Tuesday, October 30, 2007

Curlz in the Family

(pictured above, the painful realization that one's future sister-in-law uses Curlz to represent her wooden-flower-centerpiece business. Phone numbers and email address have been blurred out to protect the innocent)

Monday, October 29, 2007

Jessica Trouble

Jessica lost her Blackberry today. So that blows.
If you know Jessica and would like to give her your number, send it to jfoster@c-k.com. Warning: this is her work email, so if your domain name is anything like hotdudecocks.com or fistingjeffrey.net, it will probably be blocked.

(pictured above, a photo from last year where Jessica and Michelle went to a Jamiroquai concert at the Congress Theatre, only to find it completely dark and empty. Turns out the show was the NIGHT BEFORE! Yaaaaaaay!)

Sunday, October 28, 2007

How the "Door Prizes" Cavalcade of Crap looks now.

Chicago EADJ reporter Vince was good enough to take a recent picture of the Door Prize cabinet in the Creative Department Annex. As you can see, there is still plenty of booty to be pilfered and gotten rid of.

A "mint in box" mop

A Triumph the Insult Comic Dog doll that still works. Too bad what it says isn't as funny as on the show. Vince now has this on his desk.

An impromptu memorial to Dan Consiglio and beans.

Jingoism for your infant.

And although it appears the cabinet is becoming filled to capacity, luckily there is additional storage space:

Friday, October 26, 2007

Oh My Shit. ‡‡‡‡BREAKING SFVOSP NEWS!!!!‡‡‡‡

Last night, at exactly 7:43 pm, Emily Sander and Emily Kane spotted the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson!

"It was so amazing," Emily Sander texted, "Kane and I passed him on Michigan and then ran him down."

Sander and Kane's encounter has ended weeks of feverish speculation that Mister Wood had left his job at Adminastar Federal on the 22nd floor to pursue a career in fashion design or catty celebrity blogging. His last spotting was on Sept 25 by Phil Flicklicker.

This marks the first time in EADJ history that TWO people have spotted him together! The photograph above is only icing on the shorter, fatter cake. EADJ has seen fit to award both Emilies the coveted Platinum Mollusk Award for this watershed moment. Emily Sander's name has also been added to the list at the bottom of this page, under the shitty dartboard game.

Meanwhile, poor Vince has never seen the SFVOSP. Somebody help him!

Thursday, October 25, 2007

Who Farted? Special Soon-To-Be Cancelled Show With Confusing Title Edition

Okay, let's get down to business. Lots to see here. Finally, a "Who Farted?" with some actual setting, instead of seamless colored backgrounds. Look at that awesome Golden Gate Bridge, and better yet, look at that huge yellowy cloud of ass that was dropped right on the Bay! So let's go left to right here:

Poor man's Alfre Woodard obviously did NOT fart. Her sense of disgust and outrage is almost all up in your face. Dial it down, woman, I'm just asking!

Watered down Leah Remini (look it up) brings nothing to the table. A casual viewer would suggest that she's in the back because she's hiding something. Stupid amateur!

So either someone simply photoshopped Kirsten Dunst's head onto the real actress here, or they're wearing an officially-licensed Spider-Man 3 mask available at Halloween Blowout at your local strip mall. I don't think she farted. Although I do imagine Kirsten Dunst's farts to smell pretty rank.

This was an easy one. Front and center. Not only does she look guilty, she has her ass shooting through the crime tape! The posterior version of the smoking gun. Literally. Nice badge placement too, lady.

Overall Who Farted Factor: 8 out of 10. It's a wonderful composition, with just a few points off for obviousness.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

Dick in an Upright and Locked Position

Joel had warm nuts in his mouth today.

Not the kind that you roast beside a skating rink. The kind that hang in pairs inside a huge, hairy scrotum. Yeah, that kind.

It was all a part of The United Way's Sucking Nuts For Diabetes, an annual event held by the Orange County Memorial Hospital. Its organizer Sue McCloskey had misheard that Joel eats other things besides dick and invited him to suck a pair of nuts for the children. An avid diabetic and a supporter of good causes, Joel said yes rather than correcting her.

Joel sucked nuts for exactly 6 hours last Saturday, fulfilling sponsors' bids and racking up an impressive $300 for diabetes research. Way to go, Suck Nutter! Now go eat a dick!

(pictured above, Delta Airlines condones that any evil action can be justified if it is done for a good purpose, meaning it's okay to murder a million puppies if that can get you to Tulsa for the conference)

Monday, October 22, 2007

Oh My Gawd!

(pictured below, J'Net discovers the free nudie channel on New York cable)

Friday, October 19, 2007

A Title Other Than "Separated At Birth"

(pictured left to right, Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) and Moses Schrute from NBC's The Office)

Fort Dicks

Joel's chimp servant took a sabbatical to visit his family in Finland. So Joel had the apartment to himself all week, microwaving dick for himself and watching The Oxygen Network.

Imagine his surprise when he came across an old rerun of Wicked Wicked Games, a canceled series that he helped write one episodes for for the MyNetwork! Time had given Joel some perspective, and after about 18 minutes, he realized how terrible a premise it was: a soap opera about practicing witches. As Travis Parr would say, "Dummmbbb!"

Joel then realized that the shitty series had been playing on Oxygen for months now, and he hadn't received any residuals for the airings. A quick phone call to Oxygen got him the CEO M. Duckworth, a leggy brunette with a raspy voice and a heart of gold.

"Joel, we screwed you over, I admit," said M. over Joel's speakerphone, "But I'll make it up to you. How about a coupon for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut?"

Knowing this dame drove a hard bargain, and this was as good as it was gonna get, Joel swallowed his pride (with some dick) and accepted the peace offering. The coupon is in the mail for next Tuesday! Score??

(pictured above, A wedding hall in New Jersey exudes class with its whimsical yet classy (not to mention classy) signage.)

Thursday, October 18, 2007

♥♥♥ EADJ Connections, Part 4 ♥♥♥

Today, Ayana contacted the EADJ offices in New York to report an EADJ connection: that a C-K candidate forgot her last name, googled "Ayana" and "Cramer-Krasselt," and found Ayana looking at a Goatse from our October 2 entry!

"Hysterical. If you google me, there's a giant shot of an ANUS that I'm looking at!!! Love it." Ayana added.

Good sleuthing, potential C-K replacement for Ranee Wu!

Also today, Michelle Litos reported that her old classmate who had found her through EADJ had just contacted her through Facebook, another stalker's wonderland:

The super-weird thing, though, is that the dude sort of resembles EADJ Editor David Estoye, but with a winning smile and dimples:

What's with the grocery store roses? And is that motherfucker wearing a cape? Weirdo.

Michelle could not confirm the whereabouts of Karen, Sandy or Melanie.

These latest EADJ connections confirm a widely held belief that through the combined forces of Google and Eat a Dick Joel, anyone can find a photo of anyone else taking a poop. Thanks, technology!

***UPDATE*** It is possible, however unconfirmed, that Michelle's college friend is actually Lestat, the famous vampire from the Anne Rice novels.

Inflatable Carousel?!

J'Net can't believe the crap that they sell at Lowe's these days. Like Home Depot would stoop to this level.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Dick with a Side Order of Joel


That was the latest ploy by our hero Joel to get more dick eaten in a day. He decided, why not just find where there's a lot of dick, and reroute it to his mouth?

So he decided on Wilshire West, a popular car wash on West Wilshire Blvd. There's a line of cars snaking out to Wilshire Blvd at all hours. Lots of men of different ethnic backgrounds standing around waiting. So many choices— it's like a dick pu-pu platter!

So Joel put on his tightest jean shorts, a mesh "NO FEAR" tank top, and his favorite pair of Oakleys and put up a sign at a parking lot across the street from Wilshire West that said FREE CARWASH HERE!!!!

Within minutes, the entire lane of cars had moved over to get serviced by Joel. Joel was ecstatic! But what he hadn't thought out was how to wash cars AND eat dick at the same time. Most patrons were more concerned about the bird pu-pu on their windshield than having their dick eaten by a 38-year old in jean shorts.

So Joel ended up spending 16 hours washing dudes' cars for free. He only ate 3 dicks out of the deal, too. So much for that hare-brained scheme.

(pictured above, an un-enhanced scan of a local eatery's menu, specializing in ostrich burgers and disturbing smoothies.)

Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Meanwhile, mere moments after the hydrogen bomb hit the Bosnian sewage treatment plant...

Thanks, Drummer for Supra Genius!

Beth Before Dishonor

(pictured above, Beth reconsiders a career as an Artist, Auto Body Repair Technician, Auto Detailer, Auto Repair Technician, Basic Electronics, Bookkeeping, Carpenter, Caterer, Child Day Care Management, Computer Graphic Artist, Court Reporter, Dental Assistant, Desktop Publishing & Design, Diesel Mechanics, Dog Obedience Trainer/Instructor, Drafting with AutoCAD, Dressmaking & Design, Electrician, Electronics Technician, Fitness & Nutrition, Floral Design, Freelance Writer, Furniture and Cabinet Maker, Gunsmith, Home Inspector, Home Remodeling & Repair, Hotel/Restaurant Management, HVAC Technician, Interior Decorator, Java Programmer, Jewelry Repair Technician, Legal Secretary, Medical Coding and Billing, Medical Office Assistant, Medical Transcriptionist, Motorcycle Repair Technician, Occupational Therapy Aide, Paralegal, PC Fundamentals, PC Repair, PC Specialist, Pet Groomer, Pharmacy Technician, Photographer, Physical Therapy Aide, Plumber, Private Investigator, Professional Bridal Consultant, Professional Landscaper, Professional Locksmith, Professional Secretary, Programming in BASIC, Small Business Owner, Small Engine Repair, Spanish, Teacher Aide, Telecommunications Technician, Travel/Tourism Specialist, TV/VCR Repair Technician, Veterinary Assistant, Visual Basic .NET Programmer, Visual C#.net Programmer, Web Page Designer, or Wildlife & Forestry Conservation.

Monday, October 15, 2007

Gee, guess where I shopped recently.

Let's give the EADJ Mail Sack psychological problems by fighting with our spouse in front of it!


The following email was forward by Jessica Foster:

-----Original Message-----
From: "Matt Webb"

Date: Fri, 12 Oct 2007 10:26:14
To:"#CHI_ALL" <#CHI_ALL@C-K.com>

I would like to thank all of C-K for your deep concern over my missing spoon. I have had a massive response of people interested in the plight of my spoon over the past week. My spoon was indeed returned safely to me at 04:00 PM on Thursday, October 04, 2007.

Thank You

Friday, October 12, 2007

Indigo Curlz!

Drink more water!

That's what many health officials keep telling us. Drinking more gives us healthy skin, flushes toxins, improves joints and muscles, and keeps us energized and alert. Joel knows this, which is why he chugs 8 gallons of water every three hours along with the massive amount of dick he eats.

Joel's skin is so supple, so smooth, and so touchable now that you just want to caress it with the back of your hand, then slap the living shit out of it to see if it reddens. Believe me, it does!

Joel is virtually toxin free. Although whatever toxins other dudes eat do end up in Joel's system once he eats their dicks. But by then it's pretty watered down.

Joel's joints and muscles are healthy and strong. Just yesterday he cracked a pecan with his toe knuckles, then balanced a wedge of brie in his butt crack.

Energized and alert? Hell yeah, Joel is! He is bright-eyed and bushy-tailed at the crack of 6am every morning! Cock benedict, anyone! Huzzah!

(pictured above: a bad typeface, a dumb game, and possible cosplay all intersect in the perfect storm of awfulness)

Thursday, October 11, 2007

Feet a Kick, Joel

(pictured above, a Skechers ad comes close to fulfilling my desire to see Ashlee Simpson getting the shit kicked out of her)