Thursday, October 13, 2016

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of October 17

Let's face it. Most people on Twitter have no idea what they're talking about. Some of them can barely put together a subject and a predicate. But even THEY have standards when it comes to using hashtags. The following hashtags have never trended and are available for you to use free of charge:


Tuesday, October 11, 2016

The Literal Dehumanization of the NJ Transit Survey

I rode on the NJ Transit train recently and found the latest Transit survey brochure. This year it didn't have the old familiar crowd of six characters as featured in previous brochures:

No, this time someone just chose to fire up Microsoft Excel instead and turn a cheap chart into the brochure's main visual. It breaks my heart and makes my retinas bleed:

Instead of our beloved six, there's now an ugly pie chart with five wedges. WTH? Here's a forensic breakdown of what we think happened to the beloved six and which wedges of the pie chart they morphed into:

"Jesse" = FY14

Jesse's boring, conservative persona has been distilled into a harmless navy blue wedge. It won't offend anyone, and it matches perfectly with any pair of khakis you may be wearing to Rush.

"Jess" = FY13

Jess became the slightly brighter, more confident blue wedge of the pie. Her energy and verve have been captured with this fun-loving, friendly shade of azure. You go, Jess!
"Trina" = FY15

Leave it to Trina to boast a lusty purple wedge. The color almost matches her too-tight top and it's top-heaviness echoes her physique.

"Angie" and "Simon Peter" = FY12

Yeah, I know, it's unfair that they have to share a wedge. Mainly because she's a disembodied head, and he's a friggin' useless tool, so they add up to one. Life ain't fair, Charlie.

"Don With The Thumbs" = FY16

The man of the hour gets not only the biggest slice but the most flamboyant color the printers had available. This feels right because DWTT is all about calling attention to himself and being generally awesome. Good on ya, Don!

Did we make the right match ups? Text "USELESSANALYSIS" to 53562 to tell us or to submit your own ideas! Message and Data Rates May Apply

Monday, October 10, 2016

6 Lies Told By the Choo Choo Barn Brochure

Choo Choo Barn is a kid-friendly toy train museum that invites families to come look at a bunch of small shit running through some other small shit to make a whole charming small world of shit. If I sound bitter it's because they wouldn't let me take a poo there even though I showed a ticket stub that I had just been there 6 years prior. 

1) Enjoy seeing hardworking truckers frustratedly sit in traffic while trains whisk by them!

2) The billboard doesn't actually show missing children from a previous tour group who wandered too far into the "Cave of Nothingness."

3) If Amish Country weren't quaint enough for you city folk, the miniature version will charm the ever living whorepennies out of your godless, Instagramming pockets!

4) Master modeler and second generation owner Tom Groff dresses like a doctor, but is NOT a licensed podiatrist. So put your boots back on, Aunt Tina.

5) Scanning this QR code actually takes you here.

6) The Choo Choo Barn Twitter feed is mostly just shirtless shots of Tom Groff, with and without the white lab coat.


Lenscrafters is proud to announce the exclusive "Six Lies Told" line of premium eyeglass frames.

Made with quality plasticine ceramic and putty, these exquisite, lightweight and high-end frames can help you spot lies up to 200 meters away, or only 2 inches away if you're nearsighted haha. That's a joke.

These limited edition "6L" frames will be available in Huron Blue, Agassi Red and Vulva Green and will retail for $295.00.

Thursday, October 6, 2016

Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're considering entering the lucrative world of pornography to be an actor or actress, you will need the following: a camera, and a porn name. Whilst we cannot give you a camera, we can provide you a list of available (but fucking terrible) porn aliases you could use if you so chose to enter the industry. Huh huh huh huh, we just said "enter."


Urethra Franklin (thanks, Emily Kane!)
Ureter Moreno
Sarah Draftinhere
Tits Romney
Pisstina Applegape
Humpkin Spice Twattay
Anna Tomicallycorrect
Phyllis Holerighthere
Alluva Cox
Lilly Hammered
Betty Cumsfirst


Junk Dilla
Tucker Boner
Jack Kinghoff Yurdad
Takina Dumpf
Insurance Claude
Jean-Michele Scrota
Pvt. Partz
Phil Anderer
Otto Correct
Bruce D. Ego
Reck Tal
Darius Fucker

Wednesday, October 5, 2016

A List of Things Kanye West Would Probably Not Like Based On Past Reactions To Things He Doesn't Like

• fluorescent golf balls

• the whole Elf On The Shelf thing

• elements with no stable isotopes in the Periodic Table of Elements

• Nerf

• the famous park bench scene in "Good Will Hunting"

• Rudyard Kipling's poem Gunga Din

• staying at a Marriott

• Weird Al doing a parody of one of his songs

• The Houston Oilers "Derrick Dolls" cheerleaders

• work of any kind

• anonymity

• humility

• keeping his opinions to himself

• the gradient tool in Photoshop

• making a puppet by markering a face on your hand

• any books about farts, farting or flatulence

• Gaston from "Beauty and the Beast"