Wednesday, December 31, 2008

Something I Will Mention That Will Start Bothering You, Too

That gap of blue space in front of the word "Rangers" in the New York Rangers logo. Unacceptable.

Look at it.

Here's the older logo from '96, which was better and worse:

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

R.I.P. "Disney DVD"

During the heyday of the regular DVD, Disney saw fit to brand their DVDs as "Disney DVDs," as if theirs were somehow more special. And titles like Little Mermaid or Pocahontas be available for a limited time then would "go back in the Disney vault," thereby depriving a couple of younger siblings the joy of watching a universally loved classic. Faced!

But I guess they cut that shit out once the Blu Ray/HD DVD wars flared up. Maybe some "Imagineeer" was too lazy to comp up Disney Blu Ray and Disney HD DVD logos? And even after the dust settled, and Blu Ray prevailed, Disney's new format releases no longer display an obnoxious proprietary logo. The company is still up to their "Disney vault" marketing hijinks, so parents will have to shell out $75 on eBay if they want their youngest to enjoy Beauty and the Beast.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Aww, Hell No: Some Ill-Advised Hip Hop Covers

Promo card for G Stack and Deev Da Greed Presents Abraham Reekin', Vol. IV

So many questions. Why is Lincoln sitting on a cheesy overstuffed leather sofa from my cousin's studio apartment. Why the FDR-style cigarette blunt holder. How is "Reekin'" even remotely close to "Lincoln." I'd report this to the EADJ Pun Cops, but I don't think this even qualifies as a play on words. And do rappers' heroes always end up getting shot?

Plain, Pull My Finger

Combining fart humor with imagery from the L.A. riots of '92, Plain makes a statement both scatological and sociopolitical. Or not. Track 12 on this CD: "Restless Leg Syndrome" ft. T Nutty. It sounds as terrible as it sounds.

Big Kuntry King, My Turn To Eat

(CD cover courtesy of Andrew Gall)
Now, I do understand where this cover came from. The guy calls himself BK King or something, and two seconds later, you have a concept for the album art. But instead of going straight to shooting it, they should have asked, is this stupid? Some soul searching would have found a "yes."

L-Solo, I Am The Shit

Sigh. And I had that we had come so far since Millie Jackson:

Feuchte Traume, Frauenarzt
"Frauenarzt?!" Is that the name of the album or the sound that came out of her ass? Mein Gott!

Friday, December 26, 2008

Christmas is Over? Already??

The real question is why are you checking EADJ so soon after Christmas? Have you already spent all the time that you can bear with your relatives and/or inlaws that you seek refuge in a shitty blog about Joel Thomas eating dick? Wouldn't you rather talk to your uncle about his lumbago or go see that "Benjamin Button" movie where Brad Pitt's balls go from hanging really low to getting sucked up into his younger abdomen? I gotta admit, I've always thought Cate Blachett was super-hot. Especially in the Lord of the Rings movies. Totally hot. She was recently featured in some crap article on the Internet listing "hot bodies with butter faces," but I find her face interesting and classic. Not like Vida Guerra, who was also on that list. Now, THAT'S a butter face. There is this chick on that X-Files ripoff show Fringe (which has turned out to be a pretty decent show) who looks like a younger Cate Blanchett. Again, very hot. I can't believe Joshua Jackson plays a badass on that show, though. Like, the mopey kid on Dawson's Creek suddenly has a dark background running illegal weapons and working for the CIA. Un-fucking-likely. And then the actor playing his Dad on the show was Denethor on Lord of the Rings! Small world, huh? What do you mean, am I avoiding my relatives now?

Thursday, December 25, 2008

A Beary Merry Christmas From EADJ!

Eat A Dick Joel would like to wish both of our readers a happy and healthy holiday, filled with wonder and extremely unhappy stuffed bears!

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Wrap a Christmas Present

To wrap a gift, first gather your materials and lay them out on a clean, flat work surface. Place the box containing the gift along the length of wrapping paper and unroll enough paper to wrap it around the box, leaving at least a 2-inch overlap. Make sure there is enough wrapping paper at each end of the box to cover the ends completely when folded over them. Eyeball the wrapping paper at the ends of the box. Trim away any extra paper so that the remaining flaps are long enough to cover the box but short enough to fold over smoothly into flaps. Bring one lengthwise edge of the wrapping paper to the center of the box and secure it with tape. Turn the opposite edge of the paper under approximately 1 inch and bring this to the center of the box as well so that it overlaps the first edge, and tape it down. Bring the upper flap down against the side of the box, making sure the flap is sharply creased at its folds. Tape the flap to the box. Repeat for the opposite end of the box.

