Thursday, June 30, 2011

What the Shitfuck

So the other week I had to move some shrubs from one part of my yard into some planters. The planters look great now.

But the mass of torn up yard where they were looks like ass.

That's easily remedied by a quick trip to the Home Depot garden center to pick up some sod. Easy enough. But what is interesting is what I found amongst the old dirt:

#@$% autofocus!

I think this is some sort of pet treat ball. It's rubber on the outside with a little loose doohickey inside.

And what is this, an old horse stirrup? (A few minutes later I realized it was actually the brake for a 10 speed bicycle. Duh.)

Why is this shit buried in the backyard under shrubbery? If I dig deeper, will I find a rusty bike and a ferret skeleton? The previous owner to my house must have been some sort of junkyard voodoo wizard.

Ashton Kutcher's Other Nikon Commercial Hijinks

By now, we've all seen those irritating Nikon commercials with Ashton Kutcher crashing a snooty party with his Nikon Coolpix camera and taking wacky and crazy and outrageous photos that aren't really wacky, crazy, or outrageous.

The theory here is that the ad agency came up with some "Punk'd" inspired tomfoolery for Ashton to do, but the client got frightened by how illegal, sexual or potentially offensive those suggestions were, so they watered his antics down so a 60 year old could appreciate it without writing an angry letter to Nikon.

EADJ just recently talked to Bo Uruguay, a stagehand who was on the original commercial shoots. It turns out they did film a lot of actually crazy stuff but had to edit it out. Here now are some of the scenes that were left out:

• Ashton dickslaps the waiter, causing him to drop the pheasant under glass
• Ashton rearranges the letters of the "reserved" sign to spell "deserver"
• Ashton sits down like an adult and behaves himself for once, for crying out loud
• Ashton dates someone his own age (zing!)
• Ashton slaps the pipe out of some old coot's mouth and inserts it in an attractive woman's waiting anus
• Ashton makes some real gazpacho and hands it out, insulting the chef
• Ashton takes off his red string Kabbalah bracelet for a millisecond
• Ashton does something actually funny
• Ashton finds an old R&B station on the stereo and cranks the TLC 1994 hit "Creep."
• Ashton illegally downloads "The Butterfly Effect" and seeds the Torrent file for other people to watch for free
• Ashton steals two seat cushions, puts them in his blazer as shoulder pads, and tackles the concierge
• Ashton goes online and mercilessly cyberbullies a 12 year old girl
• Ashton acknowledges that yes, that is FISHER STEVENS in the party scene
• Ashton transforms into a truck
• Ashton purposely mispronounces almost every entree on the restaurant menu
• Ashton reveals that his real name is Hamish Gibbons
• Ashton peels off some of his sunburnt back skin and serves it up as hors d'oevres
• Ashton fades away from the public eye

Wednesday, June 29, 2011

An Entomologist Reviews The Bab-E-Safe™ Janglebugs

Eat A Dick Joel has asked famed entomologist and founding member of the New York Entomological Society Lionel Monod, Ph.D. to do a guest review the popular baby's product Janglebugs, manufactured by the Bab-E-Safe Corporation in Akron, Ohio. Here are his observations:

First off, I'd like to state how appalled I am that this blog has asked me to review what are clearly not genuine insect specimens. My extensive training at the University of Michigan and the Rochester Zoological Institute has overqualified me to examine or critique these gimcracks and gewgaws aimed at infants. But since they did pay me with a coupon good for $5 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut, I guess I have to honor my end of the bargain. Sigh.

The "Bee"

The crude black and yellow stripes on this specimen lead me to believe the Bab-E-Safe™ manufacturers were aiming to depict a bee of the Bombus genus, in the family Apidae, more commonly known as the "bumble bee."

John Maynard Smith, a noted biologist with a strong background in aeronautics, once pointed out that bumble bees would not be expected to sustain flight, as they would need to generate too much power given their tiny wing area. The Janglebug "bee" absurdly has gigantic (blue!) wings that forego this entire scientific discussion.

Oh. Also, bees don't generally have a gigantic stupid grin on their faces, as they don't have lips that can make them smile.

The "Ladybug"

This one offends me even more than the others.

Coccinellidae is a family of beetles, more commonly known as "ladybirds" or "ladybugs." And of course, the temptation is to reduce the specimen to a red insect with several black dots on the wing covers, which Bab-E-Safe™ naturally did without hesitation. But not only did they ignore basic beetle anatomy; they showed the ladybug smiling (with lips it doesn't have) with its "face" pointing the wrong way! The wing covers are on the coccinellidae's back, not it's front! That's just oversimplifying and perverting basic nature, there. Patently UNACCEPTABLE.

The "Butterfly"

Okay, fine. I'm not going to go through the order Lepidoptera being the day-flying group consisting of butterflies and moths, because we all know this. Everyone except Bab-E-Safe™, who somehow think cobbling together blue wings and a purple spotted abdomen (where is the motherfucking thorax?!!) while wearing a stupid fucking grin counts as a "butterfly." Christ. In what city is the Bab-E-Safe™ headquarters based? I think I want to firebomb their place.

Look, I am but a simple entomologist. My work is not stressful or demanding. Hell, lots of people examine insects as a hobby. But for this blog to ask me to review this preposterous set of zoological blasphemies is beyond my comprehension or abilities. Here's that pizza coupon back, EADJ. I gotta go make some Molotov cocktails and head out to Akron, Ohio.

Monday, June 27, 2011

The ProofrEADJer, June Edition

And two quotations at the local City Hall that weren't themselves misspelled but were attributed to misspelled people.

Friday, June 24, 2011

Bumper Sticker

Pictured below, time and sun wears away one's love for New York.

Thursday, June 23, 2011

Spotted In The Apple Store

A girl playing a free coloring demo suddenly develops a craving for cigarettes.

