Monday, November 30, 2009

A Snapshot of My Weekend

My Mom, Dad and Jeanette discuss the Tiger Woods "news" story.

Friday, November 27, 2009

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Bale Hay



Hay is a staple food for livestock during the winter months. Learning how to bale hay requires patience. With today's big hay balers, it's a much easier task. However, the farmer is still dependent on the weather and growing conditions to bale hay that has a high nutritional value for his animals. First, check the condition of the grass. If the grass is at its peak, mow the hay. Let it cure. How long this takes depends on how heavy the grass is and what the weather conditions are. Next, you rake the hay. Depending on the hay rake used, you may have a windrow that is one row of grass. Or it may be two rows of grass folded together.

The next step is to prepare the baler. Grease all the machinery according to the manufacturer's directions. Check all the belts for proper tightness. Load the net wrap or baler twine. Prepare the hay in the windrow. It should have a crisp feel and there should be no wet clumps of hay. Proceed down the windrow with the hay baler attached to the back of the tractor. Straddle the windrow to feed the hay into the intake chamber. You may need to weave back and forth to get the hay to feed into the baler in an even manner.

Watch the indicator lights and the baler. When the bale chamber is full, either tie the bale or wrap it in net wrap. Back the baler up slightly from the windrow, open the baler and drop the bale of hay on the ground. Bale the rest of the field. If the hay clogs in the baler, use the safety chocks. Open the baler and untangle the hay. Remove the safety chocks, and continue baling the hay.

And speaking of hay, if you ever hire my town car service to pick you up from a county fair or any birthday party with ponies, do me a solid and stomp on the ground before getting in the car. That would really make my job a lot more pleasant. Thanks.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

Happy Thanksgiving From EADJ!


Since December 2006, EADJ has consistently -and without fail- posted an entry every weekday, including holidays. Today is no exception.

EADJ wishes you, yours, and yours' yourses a rejoiceful and thankful Thanksgiving holiday or whatever. It is now that EADJ would like to list a few things for which we are thankful:

• The Kinks
• Good times
• Wilona from "Good Times"
• The cleanliness of Montreal
• Family
• Joy buzzers
• Jello molds
• Short skirts
• Taking big dukes
• Todd Crisman
• Styrofoam (also known as polystyrene in the UK)
• Freestyle snowboarding
• Having never been uppercut
• Cymbals
• Samosas
• Fake fur
• The buddy system
• XBox Live
• Scalawags
• Having never been asked to propose a toast
• Pussy
• "Delta Dawn" by Tanya Tucker
• Classy seafood restaurants
• The fact that the wife doesn't like decorating with sand dollars
• The fact that there are other channels when SNL is on
• Nougat
• The Iowa Highway Patrol
• Lip balm
• J.J. Abrams
• Titty bars
• Not having heard marijuana being referred to as "ganja" in a long time
• Skin moisturizer
• Car bingo

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Monday, November 23, 2009

Similarity


Pictured from left, Ranee Wü, Günther.

A Monday Morning What-The-Poo-Poo

Enjoy this week's Monday Morning What-The-Poo-Poo!

Plus, I think that was a "labia menorah" joke.

Friday, November 20, 2009

EADJ Album Artwork Project Music Revealed


Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"
Track: "Yippiekayay Motherfucker"


Larry: Well, I was right that the cover and band name were cute and the music wouldn’t be, but never expected thrash guitar. Ironically, the music gave me the exact same headache I used to get as a kid from drinking Kool-Aid.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: this hurts my ears. too much rumbling and gnashing of teeth. not what i was expecting from mr. kool aid.

----------
Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"
Track: "I Am Your Man"


Larry: I was pretty close here. I predicted that this douche was legit lame and not an act. I should have said, “Like Justin Timberlake with less talent, technology from 1982, and a disco baseline from 1972.”

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


----------

Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"
Track: "Garota Photoshop"


Larry: Oooh, close(ish) again. Their sound (Musically tight alternative tunes, but unoriginal) is exactly what I expected the Tony Danza Tapdance Experience to sound like. I was off on the punk/rap fusion for sure. Still I did predict a foreign language. One point for me.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: again, what i expected. these guys can't get hard. like, ever.

----------
Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"
Track: "Poison Ivy"


Larry: The track had pop/alt piano opening, then screeching anger metal, then at the :46 mark, it more or less became exactly what I expected. Over-produced electronic music. Though the chipmunk voice still confuses me.
Then the three styles flip back and forth. Still, I think I get some credit for predicting “they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in.” That describes the bulk of the track.


Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: good piano playing at the beginning, poor everything else. the piano was probably the dog's doing. and why the chipmunks?

----------

Correction: Merauder is actually the name of the band, not God Is I.

Album #5: Merauder, "God Is I"
Track: "Hell Captive"


Larry: Okay, I think I got this one 100% right. Though this was probably the easiest call of the bunch.

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: literally the same as tony danza. but it fits the art better, at least.

