Wednesday, February 29, 2012

The Director of "10 Vagina Victories HD" Speaks Out

Hello all

After a successful premiere at the Doffson Film Festival in Doffson, Massachusetts and a respectable turn out at a screening on the Baylor University campus, I am proud to announce that my film "10 Vagina Victories HD" has finally found a distributor!

Those of you who have stayed at a hotel lately might have noticed that my film, part-documentary and part-restaging of 10 women's struggles with society and the individual, spirit-lifting victories that they achieved via their vaginas, has become an offering on Spectravision. Unfortunately, the good people of Spectravision didn't watch my excellent documentary and instead placed it in the "Adult Movie" section of the menu, based on the title alone.

So in order to watch Jakartan activist Yimini Salva pierce her proud labia in defiance of the male-dominated parliament of Jakarta, you're going to have to scroll past "Kinky Bangkok Wives" and "100% WhiteBootyClap."

Or the cinéma vérité re-creation of migrant farmer Doris Halford smuggling medicine to wounded Revolutionary War troops in her pubic hair shares the same marquee as "Gangbang My Mom!" (in standard def, no less!)

Let me assure my viewing public, I'm not bitter that all my hard work interviewing, filming, and researching has been relegated to the dickstroke section of one's hotel TV alongside "Threeway Meat Munch" and "Motorboatin Ur Mom." I'm just glad that my humble film gets to see the light of day.

Thank you.

("Threeway Meat Munch" was pretty good, by the way.)

Saturday, February 25, 2012

Andrew Dice Clay Is Still Doing It

The following are transcribed from a January performance at the Funny Bone Comedy Club in Omaha City, Nebraska:

"Yankee Doodle came to town
riding on a pony,
stuck a feather in some chick's pussy
and she got toxic shock syndrome! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"This little piggy went to market,
this little piggy stayed home,
this little piggy had roast beef,
and this little piggy ate some broad out in a Port-a-John and got Hepatitis C! Boom! UnbeLIEVABLE!"

"Hey Diddle Diddle...
Chris Hansen from Dateline NBC would like to you to sit right over there! Let me tell ya, ShabbadabbaDOOM!"

"Little Bo Peep, lost her sheep,
and didn't know where to find them.
Hey, bitch, who told you to leave the kitchen in the first place? Go make me a sandwich, because you're a woman, and you're supposed to do those things! Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

"There was an old woman who lived in a shoe,
she had so many children, she didn't know what to do.
I know what you can do, lady. You should keep your legs crossed from now on, because you obviously are promiscuous and should be ostracized for being sexually active, because we men have a double standard when it comes to sexual behavior like that! Am I right, fellas? Boom! Helllll yeah!"

"Twinkle Twinkle Little Star,
why am I obscure now, but other shitty comedians like Dane Cook and Larry The Cable Guy are literally filling up stadiums? Ooooohhhhhhhhh!"

Unexpected Effect

Friday's EADJ entry looked a little weird when I happened to read it on my iPhone today:

It turns out my phone thought you could dial all that useless faux binary code.

Who knew!

Friday, February 24, 2012

Lobsterfest® Doesn't Need Your Fucking Pity

At last, ages of planning have finally culminated in the 68th month of Red Lobster's Lobsterfest®, a harmless experiment that eventually grew into a depressing ordeal of pain, heartache, and delicious lobster morsels in butter-like liquid. Here now, we bring you seven, nay, fourteen new ways to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster:

• You order lobster, we serve it to you. That there's one way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• We hire Dantan Vederant, the most celebrated chef in the Northeast, who prepares and boils the most succulent lobsters over a 24 hour period. He lovingly places each lobster on a bed of Dominican Juma rice with the finest spices and savory butter and serves them exclusively to people in the restaurant named Gregory. Oh, your name isn't Gregory? Tsk tsk. Now that there is a frustrating way to almost enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster!

• 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 1011101 1001001 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011010 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1011011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011110 0111110 011000 1010011 0011000 0110010 011000 1011111 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011100 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0100010 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010111 0011010 0110110 011100 1011111 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011010 0110110 011000 1010011 0011110 0110110 011100 1010001 0010110 0110110. So that has to be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster, when you really think about it...

• Grasteun, son of Gallilard, famed horseman of the ancient and legendary Knights of Terranon, shall climb the dreaded peaks of Mt. Kavalichon in the Vulkar Mountain range and use his mighty sword Evunion to split asunder the Stone of Cymtarrigas. From there he will place the precious stone into the Terranonian Crown of Vanquishers and wipe down a table for you so that you can sit down and order some lousy crab fritters. Lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster? Fuck you.

• Do you enjoy pussy? Well, we don't offer pussy; we offer LOBSTER. You can get pussy elsewhere, but for now you can eat plenty of quality lobster for a decent price at Red Lobster. Sure, there are some prostitutes and loose women hanging out at the Red Lobster bar, willing to give you a cut of skank for a ten spot, but you can also get a nice, hearty meal with fresh lobster meat for only $12.99 which includes hush puppies, cole slaw, soup, and a small salad. Now that's a way to enjoy some serious pussy... I mean, lobster, at Lobsterfest® at Red Pussy.

