Tuesday, April 24, 2018

More Conspiracies To Come From Info Wars, Dumb Paranoiac Headquarters

Between shotgunning beers and shotgunning stray possum in their trailer park common area, Info Wars viewers love to tune into Alex Jones' program for the latest worldview that confirms their stupid beliefs. Here are a few that they don't have to wait next week for:

• The Presidents of the Men's Wearhouse and the Hair Club For Men were not ousted from their respective companies. Instead, they were actually gay lovers that absconded to Lima, Peru to get married and cover each other in cheap suits and hair plugs.

• Fire sprinklers in buildings built since 1995 actually spray disinfectant that only kills white people, and office fires are usually started these days by Arabs.

• Burger King adds a hidden "Netflix" tax of .03¢ to every purchase. The money is then funneled into a fund that pays for Kamaal's monthly Netflix subscription. Kamaal is an employee.

• Nautilus machines in gyms turn you gay by forcing you to work out in compromising "homosexual" poses. That's why you should stick to free weights. Those are totally not gay.

• A promise earned is a promise kept. Or is it a promise kept is a customer earned? A promise given is a customer kept? I forget. Either way, Jews are out to get you.

• The new Han Solo movie is unnecessary in telling the Star Wars story. Worse yet, it keeps showing aliens incorporated into society as equals to white people, which liberal Hollywood loves to push down kids' throats. GREEDO IS BLACK!

Thursday, April 19, 2018

New EADJ Segment: Mister Salty Speaks

In an effort to bring fresh thinking into this tired, unfunny blog, occasionally we'll test drive a new segment to see if it sticks. Here's a new one: MISTER SALTY SPEAKS:

He's a sailor. He's salty. Why wouldn't he speak this way?