Wednesday, May 31, 2017

A Few More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

If you're hard up for money and you live in the San Fernando Valley area, chances are you're gonna get into porn. So besides an 8x10 of your crotch, you'll need a catchy (however dumb) pornstar name. Here are a few terrible, unclaimed ones you can use:

Freudian Slick
Haim Batman
Lou Hanging Fruit
Francis Scrote Key
Deepcok Choke-ya
Ernest Cummingway

Bridgit Spinner
Loose-ille Balls
Kass To Mouth
Taint Bernadette
Pyra Minx
Helvetica Bold

Tuesday, May 30, 2017

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

I feel ya, Young Chop. At the pool, everybody asks you to do a cannonball.

Def Leppard font, check. Miniature booty girls, check. Throne from old 1980 Buck Rogers episode "Ardala Returns," check.

Nothing flat here, amirite?

I'm so confused by this that it makes me want to lie down and think about why I've been blogging for over a decade. Okay, pass. PASS.

Two bucks says there's gunshot sound effects between and during every track on this.

Put a cowboy hat and some Daisy Dukes on her, and you've got a honky tonk chart topper there.

I appreciate the Snoop Dogg "Doggystyle" homage more than the obvious Trump-bashing, actually.

Not sure why rappers are still referencing a cartoon that was started IN 1989, but they continue to do so. Maybe it's because Bart's so easy to draw?

Ah, finally, a borrowed reference from a Fox cartoon started more recently, like 1997.

Actual exchange with an Amazon Echo:

"Alexa, play Icytwat."
"That's so nice. Just tell me what you'd like me to do, and I'll try to help."

T-Wayne? Twayne? Tayne?

Monday, May 29, 2017

Your Guide To Living Excellently By Steve Bannon

Hi guys.

Steve Bannon here. I'm sure a lot of you are wondrering why I would make time in my already busy schedule to write a column on an unknown blog about how to live excelently. Well, it's because I care about you people, and I wanted to share the secrets I've dicovered that can get you to where I am now. So let's begin and HAVE SOME FUN!

The first thing we need to address in this wonderful 3-part series is CAPITLASISM. From the lemonade stand on your corner to the multicongolmeate international corporations you see today, we need to feed the wheels of industry to make society pay for its liberal sins of civil rights SUCCEED!

And how do we do this? Simple! In addition to continuing the honored traditions of nationalism, sexual modesty, patriarchy, and religion, we have to GO OUT TO EAT!  That ensures that all the rules of society don't break down into orgies, civil disobedience and miscegenation. Also, TIP YOUR WAITRESSES! They work hard, and you gotta give it up to them for doing they're job so well!

Am I making sense? I hope so. I'm writting this on a Blackberry in a limo bound for GOLDEN CORRAL!!!!! That's right. I PATRICE WHAT I PREACH and I am feeding the weels of industry by spending my hard earned white money into an honest white Christian business. PROGRESS!

Okay enough fun for my first entry. I spilled some pork n beans on my suit pants here. Also I think I'm either getting a goiter or there's a squirrel under my chin. SEE YOU SOON!

Love and white power,


Friday, May 26, 2017

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of May 26

We know now that the only people who still tweet are PG&E brands, out-of-touch influencers who aren't influencing shit anymore, and the worst president in the history of the United States. So in case you're still on Twitter and you are any of these people, feel free to use any of these awful hashtags in your own failing feed:


Thursday, May 25, 2017

Emily RANTS, or... Wait, What Was This Segment Called Again? Oh, Yeah. EMILY VENTS 4

Editor's Note: Emily has plenty of opportunity to be outraged about anything else going on in the world but has opted to continue picking apart Potbelly's Instagram feed, as is her absolute right. 

Jingle jingle, here comes the shittiest snowman you’ve ever seen, so no, I’ll pass.  The face is pants-on-head retarded including that wet piece of industrial brown paper towel featured as “backwoods learning disability hair.” #justfuckmyshitup 

“What if we were to style the soup so that it would simulate drinking pubes?”  “I got this, fam.” At least when you eventually put your wet earmuffs back on you won’t be able to hear any more terrible copy. 

This one continues to make me particularly angry.  Hey, here’s some wadded up paper bags with a cookie haphazardly glued on (not for human consumption).  Oh and hey – I included some coffee grounds in a filter because with this thoughtful gift, I’m clearly staying for breakfast.  You don’t even need to know what I look like.  #anon

Happy Valentines Day, from your favorite scissoring sandwiches. 

Oh cool, guys.  A 45-billion old dino patty.  Dry cracks and all.  Do you have a pamphlet in case I need more tiny pieces of skin hanging from the roof of my mouth?  Snicker-Don’t. 

5 second rule.

Met your true love with the Trash ‘n Coffee Grounds Bouquet?  Now join your life with your one and only with our Sweaty Outdoor Wedding Meat Bouquets.  Adult Nuptials Diaper not included. 

Shameless equity stealing from a polar opposite day of social cause.  #missingthepointentirely (thanks, Estoye)

And here is some Bonus Content for both of you E.V. readers: A profile of Potbelly's Social Media Director, Sharon Tubbs! (authored by Emily Kane)

Sharon Tubbs
VP, Social Media Content Specialist, Potbelly Corporation

Sharon joined the Potbelly team in 2014, brought on by the need to define a voice and visual style for Potbelly in the social media space that reflects core Potbelly values and is flexible enough to be continually topical to the Facebook community year round.  Her Potbelly content pillars New-New, Education, Food Personification, Current Events and Distinctive Styling have inspired messaging streams that have significantly increased engagement, affinity and acquisition measures since implemented.  Her “Bag Bouquet” post in February 2017 gained particular traction among the online audience, and she’s particularly well known for her social post verbiage puns which she implements with discretion as part of her Surprise & Delight messaging strategy.

Sharon came to Potbelly after 9 years with Dress Barn (Ascena Retail Group, Inc.), where she successfully launched the brand’s first website in 2006.  Prior to that, Sharon held the position as Innovation Design Director for Broderbund’s ClickArt division, expanding their portfolio of boxed DVD offerings via Holiday and Christian collections. Both launches increased HH penetration by way of broadened consumer relevancy.

On a more personal note, Sharon has a long-term seat on the board of directors for the Save the Manatee Club and has a running side project on etsy that offers more conservative bachelorette party products for sale.  Sharon works from home in Orlando, FL with her budgie “Chirps” and her two ferrets, “Randy” and “Simon.”  

Tuesday, May 23, 2017

A Burning Question With An Answer

Ever wonder why so many choking posters feature Asian people? Bubble tea.

Friday, May 19, 2017

The EADJ Fashion RoundUp: Ladies Only Edition

Craving attention? Then step out in this overly stripe-y ensemble like a UPC symbol begging to be scanned!

Redheads always look great in green, unless it's a puffy patchwork coat that looks like the hot air balloon from "The Adventures of Baron Munchausen."

Sorry, ladies only this entry. Move along, Doug. Move along.

I wanted to snap this horrific green and blue outfit worn by an older woman at a Broadway show, but the usher quickly stopped me. Goddammit.

Nothing says "REDRUM" like a loose fitting top with the sinister rug pattern from "The Shining's" Overlook Hotel.

Don't give a shit? Then proudly wear these diamond pattern leggings with a clashing bag and Han Solo boots. It says "LIKE I GIVE A FUCK" from all the way across the strip mall parking lot!