Monday, July 25, 2016

The Owner of The Bar Called O' Malley's Speaks Out On His Role In the Lyrics Of The Song "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)"



Let me start off by saying I am grateful for all the attention my bar has gotten from the Rupert Holmes 1979 hit "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)." For years before that song was released, my location on Main Street was good, but the flow of traffic was somehow all going to Donovan's down the street closer to the beach. But since that song hit the charts (and eventually became the 11th best selling single of 1980 on the Billboard Hot 100, I hear), business couldn't be better.

But for all of that, I'm afraid I do have to take issue with the role my bar has played in that travesty of a yacht-rock song. First of all, I'm a devout Catholic (surprise, being an O'Malley, eh?), and any depiction of infidelity– even if it's just lyrical– just rubs me the wrong way. Yes, I know that the singer and his "lady" were never depicted as married per se, but still.

I guess the second issue I have with it is more personal. See, I'm had a rock 'n roll childhood. Grew up on Black Sabbath and Zeppelin. Still listen to them. And I try to run a nice, down to earth pub with decent fixtures and a jukebox with some decent rock on it. So this association my bar has with this admittedly catchy but seriously LIMP-DICKED MUZAK SONG doesn't sit well with me at all. Gave me ulcers in the 80s, in fact.

Look man, I'm just (literally) minding my business, tending bar and cleaning up, and this long haired guy with white slacks, Hawaiian shirt opened down to his belly, and mirror shades sits down and orders a pina colada. Yeah, at an Irish bar.

So while I'm standing there figuring how to either concoct one of those blender drinks or punch the guy in the throat, this woman with feathered hair, flared polyester pants and the biggest sun hat I've ever seen sits down next to the bloke.

They instantly recognize each other and start laughing about something or other. Then the guy hails me and orders TWO piƱa coladas now. I'm about to throw the two of those hippies out, but it suddenly starts raining outside. Customers at the outside tables come rushing in, but those two forget about the drinks they ordered and run out into the rain towards the beach. Morons.

Thursday, July 21, 2016

Your Timesheets For This Week


TO: ALL RECIPIENTS, BOSTON OFFICE
FROM: AUTOMATIC TIMESHEET MAILBOT

BEGINNING AUTOMATED MESSAGE:::


:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

WASSUP BITCHES
TIME TO FILL OUT YOUR TIMESHEETS BEFORE THE WEEK IS OVER. PLEASE REFER TO THE ENCLOSED .XLT FILE FOR THE RELEVANT JOB NUMBERS FOR WHATEVER ASSIGNMENT YOU'RE WORKING ON

FAILURE TO COMPLY WILL RESULT IN AUTOMATIC TERMINATION. J/K I GOT YOU FOR A SECOND THERE LOL. I BET I HAD YOU GOING, JAMIEL.

ANYWHO, HERE ARE YOUR JOB NUMBERS:

:::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::::

53964: Making love out of nothing at all

93550: Stopping short of a full Presidential endorsement

61632: Reporting to the Better Business Bureau that the massage parlor didn't give you "full release"

39399: Tweeting your fucking lunch

09009: Instagramming your fucking lunch

29282: Facebooking your fucking lunch

22194: Finally eating your fucking lunch

07353: Tripping a little and walking it off like you were picking up the pace

22186: Creating an infographic of Kevin James' entire filmography

20459: Challenging Joyce to a M*A*S*H trivia contest

56100: Jerking off to that hot older woman on "Shark Tank"

86651: Really regretting making that taco joke to that Mexican guy in accounting

Friday, July 15, 2016

This Week's Least Used Hashtags


Twitter is an ugly woman who acts like she's a runway model. Twitter is a dish of stale rest stop pizza that is being sold as filet mignon. Twitter is a D rate actor billing himself as the next Sam Worthington. Twitter is a two legged dog with a boner dragging itself along a shag carpet. These are this week's least used Twitter hashtags that you can use for your own stupid Tweets:


##oxycontingiveaway
#SpaghettiOsfitonmydick
#vinylglovefilledwithfarts
#Netflixandletsjustbefriendsokay
#sorrynotsorryokayactuallysorry
#theBazookaJoecinematicuniverse
#stranglingtheguyfromDepecheMode
#lookingfabulouswhileevictingafamilyoffive
#itsactuallynotcomplicatedijusthaveterribletasteinmen
#itturnsoutEddieMoneyonlyhadonetickettoparadisebutlied