Friday, June 28, 2013

On The Next "Walkway To Parking," An Original Series On Lifetime

Coming July 14 on Lifetime: the most important episode of "Walkway To Parking," starring Melissa Joan Hart that you will see this year. In the season finale, titled "Forget We Met," alliances will be forged. Family secrets will be uncovered.  And four of the five major characters will die in horrible, very graphic detail.

Studio execs and television critics have been given a sneak peak at this game-changing episode, which was directed by "One Life To Live" helmer Jill Ackles, and rave reviews have hit the press already.

"My sweet God, Melissa Joan Hart was so brave to show her tits in that courtroom scene!" - Variety

"Sharon Stone shines as Aunt Hildy in a Daytime Emmy-worthy career-defining performance! Wait, this will air at night, so it's not eligible for a Daytime Emmy? Okay, never mind." - Soap Opera Digest

"I didn't understand a line of dialogue in this episode. But that's mainly because I'm Portuguese and don't speak a word of English. I mean that literally." - Honcho Magazine (Portuguese Edition)

What is it about this television show that compels people to watch it a second time? Is it Melissa Joan Hart's staggering range of emotion in her acting confused? Is it the beautiful Southern village sets? Is it the fact that it airs opposite "Minute To Win It," that idiotic show where people have to hip-check a ping pong ball into a goddamned cup? Whatever the reason, Lifetime is certainly enjoying the spike in ratings, and they are betting big on the July 14 episode, charging advertisers up to $180,000 per 30 second commercial.

"Walkway To Parking" airs on Lifetime 8pm 7 central and is rated TVMA for wincing, terrible fake Southern accents, and buckets of unnecessary gore.

Thursday, June 27, 2013

There's No Way To Know For Sure

Here is a short list of possible things that this baby is thinking while sitting in the Ultimate Spider-Man Baby Pool:

"Where did I leave my phone?"
"Why is she holding an invisible taco in front of me?"
"Wait. This isn't Disney World."
"How the hell did my hair get wet in this shallow thing?"
"I would have preferred a Batman pool, actually. I'm more of a DC reader, especially since the New 52."
"Why is the government focusing more on the apprehension of Edward Snowden and not on the shocking revelation he leaked that the NSA illegally monitors Americans' phone calls?"
"What kind of fuel does the Dinosaur Train run on? Hopefully not fossil fuel. That would be just wrong."
"I wonder if my hatred for the Chinese will arise naturally or be engrained into me by my racist parents."
"Wait a minute. Goldilocks was clearly breaking and entering in that story!"
"I imagine you couldn't play Jenga for shit on the International Space Station."
"Isn't $17.99 a little unreasonable for an inflatable toy?"
"Where's that waitress? I ordered my drink 15 minutes ago."
"Man, the actor who plays Cam on 'Modern Family' may not be really gay, but he certainly is convincing."
"Why is having a black president a big deal? There's been one in office my entire life."
"You do not have my nose. I realize it's a trick now, so you can't fool me again, lady."
"My friend Hector explained to me the meaning of the word 'coochie,' so whenever you say 'coochie coo' to me, that's sexual harassment."
"Seriously, this thing holds what, one gallon of water?"
"Liam Neeson actually did a pretty great Hannibal in that 'A-Team' movie, now that I think about it."
"It's a shame more people don't use Google Chrome as their primary web browser."
"Holy shit, look at that woman's cankles!"
"I miss the good ol' days of drinking directly from my mother's chest."
"Not to belabor a point, but my goddamn dimple can hold more water than this thing."
"I bet you're reading all of these in Bruce Willis' voice, aren't you?"
"Man, there is no shortage of nipples in this photo."
"Miremos más que somos padres de nuestro porvenir que no hijos de nuestro pasado."
"My spidey sense is tingling. Or am I sitting on my pacifier?"
"How do humans know what they know, and how does our knowledge relate to our experience?"
"What in the world would possess Gallagher's brother to impersonate him and then get into a whole legal entanglement with him over an act that he clearly never owned?"
"Couldn't she have put this stupid pool over a softer surface than friggin' concrete?"
"I wonder if I should get a career in advertising or marketing."
"That cloud looks like half of a cow."
"If someone had two lazy eyes, would they look like Cookie Monster?"
"Will I start losing my hair when I'm in my 40's? Who cares? LOL"
"Why is my mother so cheap that she buys my suits at the Build-A-Bear Workshop?"
"Do I smell ham?"
"Where is my Dad? Is he that guy? Or that guy? Or him with the bag?"
"Why make a g.d. zombie movie if you're going to make it PG-13, take out all the gore and have the zombies run faster than humans? Friggin' ridiculous."
"I should ride a badger since I'm still small enough to balance on one."
"How do you pronounce ?uestlove's name?"
"I think it's pretty lazy for the Alphabet song to be the same exact melody as 'Twinkle Twinkle Little Star.' Just lazy."
"Man, based on what my friends at daycare tell me, I am not looking forward to teething."
"Wait, there were THREE Beastie Boys?!"