• We buy out a local carpet dealership of all the carpets that they have in stock. We then roll hundreds of pounds of fresh lobster into every carpet, then sell it at an incredible 30% markdown. People who buy a carpet will take it home, unroll it on their living room floors, and discover an incredible bounty of sweet, moist lobster meat all over their hard wood floors. All the other local carpet dealers will be angry at us for a very long time! Somehow, you can tell that this would be another way to enjoy lobster at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

• We dry lobster meat on racks to make lobster jerky, which we bend and compress into tight staple shapes. The lobster staples actually fit into any standard industrial staple gun. You can load your staple gun and then shoot lobster staples onto your tongue, which compels you to seek legal action against us. Like, why would we make lobster staples so that you could injur yourself? I know, right?

• Lobster rolls are a cheap, vulgar reduction of the art of lobster cuisine into a common open-faced sandwich. Loaded with mayonnaise and the lowest quality grade of lobster, these lobster rolls are an insult to the sophisticated palate and an outright affront to the ah fuck it lobster rolls only $4.99 for a limited time at Lobsterfest® at Red Lobster.

Thursday, February 23, 2012

A Quick Note From Barbie To Her Contractor

Hey Hank-

Thanks for completing that job for me with such a quick turnaround. You realize it's really hard for me to find good help living alone and holding down 327 jobs. But I do have a couple of comments regarding the new stairs you built from the living room to the second floor.

1) They're pink, which I told you you didn't have to make them this one time.

2) They're so fucking narrow that I can barely use them.

Yes, I realize I am thin, and my feet are always unnaturally on their tiptoes, but you have to admit this is a shoddy job. I can break my neck at any time on these things! You might as well have installed a ladder.

I believe the legal guideline for stairs is 7" high and 11" deep. These stairs seem to be measuring .5" x .475".

Please, Hank, fix these again. I've got a tea party in about twenty minutes. Please excuse the mess in my house- I don't remember parking my Malibu Camaro in the den. Thanks.

Wednesday, February 22, 2012

Coming Soon: The Soft Nougat Of Montelimar

Towering over the crumbled wasteland of processed snacks and inorganic foodstuffs stands the noble, the mighty, the golden Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

[Play this music while reading on]

O Grandiloquent,
O Vaunted,
O Most High Soft Nougat

Upon The Bounteous Peaks of Montelimar
Ye Standeth as a Clarion Beacon
Bearing witness to the mortal struggles of the lowly chemical snacks
The foul, superficial brittleness of the crisp
The vulgar impurity of the milk chocolate
The base, waxy peanuttiness of the peanut butter wafer
All lie as mere dirt between the toes of servants to the Most Pure Soft Nougat Of Montelimar.

With Honey of Lavendar
And Misspelled Glucose Syrop
Thy bounty showers forth in a Vanilla Aroma most Natural

Sending forth the sensations of taste in a combination unseen heretofore!
Laying to waste and dust generations of inferior apéritifs!


Bow before the Nougat, unworthy Pringle!
Bow before the Nougat, undeserving Chiclet!
Bow before your Master, Bite-Sized Pretzel!
Bow before your King, all ye inferior snacks, both salty and sweet!


Available at Whole Foods and some GNCs. May contain eggs.

Monday, February 20, 2012

Let's Wash The EADJ Mail Sack In Hot Water And Bake The Stains In Worse Than They Are Already!

Submitted by Patrick Ng, an open invitation to participate in the filming of "Beckinfield" with Star Trek: The Next Generation's Jonathan Frakes.

What is "Beckinfield," you ask? According to their website, "Anyone can join the ongoing story, build an audience, impress a Hollywood casting director, be featured in the highlight reel, and even make headlines in the Beckinfield newspaper."

So, that means Jonathan Frakes is essentially padding his resumé with online community theatre.

Friday, February 17, 2012

A Couple Of Questions Regarding A Web Banner I Saw

(Pickle was added for censoring reasons)

1) If your dick became 10" long, why wouldn't you give a shit about anything?

2) Does penis size have anything to do with apathy?

3) Who is this lucky lady who gets fucked all day, every day? Doesn't she have a job?

4) Why do I care?

5) Does that mean I have a small dick because I care?

6) Whatever, man

7) "Report File 7491???!!!???!!!??"

Thursday, February 16, 2012

That's My Pathmark! or Not Taking Stock

I'm sorry if any of these are repeats from previous entries. My filing system is about as bad as Pathmark's.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

An Open Invitation To Hooters To Just Come Off It Already

Hey Hooters

You're not fooling anybody, you know. This whole "we have a wholesome girls-next-door" image is a huge vatful of horseshit. You should just admit that you're selling fried food served with tits.

"Oh, we're just a chicken wing restaurant named after owls, and you're the one with the dirty mind." Right. That's why nighttime strippers work your afternoon shifts. That's why your commercials feature girls jumping up and down. That's why you had one of your waitresses appear on a news program to show this skill (I am so embarrassed for that female host):

Who are you trying to fool exactly? The mothers of teenage boys who are begging them to take them there? Your local city council who would otherwise outlaw strip clubs from the strip mall? The girls themselves? Because I'm pretty sure they're willingly wearing tank tops and panty hose with Keds and not thinking that's some random arbitrary dress code.

It's time you stopped pretending to be a mainstream brand and embrace the fact that you're peddling low-rent semi-porn. Pretty much the exact opposite of what has been doing.