Monday, May 25, 2015

Friday, May 22, 2015

Yet Another Candidate Falls Short

Earlier today, another submission was brought to our attention in the hope that it could be included in the vaunted "Blackberry Exhibit." Unfortunately, it is just another failed attempt to piggyback on the artistic glory of a modern masterpiece.

Here's a breakdown of the submission– who we've dubbed "Trevor"– and why it ultimately did not qualify:

1) Trevor is indeed on a handheld device, thus satisfying the first requirement.

2) Upon closer inspection, however, it does appear that Trevor's facial expression is not the standard "sturgeon face" but instead small pursed "duck lips."

3) Although thematically aligned with the subject matter and despite its obvious addition to demographic diversity, Trevor is the latest in a long string of rejections. The celebrated octych remains.

"The Blackberry Face: A Season Of Delights" will be on display soon at the main pavilion in Norway's Lillehammer Art Museum starting July 15. Admission for members is 25 krone, general public 60 krone. Children under 10 are not permitted to come within 30 meters of the art piece as it is priceless. Armed guards will tranquilize any violators on sight.


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now is the time where we judge mixtapes solely by their cover:


"Come on, tell us. What's your password? JANEY? JANEY5? You can tell us. JSMITH? JANESMITH8? JANEPASSWORD9? Come on, give it to us already. JSUSER? MYNAMEISJANE35? JANE-SMITH-ISME?"

Not sure if this is a mixtape or Rated M for Mature for the Xbox 360.

Believe it or not, this album was released earlier this year, and not in 1998 at a Sam Goody / Coconuts in one of those long CD boxes.


Uh, whoa. Okay. Pass.

I swear if you blur your eyes, it looks like this guy is squatting and grabbing his naked crotch.

The stuff of hip hop nightmares.

You just know that when marijuana is eventually legalized nation-wide, there will be a whole cottage industry of weed-based hip hop that will suffer. Real talk.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Eat a Dick, Cheney.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Brutal Finishing Moves of the New Mortal Kombat Game

Earlier in April, Mortal Kombat X (or MKX) was released for the PS4, Xbox One and Steam, and like its predecessors, features tons of violent finishing moves, or Fatalities.

Here is a list of the new Fatality finishing moves:

• Cassie Cage destroys Liu Kang's antivaccination rationale
• Takeda completely rips on Sonya Blade's Netflix rental history
• Kung Jin grabs Goro by the arm and tells him in private to "cool it about black people"
• Sub-Zero refuses to acknowledge Kitana at the next meet 'n greet mixer
• Kenshi doesn't deposit enough money into his and Quan Chi's joint bank account, thereby causing serious overdraft fees
• Mileena promises to pick you up at Baggage Claim but instead parks in Short Term and doesn't tell you
• Scorpion intentionally pronounces Kano's name wrong
• Johnny Cage disembowels D'Vorah, slashes her throat, and then skips out on their bar tab, leaving her to pay for everything
• Raiden starts texting to Goro, causing the gray circles in Chat by his name to show up, but doesn't end up typing anything at all, leaving Goro totally in suspense