Monday, June 29, 2015

EADJ Pun Cops: Riot Police Edition

"Okay, boys. We're the last line of defense here. Puns... really bad puns... have taken over the city, and it's up to us to bring it all back under control. These puns are going to be coming fast and furious in a few moments, and I want you all to HOLD THE LINE. Everything's counting on this or it's total chaos. Let's go."

"Holy shit. 'She's a natural born Keller?' That is such a LAZY tagline."

*steps on the pun's neck and puts a ziptie around its ankles*

"Crepe Cod." "Crepe of Wrath." And even "Crepe-e Puns." This is a bit worse, but still generally lazy. We can handle this."

*easily deflects the puns with a riot shield*

"Groooaan. This is pretty bad. Stay tight, boys, don't let the 'hay' and the 'moo' combine forces here."

"Ha, you said 'force.'"


"WE NEED TO RETREAT A FEW STEPS!!!!!! 'USEFUL? TOTES' is more than our defense line can withstand. Use the fire hose! Use the pepper spray! Throw some stun grenades!"


Friday, June 26, 2015

More Goddamn Mall Kiosks And What Their Goddamn Attendants Are Probably Goddamned Thinking

The following is what Carrie at the Dipping Dots kiosk in Albemarle, Mass was thinking about:

• Are these two customers lovers or brother and sister?
• What kind of damaged adults order Dipping Dots or themselves?!
• Why, God, why aren't I famous yet?????

The following is what Dani at the Perfume YES! kiosk in Chilton, West Virginia was thinking about:

• My God, this cigarette tastes great
• Just puffing this in the parking lot relaxes me more than anything else. Ahhh.
• Wait. Who's minding the kiosk? Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...

The following is what Toni at the Shopping Inc. kiosk in Bethesda, Maryland was thinking about:

• Who buys all this useless crap?
• Is "True Detective" on tonight?
• Can anyone tell I sharted my pants? Hope not.

The following is what Brian at the Rosetta Stone Language Center kiosk in Los Palmas, California was thinking about:

• What should I get for lunch today- Sbarro or Panda Express?
• I wish people would stop avoiding giving me eye contact so I can sell some damned product.
• Is Iggy Azalea black or not?

The following is what Donna at the vacant kiosk in Portland, Oregon was thinking about:

• Are these split ends?
• Where the hell is Cathy and Angela? They're like 15 minutes late already.

The following is what Rosa at the Balloon Fun kiosk in Cheyenne, Wyoming was thinking about:

• What was my life plan again?
• I wonder what I would say if I ever got the chance to meet Sir Ian McKellen.
• I can't tell if I've lost weight in my chest or if my bra has lost its elasticity.

The following is what Taylor at the Damn Right Sterling Silver kiosk in Ithaca, New York was thinking about:

• This idiot doesn't think this is all real silver, right?
• Has anyone noticed that my socks don't match?
• Why are Oreos great, but Double Stuf Oreos are nasty as shit?

The following is what Tobias at the Bauble Bobble kiosk in Canker, Florida was thinking about:

• How did I get this corn kernel in my nose?
• When will Republicans realize that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay?
• Does any other word rhyme with "kangaroo?"

Monday, June 22, 2015

Answers To Last Week's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Click to make bigger:

Legal note: EADJ does not intend to suggest that these particular bathrooms are hobo friendly, nor are we condoning the outright prohibition of hobos at any of these locations. Also, the hobos we are referring to are the old-fashioned train-riding hobos and we are not poking fun of the very real homeless problem. Here, give to this charity if it makes you feel better.