Wednesday, December 17, 2014

The EADJ Holiday Shopping Guide: Which Halle Berry Celebrity Perfume Is Right For You?

So you have to give your girlfriend a Christmas present and think she's too fat and disgusting but want to pretend you're fucking Halle Berry with your eyes closed. Here's a handy holiday guide to navigate the complex world of Halle Berry-endorsed perfume:

Perfume Name: Exotic Jasmine
Halle Berry's hair on the package: Monster's Ball
Contains hints of: jasmine, jasmine extracts, and some bile from Jasmine Guy
Will make your significant other: horny as an iguana in a boot store

Perfume Name: Closer by Halle Berry
Halle Berry's hair on the package: Gothika
Contains hints of: muskellunge, chirashi and sriracha
Will make your significant other: sweat like a hot, wet summertime dumpster

Perfume Name: Wild Essence: Halle Berry
Halle Berry's hair on the package: "Extant" TV series, which I heard started out promising but ended up sucking for some reason
Contains hints of: vanilla bean, horse
Will make your significant other: cheat on you with the guy checking receipts with a highlighter at Home Depot

Tuesday, December 16, 2014

Let's Scrape The Baked-On Meat Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Geoff via MMS, Ne-Yo is a doppelgänger of ME.

Personally, I like my version of "Make It Work" better.

Thursday, December 11, 2014

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based On Some Toys Spotted At Walgreens

The entertainment complex continues to desperately mine every avenue for ideas for movie scripts.  Here are the latest in-development properties that Universal Studios, Warner Brothers, Sony Pictures, 20th Century Fox and MGM are working on:

"So Soft Baby" starring Sasha Grey and Tom Hardy

An ex-con vows to protect his stripper girlfriend from a marauding band of devil worshipping swordsmen, led by Steve Buscemi.

"Battery Operated Cash Register" starring Sean Astin, Kat Dennings and Michael Douglas

A flea market comes alive when newcomers Astin and Dennings take over the wicker chair repair booth run by veteran Douglas. Karen O and Barbra Streisand collaborate on the soundtrack.

"Brute Construction" starring Toby Maguire, Corbin Bernsen, Cheri Oteri and Dan Fogler
Three gay guys start a construction site and discover the deep-rooted prejudice (and HILARIOUS HIJINX!) in the industry. Cheri Oteri stars as their wacky/sensitive receptionist.

"Street Savage" starring Dane Cook, Rhys Ifans and Alison Brie
A take-no-prisoners, run-from-the-law, lone gun, lone wolf, black sheep from the wrong side of the tracks gets fired from a tanning salon, run by Rhys Ifans, who isn't having it.

"Tommy the Turtle" starring Steve Carell, Eddie Money, Glenn Close and Freddie Highmore
This partially animated family film follows the journey of a computer generated talking turtle as he tries to reconnect with the family that left him at the beach "by accident."

"Play Food Basket" starring Eddie Griffin, David Alan Grier, Vivica A. Fox, and Jamie Foxx
This movie isn't directed by Tyler Perry. Why does that surprise you?

Wednesday, December 10, 2014

EADJ Programming Note

Because I have changed employers, all of the previously banned Fresh Direct entree entries have been restored to the blog in full Blu Ray quality.

You can re-read this amazing week of expensive vending machine food from 2009 here.