Monday, August 3, 2015

Say, Why DID Jesus Come To Earth?

1) Because Callisto, one of the major moons of Jupiter, had fewer disciples to recruit.

2) For the cashews. Admit it- THEY ARE DELICIOUS.

3) Because he was legally obligated to appear on Earth per this contract with the William Morris Agency.

4) Because Jesus needed a place to crash.

5) Because the nearest CVS Photo was located on Earth.

6) To get the band together with Jason Newsted and James Hetfield in time for Ozzfest.

7)  Someone sent him an invite, so he figured what the hell.

8) Groupon.

9) To give the apostle Paul some new material to work with.

10) To avenge the death of S.H.I.E.L.D. agent Phil Coulson.

See you in Hell!

Thursday, July 30, 2015

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Make Delicious French Toast

Originally a way to use up stale bread, hot, steaming French toast is a perfect addition to a brunch, as well as making a delicious cold weather breakfast treat. Follow these steps, and you'll soon be enjoying its delicious goodness.

1) Beat egg, vanilla and cinnamon in shallow dish. Stir in milk.

2) Dip bread in egg mixture, turning to coat both sides evenly.

3) Cook bread slices on lightly greased nonstick griddle or skillet on medium heat until browned on both sides.

And speaking of "browned on both sides," if you're riding in the back of one of the limos I drive and stand out of the sunroof for hours and hours, just remember that the waiver you signed clears me of any liability for nasty sunburns.

Stay safe kids!

Wednesday, July 29, 2015

Fashion Week Comes Early

Spotted on July 4, this ensemble from the Ralph Lauren 2015 Summer Collection pays tribute to patriotism and terrible life choices.

Betsey Johnson and Emilio Pucci team up for this horrific Rainbow-Brite-going-to-Zumba-class look.

Spotted at the Sesame Place parade(!) in Langforde PA, this new line of revealing swimwear by Nancy Meyer makes your eyes scream for mercy and your erection apologize.

Givenchy launches this new style for metropolitans, which makes you look like your small dog got into your wardrobe and chewed your favorite sweater up so that it looks like you're wearing Skeletor's breast plate on your back.

Whether you're a college dandy from the 1910s or Ke$ha's boring midwestern sister, these new his & hers outfits by Balenciaga are sure to turn (dog) heads.

If you ever lose your bongo drum at a Subway, rest assured that this World Music three piece ensemble by Saint Laurent will announce to everyone that you're looking for it.

This peppy fluorescent number by Galls lets people know who's in charge, who's in control, and who is really running these streets.

When she's not pretending to speak British or eating healthy on welfare money, Gwyneth Paltrow likes to frequent loading docks in this casual ass-crack look by Gucci.

"Let your smile be your umbrella." This young chica took this advice to heart and braved the pouring rain last Friday, strutting her assets in this already-see through summer dress by Frederick's of Hollywood. You go girl!

Friday, July 24, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Icewear Vezzo sat quietly in his tent and prayed that the bear would take what he wanted and just go away.

Later that afternoon, Lil Flash murdered Yosemite Sam, butchered Foghorn Legcorn and put Sylvester and Tweety to death in a kennel.


Young Delphi's Groucho Marx impression was spot on, even though no one from his generation got the reference.


None of the Peanuts are getting murdered. I'll allow it.

Janet Jackson discovered that wads of cash could hide her mustache.