Friday, August 31, 2007

Two Quotes

"Last night I had a dream that John Reid was gonna move to a new house, but he didn't want to leave his because the bar next door served him for free."

- Bill Dow

"It's awful. I dropped my ice pack. I got my wisdom teeth out... and that was more painful to see."

- Jessica, upon seeing the Goatse entry for the first time.

Joel's Dicklance Story Leak FOUND!

"Admittedly, I was the one who broke this rumor to the tabloids. Coinciding with my departure is an overall creative department need to up their dick-eating quotient as a team. I’m not saying whether Joel’s name was the first one tossed (salad), but you can probably draw your own conclusions. Will Joel return? Only Ayana knows for sure. And the man in the Michigan Avenue penthouse. And Grape Ape."

-Andrew Gall

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Eating Dick Like It's Going Out of Joel

Is Joel coming back to Chicago?

That's what gossip blogs What Would Tyler Durden Do, I Don't Like You In That Way, The Superficial, A Socialite's Life, Perez Hilton, and What The Fuck Is Jessica Putting In Her Ass Crack are saying lately, now that the workload for the Creative Department at CK has increased.

Sources close to Ayana say that Joel might be doing a freelance gig, one that he hasn't done on site in over a year. These speculations, however, have been unconfirmed as of this posting; Joel's schedule hasn't even been consulted yet– and word has it that he's got an appointment to inspect the Dick-Eating Brigade in British Columbia later this week.

Stay tuned to EADJ for the latest in Joel news, dick-eating or otherwise.

(pictured above, a toy Joel bought at a rest stop gift shop that resulted in a $4,000,000 lawsuit)

Apologies Are In Order, Part 2

Eat A Dick Joel would like to apologize to Mel Kreilein, who had never seen Goatse until yesterday's post. We are sorry to be the first to have exposed you to that, Mel. Your eyes will never be the same, dude.

(pictured above, the exciting new cross-eyed dolls from the Fox program "Prison Break.")

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

Best Reaction Ever.

J'Net's reaction upon seeing Goatse for the first time:

"He's married."

And Now, EADJ Entry #300, Written By Joel Himself.

EADJ was remiss in letting post #200 go by without granting the eponymous Joel the honor of writing it. So here he is, writing #300 (#400 will be an original song penned by our very own Pewter Bear):

David has been bugging me to write a post for the blog that has my family questioning my sexual orientation. But every time I start, as a favor, I realize that David's obviously a terrible friend, and awful person. I bet you he's killed a neighbor's pet with paper cuts because the cable was out.

But, alas, he's funny. Michael Vick: Not funny. No get out of jail free card for Vick.

Okay, David, here's your post. Just in time for the 300th entry. Let's set the record straight.

No, I'm not gay.

Why, yes, I do love Buffy. Joss Whedon is my master now.

I already answered that. Not gay--No, Buffy isn't gay! Shut up!

If I were gay, no, I wouldn't be into you, John.

Yes, I suppose it's possible that David just pretends to be my friend. It would explain A LOT.

My favorite wine is Reisling... What?

I think the balls are separate from the dick, and would therefore not be in a dick dinner, ruining your "dick, hold the balls" joke. Sorry, John, comedy has rules. It's not Nam.

Yes, that was a Big Lebowski reference!

The Sundays... What?

I'm ignoring your questions now, John, because I can tell that it's you.

Yes it is so you, John. Worst accent ever.

Yes, Santino totally should have won Project Runway season 2!... What?

This whole blog got started when I joked David was fantasizing about mutual friend, Bill Dow: I made a blog with a title that suggested Bill was in David's dreams. I can't even remember what I called it. Can't find it now. But it's out there! I never was able to get it to work right. Photos wouldn't post. So I gave up. David's blog was much more successful, obviously. His VHS crushed my beta. And in the same way--with porn.

Yes, I do write screenplays, trying to break in to Hollywood. You may request them! Enjoy.

Yes, I realize now that my email has a monkey "doing" me. My company's name is monkeydo. Poor choices when I set it up. Very Funke.

