Thursday, March 16, 2017
Wednesday, March 15, 2017
Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!
Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:
574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election
234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun
959951 - Annoying Doris
382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference
101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)
997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police
248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching
777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat
423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling
825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex
535555 - Preferring the leading brand
661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster
Tuesday, March 14, 2017
"Hey, I'm a magical creature, too! And look, I've got orange triangles, purple moons, green wedges, yellow...uh...semicircles? Hey, where are you going?"
"I too am a jungle creature, but look at me using my TONGUE instead of my NOSE to find these Silly Circles (No, they're not supposed to be flies; don't be sick)!"
"Hey, you nearsighted grandpa, reach for me over here! That's it! Don't look too closely!"
"Hey, did you know? The expensive cartoon character FLINTSTONE evolved from green generic monkeys like me! And pebbles came from nuggets! It's true! Ask the Smithsonian!"
"Yarrr! Nautical theme over here! I'm not in the military but lookit all these crazy tentacles, son! Don't cry, this cereal is just as good as when your Dad had a job! :("
"I give up."
Monday, March 13, 2017
Brand: Keep It Green
Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly
Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this
Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch
Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply
Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset
Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster
Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form
Brand: Silky Soft
Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)
Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes
Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush
Brand: TOILET TISSUE
Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space
Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue
Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.
Brand: White Swan
Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background
Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience
Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.
Brand: RETOIN? RETAIN?
Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo
Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"
Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song
Friday, March 10, 2017
What kind of activity would cause a wear mark like that in the middle of a denim jacket?! Don't answer that.
This gal is about to order a burger, but it looks like she already found some nuggets.
Stretching for the subway in your Carmen Sandiego black hat, gloves and scarf tells everybody you are agile, quick, and about to grab that seniors seat first.
Accessorizing your coffee cup with your infant nephew's face seems like a good idea, Woman Bun, but it actually looks like you're keeping him IN that thermos.
Today's casual Nazi foregoes jackboots and crisp grey uniforms for the untucked Oxford and Walmart cargo pants. Looking sharp, Stephen!
Thursday, March 9, 2017
Wednesday, March 8, 2017
Who still uses Twitter anymore? Oh yeah, our stupid president.
Here are some dumb, unused hashtags that maybe he (or you) could use. Go nuts: