The Last "Plus" Entry Ever, I Promise

I'm pretty sick of posting businesses and products with the word "plus" in their name, but I couldn't pass up this one spotted on 2nd Avenue in Midtown.

"Basics Plus?" If it's basics, then it wouldn't need a plus.

And if it has a plus, that means it's not basics anymore, right?

"It's time to just get back to the basics. Plus some other extra things here and there."

It feels really great to end an EADJ segment on such a high, hilarious note as this.

The Biggest Revelations From The Interview With Fergie In The Spring Issue of Walgreens "Happy and Healthy" Guide

• The real talent of the group? apl.de.ap

• During her Super Bowl halftime performance singing "Sweet Child O' Mine," Fergie says she could see Slash's soul leaving his body.

• Sinus Relief Wash Kit- $3 off. Limit 3

• Her relationship with Josh Duhamel is totally boring

• Before she sucked solo and sucked with the Black Eyed Peas, did you know she sucked in a girl band called Wild Orchid?

• Maple Bacon Jerky 3.25 oz. 2/$7 or 3.99 ea. with membership card

• When she's not ruining music, her favorite hobbies are shopping and not ruining music.

• It takes the average retoucher 653 man hours to retouch photos of her.

• She actually sang backup vocals for Katy Perry's "Firework." Not really.

• She no longer eats caramel corn from those big tin canisters you get at Christmastime along with cheese corn and chocolate corn because her turds came out massive.

• Prefers the Harry Potter books to listening to her own music.

• Once stormed offstage after being heckled by a bat.

• Does push-ups between takes so her voice comes out sweaty.

• Calcium Extended Release Tablets- buy 1 get 1 50% off with membership card

Let's Catch Up With The Three Girls From The Classmates.com Banner

If you've ever been on the Internet, you've probably seen banner ads for classmates.com that feature three winsome young maidens from what looks to be the 80s. EADJ tracked each of these three ladies down to ask them what they're up to now.

Girl #1

Often mistaken for Andrea Zuckerman from "Beverly Hills 90210," Kinshasa Malou is now married and working as a cost consultant for a cracker factory in Couer D'Alene, Idaho. Her hobbies are playing BioShock Infinite and coaching her daughter's soccer team while wearing extreme jump shoes. 

Girl #2

Through some cosmic coincidence, the second Classmates.com girl is also named Kinshasa Malou. Since posing for the infamous 80's photo, Malou has since joined the NASA Space Program as commander of the STS-112 crew, which recently completed its mission to the International Space Station. Malou is married to actor Jeremy Renner and currently lives in Palma, Majorca.



Girl #3

Since her sex change back in 1991, the third girl named Kinshasa Malou (yet another coincidence that science can't explain) opened and now runs a hardware/radiator repair store in Billings, Michigan. Malou is a staunch Republican and NRA backer, and she still insists on using the word "Chinaman."

A Quick Word On Shitty Facebook Memes

Whether they're religious, female empowering, pet-loving, or just plain sappy, these bumper sticker-sized groaners pop up on the underside of Facebook like barnacles. Seeing this type of thing constantly flare up on the News Feed has to be the closest thing to experiencing herpes. And there's a type of person who posts this type of shit on their FB Walls- the type that has nothing interesting to say but desperately wants to say something or is too lazy or illiterate to put words together on their own.

Here is a sad collection of some of the worst I've seen in the past week:

And who TYPESETS this shit?

I'm not a theologian, but I think forging a message from Jesus Christ might earn you your own sulfur pit in Hell.

Do you have bland, general messages of positivity to share? Fuck you.

FB friends of mine who continue to liberally post these memes will be featured on the EADJ Facebook De-Friender shortly.

Julia's Creations must die.

Fashion Is Never Out Of Style. Whatever The Fuck That Means.

 

The wandering nomad is prepared for the desert, even when just popping over to Jamba Juice for an Apple 'N Greens smoothie.

 

iPhone + caramel latte = pussy

 but

Russian hat + tattoo = Russian mafia

I still need more info to make a judgment here.

 

"Can I borrow your grease pencil? I need to express surprise."

 

Although Derek's garage band made it on SPIN Magazine's "50 Must Hear Bands at SXSW" and even had a song featured on "Grey's Anatomy," his father still wanted him to get a "real" job. 