No, I did not write "Loins, Groins and Audible Squeals". But man, I wish I did. That scene where they have the sex was riveting. I totally didn't see it coming, though the scene was shown on the DVD cover with stars over the penetration.

Yes, we must now end on a bukkake joke. Michael Vick is going to prison! Take my dick-eating crown, Michael Vick, like you have a choice! Fly, Michael Vick. Don't think of semen as gross. It's just a con's way of saying that you're subhuman, and that your life is in their hands. And trying to breed you? That's a compliment that says, "winner".

Congrats, David. 300 posts. We did it together. You, me, and all the rainbows of your imagination.

Eat a dick, David.

(pictured above, I didn't have a photo of Joel Thomas handy, so I Google Imaged it, and that's what I found)

Tuesday, August 28, 2007

Apologies Are In Order

*** An official apology to Joel, from the Chamber of Commerce of Jefferson City, Missouri***

On behalf of the Chamber of Commerce and the good citizens of Jefferson City, Missouri, I would like to extend an official apology to Joel Thomas for the inconvenience and embarrassment that we had caused him last week.

1. We had no idea that naming our shrewmole "Joel" would be offensive to you.

2. We didn't realize that the accommodations for your stay in Jefferson City were unsatisfactory; we thought the canvas cot and bowl-to-piss-in at the Colony Inn were sufficient for your needs.

3. Our presenter Randy Galley, is a local favorite and a "hoot." We apologize if any remarks he made during his introduction of you caused offense. For example, when he said that Japanese samurais were "chinks in armor," we hope you didn't have any Japanese or chink heritage. "Cause that would be awkward.

4. We thought sending you to Angelina's Café on Boonville Road would be a good way to soak up the local color. We didn't realize you were on a strict dietary regimen of "dick, ranch sauce, dick, and Goobers." We are sorry that Angelina's Cafe only had Goobers for you.

Please accept this notarized document and a coupon good for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut (none in Jefferson City, sorry sorry sorry) as our official apology. We hope you could maybe find time in your busy schedule next year to have another dick-eating exhibition at the Jefferson City Town Fair.

Irma Thadeus
President & Vice President of Chamber of Commerce
Jefferson City, Missouri

(pictured above, Mister Lazybones doesn't take the extra effort this morning to look for his yellow sneakers with the black grid pattern. I mean, why even bother sometimes?)

Friday, August 24, 2007

Read My Dick, Joel New Taxes


Hurricane Dean started picking up more steam today, following several encounters which indicated a possible slowing down.

The towns of Decks, RH and Rozer, EM are still expected to be under watch from Hurricane Dean. The town of TVGui, DE, which has been hit several times in the past months, is also preparing for repeated assault.

Hurricane Dean's path has historically been wandering, going one way then seeming to second-guess itself and change its mind.

"Yeah, it's pretty baffling," said meteorologist Ryan Boblett of the National Weather Association, "You think Hurricane Dean wants to go one way, then when you prepare all day for it, Hurricane Dean comes at you at a completely different angle. Very frustrating."

More on Hurricane Dean's developments as it develops and blooms.

Thursday, August 23, 2007

Ready or Not, Here I Dick

In an attempt to attract more Joel-like diners, Perkins Family Restaurants around the country are now offering dick in many of their entreés.

Their open-faced turkey sandwich has replaced their traditional cranberry sauce with diced dick, and the fisherman's hoagie, which once had lettuce and tartar sauce, now has dick. On their breakfast menu, they have completely dropped smoked kielbasa sausage from the offerings to make room for plenty of dick.

The decor of the restaurants have changed, also. The once country-like and homey interiors are now very Joel-friendly, with blank sheets of screenplay paper on the walls and countless photos of Asian women.

Quite a gamble for a traditional family restaurant, but what the fuck, right.

(pictured above, La Bamba on Halsted promises "Burritos As Big As Your Head In Rear.")

**URGENT UPDATE** Balls has just reported to EADJ that at Burrito Beach today, she spotted "A Tanner, More Sinister Version Of Brad Harvey."

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

TUUUUUU! in Chile!

Vince represents in Chile, where him being brown isn't considered as special.

