Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Yelp Reviews of the Hotel California


1.0 star rating
10/8/1988  AVOID AT ALL COSTS

This is the type of place that will take your money, then turn around and stab you with their steely knives. Girlfriend and I made a reservation and paid for a "romantic suite" but ended up in a single room without windows.When confronted at the front desk the manager rudely yelled at her that we can check out anytime we like. Not ever allowed to leave, however. SEND HELP

DON H.

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1.0 star rating
9/7/1992  NOT WHAT WE EXPECTED

Got this place because of travelocity.com. Boy, do those pictures lie. This place is a shithole. The whole area stank of sweet summer sweat, especially around the courtyard. The hotel is located next to a mission whose bell won't stop ringing, even after 8pm. The list goes on. We would have done better staying at a Motel 6, but there aren't a lot of alternatives on that Dark Desert Highway. Worst of all, they would not refund our money– we had to complain to travelocity to get a measly $50 voucher. Luckily we found a good price for Holiday Inn Express which was night and day compared to this horrible hotel. I don't know how they stay in business. That manager is a bitch.

GLENN F.

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1.0 star rating
9/7/2010  DON'T BE FOOLED BY THE SHIMMERING LIGHTS

I don't know what got into me to give this horrible hotel a try. My head must have been heavy or my sight might have grown dim. Regardless, I had to stop for the night.

Mirrors on the ceiling? Pink champagne on ice? I don't know who this place is geared for, but it's all kind of chintzy and sad.

Was invited to a buffet in the "Master's Chambers." Got creeped out and stayed in my room instead, which was cool because I caught a "Blossom" marathon.

Not having wi-fi is unforgivable in this day and age.

B. SZYMCZYK
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5.0 star rating
1/1/1969  SWEET, THEY HAVE WINE HERE!

THE CAPTAIN

Friday, October 24, 2014

HENNY PENNY?!


HENNY PENNY! WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING!???!


ARE YOU EVEN PAYING ATTENTION TO WHAT YOU'RE WORKING WITH, HENNY PENNY??!!! JESUS FUCKING SHIT!!!!


OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD OH GOD WHY HENNY PENNY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY WHY

Thursday, October 23, 2014

Boombox Was Surprised He Was Still Around.


Boombox was surprised he was still around.


Roller kept his mouth shut about it.


Pink Balloon wanted to talk about it with someone.


Toilet Paper Dispenser was going apeshit over it.


(Submitted by Andrew) French Toilet was surprised.


But American Toilet wasn't surprised at all.

Wednesday, October 22, 2014

UAG

Ugly Andrew Gall = one break every week from writing a real entry.


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

6 Lies Told By The Ron Kim For New York State Assembly Flyer


1) Ron Kim doesn't actually have a white peach fuzz mustache- that's a crease on the flyer.

2) Governor Andrew Cuomo's entire quote was actually "We need Ron Kim in Albany like we need a snapping turtle in a bidet."


3) Ron Kim has actually never met Betty Crocker.

4) Ron Kim discusses but only pretends to care about procedural cop dramas like "CSI" and "Law and Order" with elderly white people.

5) Ron Kim's administrative assistant Darla doesn't normally use the "suck it" gesture during briefings.

6) Although Ron Kim has secured millions of dollars in funding for our schools and senior centers, he specifically said "To hell with hospitals. Fuck 'em with a rubber dick." (Source: Reuters)


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Monday, October 20, 2014

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness


Just think. The only thing keeping you from bathing in fresh, bright green lagoon water is Elephant Man and two women with low self esteem.


Never, never hire an amateur electrician.


Some hip hop artists actually don't endorse Pro Activ Solution.


One thing that can ruin a gangsta vibe is if someone in your crew makes farts that sound like a cat meowing.


Lumi sits on her golden throne of sparkling good intentions.


"Hey, I bet you I can get my ass kicked in thirty seconds. Watch!"
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP
"Hey bitches over there, I make more money than you. See all my bling? Smell my nuts!"
CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP CLAP


No comment. Fuck Chris Brown.


You won't go far at Cold Stone Creamery if you keep losing the sherbet scoop, fellas. Keep looking.


Global warming has been attributed to both the proliferation of greenhouse gases from factories worldwide and from White Dogg's sweaty nutsack.