Friday, February 2, 2018

Some Upcoming Info Wars Conspiracies

You don't have to wait until the next broadcast to hear what Alex Jones and his team of writers have for you racist gullible types. Here now is a sneak peek of the outlandish connections and unverified clamshit that they'll try to pass off as news:

• Hidden Valley Ranch is a black-ops CIA operation where they grind Bibles and orphans' bones down into dust for spices and flavor.

• When you masturbate, the Obama-run IRS automatically downloads 30% of your dirty thoughts and posts them as "hentai" on reddit.

• Kirby Puckett was a German spy in cahoots with Suze Orman and the Muppets' Dr. Bunsen Honeydew to undermine American pride by having people spell words like "cheque," "flavour," and "colour" the English way.

• He-Man used to be totally gay for Skeletor, but thanks to conversion therapy, he's totally into She-Ra and hits that every night (high five).

• The big six Hollywood Jewish studios have rejected Alex Jones's screenplay about a heroic radio DJ who's pursued by hairy liberal women and scary black people because they're afraid that it's *JUST TOO GOOD.*

• Mexico has secretly agreed to pay for the border wall, but only if they're treated to a special impromtu concert with a supergroup consisting of Kid Rock, Ted Nugent, Mike Huckabee on bass and Kanye West.

• Melania has fallen in love with the president's animatronic robot in Disney World's Hall of Presidents and flies to Florida every weekend to be felt up by its metal hands.

• The Deep State liberals are poisoning young Christian minds with verified facts, statistics, context and an invitation to critical thinking in an insidious information delivery system once known as "books."

Thursday, February 1, 2018

Assessing The New Jersey Wings Celebrity-Named Combos

In Union, NJ, there's a joint that is gleefully using celebrity's names without their permission to sell their deep-fried foodstuffs. Before someone sends them a cease & desist letter, here are our thoughts about the appropriateness and relevance of these famous New Jerseyans' names to their assigned "combo."

Christie Combo
Relevance: 8 out of 10. Four pieces of fried chicken seem like a lot for a meal, but probably not enough for the obese former governor. 
Serving Suggestion: Eat it alone on a closed beach.

The Springsteen
Relevance: 6 out of 10. A burger is pretty all-American. But only 1 side?! Bruce rolls deep with a lot of sides, brother.
Serving Suggestion: On the NJ Turnpike going 70.

The Streep
Relevance: 8 out of 10. Meryl Streep's ability to morph into any personality goes surprisingly well with the concept of a wrap.
Serving Suggestion: In Africa

The Bon Jovi and the Sinatra Combos
Relevance: 3 out of 10. Not sure how Bon Jovi relates to buffalo wings, and I sure as hell wouldn't refer to Sinatra as "boneless." These two are huge disconnects.
Serving Suggestion: On a steel horse/in New York, New York

The Jeter Combo
Relevance: 2 out of 10. With a career batting average of .310, 3465 hits, 260 home runs, and 1311 RBIs, I think Derek Jeter deserves better than "chicken fingers."
Serving Suggestion: Eating off of Minka Kelly's ass.

Wednesday, January 31, 2018

Here Are Your Timesheets For January 2018

Hello fellow co-workers. This is Gail from HR, reminding all of you that timesheets are due by the end of today or else we won't be able to bill our client on time and then get paid on time. This is of utmost importance.

And since I have you here, it is also of utmost importance that behavior and conversation in the kitchen comply with our company's clear HR guidelines. Since so many of you have been guilty of this for the past 31 days or so, I have assigned job numbers to them:


240024: Weighing Marg's admittedly spectacular breasts with your hands

910447: Using the kitchen cake server to measure your dick

083495: Explaining the meaning of "American thighs" from AC/DC's "You Shook Me All Night Long"

657221: Loudly bragging about how long you "edge" at the strip club

992344: Posting your Slave Leia cosplay photos on the fridge

710299: Coming

032415: Playing "Fuck/Marry/Kill" with the Supreme Court justices

882836: Describing all the filthy things you'd do to the new intern to the other intern, who you don't realize happens to be her boyfriend

632830: Twirling your pasties

353581: Adjusting your balls before touching all the breakfast muffins (I'm looking at you, Louis)

593955: Defending Quentin Tarantino's defense of Roman Polanski

400912: Using the word "dongle" in an unprofessional way

810046: Describing in graphic detail where to take this job and shove it

Monday, January 29, 2018

Some Movie Ideas Based on A Rite Aid Poster For Hand Warmers

Clearly out of ideas, Hollywood's major studios have resorted to a bidding war over who gets to release a feature film based on a display poster for hand warmers at a Rite Aid in New York. Here are their pitches:

20th Century Fox: "Beat The Cold" starring James Marsden, Amy Schumer, Sterling K. Brown and Emily Blunt. A giant yellow asshole appears in the sky, and it's up to four Christmas carolers to bring it down (or at least get it to shut closed).

Sony Pictures: "Warmers" starring Channing Tatum, Jack Black, Rachel McAdams and Giancarlo Esposito. A group of blackballed personal trainers decide to start their own "warm-up" camp and discover a whole new way to inspire a generation of losers. Also starring Josh Gad as the big gym's janitor turned snitch.

Walt Disney Studios: "HOTHANDS WARMERS" starring Jodie Foster, Kurt Russell and Mindy Kaling. A group of friends happen upon an ancient animated artifact that warms hands and hearts. Also starring Michael Stuhlbarg as the evil, meddling scientist.

Universal Pictures (in collaboration with Troublemaker Studios): "Calentadores" starring Selena Gomez, Antonio Banderas, Charlie Day and Michelle Rodriguez. This Hispanic-based story follows four football (aka soccer) fans in Venezuela who suddenly develop super warming powers after being exposed to some toxic waste from a nearby aluminum refinery. Directed by Robert Rodriguez.

Paramount Pictures: "The Cold" starring Viggo Mortensen, Jessica Alba, Sean Hayes, and Crystal Bernard. This survival story recounts the harrowing experience of four friends trapped inside an outdoor stadium after hours. They survive on leftover hot dogs, stale beer and love.

Warner Bros. Pictures: "Green Lantern 2" Completely unrelated to hand warmers, the cold, or four smiling people, Warner Bros. decides to launch a sequel/reboot of the failed Ryan Reynolds movie with even more CG effects, a darker, grittier tone and letting Zack Snyder do whatever the hell he wants. Set to release in 3 months.