Charles: "Aw man. That was my favorite Caribou Coffee location."
Dexie: "Run from the comets! All of them! RUUUUUUUNNN!"
Vince Offer: "You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop!"
Ted (lighting a cigarette): "So you're my daughter or something?"
Candace: "I guess so."
Ted: "Well, shit."
Sylvester Stallone's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's Rocky Balboa and/or self-effacing humor about the way he talks]
Robert De Niro's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's played Jack LaMotta, Travis Bickle, and Al Capone. Also, the mandatory "You talking' to me?" line]
Ethan: "Wait a minute. There's an ACTUAL alien invasion, and the aliens' only weakness is laser beams, and the only people that can stop them are people with laser tag guns like us?"
Hamas: "Yeah, us and grocery store clerks with scanners. And anyone with laser pointers."
Mrs. Dott (taking off her skin-tight yoga pants): You boys don't mind if I do some yoga nude, do you?
Gregory: "Whooaaah mama!"
Vic: "Hubba hubba hubba! Lookit that bush!"
James: "That's my mom, but I'm totally erect! WTF!"
Contractor: "...and here on page 3, in section 45A, you need to initial here, here, and here, and then sign your full name at the bottom. Here's a pen. Today's date is August 18."
Amber: "You need to find the PERFECT MAN, Mom!"
Terri: "Yeah, Mom, although you've singlehandedly raised us alone since birth, you need the presence of a MAN in the house to validate us as a complete family!"
Mom: "Oh, you kids with your outmoded societal ideals of patriarchal authority! I love you!"