Friday, April 29, 2016

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Names of Sample Tubes In A Medical Lab

We all know that Tinseltown is plumb out of ideas. Desperate to find the next big movie franchise, the major film studios have resorted to a "Smart Label Barcode Placement" poster in a random medical screening lab in Vauxhall, NJ.  Here now are the movies that have been greenlit for 2017 release:

"SST and Red Top" starring Steven Seagal and Jesse Tyler Ferguson. A Black Ops "Super Soldier Tactician" on the run (Seagal) has to go undercover and partners up with an unwilling suburban dad (Ferguson) to prove that the government had framed him. Also starring a bunch of precocious child actors. Rated PG-13.

"Lavender" starring Kirsten Dunst, Eva Longoria. and Anthony LaPaglia. A hard-nosed detective (LaPaglia) investigating corporate espionage gets caught up in the erotic, sensual world of perfume manufacturing with two of the industry's major players (Dunst and Longoria). There's supposed to be about 20 minutes of full nudity in this one, folks. Tits and dick.

"Blue Top" starring the voices of Will Arnett, Zach Galifianakis, and Leslie Mann. This raunchy CGI animated romp follows the adventures of some foul-mouthed produce in a supermarket after hours. A psycho carrot (Arnett), a moody head of lettuce (Galifianakis) and an imperious squash (Mann) wage war against the mild-mannered fruit (voiced by Justin Long, Michael Cera and Charlene Yi).

"Urine Tube" starring Nicolas Cage, Christian Slater and Woody Harrelson. An out-of-control medical train loaded with urine specimens must be stopped by an engineer (Cage), a mathematician (Slater) and a cowboy (Harrelson) before it makes contact with a convention center full of orphans. Also starring Chadwick Boseman as the Head of the PP Squad.

Tuesday, April 26, 2016

This Week's Least Used Twitter Hashtags

Twitter is full of idiots, but even they don't use these hashtags. Go ahead and use them, idiot.


Monday, April 25, 2016

Here Are Your Timesheets

Hey guys. Gary here.

I know none of you like to get a nagging email from your President, urging you to complete your timesheets on time. It can only mean that Sara in Accounting is so fed up with bugging you that she's coming to me to bring the hammer down. So, that's why I'm here- I'm bringing the hammer down on those of you who feel like you're too busy or too special to do your weekly timesheets, and frankly, I'm a bit miffed at that.

We're trying to run a business here, folks. And that means every employee (yes, even YOU, Donavan!) needs to log in their time correctly and in a timely fashion SO THAT WE CAN BILL OUR CLIENTS. That last part is the most important, you see.

So please don't make me break out the tennis racket and start (lovingly) beating you all over the heads to get this done. DO IT TODAY BEFORE YOU LEAVE!!!!

That's all.

p.s. Here are the new codes for this week:

34543: Explaining vaping to someone

91190: Huffing glitter glue

27271: Psyching yourself up to take a dump

60013: Conjugating the word "to conjugate"

00088: Googling "Becky with the good hair"

34738: Burning for the microwave popcorn

83224: Re-folding the Twister mat correctly

77739: Asking what this meeting was about again?

25157: Convincing the Sharks that your business idea isn't total crap

93303: Making two corn cobs fuck to make baby corn

11198: Selling stolen office supplies back to the office

58588: Not staring at Cheryl's glass eye

Thursday, April 21, 2016

A Short List of Things Millennials Don't Get/Understand/Care About

Everybody says that Millennials are our future. That they're the ones to be marketed to now, so we should begin to understand what they care about and what they don't know. So whatever, here is a short list of things that Millennials don't know or understand:

• Currency: what are these coins and paper pieces? Boring!
• Writing in cursive: who writes anymore? And why are those letters connected?
• "The Dukes of Hazzard:" Was that the Jessica Simpson movie?
• Eating without taking fucking pictures of it with your fucking phone: Huh?
• Keeping family drama private: But I want to share with social media how much a dick my Mom is!
• Software on discs: Is that a band?
• Not writing in emojis to make a coherent sentence: --------------
• Camelot Music Stores: Now you're talking alien language, right?
• General knowledge without using Google or Siri: (sad kitty cat emoji wearing a viking helmet)

Fuck you, you movie theatre-texting, selfie-taking, non-social-skills-having shitheads!

Tuesday, April 19, 2016

A Quick Review of "Calvin Pissing On Obama" Stickers

President Barack Obama, while serving two terms, has endured years of obstructionist politics, thinly-veiled racist questions about his citizenship and religion, and even the occasional dismissal of not being "black enough" by cable news pundits. What he doesn't realize, however, is that there is an entire cottage industry of Obama-hating in the form of cheap vinyl stickers you can buy and stick on the back of your racismobile. Here now is an objective rating of the "Calvin pissing on Obama" stickers for sale online:

Visual: Calvin pissing through the Obama logo.
Pros: Full 4-color printing
Cons: Relies on the outdated Obama campaign logo which is hardly seen anymore
Overall rating: 8 out of 10. Simple and iconic, but ultimately confusing (to the target audience).