 

Here's a tip. If you're a young single girl trying to make it in the big city with nothing but a little bit of pluck and a stride in your step, get the fuck away from me because that shit is fucking tiresome.

 

We get it. You treasure the infrequent times you get to escape your boring job at the American Academy of Pediatrics to go on the black diamonds at ski resorts in the Poconos. But take some of those lift passes off before you blind a dwarf.

 

Even white boys gotta shout.

 

"Green hoodie, check. Green sunglasses, check. Wait, WHITE iPhone earbuds? No, that just ruins the whole outfit. Why would I even get dressed in the morning if the balance was all thrown off?! Okay, there. GREEN iPhone earbuds. Time to step out."

 

Stet. No change needed.  If you're confident enough to walk Park Avenue like it's a runway with TWO bags off the same shoulder, far be it from me to harsh your fabulous.

A Happy Mother's Day Greeting From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

 

 

I did not check the accuracy of this posting. It is however worth knowing.

IMPORTANT INFORMATION

Three women in North Florida turned up at hospitals over a 5-day period, all with the same symptoms. Fever, chills, and vomiting, followed by muscular collapse, paralysis and finally, death.

There were no outward signs of trauma.

Autopsy results showed toxicity in the blood. These women did not know each other and seemed to have nothing in common. It was discovered, however, that they had all visited the same Restaurant (Olive Garden) within days of their deaths. The Health Department descended on the restaurant , shutting it down. The food, water, and air conditioning were all inspected and tested, to no avail..

The big break came when a waitress at the restaurant was rushed to the hospital with similar symptoms. She told doctors that she had been on vacation, and had only went to the restaurant to pick up her check.

She did not eat or drink while she was there, but had used the restroom.

That is when one toxicologist, remembering an article he had read, drove out to the restaurant, went into the restroom and lifted the toilet seat .

Under the seat, out of normal view , was a small spider. The spider was captured and brought back to the lab, where it was determined to be the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata), so named because of its reddened flesh color. This spider's venom is extremely toxic, but can take several days to take effect. They live in cold, dark, damp climates, and toilet rims provide just the right atmosphere.

Several days later a lawyer from Jacksonville showed up at a hospital emergency room.Before his death, he told the doctor, that he had been away on business, had taken a flight from Indonesia , changing planes in Singapore , before returning home.He did NOT visit (Olive Garden), while there. He did (as did all of the other victims) have what was determined to be a puncture wound, on his right buttock. Investigators discovered that the flight he was on had originated in India .

The Civilian Aeronautics Board (CAB) ordered an immediate inspection of the toilets of all flights from India and discovered the Two-Striped Telamonia (Telamonia dimidiata)spider's nests on 4 different planes!

It is now believed that these spiders can be any where in the world .

So please, before you use a public toilet, lift the seat to check for spiders.
It can save your life!

Please pass this on to everyone you care about.

The Stars of Latin Pop Radio Are Very Angry With You

The stars of Latin Pop Radio are very angry with you. Muy enojado.

For one thing, they are muy irritado that you haven't watched much Univision although you get it on your 400+ channel cable subscription. You even have Univision HD and haven't bothered to turn to channel 459 once! The only time you've ever even seen Sabado Gigante was when you accidentally scrolled the wrong direction looking for ESPN Classic. ¡Qué decepción!

Ricky Martin is totalmente descorazonado that you haven't caught him in his guest star role on "Glee." He has a net worth of over $60 million and you can't be bothered to see him shake his bon-bon as Spanish teacher David Martinez? Living La Vida Furioso!

Shakira has been a wildly successful judge on "The Voice" this season, and you still think Cee-Lo is on it? She boasts an IQ of 140 and has sold over 7 million copies of her second album alone, and you still mistake her for Christina Aguilera? She is lo lívido that she can't even hablar! Hips don't lie, and her hips are completamente enumeró.

Enrique Iglesias is glad you don't call him "Julio" anymore, but he is muy muy deprimido that you still think he has that birthmark on his face, although he quité that mierda back in 2003. Muy muy muy cabreado.

Don't even think about speaking to the stars of Latin pop radio again until you pensar about what you've hecho.