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Let's Celebrate The EADJ Mail Sack's Birthday On A Day That's Convenient For Us!

Submitted by Tom Weingard: "Nice description, Getty."

Click to enlarge and read

Too lazy to click and enlarge? Fuck it. Here it is bigger.

Still can't read that? Fuck you:

Title: Senior Couple Having Fun Sniffing Flowers

Description: A beautiful senior damsel is making believe her handsome senior prince is offering a fabulous rose. She sniffs the tiny sprout as if in a dream. But alas, this senior prince appears resigned to participating in yet another Kodak moment he'd never have believed possible. Grandma is holding the walking stick she's been using while walking together with Grandpa on a trail at the nature park. Desaturated image.

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Let's Use Some Magic Fingers On The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Andrew Gall via text, a spectacular logo/photo in Vancouver:

Monday, June 24, 2013


So I was in Target buying feminine hygiene products, when I happened upon a familiar face on the new age CD rack.

Yes, Robin Meade, whose debut CD "Brand New Day" was reviewed right here on this very blog, has a sophomore follow-up album, IN STORES NOW.

So you're damn right I grabbed a copy and took it home. 

Check back later for a fuller review of this serious recording artist's latest.

Here she is wailing on (not whaling on) Piers Morgan:

Friday, June 21, 2013

Thursday, June 20, 2013

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

Not All Artwork Can Make It Into The Blackberry Face Exhibit

This item (nicknamed "Tessa") was submitted for entry into the Blackberry Face Exhibit- currently on display at the Kegan Worchestershire Gallery & Laundromat in Barcelona, Spain. Unfortunately, it takes more than a smartphone and a sour look on your mouth to qualify being added to the art show. Even celebrity lookalikes cannot make it into this exclusive collection.

"Tessa" fails to join the Blackberry Face Exhibit simply because she's not doing the "Blackberry Face." She is pursing her lips, which in many circles is instead referred to as a "duckmouth."

The Blackberry Face Exhibit will continue to be show at the Kegan Worchestershire Gallery & Laundromat until July 10, where it will relocate to the Terrence Üte Museum in Bierstadt, Korea. Admission will be $40 for adults and $50 for children under 10. No flash photography. And no "insies-and-outsies" once you enter.

Monday, June 17, 2013

Okay, CVS, A Few Things...

When I'm purchasing feminine hygiene products or sanitary protection, I need your coupons to be worded CORRECTLY and CLEARLY, otherwise you're sending me on a fool's errand. What's the $5 about?

Secondly, "expires 07/01/2013?" Like, don't I have at least a month before you force me to spend this coupon? It's not like my vagina is bleeding right now.

Thirdly, could you be wasting more paper with your four-yard-long receipts? Stop deforesting the world and leave some trees for the feminine hygiene and sanitary protection companies. Jeez, greedy.

Friday, June 14, 2013

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Six Movie Ideas Based On Some Graffiti Scrawled On A Wall In Prague

As has been exhaustively documented before, Hollywood studios are plum out of original ideas and are looking everywhere for the latest movie properties or scripts. Or just scenes they can blow out into feature films. Or just a loose outline of how a story would go so they can build off that. Anything, man.


Below are six new ideas (based on some random Czech Republic graffiti) that the major studios are currently fighting over to put into production:

starring Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Amber Heard and Nicholas Hoult. The year is 2044 and society has reinstated a caste system. Jude Law plays the patrician governor who is confronted by "Pleber" (Gordon-Levitt) with a gun that shoots chainsaws in the name of all plebeians. Social justice's new badass name: PLEBER.

Chui, a down and out former brewery worker (Luiz Guzman) discovers his great-grandma's recipe for delicious taffy and starts to market it, angering the local candy bigwigs (Amy Sedaris and Will Arnett) and starting a full-out war of the sweets.

Olivia Wilde plays Kelsey, a broke but promising young college student at the fictional Eaton College who uses the Internet to start an accelerated study group. Everyone in the study group (Olivia Williams, Olivia Munn, and Dakota Fanning) gets accused of cheating and have to prove themselves by retaking their studies in person. Wait, there really is an "Eton College?" Shit.

starring Bill Heder, Jason Sudeikis, Will Forte, Kristin Wiig, Maya Rudoph, Darrell Hammond, Tim Meadows, Seth Myers, Dana Carvey, Mike Myers, Fred Armisen, Abby Elliott, Ellie Kemper, Mindy Kaling, Jim Carrey and David Ogden Stiers.
No other information available.

 Jason Schwartzman plays Dougie, a lovable guy that stalks, kills, and dismembers his high school sweetheart (Megan Fox). It's an indie black comedy!

"OIPSE" or "OPPSE" or "01P5E"
Neil Blomkamp directs this sci-fi thriller where the moon has completely been populated by android versions of the entire population of Kentucky. Why? You got me. Starring Billy Bob Thornton as the governor of Kentucky and Prime Minister Pete Nice from 3rd Bass as the President of the Moon.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Let's Adjust The Sticky Balls Inside The EADJ Mail Sack!

This series of photos was submitted by Tom Weingard:

"We just returned from belgium, the land of edible dicks. I highly recommend it for Joel."

Monday, June 10, 2013

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now, this month's most questionable and/or least explained hip hop mixtape covers:

Nature: Seasons Changed (Spring Edition)
Are you sure this isn't a Narada New Age music sampler sold at aromatherapy spas and head shops?

Look. Someone scanned a necklace pendant that they got at a fair.

A goat man? A possessed mother? A Gremlin with lopped off ears? I almost want to listen to this out of morbid curiosity. Almost.

"It's a trap!" Yeah, I get it. Who doesn't. But what I find interesting is the Middle Earth elf and the guy bending over with jeans behind Admiral Ackbar. This photo was stolen from a comic convention! How awesome is that for those cosplayers?!

"Hi. We're Cherish. And the truth of the matter is, if any of your friends offer you drugs or alcohol and won't take no for an answer, then they're not real friends. Just stand up to them, say 'no thanks,' and stand with one hip uncomfortably out to the side like you just hip checked a runaway refrigerator. And that's one to grow on."

"Exquisite" is the latest artwork filter featured in Adobe Illustrator 6.5. Now you can turn any boring cell phone shot of your friends into a stylish but boring cover for your mixtape!

I can't say for sure whether Donald Trump would really tweet a shout-out to Chief Keef, but the Donald has tweeted stranger and more random things. Sure, Keef, I'll give you the benefit of the doubt here.

The thing that makes the least sense here are the AUTUMN LEAVES.

Future's clapper was successfully installed. Now if only he could start dusting the place...

Nobody from H.R. had gotten around to speaking to Georgia about how her outfits weren't exactly office-appropriate, especially since the regional manager's conference was in two days.

Gillie Da Kid tests his clapper from 4 miles away from his apartment, and miraculously, it works!

Jadakiss's foot powder empire was unrivaled.

Here's the thing about going out to eat with Defari. If you take him to Olive Garden, and he spots that oversized prop wine bottle, he WILL grab it and do thirty minutes of prop comedy with it until your entire group gets thrown out.

Someone wanted to be badass by photoshopping their face onto Optimus Prime's with a gun barrel for a mouth, but it only ended up looking like they're an appliance that brews delicious coffee.

Hey guys. Look at the tat under his right nipple. It says DO NOT RESUSCITATE.

After he was stopped by the highway patrol, Meek Mills was disappointed to learn that he hadn't broken any laws besides a minor helmet law and was sent on his way. Man, he wasn't even cuffed!

It's a fact that Young Jeezy is an absolute clean freak, so when it's time to clean burned alfredo sauce on the crockpot, he gets pretty serious with it.

"Beat It" featuring Chris Brown. Make your own punchline.

You can get onto Google Image Search and recreate this mixtape cover in about three clicks.

Yes, as a matter of fact, I would love to one day find a stripper that shits out dollar bills.

Raekwon poses for his album cover, knowing full well that the Tonight Show is not about laughing.