Wednesday, June 22, 2011

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Kix Cereal

Hey Kix Cereal, FUCK YOU.

Ever since I was a little kid, Kix Cereal, your box has grabbed my attention with wacky, fun looking lettering and bright colors, promising a fun and sugar-filled Saturday morning. WRONG.

Let me just say that there is NOTHING fun about you as a cereal. Kix is basically Trix with all the coloring and sugar sapped out of it: small, beige round pieces that aren't even big enough to make a satisfying crunch. I'm sure this is the shit they palm off on the Trix Rabbit whenever he comes round Jonesing for the good stuff.

"Kid-Tested, Mother Approved" is the slogan they've been touting for decades. Notice they never said "Kid-Approved" or "Kid-Appreciated." Instead, they "tested" this stuff on kids like they're guinea pigs in some insidious government experiment about the opposite of fun. And for those of you who like your boring with berry taste, try new Berry Berry Kix! It's the same amount of disappointment and ennui-in-a-bowl, but with the faint flavor of berry to further frustrate you!

Kix, go to hell and suck m'balls.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

He's In My Life

Pictured below, my iPhoto "Faces" feature asks me to identify two people in my albums.

I know that guy on the left, at least.

Thursday, June 16, 2011

Cakeside Accident Leaves Two Dead

Midtown (AP) -- Police responded to a call on the top of a birthday cake in midtown this afternoon to find the grisly accident scene of a head-on collision between two plastic cars. Among the wreckage of fondant, plastic shards and icing were the bodies of brother and sister Dora and Diego, two popular children's show cartoon characters.

A preliminary estimate from forensics experts states that both cars were speeding on the slippery icing, and Diego had just crossed the one-lane bridge over the icing river with nowhere else to turn. The report also suggests that before hitting the other car, Dora swerved to avoid hitting a paper tree. It has not yet been determined if alcohol or fruit punch was a factor.

The body of Diego was thrown from his vehicle at such a velocity that it ended up on a nearby Hey Gabba Gabba cake. Dora's body was found near a cake corner and was quickly claimed by the birthday boy. Funeral arrangements have not yet been announced.

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

New York, The Most Exciting City In The World

Pictured below, an old man gets directions while holding a green pepper and a dollar.

Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Barbara Walters Interviews Broccoli Farts

The following is a transcript of an interview Barbara Walters had earlier this year with Broccoli Farts, courtesy of "20/20:"

Barbara Walters: Thank you for taking the time to sit down with me. I know you're busy.

Broccoli Farts: My pleasure.

Barbara Walters: I understand that you are the gastrointestinal result of eating either raw or cooked broccoli– is that correct?

Broccoli Farts: Yes. It doesn't really matter what state the broccoli is in when you eat it. I'm there either way, although some will still tell you that I am more intense after a meal of raw broccoli, like in a salad. And even though I've gotten a lot of media coverage lately, I just wanted to say that I've been around for a long time before all this hype.

Barbara Walters: Hm.

Broccoli Farts: BRAAAAAAAPPPP!

Barbara Walters: So was that cooked?

Broccoli Farts: I forget. I think so.

Barbara Walters: Tell me about your home life. Is there a Mrs. Broccoli Farts?

Broccoli Farts: No, not yet. (laughs) I'm still trying to find the right girl. I mean, obviously in my line of work, it's pretty hard to meet someone. No, I have two male roommates in a 2-bedroom apartment. Josh and I each have a bedroom, and Yamir sleeps on a futon over by the television in the main room.

Barbara Walters: Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: BBBBRRAAAHHHHHRRRFFFF! I'm sorry, excuse me?

Barbara Walters: Your roommate Yamir?

Broccoli Farts: Yes, he's from India. He's an exchange student, going to the School of Visual Arts for graphic design, I believe.

Barbara Walters: You have been called a "rebel," a "rapscallion," and "someone I don't want around my dinner table." How do you respond to those charges?

Broccoli Farts: Everyone's entitled to their opinion of me. The fact is, I'm there whether you want me there or not. I'll loudly enter a room mid-story, or I can quietly sneak in if someone leans to the side in their chair. I have my ways of showing up, regardless how high-falutin the occasion is. (smiles)

Barbara Walters: It strikes me that you're so much more pleasant than people make you out to be.

Broccoli Farts: I don't know about that, Barbara. Maybe you're just catching me on a good day! There have been times that I've caused headaches, nausea and even the occasional botched bris.

Barbara Walters: Bris? As in the circumcision ceremony?


Barbara Walters: Thank you for talking to us, Broccoli Farts.

Friday, June 10, 2011

EADJ New York Fashion Corner

It's see-through leggings over a thong that can really ruin the look of a tanktop/bra strap combo.

Note: If someone who's never met you can pick you out of a crowd just from the description "match-matchy dandy," you're doing something wrong.

Worst witness protection program ever.

Gareth was thinking two things:
1) Do I want a large or medium Pepsi?
2) What are the chances of my penis fitting inside a horseshoe crab?

See, even white boys can be idiot thugs, too.

Look, if you insist on telling the world how much you love weed, don't be surprised if you get your shit searched by cops at every turnstile.

That's not mesh; it just used to be a medium sweater.

If you paid full price for a bra, you better damn well show it off by wearing one of those vented blouses with holes in the back.

NOTE: That just might be a nursing blouse on backwards. Who knows.

Boots have shoelaces. Collar shirts have buttons. So you can't possibly be expected to also work a fly zipper and a belt buckle ON THE SAME DAY.

It's odd how out of place you look with a fez when you're not driving a miniature car.

Best witness protection program ever.

Dance your cares away (clap clap)
Worry's for another day
Let the music play(clap clap)
Down in Fraggle Rock ♫