Wednesday, April 29, 2015

How To Tell Apart The Different Gangs In Massachusetts

If there's one thing Massachusetts is known for, it's the roving, lawless gang activity. Here is a helpful guide for you to navigate the different violent MA turfs:

1) Greater Boston
gang color:  blue
These inner city thugs will shoot at you from a *pahked cah.*

2) North of Boston
gang color: yellow
Ways they will fuck you up: report you to their homeowner's association

3) Saints of Greater Merrimack Valley
gang color: spring yellow
Main hustle: scalping Red Sox tickets, printing rummage sale flyers

4) Bristol County "The BC"
gang color: forest green
Fave drank: pumpkin spice lattes

5) Plymouth County Brotherhood
gang color: Caucasian green
Gang sign: signal for "we're ready for our check, waiter"

6) Cape Cod Crips
gang color: Pantone 629 (Coated)
Illegal activities: saving a table at a buffet when the sign clearly states to get food first

7) Martha's Muthafuckin Vineyard
gang color: aqua
Weapon of choice: wine corkscrew rabbit

8) Nantucket Islanders
gang color: navy blue
Fun fact: Nantucket is a town, a county, and an island. YOU DO NOT FUCK WITH THAT.

9) "The MW Rough Riders" - MetroWest
gang color: lavender
Most frequent crime: sneaking a free refill at Blimpies

10) Johnny Appleseed's Apostles
gang color: light pink
Gang initiation rite: plant a series of apples along a country road; kill a guy

11) "Centurions" from Central Mass
gang color: barney purple
Favorite hang out: any brick oven pizza place in the area

12) Kings of Greater Springfield
gang color: puce
Popular firearm: Wellspring Grocery pricing gun

13) Hampshire County Bastards
gang color: khaki
Main hustle: getting you to validate their parking even if they didn't buy anything from your store

14) Franklin County Homeboys
gang color: a mix of lavender, puce, barney purple and pink
Number of members: same enrollment number as the Kiwanis Club

15) Berky-Berk Berkshires
gang color: coppertone
Common criminal activity: using expired Groupons

16) Mohawk Trail Mohawks (not to be confused with the Mohawk Native Americans, because that would be racist)
gang color: perforated line
Last known location: wilderness check cashing joint in Clarksburg

Friday, April 24, 2015

Six Lies Told By The Monticello Motor Track Brochure

This was found at the Mall at Short Hills, New Jersey. It's a very high end shopping center where Jamaican nannies push white babies around in strollers to pick up their Janie & Jack dining jackets. This pamphlet invites the wealthy to come drive their million dollar Lamborghinis at their professional-race-level courses.

1) A lifetime only if you have a fatal crash.

2) An exaggeration. Most sports cars are actually not that thrilled to be on the track.

3) This part of the track is actually Old Man Miller's driveway. You really shouldn't be driving on it unless you want Miller to chase you with a shovel.

4) "22 unique turns?"

Left. Right. Straight. Slight left. Slight right.
Those five pretty much cover every turn on this course.

5) The "Radical SR1 Experience" apparently involves driving a racer under a closing garage door.

6) Wearing a crash helmet is just as important to one's safety as NOT WEARING A LANYARD FROM YOUR NECK WHILE RACING.


Six Lies Told is proud to announce The Kings of Six Lies Comedy Tour, starring Edgar Collins, Jackey Mackey, T Dub Soft, and the incomparable Mika Hargrove. These four up and coming urban comedians give it to you straight about the 6 lies that are out there, each recounting them in their own unique style of comedy. Tickets are $1.99 online, $2.99 at the door.

Thursday, April 23, 2015

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, Infiniti Group International."
"Hi, I think I just killed someone."
"Excuse me?"
"I... I think I just hit a biker in Midtown with my Pathfinder. I think he might be dead."
"Wait, this is not 911. This is the assistance line for Infiniti Group. We sell clocks."
"Yes, clocks. Do you have a clock problem?"
"Sort of. I think I killed a guy. I didn't mean – he just came out of a side road and I couldn't swerve in time. Can I turn time back before I did it?"
"Very funny. Please get off the phone."
"No, seriously. I need your help. It says 'Please call for assistance,' and that's what I'm doing."
"Was there an Infiniti brand clock on the scene of the accident?"
"Yes. That's where I found this sticker."
"Okay. Just give me your social security number and location, and I'll send our Temporal Task Force Police to revise your recent history."
"Oh, thank you!"

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

6 Lies Told By The Chuck E. Cheese Birthday Party Pamphlet

1) "Your birthday boy or girl can choose between a 'Superhero' or a 'Princess' theme package." There is actually a third, less popular option: "College Grad Moving Back Home."

2) If you choose the Batman superhero theme, Chuck E. Cheese will gladly murder your parents in the nearby alley.

3) Goody Bags are sometimes Averagey Bags, based on market

4) LOL

5) Punching out your birthday candles is not as effective as blowing them out but is doubly hilarious.

6) For an extra $50 off the books, most of the male managers will show fathers their tits.


EADJ is proud to announce the grand opening of 6 Lies Youth Centers all around the metropolitan area!

These "6LYC" centers are designed to provide a 24-hour relaxed, authority-free space for kids to smoke, to talk, and to smoke. Please keep in mind, there is no security guard on the premises after 2am, so if you want to show up and start some shit, you'll want to do it around 2:30am.