Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Hulu periodically renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to the service this month:

• Euphoria - Middle School

• Comedy Central Refuses To Present

• Insufferable Jokesters

• The Roseanne Show But Without Roseanne and Now Without The Kids

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Star Trek: Between Mission Downtime

• Bitcoin Commercials From a Year Ago That Didn't Age Well

• Old Sesame Street Episodes Now in A New Aspect Ratio Where You Can See The Puppeteers' Arms

• Kremating The Kardashians

Slow Down, Lacey Chabert

I happened to Google "Lacey Chabert" and "Christmas" to see how many Hallmark Christmas movies she's in, and holy shit, I had no idea she was in at least TWELVE.

Jesus, Lacey, slow your roll. Leave some of the Christmas movies for other...

... What the hell? There's more?! How can you...

...OKAY, OKAY! You win, Lacey Chabert! You're the new Queen of Christmas. JEEZ.

UAG

Dog Park Missed Connections

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: the black Pomeranian

Me: the dark brown Lab

Howdy, pardner! You seemed as frisky as a bucking bronco when your owner unhooked your leash! We should chase squirrels together and see what happens!

You: the Rottweiler

Me: the other Rottweiler

I know I could kick your ass.

You: the noble Yorkshire terrier

Me: the Irish setter with ants in his pants

Hey Yorky (I hope you don't mind me calling you that)! You seemed detached from all the running/barking action at the park. I think we could be chase-the-ball buddies! Whaddaya say, friend?

You: the wheezing bulldog

Me: the snorting pug

We both seem to be having breathing problems due to over-breeding. We should hang out, like go to a movie or play or something.

More Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones and his staff of writers continue to litter the mediasphere with their outlandish wacko conspiracies, and their dumb target audience is still eating it up. Here are the latest unverified news "stories" that they're working on:

• The show "Ted Lasso" is a tool planted by FIFA to make Americans like soccer and therefore bow to the globalist, freedom-hating Saudis

• Those ziploc bags that you carry goldfish home in from Petsmart? NOT ZIPLOC BRAND

• Whenever you see a "®" symbol next to a company's logo, that means they vote Republican. Sweet!

• Any rumor that Ben Shapiro is the son of Alex Jones is both stupid and probably untrue.

• Pop up stores are temporary recruiting centers for Wiccans. Spirit of Halloween stores, especially.

• If you don't eat the bowl-you-can-eat in a taco salad, the kitchen can legally re-serve it to the next patron.

UAG

At Long Last — The Answer To Yesterday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

How did you do?

0 correct: Understandable. It's a hard puzzle.

1-2 correct: Neat! You can hold your head up high!

3-4 correct: Lucky, I guess? 

5-6 correct: STOP STALKING ME

Time Once Again To Play, Which Can, Erickson?

Match the toilet to their location below:

• Time Out - Chapel Hill, NC

• Golden Corral and Flying J - Elkton, MD

• Sport-N-Fun Go Karts - Farmington, MI

• The Smith - NYC

• Red Oak Grille - Basking Ridge, NJ

• Doña  - Oakland,CA

Answers revealed tomorrow!

 

We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs How You Can Reduce The Risk of Stroke

"That's a great question. First of all... guh... ouch... choosing healthy foods and dri... *cough* ...drinks and avoiding t... HACK! Ah, god. Avoiding too much sodium... huff huff huff... and sugar will keep your blood su... OW OW OW OW OW.. low. Try keeping a healthy wei... can't breathe can't breathe... and plenty of exerc... gag... will greatly reduce your... your risk...*coff* of stro..." *HAS STROKE*

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Cut a Mango

1. Slice each side just past the seed, about a ¼ inch from the center.

2. Slice flesh without breaking the skin.

3. Scoop out slices with a large spoon and enjoy!

And speaking of breaking the skin, I once had a fare get stabbed while waiting for me to take him to a Tesla concert in 1989. I offered to take him to the hospital, but he wanted to go to the show. Some people are crazy fans!

Be safe, kids!

Kickstarter Projects That Didn't Get Off The Ground

The following Kickstarter campaigns were the least successful crowdfunding campaigns of the month:

• MEAT SPINDLE -  a toilet paper spindle made out of delicious gyro lamb/beef meat

• Painted Clams - colorful painted clamshells that contain prizes and holiday cheer (not limited to Thanksgiving)

• Toothpaste bukakke - no description necessary

• Small pieces of cardboard cut especially for breakdancing mice

• A book compiling 50,000 love letters sent to Darla from "Our Gang" that were never sent

• A stapler that yells "JEFF EPSTEIN DIDN'T KILL HIMSELF" whenever used

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Triumphant Return of Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster

Back in May, I attended a wedding at NYC and got properly shitrocked.

And whilst drunk, I had the presence of mind to write a few Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster entries. Here they are now, copied from my phone and unedited:

You show up at a ranch decided type place and then you decide that somehow the big gigantic lobster giant lobster thing is going to get you. Then you realize you’ve had the power to defeat it all along. And then you think hey, this is just like one of those things that makes it like lobster fest at red lobster at red lobster time stop.

