Monday, March 26, 2018

More InfoWars Conspiracy Theories In The Works

The angry bird Alex Jones is a prolific shit-sprinkler of hate serves up unintelligible theories on the daily. But his talented stable of writers still have to stay ahead of the curve and have some rambling points created a day or two in advance of broadcast. Here are some of the "news stories" they're still working on:

• Anyone who officiates a lesbian wedding at any time receives a "hail Satan" t-shirt and an Indigo Girls CD box set.

• California have created small voting booths to place between the legs of illegal immigrant mothers giving birth so that when the baby is born, he can vote Democratic.

• Every photo posted on Imgur has an embedded invisible watermark that reads "BIDEN 2020".

• The Great Pacific garbage patch is actually an ISIS submarine covered in Kenyan birth certificates.

• The 2018 Mazda CX-3 crossover is a conspiracy of styling, engineering and practicality! (Sponsored by Mazda USA)

• Most women's nipples have a webcam used to blackmail radio show hosts into paying for their beauty school tuition.

• The inventor of Spanx is a democrat. Therefore, wearing Spanx will cause you to have an abortion.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018

Some More Unused Stage Names For Your Budding Porn Career

So you're young, untalented, and just moved to the Valley. Welcome to the porn industry! So, to get this party started right, you're going to have to have a handle to scroll on the film's credits that no one ever watches. Here are some unused pornstar names that you can help yourself to:

Yoshinoya Balls
Potatoes O’Brien
Keith Nutsweat
Sammi Conductor
Trey Upright
Edadick Joel

Edda Mammay
Potatoes O’Brien
Asper Creme
The Atlantic Monthly
Jackie Ho Asses
Anna Phylactic Shock

Monday, March 19, 2018

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On The Name of a Marriott Residence Meeting Room in Deptford, NJ

Movie studios are running out of ideas fast. So they are resorting to desperate measures, like starting entire movie franchises on matchbook covers and Dixie cup riddles. This time, four major studios are in a violent bidding war to release a film with the title "Breakfast Overflow." Here are their pitches:

Sony Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" starring Michelle Monaghan and Josh Gad. An unsuspecting newlywed couple finds a supernatural toaster at a flea market and find themselves surrounded by an endless supply of delicious breakfast foods. This puts a strain on their marriage and even causes them to reconsider getting another dog. Directed by Anna Foerster (Underworld: Blood Wars).

Universal Pictures: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Eli Roth. This self-aware grindhouse horror flick portrays a boyfriend and girlfriend (Joshua Jackson and Zoe Saldana) who get lost while hiking in the backwoods of the Deep South. They're captured by a cult run out of a converted IHOP restaurant and are forced to try all 67 signature plates in one sitting. Special gore effects by master Shane Mahan.

Disney/Pixar Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Bird. A lonely English muffin (voiced by Kaya Scodelario) left on the shelf of a Costco finds friendship, heartbreak and love with the help of a sausage (John Ratzenberger), a grapefruit (Danai Gurira), two eggs (Simon Pegg and Jane Horrocks) and a Belgian waffle (Jean Claude Van Damme). Soundtrack by Randy Newman.

Warner Brothers Studios: "Breakfast Overflow" directed by Brad Peyton. A factory that produces microwave breakfast foods gets overtaken by corporate terrorists (Robert Patrick, Adam Driver and Jamie Hector), and it's up to one security guard (Dwayne Johnson) to grab a spatula and take them all over easy. Also starring Jacob Tremblay as a kid lost during a tour and Elizabeth Gillies as the receptionist-cum-munitions expert.

Friday, March 16, 2018

I Can't Believe We Have Another Off-Brand TP Roundup

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Butterflies and leaves over grass or some shit

Brand Promise: An all-natural bathroom experience

Feels Like: Wiping with a scout badge

Brand: Slurpass* Surpass* Facial Tissue

Brand Imagery: A black oval, some beige leaves, and the brand name accompanied by an asterisk asshole

Brand Promise: Like nothing you've ever used before

Feels Like: Like nothing you've ever used before– like a radioactive cactus on fire

Brand: North River

Brand Imagery: What looks like the Led Zeppelin Zoso Symbols

Brand Promise: "A Stairway To Heaven"

Feels Like: "Trampled Under Foot"

Brand: Green Heritage

Brand Imagery: Leaves, leaves leaves.

Brand Promise: A feeling like being set adrift on a raft of billowing leaves

Feels Like: Sasquatch going in dry

Brand: Mont Royal

Brand Imagery: A fancy cursive name in royal blue

Brand Promise: A regal time on "the throne"

Feels Like: A violent revolt (with torches) in the central valley

Brand: Soft Touch

Brand Imagery: Rounded cursive letters over a soothing blue background

Brand Promise: "We won't hurt you..."

Feels Like: "...much."