Personally, I don't have a lot of time to wrap my own gifts. I usually give booze, and the liquor stores have gift bags. So that usually works out. But other times, I'm giving a gift to an alcoholic or a kid, then that's when I go to the car wash to grab some Toby Keith or Bobby Brown CDs. Maligayang Pasko at Manigong Bagong Taon!

And Now For Some Unsolicited Magic!

Over at edit, Nathan regales the lunch crowd with some impromptu magic.

The Quicktime really doesn't do justice to the excitement of watching this trick in person while you're trying to eat your lunch.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

An Imagined Conversation.

"Now, you can see, gentleman– and lady– on this next hologram that the All Terrain Armored Transport, or 'AT-AT' for short, features extremely heavy armor and armaments. The Imperial Department of Military Research are very proud of this latest assault walker design, and...excuse me."
"Aren't you Anne Murray?"
"Wait. Anne Murray the singer?! How did you get into this Imperial officer weapons briefing (I'm a really big fan, by the way) ?"
"(Thanks) Well, I don't know, the door was open, and I guess I got off on the wrong floor..."
"What are you talking about, Anne Murray? This is the Death Star, a heavily guarded, self-contained space station in the middle of space! There's no possible way you could have just wandered into this room!"
"I have all your albums."
"Well, I'm afraid we might be forced to detain you, Mrs. Murray. But we must continue with the briefing."
"Please, continue. I find this very interesting."
"Thanks. Ahem. Now, the AT-AT is designed for the dual purpose of crushing and demoralizing enemy forces, but also as a transport for troops and light vehicles. And because of its heavy armor and stature, it can well be the first vehicle deployed to a combat zone. Jerjerrod!"
"Sorry. I wasn't paying attention. Mrs. Murray, I have to ask, why was the album I'll Be Seeing You released only in Canada and not elsewhere? It's one of my favorites."
"We can't have this discussion now. Or ever! It isn't canon!"
"What's canon?"
"You know, what's allowed in the Star Wa...this universe."
"Have you heard her version of I'm Gonna Sit Right Down and Write Myself a Letter? It's fantastic."
"I'm sure it's wonderful. You know, I think we all need a break now. Let's meet up in fifteen minutes. Guards, take Mrs. Murray to Cell Block 1138. And Jerjerrod, can I borrow that CD you mentioned so that I could rip it?"

Monday, December 22, 2008

Let's Make The EADJ Mail Sack Clean Up All Those Carrot Shavings It Left Around the Bed!

Submitted via text message by Andrew Gall and his fiancée Megan, "Spotted in the middle of Michigan City, Indiana."

Words fail.

Friday, December 19, 2008

A Special EADJ Mail Sack Slash Link-O-Rama Slash Vince's Uncle Roberto Entry

Submitted by Chris Stoltz via email, a link and a suggestion:

Absolutely Hilarious JCPenney Catalogue from 1977 (You HAVE to read!)

"I think this calls for fashion tips by Vince's Uncle Roberto."

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto With Fashion Tips From 1977

The fashion of leisure suits became popular in the 70's due to the rise of inexpensive materials and a culture that had come to hate formality. The leisure suit rose in popularity with its promise to bring a stylish suit that could be used in formal business, but was comfortable and trendy enough for everyday wear.

Back in 1977, I was only 17 at the time, just holding down a job stacking boxes at the local IGA. So I had no money for nice clothes like this. But now that I've made a little money driving cars, all this great stuff can't be bought anywhere except for on the eBay! Funny how things work out that way.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

EADJ Etiquette Center

A new segment on manners by EADJ.

Etiquette Tip: Too often these days, if you see someone you know in the hallway or on the elevator at work, they ask "How are you?" and you say, "Fine, how are you?" and for some reason (maybe they haven't been paying attention), they say "Fine, how are you?" a second time, which is really infuriating.

In the cases where they ask you a second time how you are, it is acceptable to just say "Cunt." We even ran this by Miss Manners, and she was cool with it.

Wednesday, December 17, 2008

An Open Letter To Papa John of Papa John's Pizza

Dear "Papa" John Schnatter of Papa John's Pizza,

Dude. You are too fucking YOUNG. When I first heard of you in Atlanta, I was picturing your classic jolly, fat Italian man with a chef's hat playfully worn askew, possibly sporting a black mustache and winking at the camera. A stereotype, to be sure, reinforced by years of Yellow Pages ads and takeout menu clip art. And once I actually sampled my first delicious slice of Papa John's hand-tossed BBQ Chicken and Bacon pizza, that image morphed into a chubby cheeked older man– possibly balding– but still with a jaunty kerchief and a fat belly under his apron. And you were either tossing some pizza dough in the air or doing that Italian thing with your fingers that either indicates "okay" or "delicioso!" Yeah, that was a good image.

