Wednesday, December 28, 2016

6 Lies Told By The Dutch Wonderland Brochure

1) "Duke's Lagoon: Water Play Area" - Maybe I'm ruined by the Internet, but that sounds like both shit and piss.

2) Dinosaurs Come to Life on Exploration Island" - The dinosaur necromancer doesn't bring the dinosaurs to full life, per se. He actually temporarily animates the long dead corpses of the dinosaurs for children's amusement but mercifully allows them to rest once the kids leave.

3) This illustration is exaggerated. There are actually only two gondolas in the sky ride.

4) Take your picture with all your favorite non-Disney characters like Prince Pleasant, Princess Belle Cinderhontas, or The Big Wizzer.

5) Duke has a fake ID and will buy your teenage and tween kids beers. Just be cool about it.

6) There's nothing children at a theme park love more than sitting still in a cabana.


Hardee's and Carl's Jr. are proud to announce 6 Fries Bold, a limited menu item that combines spicy seasoned french fries with unrelenting falsehoods that come in half dozens. The fries will come in both Large and Extra Large cone sizes, and will sell for $3.99/$4.99, respectively.

Tuesday, December 27, 2016

Some Paintball Place Has Used Every Hollywood Movie Title Name

Skirmish is some paintball joint up in the Pocono Mountains, and by the looks of it, it is SO MASSIVE that you can get lost and live among the woods and lean-tos for decades until someone finds you. Luckily they supply a handy map to show you where you are. 

Click to enlarge:

What I noticed about the combat area names is that they all seem like movie titles, from Diablo to Cobra to Abyss and Cyclone. In fact, I went so far as to look up every area's name in IMDb, and a vast majority of them were names of existing movies.

So I put a checkmark and a movie poster by every area that was already a movie title.

Click to enlarge:

The only unused names for movie titles were:

• Fort Skirmish
• Tipmann City
• Z Swamp
• Rhodoscape
• Empire Castle
• Air Field
• Farside
• Missile Silo

So if you're an aspiring filmmaker with no ideas, go ahead and build a script around any of these titles.

Monday, December 26, 2016

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness: Purp & Big Butt Edition

Who needs height to win the NBA Finals when you have grape Kool-Aid and $60?

DJ Power is apparently on every social media platform. Too bad he considers the Beebs "hip hop."

So confused.

This is so stupid that it's semi-perfect. Keep as is.

Raheem Dixon. Interplanetary real estate agent.

Imagine being so dope that you can balance a clip art drawing of a train on your dick.

That's not a peace sign. He's spreading that poor miniature woman's ass cheeks apart.

I'm no Sith, but I'm pretty sure you don't hold a lightsaber like a baseball bat, with the blade so close to your head.

I'm not sure who superimposed clipart art wings on either side of these girls' asses, but it was a poetic touch.

The poor tattoo artist who had to spend 15+ hours inking dumb smudges on that girl's enormous butt.

It's smart to put that many production company logos at the bottom, because then Disney won't know who to start suing.


The streetwise light blue M&M as voiced by Paul Wall.

Pretty impressive to write your last name just by blowing your nose.

P is for Purp. That's good enough for... ah fuck.

Your P.O.I.S. will be downgraded to P.O.S. when your state votes that medical marijuana, when properly distributed at licensed dispensaries, is no longer an illegal substance.

The outskirts of town is a terrible place to push your broken nose back into place.

Thursday, December 22, 2016

Here Are Your Timesheets For December 22

Hi guyyyyyyz!

Cameron the intern heeeere. ✋ I was asked to send a reminder re: TIME SHEETS πŸ’° since Judy πŸŽ€ and Hachiro ☯ weren't in the office today!!!!!! So pleez bare with me while I plant a πŸ”₯ under your BUTTS to FILL in YOUR time SHEETS ToDaY, PeOpLe! 🚺 🚹 πŸ˜πŸ˜‚πŸ˜ŠπŸ˜‰

-------------------- :)

Here are the job numbersπŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍✍πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°πŸ’°:

23759: Giving a shit

32888: Taking a shit

99314: Cheating results for your "Shark Tank" presentation

80650: Diddling your core

17477: Spacing out on that actor's name

33720: Preparing the stagecoach for the long winter's trip

74284: Cupping Martin Shkreli's balls

08821: Really leaning into the punch when hitting your Dad

765772: Mocking the disabled (Donald Trump only)

10039: Debating the Ninth Doctor Who vs. the Fourth

35772: Remembering that actor's name! Daniel Stern!

63636: Printing your resume on the nice paper at work, leaving it in the printer like a dumbass

Monday, December 19, 2016

Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Prepare Bok Choy For Stir Fry

1) Start by trimming the bok choy stem off – don't trim too much – just the end.

2) Cut the thick stem off to ensure that the bok choy cooks evenly.

3) Separate out the bok choy leaves and rinse under running water.

4) Place wok or frying pan on your stove and pour in the cooking oil.

5) Add garlic and ginger. Turn the heat to medium-high. Let the ginger and garlic gently sizzle in the oil. When the aromatics become fragrant and light golden brown, add the bok choy leaves. Toss to coat each leaf with the garlicky, gingery oil.

And speaking of oil, whenever one of those high school kids falls asleep in my limo on prom night, you wouldn't believe the amount of grease their face leaves on my leather interior! Amazing, really.

Stay safe, kids.

Friday, December 16, 2016

Six Lies Told By The Sky Zone Trampoline Park Brochure

1) You just got put on a federal watch list for looking at this photo.

2) It's not really "foam" so much as it is "Joy dishwashing soap blown from a leaf blower."

3) That girl isn't sorry that she just chucked a Jart into that boy's back.

4) The Sky Zone Trampoline Service also doubles as a package sorting facility for UPS.

5) If you read the online waiver closely, you'll see it's just the lyrics to Boston's "Amanda."

6) The lockers are available but are stuffed with the nerds that were eliminated in trampoline-dodge ball.


"Six Lies Revisited" is a live action dramatic reading of all the previous entries of "Six Lies Told," performed by veteran actors Angela Lansbury and Leslie Jordan at the Arcola Theatre in London's West End. The show will run from January 12 to March 31. Tickets are $3.50 each and come with a drink coupon.