Eat a Dickfer, Joelfer

You know those Swiffer commercials where women are having a heart-to-heart with someone offscreen, and it's later revealed that they're actually talking to a goddamned MOP?! BWAHAHAHA!! Joel wrote those!

My favorite in the series is the one where a female executive is about to fire someone, telling them their work has "gotten sloppy" and whatnot, and it turns out to be a MOP instead of an employee!!!!! Fuckin' classic, man! How does Joel do it?

But I saw on YouTube recently a Swiffer ad that I hadn't seen. It was one where this woman is talking to what you're supposed to think is her son. "Why are you eating so much dick? You're disappointing me with how much dick you're chugging on a daily basis. I can't even park in the driveway anymore!" And the camera pans over, and it's JOEL sitting there!!! Must be a director's cut or something.

(pictured above, Dean loses a bet with Brian Bennett over the proper usage of "affect" vs "effect.")

Dick Time is Always The Right Time

After a job interview yesterday, Joel walked around downtown L.A.

Most every dick grocery around was still closed, as it was only 8:30 in the morning. Joel did manage to come across a hot dog vendor in front of a convenience store.

Always quick-witted when hungry for dick, Joel ran into the convenience store, bought a 13-inch veal sausage and meatballs, and took it to the hot dog vendor to slather it in mayonnaise. Instant dick!

Joel will be releasing a "how to" book of dick cooking emergencies later next spring.

(pictured above, Jessica travels to France to release a pop album under a nom de plume. Singing in French, however, doesn't deter her from talking about poop as usual.)

Monday, August 20, 2007

More entries from Brad Harvey's notebook!

The following are entries in Brad Harvey's notebook/journal. EADJ got their hands on it when Brad got up to take a dump in The Caribou Coffee on Michigan Ave. Employees reported later that he forgot to flush.

• New idea for reality show: film a bunch of people living together and generally just bitching about stupid shit. Tentative title: Remnants of the Coccyx

• Finish that ear of corn behind the futon

• What was the name of that guy who played B.A. Baracus in "The A Team?" Gotta go to the library and look it up...

• I should totally buy the domain http://http://.com! I could make like a hundred dollars!!

• Start using inverted parentheses, just to be different!

• Remember Wesley Snipes' words of advice about who to bet on next time I'm at the roulette table at The Grand Victoria Riverboat Casino on the scenic Fox River, just east of Route 31 in Elgin.

• Confront Ryan about those farting parties he keeps throwing in my cube. No, wait. That's ME! )Confront Ryan anyway(

• Return that pretty girl's neck brace. She probably needs it.

• Fried chicken and okra! That's the best!

• Ask doctor why pee is green and gravy-like lately

• Get LAID!!! )stop by ATM first(

Friday, August 17, 2007

A hunka hunka burning dick

Joel's career as a terrible screenwriter was put on temporary hold this week while he explored the world of antique appraisal.

Browsing through various shops on La Brea Avenue, Joel picked some select pieces and gave them the value he thought they deserved. Some shop owners, however, begged to differ with Joel's appraisals. For example, an oak chiffarobe worth $4500 was given Joel's estimate of 8,200 dicks. A $300 nightstand, 750 dicks. And an old bowl with a basin, "lots and lots o' dick, especially if it's Mexican."

Eventually, Joel's sorry ass was hauled out of a furniture shop and he was given a whimsical tin sign saying "STAY OUT! I'M CRANKY!" Even if furniture store owners don't like you, they're always hospitable.

(pictured above, a truly appropriate product tie-in, although we don't understand why Elvis is singing into a giant match.)

Thursday, August 16, 2007

Let's Exclude the EADJ Mail Sack From All Our Inside Jokes, So That It Stops Hanging Out With Us!

Submitted by Vince, "a slightly plumper, more gay version of pewter bear:"

What do you think of that, Pewter Bear?

Damn right it's mean-spirited, you shitnosed fucksack!

Pewter Bear weighs in.

So, Pewter Bear, do you have any theories of why people have seen so many doubles of other people lately?

Man, it's a good thing my parents are in town, Pewter Bear. Cuz if not, I'd be breaking your despicable little legs right now. How is it you continue to EXIST?! God!!!

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Hecka-Breaking News!