So imagine my dismay and disappointment when I finally see a photo of you in a menu. You look like you're only twenty, son! You have a lustrous full head of hair, and worse than that, you're not even fat. I might as well have seen a photo of a skinny albino Bangladeshi girl in a pizza apron, or a robot praying mantis with pepperoni dreadlocks. Or Blanka from Street Fighter.

I will admit, "Papa," it is very impressive that you've created a multi-million dollar empire of more than 3,000 franchisees worldwide at such a tender age. It's a credit to your ingenuity that you've accomplished so much while still looking like the kid who passes out at a party and gets the word "SMEGMA" drawn on his forehead. So, kudos to that.

But don't you see your youth and fitness work against the image of delicious pizza? Don't you realize you don't even look like you could make a ketchup sandwich? All those pizza chef stereotypes exist for a reason, "Papa." People who look like you usually can't cook for shit.

Yeah, I know that in a few decades, your metabolism will catch up with you, and you'll start graying and getting a paunch. And the image will finally match the product. Maybe until then you could grow some black sideburns, start playing the accordion and hire a monkey in a fez? Please?

Age already, Skeeter.


Tuesday, December 16, 2008

Respeck, Colie.

I was about to write an entry about this graffiti I found in Times Square, which is pretty dull when you think about it.

But luckily, I went by the work printer and found this:

Monday, December 15, 2008

It Ain't Over

Okay, I had no intention of posting a Project Fountain update. Frankly, I'm tired of the bit and the "Great Purge" from last week just broke my heart. So I went into Old Bridge Deli just to grab a sandwich and a gallon of milk. But what I saw in the fountain in the upstairs dining area did warrant an EADJ entry:

Somebody there is fucking with me now.

Are You Fucking Kidding Me?

"YoYoYo?" Really?

The Evolution of Richard Clayderman's Buttcrack Haircut

Over the course of his illustrious career, pianist Richard Clayderman has used a variety of source material for reinterpretation. But whether he's re-imagining the pop sensibilities of The Carpenters or the dramatic epic broadway tunes of Andrew Lloyd Webber, Clayderman has kept his parted-down-the-middle two-tone haircut consistent. For that is his trademark. Here, EADJ examines the many moods of Richard Clayderman's ass-crack do.

The Best of Abba
Establishing a look is important. And Richard sports his classic, bowl buttcrack center-part like a proud, preening peacock.

The Best of Andrew Lloyd Webber
Often lighting and smoke evoke a feeling of mystery and drama. Richard knows this and blends his buttcrack just so that you can't tell if it's his forehead or his hair. Quelle mystere!

The Best of The Carpenters
Richard Clayderman pays respect to the tragic life of Karen Carpenter by foregoing the buttcrack part completely. A deepfelt tribute from a fellow artiste.

The Best of Cinema
A triumphant return to clearly-defined ass-cleavage-resembling hair! A widescreen cinemascopic panorama of shimmering blond hair for Clayderman to lead the troops in. An epic conquistador's helmet of triumph! To arms!

The Best of Classical
The formal look is appropriate when approaching the classics. Clayderman knows this and responds with chiaroscuro, Monet-like softness on wispy sinews of asscrack. But you may also notice a bit of "party in the back," if you know what I'm saying. Am I right, ladies?

The Best of Love Songs
The art of love involves baring one's soul. What better way to portray that than to create the biggest, widest buttcrack part ever slapped on an album cover? Richard takes both hands and STRETCHES the everloving bejeezus out of that part, spreading that bad boy like Penthouse Pet Valentina Vaughn in her June 2005 pictorial.

It must also be noted that on none of these album covers are Richard Clayderman's famous hands visible. That's because he's folding t-shirts out of the crop.

Friday, December 12, 2008

Umm, No.

A display spotted at Blockbuster Video(?):

Then this was disturbing:

Unless that's the only way you can get an erection, I wouldn't recommend putting a sinister anarchist killer played by a dead actor wherever "the magic happens."

I also like how feminine that bedroom in the photo looks. Like Aunt Judy decided to have the Joker watch over her restless legs syndrome.

Other terrible places to put a Joker standup:
• in the bathroom at a wayward school for girls
• on the front stoop at Mary Kate Olsen's apartment in Soho
• behind a CVS pharmacy counter
• any crime scene
• in the back seat of Paula Abdul's car
• Graceland
• with a loaded gun in a crowded club with a certain NFL star who got in trouble for doing that exact thing
• India
• in one of the cars at the Hershey's Great American Chocolate Tour ride
• in a waiting room at a cosmetic surgeon's office
• in a failing video store chain

Thursday, December 11, 2008

Beating a Dead Fountain

It's the day after "The Great Purge" of Project Fountain, and we have discovered that there's been some collateral damage; some of the original native figures and objects from the fountain have been unwittingly swept away with the impostors.

Two "nativity figures:"

One water stream barrier:


Check out the cover of this month's Thrive(?) Magazine:

Fucking terrifying.