to periodic contract negotiations, the following movies and TV shows will be added to Netflix this week:

• Bozark

• The Beastie Boys Live Documentary of 3rd Bass

• Stank Ass Hoe: The Musical

• But Wait, There's More! The Billy Mays Story

• Let's Glue Shit

• Antiques Road Hospice

The ProofrEADJer: January Isn't Over Yet? Edition

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on what's leftover from Netflix. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Bozack Makeover

• Dr. Pimple Popper, Senior Edition

• Hip Hop Hype Man Job Fair

• Real Geishas of Feudal Japan

• Still Photos of My Ass

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• MythPerpetuators

• We Follow Papa John Around While He Mutters

• Toddlers Playing With Dangerous Farm Equipment

• Goof Militia

• The USB Experience: The Series

Breaking: Some New Added Perks of an AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

Holy fuck, just when you thought being an AMC Stubs Rewards Member couldn't get any more tits, shit like this happens and your dick just gets even harder. Here are more perks to being a member, if you aren't already:

• Free escort to your car (bad neighborhoods only)

• Complimentary visor for when the screen is just too darn bright

• Samples at the concession stand of Kurt's latest edibles, dude

• Free swirly in the bathroom for nerds

• Free 8-piece sectional couch of your choosing (NO DELIVERIES)

• This here bottle of scotch/cough medicine

• Free handjob by either Tiffany (works Tuesdays) or Hank (works Sundays, Mondays, Wednesdays, Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays)

• We'll let you make out with any of our cardboard standees for 5 minutes, no judgements

• Stubs members can kick anyone out of the handicapped seating area, including handicapped people

More Available But Godawful Porn Names

If you want to become a porn star, you'll need two things: working sexual organs and a porn alias. We can't help you with the first thing, but here are some unclaimed (but terrible) porn names that you can use. Go "nuts":

Him

Z. Roe Fuchs

Bubblicious Cum

Murder He Scrote

Rob I. Tussin

Jackoff Lantern

Chip Offtheoldcock

Her

Syphilis Diller

Tami Flu

Shemale Attachment

Kaycee Masterpiece

Fentanyl

Malala Youfuckmai

Coming Soon To Theatres

From the mind of an uneducated president:

The ProofrEADJer: Mid-to-Late January Edition

Another List of Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Pop phenom Ariana Grande isn't content with selling millions of records– she also doing everything in her considerable power to let you to know that she's the cutest thing since sliced baby bread. With all due respect, here is a list of things that happen to be objectively cuter than Ms. Grande:

• pizza cutters shaped like the Starship Enterprise

• Slow moving bears

• The word "curlicue"

• The way Nick Offerman giggles

• dwarf furniture

• glitter glue on a kitten's paws

• The paragraph symbol (aka pilcrow) : ¶

• Charlyne Yi

• The way dogs look like they're smiling when they pant

• Elementary school drinking fountains

• Steven Mnuchin's gorgeous actress wife (just kidding. She SUCKS)

• Custard

Sure Enough, It's Time Once Again To Say Goodbye To Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

A pictorial tribute to hack lazy copywriting.

Goodbye! Bye! Goodbye! Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

UAG

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Concept of "Once Removed" With Relatives

Good question. The words "once removed..."ACK...  mean that... hey... ow... there is a difference of *gag* one generation. For example, your mo... *gasp* your mo... choke... your mother's first cousin is your first cousin, once removed. Oh no. Please... *HACK* You are two generations younger than... *gulp* a first cousin of your grandmother, so... Jesus... you and your grandmother's first cousin... ow ow ow ow ow... are first cousins, twice removed... *neck breaks, dies*

The ProofrEADJer: It's Still January Edition

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags: Week of January 6, 2020

Twitter continues to digitally suck and provide people with instant stupid thoughts,  dangerous misinformation and general shitty humanity. For those of you still tweeting on this crap platform, we have a few underused hashtags that you are free to use in the next five, ten, and fifteen minutes. Jesus, how often do you tweet?

#Play-Dohdildo

#songsaboutDesMoines

#consensualsexwithGrimace

#permafrostonmytaint

#givemepeanutM&Msorgivemedeath

#tryingtoforgethtemeaningofChristmas

#ithinkmymasseusehasapenis

#it'sallJeremiahLloydHarmon'sfault

#turningonclosecaptioningforGoldenGirlssoIcangetthefunnyquoteright

The ProofrEADJer: First of 2020 Edition

Chees.

Now On Blu-Ray

Should All Acquaintance Be Pathmark...