Thursday, February 4, 2016

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness


"Bachelor Number 5, if I were a wheelbarrow and you were a gardener, what would you do to me?"


Boogie Loc instantly regretted wearing the 150 lb medallion with his name and album title on it.


"A giant crying man standing right behind me. Yeah, right!"


See, this is what happens when you try to make soup without reading the instructions.


See, this is what happens when you take the art class in shading but skip anatomy.


"Why do we need to say grace? I'm right here."


"PAY TRIBUTE TO THIS RECESS' REIGNING TETHERBALL CHAMPION"


At first I was bummed that this was just the shot of some guy's head. Then I realized it was a tarantula crawling back there! Then I looked closer and realized it was just some guy's head again.


This album cover just made Neil Degrasse Tyson's head implode.

Wednesday, February 3, 2016

Tuesday, February 2, 2016

Alright, CKO Kickboxing, A Few Things:


1) That's not an octagon. If anything, it's kind of a "barn" shape.

2) UFC rules prohibit any foreign objects like tables, chairs or miniature parking decks in the octagon.

3) When kids kept in the kiddie octagon can CLEARLY see their parents violently kicking something nearby, don't you think they'll try kicking each other?

4) How am I supposed to get a good look at your merch on the wall when I'm being distracted by toddlers kicking the shit out of each other in the throat?

Friday, January 29, 2016

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

Previous entry here.


Charles: "Aw man. That was my favorite Caribou Coffee location."


Dexie: "Run from the comets! All of them! RUUUUUUUNNN!"


Vince Offer: "You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop!"


Ted (lighting a cigarette): "So you're my daughter or something?"
Candace: "I guess so."
Ted: "Well, shit."


Sylvester Stallone's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's Rocky Balboa and/or self-effacing humor about the way he talks]

Robert De Niro's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's played Jack LaMotta, Travis Bickle, and Al Capone. Also, the mandatory "You talking' to me?" line]


Ethan: "Wait a minute. There's an ACTUAL alien invasion, and the aliens' only weakness is laser beams, and the only people that can stop them are people with laser tag guns like us?"

Hamas: "Yeah, us and grocery store clerks with scanners. And anyone with laser pointers."


Mrs. Dott (taking off her skin-tight yoga pants): You boys don't mind if I do some yoga nude, do you?

Gregory: "Whooaaah mama!"

Vic: "Hubba hubba hubba! Lookit that bush!"

James: "That's my mom, but I'm totally erect! WTF!"


Contractor: "...and here on page 3, in section 45A, you need to initial here, here, and here, and then sign your full name at the bottom. Here's a pen. Today's date is August 18."


Amber: "You need to find the PERFECT MAN, Mom!"

Terri: "Yeah, Mom, although you've singlehandedly raised us alone since birth, you need the presence of a MAN in the house to validate us as a complete family!"

Mom: "Oh, you kids with your outmoded societal ideals of patriarchal authority! I love you!"

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 1


We're not sure why you're on Twitter- it's kind of dumb. But since you are, you may use the following unused hashtags in any of your misguided political rants/promotions/rumor-mongering:

#Idliketostabthepuzzle
#Whitneyshowreunion
#allthreeboobsarereal
#grrrrrrrrrrrpancakes
#ginghamlatexbodysuit
#SammySosaeatingSamosas
#americanpoliticaldiscourse
#CheesecakeFactorychildlabor
#losinglotterytickettapeparade
#franticallyhidingdingleberries
#unenthusiasticBernieSanderssupporter
#mashingmygenitalsagainstsaladbarsneezeguards