Tuesday, July 22, 2014

The Very Absolutely Definitively Definitely Worst Of Kidz Bop Cover Songs

"Thrift Shop" by Macklemore & Ryan Lewis (ft. Wanz)

The cringeworthy joyful rapping. The lyric "Damn, that's a old ass honky" replaced with "that guy on the marquee." This is fucking awful.

"My Immortal" by Evanescence

For once, they didn't autotune the lead singer, which turns out to be a BAD THING. This insincere goth ballad from 2000 gets a much-needed dose of serious Kidz brand SUNSHINE! Strangely, the lyric "these wounds won't seem to heal" sounds more authentic coming from tweens than from Evanescence singer Amy Lee. Weird.

"Party Like A Rockstar" by Shop Boyz

"Whoo!" "Oh!" "Totally dude!" "Yeaaaaahhhh" This is so painful I can't even write it up.

"Hey Soul Sister" by Train

Take shit. Mix it with shit, and blend it with shit. Then shit it all out through a shit filter. Voila, this!

"Float On" by Modest Mouse

Hey, take an overplayed indie hit and replace the vocals with Kidz! Do you like it now? Yes? Oh, fuck you.

"MMMBop" by Hanson

This kid-vocaled sunshiny cover of an already kid-vocaled sunshiny hit has created a kid-vocaled sunshiny vortex of light matter that will soon destroy the entire universe with doo-wops and handclaps. We as a civilization never had a chance.

Monday, July 21, 2014


The following Lobsterfest™ entries were transcribed from voice memos taken on a smartphone late Saturday night on the back patio after four beers and half a bottle of white zinfandel:

• Today you rest. Tomorrow, you dive headfirst into a punchbowl greased with olive oil mayo and your favorite crab chunks shaped like the Star of David. What, you're not Jewish? Then the cross or crescent, then. Can't we all just get along for one day with lobster on Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster®?

• There's this guy named Yuan. I guess he's Chinese or something, but he has this amazing electronics shop on 8th Street. Everything from motherboards to cable connectors, Yuan's got them all. He will personally meet you at Red Lobster® and reserve a table for you so that when shit gets hot at Lobsterfest™, you're guaranteed a table (provided you sit with Yuan- that is the only part of the agreement that you must honor). The only thing Yuan asks is that you not refer to him as "your friend," because he's pretty cagey that way. LOBSTERFEST™!

• Lobster shells ground up make for pretty good mulch. Or for a pretty terrible lubricant. WE DO NOT JUDGE at Lobsterfest™ at Red Lobster. WE HONOR ALL LIFESTYLES™.

• We know some pretty good college a cappella groups that would love to serenade you and your date when you're drenched in butter and lobster au jus. But we won't send them to your table because we're above cheap gimmicks like that. Keep this shit real.

• A-E-I-O-Lobster. New vowel, fuckers.

Friday, July 18, 2014

Let's Tighten The Suspenders On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall- WHO USES SPRINT- a texted image:

"2nd google image for 'ugly andrew gall,' behind the original" -AG

Tuesday, July 15, 2014

An Abomination Of A Different Kind

In a previous post, we introduced you to our Hall of Anthropomorphic Horrors, featuring a tooth with teeth, a hand with hands, and a foot with feet.

Last weekend in a hobby store, we happened upon another, completely different kind of abomination:

Look. It's a "Cool Collecting Barbie," which in itself has been labeled a "collectible."

So what does it collect, exactly? When you open the box does it collect itself? Does it seal itself back in the box to preserve its collectibility? Or does it collect other collectible Barbies to create a new Supercollectible? IS THIS THE END OF THE HUMAN RACE?????

Monday, July 14, 2014

Opening Soon: The EADJ Gerund Film Festival!

EADJ is announcing the EADJ Gerund Film Festival (sponsored by ING), a thrilling and exciting new happening featuring films that are either currently running or are playing on Netflix. Here are the current offerings:

The event will be starting August 13 and running until August 15. After the first screening, there will be another showing and back to-back signings with Eli Manning, Sybil Danning, Dakota Fanning, and Annette Bening. Those hoping for another helping are being invited to participating in the "Taking" Gerund Film Mini-Film Festival, featuring:

Okay, some of these weren't strictly gerunds. Fuck it.

Click here for more information.