Friday, January 29, 2016

Some More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

Previous entry here.

Charles: "Aw man. That was my favorite Caribou Coffee location."

Dexie: "Run from the comets! All of them! RUUUUUUUNNN!"

Vince Offer: "You’re going to be in a great mood all day because you’re going to be slapping your troubles away with the Slap Chop!"

Ted (lighting a cigarette): "So you're my daughter or something?"
Candace: "I guess so."
Ted: "Well, shit."

Sylvester Stallone's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's Rocky Balboa and/or self-effacing humor about the way he talks]

Robert De Niro's character: [Some self-aware dialogue that clues you in that he realizes he's played Jack LaMotta, Travis Bickle, and Al Capone. Also, the mandatory "You talking' to me?" line]

Ethan: "Wait a minute. There's an ACTUAL alien invasion, and the aliens' only weakness is laser beams, and the only people that can stop them are people with laser tag guns like us?"

Hamas: "Yeah, us and grocery store clerks with scanners. And anyone with laser pointers."

Mrs. Dott (taking off her skin-tight yoga pants): You boys don't mind if I do some yoga nude, do you?

Gregory: "Whooaaah mama!"

Vic: "Hubba hubba hubba! Lookit that bush!"

James: "That's my mom, but I'm totally erect! WTF!"

Contractor: "...and here on page 3, in section 45A, you need to initial here, here, and here, and then sign your full name at the bottom. Here's a pen. Today's date is August 18."

Amber: "You need to find the PERFECT MAN, Mom!"

Terri: "Yeah, Mom, although you've singlehandedly raised us alone since birth, you need the presence of a MAN in the house to validate us as a complete family!"

Mom: "Oh, you kids with your outmoded societal ideals of patriarchal authority! I love you!"

Thursday, January 28, 2016

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of February 1

We're not sure why you're on Twitter- it's kind of dumb. But since you are, you may use the following unused hashtags in any of your misguided political rants/promotions/rumor-mongering:


Wednesday, January 27, 2016

Some Terrible Porn Names

Feel free to use any of the following unclaimed porn names in case you're getting into "the biz." But please keep in mind, these are terrible names:


H. Ivy
Ana Filactic
Tara Dactyl
Eleanor Roosevelt
Java Script
Tess Tease
Amber Alert
Roe Tissery
Lexxxxi Prude
Winnie the Pube
Preg Nancy
Exxel Spreadsheet


Stefan Ready
Jim Membership
Rex Yourcredit
Honoré De Ballsack
Ari U. Inyet
Father Donald O' Reilly
Jack Squat
Corey Ander
Jiminy Rickets
Iowa Caucus

Monday, January 25, 2016

The Off-Brand TP Round-Up, 2016 Edition

See 2015's entry here.

Brand: Millennium Mor-Soft M600

Brand Imagery: A stylized letter M that looks like a brown lady's nether-parts

Brand Promise: It is "more soft." But more soft than what? Gravel?

Feels Like: Setting off an M80 in your arse.

Brand: Certo

Brand Imagery: Either stackable cups, a worm or an uncircumcised green penis

Brand Promise: Unknown. "We're certain your ass will be clean?"

Feels Like: Having your anus booed at by apes

Brand: Medline

Brand Imagery: What looks like a spinning top logo. Very sharp and pointy. The name "Medline" sounds like it's going to give you a bloody bunghole.


Feels Like: Sitting on a weaver's spinning, dry spindle

Brand: Monogram

Brand Imagery: Boring blue stripe. Boring logo.

Brand Promise: You will not notice us. We are average.

Feels Like: A stealth fighter's exhaust burning your bum.

Brand: Chalet

Brand Imagery: Downton Abbey

Brand Promise: A more proper, civilized way to wipe your filthy asshole.

Feels Like: Two gnarled twigs playing polo between your cheeks

Friday, January 22, 2016

Tuesday, January 19, 2016

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Fight Winter Allergies

It's winter and the air outdoors is crisp and pollen-free. But make sure the air indoors is just as clean to prevent allergies:

1) Make sure you store any firewood outside, to keep mold and pollen where it belongs.

2) Dust and dust mites thrive because of your heating system. Professional cleaners can give your ducts a clean bill of health. Change heat system filters at least once a month.

3) When it's very cold outside, keep your face covered. Going from very cold air to very warm indoor air can trigger an asthma attack.

And speaking of attacks, if you're ever in a relationship that's physically abusive, hire my limo service, get in the car, lock the door, and I'll drive you the hell out of that situation. For free. Be safe kids.

Friday, January 15, 2016

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Every song on this album is in the key of "sea." Get it? SEA? Get it?

Kent never liked using crosswalks. Especially when he's crossing an airport runway.

Where did Consequence find satin pajamas for a kid? I bet Sylvester Stallone is wondering who burglarized his bedroom.

"You got any more of them hat pins, man?"

Say what you will about Cartoon Lil Flash - he does practice good trigger discipline.

A man can only take so many episodes of "The Talk."

Mike regretted riding in the back of his aunt's El Camino through Atlanta's "paved" streets.

There's something wrong when your mixtape cover makes you think less of the rapper and more about's return policy.

Amazingly, this album is all tender love ballads with backing vocals by John Legend and Norah Jones.

Tuesday, January 12, 2016

Fun With Hair Coloring Products At CVS

A) Loves the new Adele song
B) Can't stand that new Adele song
C) Is thankfully deaf

A) Thinks you farted
B) Knows you farted
C) Would like to hear more

A) Retired MLB player
B) Former assistant to Barbra Streisand
C) Transferred from Al Qaeda to ISIS

A) Once gave Jaleel White a hand job
B) Once stuck her ring finger in Jaleel White's asshole
C) Has an upcoming date with Jaleel White and her imagination is going wild