Wednesday, March 15, 2017

Here Are Your Monthly Job Numbers



Hey, party people! And I say party people because we are ABOUT TO PAR-TAY at this corporate retreat! And I hate to be the bringer of bummer announcements, but Carl has told me no one can board the bus until they submit their timesheets and email the receipt code to me by EOD. Sorry, folks, I don't make the rules. But I do MIX THE COCKTAILS, WUT!

Anyhoo, here are the job numbers for y'all:


574839 - Colluding with the Russians to influence the election

234256 - Asking someone to put the straw in your CapriSun

959951 - Annoying Doris

382410 - Trotting out an old, tired "Chappelle Show" reference

101222 - Shitting in a tin bucket (FOR CHARITY!!!!!)

997736 - Confronting the killer yourself without calling the police

248245 - Dancing like somebody's watching

777392 - Peeing on the women's toilet seat

423888 - Trying to make saag paneer stick to the ceiling

825553 - Realize you're not conceiving because it was all anal sex

535555 - Preferring the leading brand

661845 - Gathering evidence against your scoutmaster

Tuesday, March 14, 2017

The Palpable Desperation of Safeway Brand Breakfast Cereals

"Hey, I'm a magical creature, too! And look, I've got orange triangles, purple moons, green wedges, yellow...uh...semicircles? Hey, where are you going?"

"I too am a jungle creature, but look at me using my TONGUE instead of my NOSE to find these Silly Circles (No, they're not supposed to be flies; don't be sick)!"

"Hey, you nearsighted grandpa, reach for me over here! That's it! Don't look too closely!"

"Hey, did you know? The expensive cartoon character FLINTSTONE evolved from green generic monkeys like me! And pebbles came from nuggets! It's true! Ask the Smithsonian!"

"Yarrr! Nautical theme over here! I'm not in the military but lookit all these crazy tentacles, son! Don't cry, this cereal is just as good as when your Dad had a job! :("

"I give up."

Monday, March 13, 2017

The Off-Brand TP Roundup: The Trump Era

Brand: Keep It Green

Brand Imagery: Green swirls, green lettering, and a green butterfly

Brand Promise: The earth won't die if you shit with this

Feels Like: Whatever you're wiping with has already biodegraded into mulch

Brand: Ocean Drive 2 Ply

Brand Imagery: An oval badge showing a road winding around a tidal wave into a sunset

Brand Promise: The promise of a fun road trip away from wet disaster

Feels Like: Very thin, sun-baked asphalt in roll form

Brand: Silky Soft

Brand Imagery: Periwinkle mosaic tiles and a SUDOKU(????!!!!)

Brand Promise: This brand sounds like a rapper that will soothe you with his rhymes

Feels Like: Riding an untamed horse with a burlap saddle through a thorn bush


Brand Imagery: Black and green argyle, white space

Brand Promise: This will technically count as toilet tissue

Feels Like: The very minimal that the government can approve as 2-ply. Gitmo ready.

Brand: White Swan

Brand Imagery: An S-shaped swan. Piss yellow flower background

Brand Promise: A soft-as-down pooping experience

Feels Like: Angry miniature geese and swans biting your balls and anus.


Brand Imagery: Confusing recycling logo in the middle of the name. An inexplicable Nintendo logo

Brand Promise: "Why are you reading the label? Shit already!"

Feels Like: The paper-to-ass equivalent of the Kids Bop Kids version of your favorite song

Friday, March 10, 2017

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: The Spring '17 Collection

What kind of activity would cause a wear mark like that in the middle of a denim jacket?! Don't answer that.

This gal is about to order a burger, but it looks like she already found some nuggets.

Stretching for the subway in your Carmen Sandiego black hat, gloves and scarf tells everybody you are agile, quick, and about to grab that seniors seat first.

Accessorizing your coffee cup with your infant nephew's face seems like a good idea, Woman Bun, but it actually looks like you're keeping him IN that thermos.

Today's casual Nazi foregoes jackboots and crisp grey uniforms for the untucked Oxford and Walmart cargo pants. Looking sharp, Stephen!

Wednesday, March 8, 2017

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Second Week of March Edition

Who still uses Twitter anymore? Oh yeah, our stupid president.
Here are some dumb, unused hashtags that maybe he (or you) could use. Go nuts: