Monday, July 10, 2017

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Berner & Styles P were delighted that the IKEA cafeteria offered plates of broccoli.

Eric finished his album cover and then returned the safety scissors to Ms. Hannigan's desk.

"You called a Lyft?"

Soulja Boy not only is a terrible rapper - he also has trouble storing his money and thinks airport runways are good places to park.

When Party City doesn't have licensed Star Wars costumes, Kent Jones is forced to wear "Death Space Villain."

In my old man experience, any album that has the word "purp" or "trap" automatically sucks.
And so far, I haven't been wrong.

Somebody mixed their Allegra with their ketamine.

Guess what his favorite movie is (it rhymes with "Spar Trace")?

No regrets at all, B? Not even the man bun?

Friday, July 7, 2017

Spotted On a "Learn Sign Language" Box Label

Now I'm not an animal behavior expert, but I'm pretty sure -based on that cat's body language- that it's either going to dart out of there or scratch that girl's eyes out in self defense.

Wednesday, July 5, 2017

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: DOs and DON'Ts Edition

When walking by a topiary sculpture of Cthulu, DO distract him with a quiltwork cardigan sweater made from table runner swatches.

When picking up your prescription, DON’T give other patrons at Walgreens a heart attack by letting your customized t-shirt frill get tangled in your shoulder hair.

If you have an extremely skinny build and a big poof of hair, DON’T wear the color brown, because otherwise you'll look like a Pixar-rendered broom.

If you accidentally go out in public dressed like a Hooters girl, DON’T be surprised if male strangers angrily ask you why their plate of terrible wings hasn't arrived yet.

If your legs are whiter than a Republican polar bear's teeth during an iceberg Klan meeting, DO coordinate with black socks, a black shirt and some poor-fitting lime green short shorts.

Monday, July 3, 2017

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Win At RISK

Lots of folks like to play the classic board game RISK, but so many don't know the proper strategy to win. Here now are steps you can take to come out on top at your next game night!

1) Conquer continents wisely. While it's good to try to conquer continents early in the game, you must be aware that there are advantages and disadvantages to each continent. More isolated continents may be easier to maintain, but they are also more difficult to expand from. Therefore, you should choose a continent that is in line with your strategy.

2) Pay attention to the army bonus that you get for each continent. Some continents are much more beneficial to hold than others because you will get a better army bonus each turn. Before you begin trying to conquer a continent, find out how many armies you will get as a bonus for holding that continent. For example, Europe gives you a bonus of 5 armies per turn for holding the continent, while Africa gives you a bonus of 3 armies per turn. These bonus armies add up to victory!

3) Attack with the right amount of armies. Knowing how many armies to use in an attack on an opponent can be a huge boost to your chances of winning. A good general rule in attacking an enemy territory is to use twice as many armies as your opponent has on the territory you want to attack. This will increase your chances of winning and overtaking the territory. Keep in mind that you will need to move these armies to an adjacent territory before you begin your attack.

4) Fortify your borders against enemy attack. Make sure that you place reinforcements along your borders to make it harder for enemies to penetrate your territory.

And speaking of RISK, anyone who ever gets into my limo wearing an ankle monitor will be kindly but firmly asked to take another limo; I don't need the drama after last year. Be safe kids!