Friday, September 16, 2016
Thursday, September 15, 2016
Hollywood is creatively bankrupt, and the only game in town anymore are comic book superhero movies. Desperate for any type of inroad to this booming genre, the major studios have bought the rights to convert the names of glitter tattoos being sold at a kids' bouncy castle place in Edison, NJ for 2017/2018 superhero movie releases. Here are the scripts being worked on right now:
"Dinosaur T-Rex" starring Andy Samberg, Jay Baruchel and Elizabeth Banks. Three amateur paleontologists dumbly inject themselves with dinosaur DNA to become the short armed, violently ravenous Dinosaur T-Rex Crew! Special visual effects by Digital Domain and somebody's iPhone.
"Dancing Dolphins" starring Chloe Sevigny, Sarah Polley and Chloë Grace Moritz. Three friends vacationing in Aruba encounter a fallen meteor which bestows otherworldly DOLPHIN POWERS to the trio! Soundtrack by Paramore and that "Call Me Maybe" chick.
"Bat" starring Denis Leary and Robin Wright
Penn. A film noir take on the Batman myth, the worlds' most untrustworthy detective (Leary) takes on the case for a beautiful heiress (Wright Penn) who happens to also be a jewel thief.
"Dancing Fairy" starring Jim Carrey, Melanie Griffith and that kid from "Stranger Things" with no teeth. A wish from a birthday cake transforms an unexpecting Dad (Carrey) into a dancing fairy who fights crime while making rude gestures with his rear end. Rated R for male nudity and female dialogue.
"Turtle Swirl" starring Shailene Woodley, Jon Voight and Dwayne Johnson. A promising marine biologist is kidnapped by an evil nuclear physicist who transforms her into Turtle Swirl, whose powers include going slow, swirling, and having difficulty getting out of a bathtub.
"Twin Seahorse" starring Fergie and Patricia Arquette. Fergie and Patricia Arquette play twins (with special effects help from WETA Studios) who die in a car accident but come back as superpowered seahorses. Expect lots of product placement by Yankee Candle, Clorox 2, and Duraflame!
Wednesday, September 14, 2016
Tuesday, September 13, 2016
"I Think Donald Just Criticized Me For Preparing For This Debate. And Yes, I Did. You Know What Else I Prepared For? I Prepared To Be Pathmark."
Monday, September 12, 2016
Friday, September 9, 2016
Planting peppers in your own garden is easy. Just follow these steps:
Step 1: Prepare the ground with a tiller or turning fork. Work a 3- to 5-inch layer of compost or other organic matter into the soil to a depth of 8 of 10 inches. Using your trowel, dig a planting hole just deep enough to cover the root-ball of the plant. Space holes 18 inches apart for most peppers; some of the larger bells may need 24 inches.
Step 2: Drench the biodegradable pot until it turns dark brown. Gently peel off the bottom of the pot so that the roots will be in direct contact with the soil.
Step 3: Set the plant in the hole so that the top of the root-ball is level with the ground surface. Do not plant deeply like tomatoes, or the plants may rot. Make sure to bury the top rim of the pot so that there is nothing to stick up above the ground after planting.
Step 4: Sprinkle plant food around the plant and in the soil that will go back into the hole. Whichever fertilizer you choose, be sure to follow label directions.
Step 5: Backfill the hole. When you are done, gently pat the soil around the roots to avoid air pockets, and water thoroughly. This is very important to help settle the soil and start the plant. If desired, add plant food to the water to give your plants a boost.
Step 6: Mulch with pine needles, straw, or compost to help keep moisture in the soil and prevent weeds.
And speaking of needles and weed, I have a strict policy about drug use in my limousine: IF I CAN'T SEE IT, I can't report it to the police. You hear me, kids? Ride smart.
Thursday, September 8, 2016
Here is a new segment we'd like to try out on the blog called "Emily VENTS." It mainly consists of Emily Kane's texts seething about stuff she doesn't like.
Editor's Note: Emily is unemployed so therefore has a lot of time to vent on different things that annoy or vex her. This week it's Potbelly Sandwiches' Instagram feed (??!!???!!??), where she takes issue with both image and copy:
I mean, that picture is garbage. And the copy. Terrible.
Look at the soup. Seriously. Why is there soup residue on the top inside of the cup? WHY.
And those mushrooms look like anus. It's making me visibly angry.
Let's eat some mushy, overripe bananas while reflecting on a corpse. #RIP.
Half eaten agency lunch.
Agency lunch- because all you deserve is a bunch of sad sandwiches in cardboard. You're that good.
Just terrible looking.
How about we finish each others... manicure.
That'll be the day when I never want to see a Buddy Holly hoagie again.
Let's top some gross pasta with nasty meat.
Taste buds aren't the only thing in store...
I just can't even. Look at that bacon tongue. #beeflips
Is it really football season if you aren't looking at some "curtains" coming out of a dry sandwich?
*football not to scale