Monday, October 31, 2011

Happy Halloween From EADJ!

"It's Halloween, everyone!" said Standpipe.

Boom Box On TV was SO PSYCHED!

Bike Lanes were glad.

And Frying Pan was so excited!

Building hated Halloween, so he just ignored it.

High Chair wasn't really into it, either. But whatever.

Neither Door Attachment nor Porch Board were ready for it this year.

Smokestack and Bridge got into the Halloween spirit and helped decorate. They put up...

...a Jack-O-Lantern and...

...two skeletons.

Corner was mildly encouraged by the turnout.

And the costume contest began:

Speaker came as a generic ghost.

Surround Sound Box dressed like a Minion from "Despicable Me."

Garbage Truck came as a catfish.

Rice Cooker had on a great gorilla costume.

Both Recycling Bins and Egg Carton showed up as Ninja Turtles.

18 Wheeler dressed as Frylock from "Aqua Teen Hunger Force."

Dashboard came as a convincing angry robot.

Ionic Breeze dressed like Ghost Face from the "Scream" movies.

Designer Chair dressed up as Mr. Mouth, but he kept getting "H.R. Pufnstuf."

60 Year Old Birthday Cake dressed as Cookie Monster.

Train Bathroom Door showed up as an angry Italian giving the finger, but nobody got it.

Escalator Partition dressed as John Goodman.

Dunkin Donuts Rug forgot to show up in costume and felt like an asshole.

Dog Dish showed up in a bad Skeletor costume.

But Stained Glass Window won the prize for their "Grinning Kermit" costume.

Purse went out for a smoke.

Bank Waiting Area was glad to meet so many new people.

Subway Tool Storage Box stood against the wall and kept to himself.

Oven said they didn't get enough candy.

But Water Cooler didn't get any candy.

And as always, Fountain drank too much and got sloppy.

Train Car Lock took too much ecstasy and had to lie down.

iPhone Case wondered who was going to pay for all of this.

Cardboard Box and Broken Hinge both got lost and missed the party entirely.

Cheap Ikea Chair just smiled and enjoyed another successful party.

Sun Roof Attachment was still scared and refused to come down.

Large Capacity Tub said, "Yay! Let's do this again next year!"

Editor's Note: Thanks to Andrew Gall and Emily Kane for their contributions to this.

Thursday, October 27, 2011

Hey, Excedrin

Okay, we realize that you guys couldn't believe your luck when you went into your archives and found that one of your old Excedrin commercials featured then-unknown actress Elisabeth Moss, who is now on the hottest TV series "Mad Men." It's understandable that you wanted to update the label on the package via CG and run this commercial to capitalize on Elisabeth Moss' fame.

But come on, guys. She is SO YOUNG in this commercial that she barely looks like this now. I feel like I'm watching her 12 year old birthday party.

If anything, running this ancient reel-to-reel commercial is telling people that your product hasn't changed for shit and is about as medically current as "Jonathan T. Greenbaum's Health-Wise Liniment For The Tremors and Rheumatism."

So for the love of Mike, you cheapskates, stop running that stale-ass commercial from when people still listened to Walkmans and shoot a new actress with like an HD camera. That old shit is giving me a throbbing headache.

Coming Soon To The EADJ Crappinema: Mega Bloks' Dragons, Metal Ages: The Movie

Possibly to make up for lost time, we at EADJ have immediately started on the next Crappinema entry: "Mega Bloks' Dragons, Metal Ages: The Movie."

Okay, this looks like a pretty brazen commercial for some crappy toys. Let's hope the producers of this fine film stayed on Canon.

The Draigar and the Norvagen kingdoms, Prince Dev and Princess Kyra, the evil Odaku witch-queen Scylla? Should I be committing all these names to memory to be able to follow the story, or is that putting more effort into it than the computer animators did?

This bad boy is a merciful 72 minutes. Should be do-able.

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Mandatory Crappinema Follow-Up

"So, you saw 'Dead Awake' twice. Was it better the second time?"

"No. It was somehow exactly as bad as the first time. I really don't want to talk about it."

"Was it at least better than 'Da Station' but worse than 'Playin' For The Kitty?'"


The EADJ Crappinema Proudly Presents Dead Awake

Hoo-boy. Now, I have watched some shitty movies for the EADJ Crappinema before, but this marks the first time I ever watched one of these turds TWICE. The reason for this being that I had the entire write-up for "Dead Awake" ready to go, but I lost my iPod during my commute, and all of the files for that write-up were stored on it. So I took a second bullet for you motherfuckers and watched the dang thing again, taking screenshots and adding my pithy comments, all from square one.

I never recovered that iPod, by the way. Too bad. It had all my Maroon 5 music on it.

The following is the dialogue lifted verbatim from this scene:

Old Man: (indicating yo-yo) He never puts that bloody thing down.

Nick Stahl: It's a sentimental thing. A yo-yo almost always comes back to you… reminds me of the mistakes I've made.

Old Man: Mistakes. We all make mistakes.

Nick Stahl: There's a difference between mistakes and… regrets.

(Old Woman smiles and put her hand on Nick Stahl's arm. Nick Stahl notices her Claddagh ring.)

Old Woman: Decko gave me that. The hands are for friendship, the heart is for love, and the crown is for loyalty.

Nick Stahl: Someone close to me had the same ring. (sighs) And if the heart is pointed inward, it means your heart is taken.

(Old Woman makes kissy face to Old Man.)

Old Man: Shite. They'd better go get me Viagra.

Overall Grade: F

To help wash out the bad taste from watching this horrible movie TWICE, here is Rose McGowan in her prime: