Thursday, November 20, 2014

The Puddles of New York City, Identified by Pantone Number

There are a rainbow of unidentified puddles along the streets of New York City at any given moment, even if it hasn't rained recently. Here now is a Pantone® sponsored guide to the latest mystery liquids in Midtown, Downtown, and the "nice" part of Queens:

Tuesday, November 18, 2014

This Week in Hip Hop Awfulness


If it burns when you pee, visit your local clinic.

Toby hated it when his older brother Randall babysat.

No idea. Leave it as is. It's perfect.

Chief Keef and Gucci Mane continue to slay standards of what good hip hop is.

"Shit, I thought my keys were in my jeans, but maybe they're in the ashtray at home? In my desk drawer at work? Shit!"

Some people are too busy with their fabulous playa lives to put their phone down for a quick photo shoot. Jeez, even Oprah takes a break for a few snapshots, Le$.

Monday, November 17, 2014

How To Consult the I Ching Using A Chick-Fil-A Catering Menu

If you ever find yourself in a Chick-Fil-A in need of some sort of ancient oracle to answer a vital life question, look no further than Chick-Fil-A's own catering menu!

You'll find that the platters have been arranged in such a way to correspond with some of the many trigram configurations found in the original I Ching: The Book of Changes. So cast your three coins, ask a spiritual question, and look for the answer, courtesy of the Home of the Original Chicken Sandwich!

Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray = QIAN (Heaven)

The Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray represents the YANG energy of the universe: the Father, Sun and Fire Element. It also comes with cheesy ranch dressing for dipping.

Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray = LI (Fire)

The Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray can refer to the fire of the human mind and to the fire of the mind of Tao. The fire of the human mind refers to the many desires and emotions that veil the Original Spirit. This does not imply that the chicken salad within is spicy in any way.

Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray = KUN (Earth)

The Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray is the YIN to the YANG of the Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray. The Chick-Fil-A Nuggets Tray is firm and the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Cool Wrap Tray is yielding, They are fitted to embrace each other. They also go well together for corporate outings.

Chick-Fil-A Cool Wrap and Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray = KAN (Water)

Although the original I Ching never combined the parts of the YIN and YANG to create KAN, the Chick-Fil-A Cool Wrap and Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray resembled the configuration of the glyphs most closely. Turns out the KAN has its own complementing opposite: LI, represented by the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray, although the Chick-Fil-A Chicken Salad Sandwich Tray is half represented in KAN, which doesn't make any sense. Jesus, this whole thing really falls apart...

Chick-Fil-A Chick-N-Strips Tray = DUI (Lake)


Thursday, November 13, 2014


Got this piece of junk mail yesterday:

Although there is no Estoye University, if there were, here is the type of curriculum you could expect there:

• Earth Studies: Why S.H.I.E.L.D.'s 800-Ton Helicarrier Isn't As Green As They Say
• Econ 24: Why the Coinstar at the Supermarket is So Near the Lottery Machine
• Women's Studies 14: She-Ra, She Hulk and She Talks To Angels
• Hobbits 51: Hobbits, Hobbiton, Hobbitses and Hobbits
• Design 93: Why Trajan Pro Is A Worse Font Than Even Comic Sans
• Social Studies 300: How To Reconcile Your Love For Star Wars With Your Love For Star Trek
• French 6: Putain De Con De Pûte
• Seminar: How To Eat A Slice of Pizza Whilst Driving Stick in Cross Town Traffic
• Art 89: Why That Drawing of a Duck/Rabbit Is ALWAYS a Fucking Duck, Period
• Spanish 4: Introducton To French
• History 47: Dave Mustaine's Brief Stint As Lead Guitarist For Metallica (1981-82)
• Music 55: Why 95 South's "Whoot There It Is" Vs. DC Talk's "Whoomp! (There It Is)": Comparison and Contrast

Enrollment begins August 14, Never.