In some sort of cosmic synchronicity, two separate doppelganger spottings have been reported today.

Flicklicker saw "a less brown, less confused looking, more fauxhawked version of Vince in the Michigan Plaza lobby" and reported it to EADJ authorities.

Then Matt Webb chimed in after coming across our original Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson:

"Just had a sfvosp sighting... Jeans, green striped shirt and MANDLES, oh with socks."

Stay tuned for the latest in these developing stories. We now return you to "She Spies" on TNT, already in progress.

(pictured above, the best rendition of the SFVOSP that I could make, given that I had no drawing tools or scanner handy and was in the middle of eating a chicken caesar salad)


Andrew has reported a third doppelganger at Cramer-Krasselt: "we have a shorter, younger, darker-haired, just-as-friendly Phil Flickinger working as an intern. We just went to lunch with him."

Oh No You Di-Int!

It takes a man to admit his mistakes. It takes even more of a man to admit to eating a lot of dick that wasn't his to eat.

Joel went speedwalking earlier this morning on a route that he doesn't normally take, and he found himself down a one-way street leading into a gigantic warehouse. The warehouse took up 8 football fields of space, with ceilings as high as an elephant's eye. But by taking the back entrance, Joel failed to see the huge sign out front reading LOS ANGELES DICK DEPOSITORY, or L.A.D.D.

Convinced he stumbled upon a roomful of treasure, Joel dove into the massive crates of dick with both hands flailing. He ate and ate and ate dick, like a dog in a hamburger factory, except for hamburgers it was dick- you get my metaphor, right? Whatever.

Fast forward twenty minutes, and Joel has eaten almost half of the dick in the warehouse. His belly has now bulged to the point of snapping the elastic on his velour track pants. So when L.A.D.D. organizer Cheryl Bleden-Hart showed up, boy was he in a lick of trouble!

Joel has since apologized and has offered to recoup all the eaten dick through a speaking tour on behalf of Cheryl and L.A.D.D.

(pictured above, the rivets are already starting to break on the U.S.S. CK ManSpa.

Let's Hogtie the EADJ Mail Sack To A Radiator in the Basement!

(submitted by Larry, some sage advice for Scott Peterson)

Tuesday, August 14, 2007

Bonus Suckage

This was at Detroit's convention center (not on the same day). Suddenly I'm not hungry for a wrap and a smoothie.

A Terrible Day For Typography.

The following account is true.

Sunday, August 12, 2007
What started out as a pleasant Sunday turned into a constant onslaught of offensive typefacery. I had been to L.A. and New York in the last month and hadn't seen so much as a curlzy comma. But in one day in Chicago, I done seen my share fo' the rest of my life, child.

Monday, August 13, 2007

Hellooooo Mobius!

This EADJ reporter was lucky to have spotted another Mobius Award outside of the CK reception area. This was at the Henry Ford Museum in Detroit, Michigan!

And not only that, but 2 other random awards were recognized nearby! Like what the hell are these things?!

When she heard the news, Jessica checked the CK reception area in a panic to make sure the Henry Ford Museum hadn't somehow pinched the trophies from Cramer-Krasselt. Yep, they're still there! Whew!

BONUS FUN FACT: The average Mobius award weighs .76 lbs! That's 1/4 the weight of Jessica!

Friday, August 10, 2007

Theories Abound.

After seeing the Shorter AND EVEN FATTER Version of Scott Peterson from the other day, Michelle suggests the possibility of an inverse relationship between "fatter" and "version of Scott Peterson."

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

Unnecessary Rant No. 1

Natalie Merchant's mouth is music's gaping armpit with teeth.

Why would I say such a thing? Because whenever she opens her mouth to sing her soft pop/rock pap about eating for two or talking about the weather, I get a violent urge to strangle whatever baby I'm holding and smash the radio with my foot.

The accompanying music is pretty vanilla-beige khaki bad, but it's Merchant's voice which really sends any song of hers into the stratosphere (dong!) of horrificly unlistenable. The way she pronounces every vowel as if it were an "A:" The word "natural" is turned into "nataral," and "misinformation" is "masanfarmatian." Anfariatang.

I remember being fooled in the early eighties when I saw the cassette tapes with "10,000 MANIACS" in Camelot Music. "Cool!" I thought, "Maniacs are awesome. This music should be kickass!" Only to pop a tape in the boom box and hear the equivalent of musical Pepto Bismol placenta cockhorse oozing out of my speakers.

Natalie Merchant, if you are reading this, I despise your music and I've never liked your bouncy bob haircut. Give Joel a break and eat my dick yourself.

(pictured above, Dean bosses around Melissa Grein for the last fucking time)

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

The SFVOSP: A Philosophical Conundrum

Sometime last week, Balls spotted the Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson. She was not completely surprised by seeing him, since she had spotted the enigmatic Mr. Wood before, but what really struck her this time was how much weight the SFVOSP had seemed to have gained.

So much weight, in fact, that she didn't think it even resembled Scott Peterson anymore.

This begs the question: How short and fat is TOO short or too fat and still resemble Scott Peterson? At what point is a doppelganger taken so far as to break any connection to its double? We asked the descendents of some of history's greatest philosophers what they thought of the conundrum:

"I don't understand the question."
Craig Descartes,
Assistant Manager at Chili's Express

"No one can ever be too fat to resemble someone else. No wait, yes they can, right?"
Katie Aristotle
Work-at-home mother

"This conundrum is probably the fault of Hillary Clinton or Barack Obama."
Brit Hume
Fox News Anchor

"I like turtles."
Andrew Descartes Gall, referencing something only a few people get.

(pictured above, the gloriously expensive new peepee and poopoo rooms at Cramer-Krasselt, which will necessitate another cheapie Christmas party at Hard Rock Hotel this year)

Monday, August 6, 2007

A very special evening with Joel

A recent trip to L.A. afforded this EADJ reporter the chance to finally spend some Q-time with the eponymous Joel. It was a night of delights, fun, wings, and sexual tension.

We had dinner at Big Wangs, naturally. Joel's suggestion, honest. Joel even showed up in his very own EADJ shirt! How frickin self-reffin' is that?! Joel is either adjusting his nuts or giving a thumbs up here.

A pretty hot redhead waitress served us there. We loaded up on a spicy wings/dick combo. Despite his t-shirt and Joel's insistence that he was famous, Kassie was not having it. Thus, no tip.

After a satisfying repast of spicy, extra spicy, mega-hot and even nuclear dick, Joel offers the scraps to his chimp servant Chad Yarborough before telling it to fetch his car. All in all, a wonderful outing with the Kobayashi of dick, Joel Thomas. Plus, I got my dick eaten for the first time!

Friday, August 3, 2007

A side of Tianna you never knew.

Few people know this, but Tianna used to be a State District Judge in Harris County in Houston, TX.

Back in 2005, it was she who reduced mountains of paper documents in the courtroom's docket by converting everything to digital. This decision came after Tianna found that scrolling through thousands of legal documents cut down on her ability to lick her extremely fluffy paws. Since then, the civil courts building has freed up over 40,000 square feet of storage space, allowing all new gardens of baby carrots and green sprouts to be planted there.

Tianna calmed critics by saying that judges won't have to work with digital documents if they aren't comfortable with the technology and that some paper documents will still be needed in most cases. She also snuffled and scratched her wiggly nose with her back paw before slamming the gavel at the bench.

Thursday, August 2, 2007

This is all cock.

Pep Boys kind of screwed Joel.

He brought his beloved Mazda Miata in for a check-up and oil change Tuesday. What he thought was going to be a short transaction turned into a major Hasselhoff.

First, the fact that he talked to a non-English speaking clerk who didn't write anything down was a red flag. Then the fact that the dude let Joel eat his dick for payment was another. Also the fact that the dude had a "If there's grass on the field– play ball" t-shirt rather than a Pep Boys worksuit would be the third. So overall Joel shouldn't have tossed his keys (and salad) to the mysterious latin stranger.

So later on that day Joel came back to pick up his car, and no one had any record of any car being dropped off for repair. No record except a hilarious security tape of Joel tossing the janitor's salad.

(pictured above, Leoncie debuts her new brand of Icelandic lettuce)