Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Google Plus Does It Again

What the shit is this? I imagine Google+ has some sort of image scanning algorithm that finds multiple copies of the same photos and then animates them into a bizarro gif like you see below.


Kinda jazzy, really. I'd rather watch this for 2 hours than that movie again.

Tuesday, September 16, 2014

New On DVD This Week:


Available at a Blockbuster Video and Hollywood Video store near you.

Monday, September 15, 2014

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of September 15

LEAST used hashtags. Least used.


#NFLheroes
#bangerzonvinyl
#hangingwithISIS
#dickcheneynipnips
#theoutfieldreuniontour
#walmartpowerwalking
#andersoncooperinathong
#DMXchildrensbookswhat
#sometimesimsoproudofmylabia
#spendingqualitytimewithkimjong
#icancumactualpancakebatterjustwatch
#ineverfoundjoanriversorrobinwilliamsthatfunny
#myhighschoolprincipaloncetoucheddickswithmeandwespooned

Friday, September 12, 2014

A Reminder From Your H.R. Department: DO YOUR TIMESHEETS!


Hello. This is Adrian from H.R. If you're getting this email, that means you still have August timesheets to complete. Please have them done by end of day today. Thank you.

For those of you who have received this email twice today, that means you have both July and August timesheets to complete by end of day. I cannot stress how crucial it is that you complete these so we can get submissions to payroll. Those of you who have not completed June, July, AND August timesheets should have received three emails today, plus a written note from myself and our president Don Guffner on the importance of doing timesheets in a prompt and accurate manner. These written notes were hand-signed by Mr. Guffner himself.

To complete you time sheets, just open your Auto Timesheet software in your "Applications" bar. You have to quit out of any running applications to launch this. A dialogue box will ask for your employee number, social, and Auto Timesheet password. If you have not been issued an Auto Timesheet password yet, the default is "CUNTRAPISTS3." I have no control over this as the default password. Sorry.

Next, go to "File: Open" then click on the radio button that says "Start a new timesheet entry." Do not click on "OK," because that will take you back to the launcher. Instead, press control-T-space bar, and that should begin your timesheet entry. From there, you can search for the proper timecode by typing "search" in the upper left-hand search bar. If you type "search"in the lower left-hand search bar, it will delete all your previous entries and reset all your account passwords. If you do this by accident, your default password is "CUNTRAPISTS3." Like I said before, I apologize but cannot do anything to change this as your default password. It came with the system.

Repeat these steps for every job number you need to enter. If you have PTO, please go to "File: Alternate Entry," then click on "Paid Leave" where you can enter the dates of your paid time off. Do not click on "unpaid leave" by accident. I think you know what happens if you do. Yep. "CUNTRAPISTS3."

If you have any questions about timesheet entry between now and 5pm, please don't hesitate to call me, Adrian, or my office mate Hadrian. My extension is x35667, and Hadrian's is the same except with one digit off at the end. Good luck!

Adrian
Human Resources

Thursday, September 11, 2014

An Imagined Conversation


"Hello, Cancer Ribbon Collective?"

"Hi, is this Donovan? This is Kellie from the Kidney Cancer Association."

"Hello, Kellie. How are you?"

"Fine. I just have a quick question for you, if you have the time."

"Shoot."

"I took a look at the Cancer Ribbon Chart you sent last week? And I don't know if you know this, but there are two ribbons for kidney cancer."

"You don't say."

"Yeah, Donavan. Not trying to call you out, but there's a jade ribbon, and a yellow ribbon. I'm not sure if there's a mix-up or something."

"Kellie, is it? Yeah, I remember assigning the jade one to you like last year. You ordered all the jade ribbons in the fall for that walk."

"So you do remember. Why the second one, then?"

"Not sure… wait. You know what? We just hired an intern here last month, and I had asked Chelsea to organize the ribbons for a new chart to send out later next week. So I bet it was her doing. Just yesterday, she asked me where the yellow ribbons were. I asked her what for, and she just said 'pee pee.'"

"Ahh. So there's the culprit. Okay, thanks for clearing that up, Donovan."

"You're welcome. I better check on Chelsea to make sure she didn't assign a brown extra ribbon to 'poop.'"

Tuesday, September 9, 2014

Coming Soon To A Sam Goody's Near You



Featuring the tracks

• "WHAT RU CHKN?"
• "Smokin In The Boys Room"
• "(Get Your Older Brother To) Buy Us Beer"
• "Run Home To Mommy"
• "Fingering Amy Dodd (Why Haven't You Yet?)"
• "The Movie 'Grease" Has A Really Good Message To It"
• "NyQuil"
• "Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It. Do It (Do It)."