Friday, May 13, 2016

We Rank Some Air Mattress Packaging Models Based On Their Willingness To Fuck You


Jenny of the Serta 15" Twin isn't having it. She's too busy reading Lena Dunham news in OK! Magazine.

Willingness To Fuck You: A dismal 3


Although it appears she's wearing a bridal veil, Connie of Coleman's SupportRest is available. Too bad she's feigning interest in you and avoiding eye contact.

Willingness To Fuck You: An apathetic 4.


Judy of the Serta 18" Twin will hear your pitch, and let you fondle her fun-bags if you say the right things.

Willingness To Fuck You: An encouraging 5.


Elle MacPherson Tammy from Coleman's QuickBed Elite  is definitely interested. You can tell by her glow and her moistened pits that she wants to test the seams of that airbed.

Willingness To Fuck You: A hot to trot 7.


Cougars abound, and Delores of Aerobed's 17" Twin would bang you so hard, your property taxes would go up. What does that even mean?!

Willingness To Fuck You: A horny housewife's 8.5.


Every mattress company has a stud, and Coleman has Shawn. He's DTF and ready to be inside you (or ready for you to be inside him, he's cool with whatever).

Willingness To Fuck You: A solid 10.


Ariel of Coleman's GuestRest Elite Pillow Top is wondering why you haven't entered her yet. She's been lying back ready for about an hour now, and why are you still checking texts? FUCK HER NOW DAMMIT.

Willingness To Fuck You: A commanding 20. What more does she have to do to get your attention? DO IT ALREADY.

Wednesday, May 11, 2016

This Week's Least Used Hashtags



Twitter's finest, most erudite writers refused to use these hashtags for some reason. Go figure.
Be our guest and use any of these unused tic-tac-toe grids for your own stupid tweets:

#sexcema
#Hillary2020
#mallbackrubs
#screechnudes
#NeilCavutonipslip
#havingISISonyourresume
#marshmallowfluffonmytaint
#twogayguysandaChinesefingertrap
#takingmyparentstotheGWARconcert
#QdobaisjustChipotlewithlessdiarrhea
#sriracha+cuponoodles=spicyhomelessness

Thursday, May 5, 2016

More Terrible Porn Names


Not long ago, we made a list of available (but not very good) porn stage names for people interested in getting into "the biz." Here now are more names that weren't even good enough to be included in that previous list:


HER:

Barb Akoabeef
Felony Charges
Ana L. Bedes
Maby Anothertime
Bess Knot Gudunov
Jenny Tals
Isis Hamas Al Qaeda
Betty Wontstaythenight
Alma Sparadise
Chumba Wumba

HIM:

Twink Martindale
Thomas The Stank Engine
Flip Floponissues
Jerry Mander
Newt Erred
Cumcast
Cockulus Rift
John Boehner
Sal Debain