Wednesday, June 7, 2017

The Off-Brand TP Roundup Will Never Go Away




(This submitted by Andrew Gall via text)

Brand: Marathon
Brand Imagery: Shades of blue and gray
Brand Promise: You'll never 'run out?'
Brand Reality: Probably a better idea to wipe your ass with that Betty & Veronica comic book instead


Brand: Toilet Tissue® 2-Ply
Brand Imagery: What almost looks like black and green argyle, but ain't
Brand Promise: Nothing
Brand Reality: It delivers


Brand: White Swan
Brand Imagery: A white swan in the logo over a giant yellow dandelion
Brand Promise: Elegant like a graceful swan
Brand Reality: Evil and psychotic like Natalie Portman in "Black Swan"


Brand: RETAIN (or is it RETOIN?)
Brand Imagery: A stack of N's (??????) and the recycling symbol not looking anything like an A
Brand Promise: You will retain the flesh around your anus after using this
Brand Reality: They lied.


Brand: Livi Basic
Brand Imagery: A leaf over a leaf background that looks suspiciously like poison ivy
Brand Promise: A natural feeling tissue experience
Brand Reality: Hope you have some calamine lotion ready, asshole


Brand: Velvet Soft Bathroom Tissue
Brand Imagery: Leaf background
Brand Promise: Softness not unlike wiping with velvet
Brand Reality: Like wiping with starched corduroy


Brand: Feather Soft
Brand Imagery: Either a feather or some ghostly pine needles (or is it the Palme D'or?)
Brand Promise: A birdlike wipe in the toilet
Brand Reality: Like getting raped by your cellmate, a rabid ostrich


Brand: Roses
Brand Imagery: Roses
Brand Promise: Roses
Brand Reality: Thorns


Brand: Silkie Premium Quality Soft & Lush Bath Tissue
Brand Imagery: A skeletal bird flying over a field of daisies
Brand Promise: A haphazard throwing together of soft and natural themes
Brand Reality: Like riding down an up escalator's railing with zero moisture

Tuesday, June 6, 2017

Task Chair Is About Done With Your Shit


TASK CHAIR NEVER LEFT, YOU MEWLING COCKSUCKERS. YOU'VE BEEN WHINING AND BELLYACHING ABOUT THIS OR THAT NOT GETTING DONE, AND TASK CHAIR HAD THE ANSWER ALL ALONG. FEEL STUPID YET, PUSSIES?

TASK CHAIR HAS A GAS LIFT SEAT, SWIVELS AND EVEN ROLLS ON CASTERS, SO WHAT'S THE BITCHING ABOUT NOT BEING ADJUSTABLE ENOUGH? MAYBE IT'S YOUR UNPRODUCTIVE FAT ASS THAT'S HEMORRHAGING THE COMPANY MONEY. MAYBE IT'S YOUR BROWSER HISTORY BEING MAINLY REDDIT AND THESUPERFICIAL, YOU THINK ABOUT THAT? TASK CHAIR HAS BEEN WATCHING.

"GET A NEW CHAIR." BOOM, DONE! SEE, TASK CHAIR HAS ALREADY DECIMATED YOUR TO-DO LIST. BOW DOWN AND RECOGNIZE, YOU SHITSTAINS. SHIT IS ABOUT TO GET ACCOMPLISHED UP IN THIS OPEN FLOOR PLAN.

MAYBE STOP SOCIALIZING OVER PARTITION WALLS AND START PUSHING THIS COMPANY IN THE BLACK, SHALL WE, ASSHOLES? THOUGHT SO. YOU MILLENNIALS WON'T HAVE YOUR GRANDPARENTS' BASEMENT TO LIVE IN FOREVER. YEAH, I SAID IT.