You’re caught in pretty much a sling type hammock device but you realize that the only way to get out of it, is to order more lobster. And when you order more lobster, you realize that is so delicious, they don’t realize or care, they were in this type of position. That’s one way, to realize that you’re in the lobster fest at red lobster daikon pop

You wearing 24 silver skirt type vans types of shit so then you realize that just because it’s happening you don’t really know what you’re doing, what is this. You got it but then what is going on,? That’s when you realize, that hot legs in a short skirt is nothing match for lobster fest at red lobster.

More Available But Frickin' Awful Porn Names

Congrats on your Sassy Dark Enterprises! Before we start shooting with this here iPhone 13 Max, you'll need to pick a porn name -something you’ll go by at porn conventions and cell phone repair store grand openings. Here's an empty dildo box full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself to any of it, but fair warning– these are pretty stupid:

Him

Alan Rench

Anal Alda

Johnny Cum Rapely

P.P. Inyertwat

Rim Tintin

Her

Allovia Chest

Pudenda Gushalott

Norma Lee Notintothistypeofthing

Tuesday Muffins

Annette Flix Original

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Every so often, Netflix renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Netflix this month:

• Cancel Me! The Dave Chappelle Comedy Special Where All He Talks About Is People Trying to Cancel Him For Material From A Previous Comedy Special

• Documentary about Mockumentaries

• Gary Busey's ASMR Relaxation Program

• Animated show: DILFS- Dolphins I'd Like To Fuck

Here are the shows and movies that Netflix is removing from their lineup this month:

• Baggage Claim Mysteries

• Prank Show: Let's Tell Podcasters That We Enjoy and Follow Their Show

• Scrolling Text of Amazon Gift Card Codes That Actually Work

• Dr. Pimple Popper Cooking Show

Here Are Your Job Numbers For The Week of Sept. 5 - Sept. 9

----- Forwarded Message -----
From: Tim Ortegas <tortegas@67media.com>
To: All <Allstaff@67media.com> 
Sent: Wednesday, September 7, 2022 9:13 AM
Subject: Zoom Etiquette / Job Numbers

Good morning everyone.

Just a quick note that if you're having a zoom call with clients, YOU MUST HAVE YOUR CAMERA ON. The client does not want to have a conversation with a thumbnail of a shocked Pikachu. They've told me as much.

Anyways, here are the job numbers for doing timesheets this week. Please submit by EOD Friday!

#955693 - Blending the contours

#223974 - Hiding the bodies

#808912 - Replacing Terrence Howard as Rhodey

#255305 - Promoting your stupid podcast

#930056 - Arguing with concert security

#503621 - Destroying the timeline

#141102 - Garden walk bullshit

UAG

Some Hollywood Movie Ideas Based on Glitter Tattoo Names

A declining box office has forced Hollywood's major studios to scramble for the next big blockbuster franchise. But since almost every novel, comic book, original script, adapted script and short story idea has already been turned into a movie, the next place to look for ideas is from Glitter Tattoo names from a gumball machine in a Pump It Up trampoline park in Roselle Park, New Jersey.

Here now are all the script ideas already in development with the names attached to the projects:

"Crowned Heart" starring George Clooney, Aldis Hodge and Karen Gillan

Two pediatricians (Clooney and Hodge) help an exceptional child with a chronic illness find his voice and inspire his entire school. Karen Gillan plays the aggrieved mother.

---------------

"Flying Dragon" starring Simu Liu, Ali Wong and Alex Winter

Two karaoke singers (Liu and Winter) are mistaken for Chinese gangsters and need to find the real culprits to clear their name within 24 hours. Also starring Clancy Brown as Police Sergeant Mudworth.

---------------

"Dancing Dolphins" directed by Mira Sorvino. Starring Jake Gyllenhaal, Joe Minoso, Sophia Bush, and Paula Patton

This script is still being developed under tight wraps. but all we know so far is that it's being filmed in Florida and Weta Workshop is developing the special fx. Lizzo, P!nk and Sam Smith are recording the soundtrack.

 

Some Unanswered Plot Questions from Netflix's "Charlie's Colorforms City", Season 2

Of all the colorful neighborhoods in Colorforms City, why do visitors go to the Red Light District first?

Is the informant that ratted out Charlie's meth operation still alive?

How did Milo smuggle gun parts into the prison?

Will Mayor Sunbeam's history of human trafficking affect his chances at reelection?

Is that your dog?

Has the Colorforms gang war with Shrinky Dink City gotten worse? 

Meanwhile, At the Gaslight Brewery & Restaurant...

"And here you go, folks– pardon my reach–  two triple chocolate brownies with French vanilla ice cream!"

"Yum!"

"Yes, this looks great, but he ordered this but I ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake."

"I wish you wouldn't do that, miss."

"Do what?"

"You're purposefully lying to confuse me."

"I beg your pardon?"

"Miss, you ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream right after your friend here ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. I distinctly remember it because I wrote it down here on my pad!"

"But I didn't..."

"Honey, if the waitress wrote it down on her pad, then you must have said it. Mmm, this is delicious!"

"Yes. YOU ordered the triple chocolate brownie with French vanilla ice cream. You never ordered the pineapple upside-down cheesecake because I never wrote down 'pineapple upside-down cheesecake' on my pad."

"But... but... maybe you wrote it down wrong?"

"Here's your check. After you pay and give me a sizable tip, I want you folks to promptly leave. Good evening."