Monday, June 29, 2015

EADJ Pun Cops: Riot Police Edition

"Okay, boys. We're the last line of defense here. Puns... really bad puns... have taken over the city, and it's up to us to bring it all back under control. These puns are going to be coming fast and furious in a few moments, and I want you all to HOLD THE LINE. Everything's counting on this or it's total chaos. Let's go."

"Holy shit. 'She's a natural born Keller?' That is such a LAZY tagline."

*steps on the pun's neck and puts a ziptie around its ankles*

"Crepe Cod." "Crepe of Wrath." And even "Crepe-e Puns." This is a bit worse, but still generally lazy. We can handle this."

*easily deflects the puns with a riot shield*

"Groooaan. This is pretty bad. Stay tight, boys, don't let the 'hay' and the 'moo' combine forces here."

"Ha, you said 'force.'"


"WE NEED TO RETREAT A FEW STEPS!!!!!! 'USEFUL? TOTES' is more than our defense line can withstand. Use the fire hose! Use the pepper spray! Throw some stun grenades!"


Friday, June 26, 2015

More Goddamn Mall Kiosks And What Their Goddamn Attendants Are Probably Goddamned Thinking

The following is what Carrie at the Dipping Dots kiosk in Albemarle, Mass was thinking about:

• Are these two customers lovers or brother and sister?
• What kind of damaged adults order Dipping Dots or themselves?!
• Why, God, why aren't I famous yet?????

The following is what Dani at the Perfume YES! kiosk in Chilton, West Virginia was thinking about:

• My God, this cigarette tastes great
• Just puffing this in the parking lot relaxes me more than anything else. Ahhh.
• Wait. Who's minding the kiosk? Shit shit shit shit shit shit shit...

The following is what Toni at the Shopping Inc. kiosk in Bethesda, Maryland was thinking about:

• Who buys all this useless crap?
• Is "True Detective" on tonight?
• Can anyone tell I sharted my pants? Hope not.

The following is what Brian at the Rosetta Stone Language Center kiosk in Los Palmas, California was thinking about:

• What should I get for lunch today- Sbarro or Panda Express?
• I wish people would stop avoiding giving me eye contact so I can sell some damned product.
• Is Iggy Azalea black or not?

The following is what Donna at the vacant kiosk in Portland, Oregon was thinking about:

• Are these split ends?
• Where the hell is Cathy and Angela? They're like 15 minutes late already.

The following is what Rosa at the Balloon Fun kiosk in Cheyenne, Wyoming was thinking about:

• What was my life plan again?
• I wonder what I would say if I ever got the chance to meet Sir Ian McKellen.
• I can't tell if I've lost weight in my chest or if my bra has lost its elasticity.

The following is what Taylor at the Damn Right Sterling Silver kiosk in Ithaca, New York was thinking about:

• This idiot doesn't think this is all real silver, right?
• Has anyone noticed that my socks don't match?
• Why are Oreos great, but Double Stuf Oreos are nasty as shit?

The following is what Tobias at the Bauble Bobble kiosk in Canker, Florida was thinking about:

• How did I get this corn kernel in my nose?
• When will Republicans realize that the Affordable Care Act is here to stay?
• Does any other word rhyme with "kangaroo?"

Monday, June 22, 2015

Answers To Last Week's "Which Can, Erickson?"

Click to make bigger:

Legal note: EADJ does not intend to suggest that these particular bathrooms are hobo friendly, nor are we condoning the outright prohibition of hobos at any of these locations. Also, the hobos we are referring to are the old-fashioned train-riding hobos and we are not poking fun of the very real homeless problem. Here, give to this charity if it makes you feel better.

Friday, June 19, 2015

I Guess It's Time Once Again To Play Which Can, Erickson?

Click to enlarge:

Match the above toilets (indicated by hobo railroad symbols) to their location below:

A. Central Park, NYC

B. Terroni, Toronto

C. Schlesinger Associates Marketing Research, Houston TX

D. Squint Lake Park, Vancouver

E. Pizzeria Mozza, Los Angeles

F. The Hershey Story Museum, Hershey, PA

G. Great Wolf Lodge, Scotrun, PA

H. Turtleback Zoo, West Orange, NJ

Answers will be provided within a fortnight!

Thursday, June 18, 2015

Vince's Uncle Rico In Legal Trouble

This morning before posting another bullshit entry, I got this notice on Blogger:

What was the offending entry that violated the Digital Millennium Copyright Act? This one from November 28 of last year that explained how to forward a personal check:

Now, truth be told, pretty much every Uncle Roberto entry is a lazy cut-and-paste job from another how-to website. So it's interesting that something so mundane as the particular wording of how to forward a check could be considered copyright-protected. Okay, whatever.

Here now is the legally adjusted entry.

Tuesday, June 16, 2015

Monday, June 15, 2015

Let's Harangue The Siblings Of the EADJ Mail Sack For No Reason!

Submitted by Chris Stoltz, who said he submitted this before and it was never posted, but he's doing it again:

Friday, June 12, 2015

At Last: A Transcript of What The People In The NJ Transit Survey Photo Are Saying

Having exhausted (almost) every angle with regards to this enigmatic photo, we at EADJ have finally ponied up some cash to pay some professional lip readers to tell what these six people were actually saying during the photoshoot. Below are their findings:

JESSE: "He's either just smiling or saying a very solid 'S' sound. Maybe he's saying 'Sssorry for looking down your shirt?'"

JESS: "She is a puzzle. Her hands are moving, implying that she's in the middle of expressing something, but her mouth seems locked in a smile. Perhaps she's also using an 'S' sound, as in 'Megan Trainor ssssuckssssss.'"

ANGIE: "I feel like her lips and teeth are indicating a hard 'D' sound, like 'Donkey punches never really happen, do they?'"

TRINA: "Oh, this one's easy (and so is Trina!). She is clearly saying an 'ooo' sound, as in 'Whooo wants a piece of this action?'" I know I'm not supposed to judge in my profession, but that is disgraceful."

DON WITH THE THUMBS: "Since I cannot even see his mouth, I'm just going to assume he is saying, 'JEB BUSH IN 2016!' Yeah, that looks like it."

SIMON PETER: "Oh, I don't care much for him. Look at that slack pussy piehole of his. He's probably not saying anything interesting. Probably something like, 'You should really check out my Pinterest- it's full of great lifehack ideas.' Jesus, SPARE ME."