Monday, June 5, 2017

Some Movie Screenplay Ideas Based On The Names of Carpet Swatches At Home Depot


The premise of this segment is that Hollywood's studios are all out of original ideas, etc etc, and they're so desperate for something to base a movie on that they go to Home Depot and use the titles of carpet swatches as a starting point. Here's what "they" came up with:


"First Base" starring Dacre Montgomery, Victoria Justice, Donald Glover, and Cara Delevigne

This 80s-style teen romp chronicles the misadventures of Dean (Montgomery), the new kid in town who was somehow lucky enough to start school at the same time that the 5 hottest girls broke up with their football player boyfriends. Also starring J.K. Simmons as the always angry Principal Gooche.


"Hurried" starring Eddie Redmayne, Donald Glover, Eddie Griffin, and Gigi Hadad. Directed by Ron Howard.
"Speed" meets "Baby Driver" in this full throttle action thriller. A war between Über and Lyft drivers intensifies when an unknown terrorist (played by TBA brown actor) loads taxis throughout New York City with explosives. Also starring Paul Reiser as himself.



"Charming" starring Harry Styles, Tyrese Gibson, Jessica Chastain and Cary Elwes.
How did Prince Charming get that way? This delightful live action prequel to all the princess stories you've ever seen takes us behind the scenes of the Charming family. We learn how hard work, good breeding and a cheeky white horse (voiced by Cary Elwes) shaped the dashing, generic personality of the famous Prince.


"Palmdale I & II" starring Michael Peña, Adam Brody, Millie Bobby Brown, and Donald Glover. Directed by Ridley Scott

Filmed back to back, this epic drama tells the true story of a gated community in Palmdale, Florida that was taken over by a mad gunman (David Wenham). Powerful, riveting performances abound as struggling families run from bush to bush, now held captive within their own wealthy walls.


"Shakedown" starring Geoffrey Rush, Lilly Collins, Daniel Kaluuya, Lupita Nyong'o, and Brian Cox. Directed by Donald Glover.

Rival con men (and women) make a bet amongst themselves to see who can swindle the most out of a racist real estate developer (Cox) who's looking to gentrify the entire area. Soundtrack by Junkie XL and Madeon.


"Thrill Seeker" starring Woody Harrelson and Donald Glover.
A retired stuntman (Harrelson) tries his best to commit suicide but gets foiled by luck, fate, and his biggest fan (Donald Glover).


"Horsepower 1 & 2" starring Michelle Rodriguez, Jordana Brewster, and Devon Aoki.
Who was Letty in "The Fast and The Furious" before she joined Dominic's crew? This two-part spinoff prequel pays homage to the F&F franchise while still keeping things fresh by exploring the origins of a character no one gave a shit about. Also featuring Donald Glover as "kid with the keys."


"Precipice" starring a CGI Sylvester Stallone, a CGI Arnold Schwarzenegger and a CGI Bruce Willis. 
It's 1995 again, and everybody is once again young through the magic of computers. "Precipice" is a throwback action movie about an army trainer (Willis) who teams up with the world's best helicopter pilot (Schwarzenegger) and a violent former monk (Stallone) to overthrow an imaginable evil (Donald Glover) in the mountains of Tibet. 


"Team Builder" starring John C. Reilly, Leslie Jones and Ben Stiller.
The private airplane of a failing vinyl siding company's CEO (Reilly) crashes in the wilderness, forcing him to lead his team of incompetent lackeys to not only survival, but success! Donald Glover opted out of this one.


"Gracious Manner I and II" starring Kaya Scodelario, Laura Haddock and Donald Glover.

In this period piece set in 18th Century England, two ladies in waiting discover the supernatural power they have over men by simply waving a magic fan given to them by a mysterious ambassador (Glover).


"Sandhurt" starring Mark Wahlberg and Rob Van Winkle.

Two soldiers separated from their squad in the blistering heat of the Yemeni desert need to work together to find their way back from behind enemy lines. No water, no ammunition. Only TWO MICROPHONES and a chance to really battle it out! Starring Donald Glover as the emcee.

Friday, June 2, 2017