Visual: Calvin pissing atop the Obama logo.
Pros: Full color Obama logo the main focus and direct the eye.
Cons: Still relies on the outdated Obama campaign logo. Actually a nice reproduction of it.
Overall rating: 6 out of 10. Bonus points for the nice custom die cutting.

Visual: Calvin pissing on the word "OBAMA"
Pros: Simple and to the point.
Cons: Kind of lazy, really. Calvin looks like he has cardinal eyes.
Overall rating: 4 out of 10. 

Visual: Female Calvin (??????) pissing on the word "OBAMA" with the "O" as his logo.
Pros: Ambitious and breaking out of the mold
Cons: NOT LADYLIKE AT ALL. And are her pans even pulled down? Disgusting.
Overall rating: 2 out of 10. I know these things aren't supposed to be in good taste in the first place, but JEEZ.

Visual: Another female Calvin pissing on the word "OBAMA"
Pros: She removed her panties this time.
Cons: The mullet. The heart ass tattoo. Also, not much of a tinkle there, really. And the word "OBAMA" somehow resembles the word "SPAM" if you're not looking close enough.
Overall rating: 2 out of 10. 

Visual: Generic "cool guy" pissing on the word "OBAMA"with the "O" as his logo.
Pros: Able to avoid copyright infringement.
Cons: I really lose the evil glee when there are sunglasses on. 
Overall rating: 5 out of 10. 

Visual: Happy coal miner pissing on the word "OBAMA" while holding a flag next to the words "SAVE COAL"
Pros: A clear, political message. A smoky miner's face with a lily white ass.
Cons: Both oversimplified and overcomplicated. While it is true the Obama administration pushed to create new "clean energy" jobs and technologies, making America more energy independent, and reducing carbon emissions through the Clean Energy and the Recovery Act, this only indirectly impacted the current coal industry.
Overall rating: 7 out of 10.  Boy, look at that healthy yellow stream!

Visual: Rude cowboy pissing on the word "OBAMA"with the "O" as his logo.
Pros: To the point.
Cons: Why the black nail polish? Is that cowboy a goth? 
Overall rating: 4 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin pissing on what appears to be Barack Obama's head
Pros: No text! Also, points for not getting to racial stereotype with Obama's features.
Cons: Beyond fucking awful. Bill Watterson would lose sleep over this one.
Overall rating: 1 out of 10. 

Visual: Stu pissing on the word "OBAMA"
Pros: Great for Millennials, who have never read Calvin and Hobbes!
Cons: Kind of off brand for some reason. Rednecks watch "Family Guy?"
Overall rating: 3 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin with a backwards cap pissing on the word "OBAMA"
Pros: A bro-ish update to a classic! 
Cons: Very poorly rendered. It looks like he's bleeding on the word.
Overall rating: 3 out of 10. 

Visual: Calvin with a FORWARDS cap reading "LIBERTY" pissing on the word "OBAMA"
Pros: A point for liberty and against Obama, right? Is that what it's saying?
Cons: Very disrespectful to the Liberty Mutual Insurance Company.
Overall rating: 3 out of 10. That kid looking Asian doesn't clear up my confusion any.

Monday, April 18, 2016

Stupid Shark Movie Tagline Jamboree!

Here now are several nonexistent taglines for a movie that shouldn't exist in the first place:

But that's not all, folks. Here is a new movie we came across: "Shark Exorcist," presumably from the same filmmakers (who cares)?

"Satan has jaws" is their real movie tagline, but it is such WEAK SAUCE. So here are two bonus taglines for this presumably equally stupid shark disaster mashup movie:

Friday, April 15, 2016

Some Movie Ideas Based On Names of Incense Sold At A Local Convenience Store

Hollywood is out of ideas, etc etc, so they're desperately mining every avenue for new movie ideas, etc etc, including the shitty incense section of a shitty convenience store in Union, New Jersey, etc etc. end of setup. Here now are movies scheduled for release soon:

"Egyptian Musk" starring Iman, Eddie Murphy, Naomi Campbell, Tevin Campbell and Kevin Hart
Two time traveling criminals (Murphy and Hart)  find themselves in the court of Cleopatra Selene II herself. They try to steal her gold or something and fall in love in the process. Also starring David Keith as the god Aten.

"PUSSY Cat" starring Dominic Purcell, Alan Tudyk and Kelly Brook.
A nymphomaniac pervert deviant (Tudyk) tries to fly straight but starts getting distracted by the two oversexed neighbors in his trailer park (Purcell and Brook).

"FIERCE" starring Andy Cohen, Andy Dick and Alec Mapa.
Things in San Francisco's Castro district heat up when two warring roommates and ex-lovers try to settle their differences with a third party intervention, who also happens to be an interior designer/wedding planner. Soundtrack by Calvin Harris, Armin van Buuren and John Digweed.

"Cool Water" starring Joan Van Ark, Donna Mills, and Hunter Tylo. Three of the bitchiest bitches in Albuquerque fight to seize control of the lucrative local seltzer water industry. Also starring Jeff Fahey as the land owner and Antonio Sabato Jr. as a torso.

"Butt Naked" starring Kevin James and Tom Green. Also released internationally as "No Fucking Thanks."

Wednesday, April 13, 2016

This Week's Least Used Twitter Hashtags

These hashtags are all crap. So take all you want and spread through social media.