----------
Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"
Track: "I Like Your Hair"


Larry: You have got to be fucking kidding me. Predicting that this train wreck might be a prodigy or be in any way able to make good music was an all time wrong answer. By predicting he’d be a misunderstood musical talent, I insulted anyone and everyone who ever did have an ounce of talent. I officially apologize to Adam Lambert, musicians anywhere, anyone who ever whistled a tune in the shower, anyone who ever hummed a tune in an elevator, any passing train or car with an engine that roared even semi-rhythmically, and any dog, cat, whale or other animal who accidentally makes a partially melodious sound. Scotty doesn’t know!

Brynn: (never gave response after sending MP3s)

Andrew: boring. this one is actually the most right on to what i predicted.

Thursday, November 19, 2009

EADJ Album Artwork Project, Round 2

Once again we have folks guess what musical acts sound like based on the album artwork. This time we asked three people: Larry K, Brynn, and Andrew.


Album #1: "The Tony Danza Tapdance Extravaganza"


Larry: I’m guessing that, despite the name, there is no connection to either Tony Danza or tap dance. The wise-ass goofy name, distressed black background and retro-cool Kool Aid guy makes me think this is a band in the pop-punk-alternative mode. Like an early Green Day. I bet they’re an awesome band playing Goo Goo Dolls and Fu Fighters covers at a local bar, but their own stuff is considerably less appealing. Or they’re simply a band that just caters to poor, thirsty kids who like the taste of red food coloring.

Brynn: Cheesy 80s

Andrew: Self-important, like drawing feet on a potato, this stupid techno blitz of bleeps and bloops brings to mind awfulness, candy necklaces, and a guy taking a dump in a club bathroom. The dual ironic borrowed interest, in short, reeks.


----------

Album #2: Günther, "Pleasureman"


Larry: I was gonna say this is a goof as well. Like the picture is an inside joke and the music can’t be as lame as implied. But then I saw the umlaut in “gunther.” This might be legit. So I’ll say a cheesy euro douche who tries to sing sexy electronic pop and ballads. Like Justin Timberlake with less talent and technology from 1982.

Brynn: Dance/techno/eurotrash

Andrew: This isn’t really fair for me to review, as Mark Nikowlowski once sent out one of this dude’s songs in an attempt at humor on the company bullshit list. From the looks of it, it’s a dude banging a spoon on a triangle at varied speeds. Again, this one isn’t fair. I’m too close to it.


----------
Album #3: Vinte!, "EP 2009"


Larry: The usual not-so-great white kid punk rap fusion. Like the Beasties but just not. Except for some reason (perhaps the name “Vinte!”) I feel like they sing bilingually.

Brynn: 90's white Italian hip hop

Andrew: These guys sing about girls who have dumped them for not getting hard, then they go shred. Also, I love that Justin Long is on the bottom.



----------
Album #4: Bionic Ghost Kids, "Poison Ivy"


Larry: Wow. Not a clue. I’m guessing kids who can dance pretty well, and somehow managed to leverage that into an album despite the fact that they can’t make good music. I’ll say electronica with vocals mixed in. Or maybe an uncool, all-male Evanescence.

Brynn: beat boxing

Andrew: Fuse a drum machine and a-capella rants about society and you have this group. The guy in the mask doesn’t do anything but dance around mutely while shaking his fist and occasionally doing handstands. The dog was just borrowed for the photo shoot and plays no role in the overall group dynamic.


----------
Album #5: God Is I, "Merauder"


Larry: An homage to the classic 80’s death medal. Design a cool album cover and t-shirt (Megadeth, Anthrax, etc). THEN make music. I’ll say heavy metal...tightly played yet too loud/noisy to be good.

Brynn: Pop metal (according to Joanne)

Andrew: Equal parts gutteral growl, speed metal, and the sound of poop hitting toilet water. Large dick-n-balls inflatables engulf the stage during their live shows.


----------
Album #6: Scotty Vanity, "Eyeliner Is Spiffy"


Larry: Is “I was touched by daddy” a musical style? This kid’s a mess. But for some unknown reason, I’m guessing that he’s the most talented of this whole lot and has the best (most worthwhile) music. He probably has a sound that works, and some instrumental skills (possible even a terrific piano/keyboard player?)...but lacks the big voice. He wishes he was Adam Lambert, but instead he’s just a solid, yet unspectacular prodigy turned wannabe.

Brynn: wanna be boy george

Andrew: What that “leave Britney alone” meme would sound if set to music. It sounds like he plays the piano with his ass. Come to think of it, he probably does. Hoarse voice due to chain smoking and constant cackle noises.


(EADJ will post MP3s of the featured musical acts tomorrow, along with our esteemed panel's reaction to said music.)

AWESOME YouTube Comment O' the Fortnight


Found on a YouTube page featuring the "Penistron," wherein a Japanese inventor displays the "perfect mechanical vagina," a comment by filmchild:


5 Words:

Accidentally. Rip. Your. Dick. Off.

I Swear I'm Not Making This Up


Pictured above, a Facebook friend request from the priest that married me and J'Net in Philadelphia.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

The Holidays Are Approaching, So Pewter Bear Has Some Tips On How To Shop Safely And Wisely For the Upcoming Black Friday


Let's just cut you off right there, Pewter Bear. Nobody who reads this blog gives a shit about Black Friday. And they certainly don't want to hear tips on how to survive it from you. You see, nobody who writes for this blog or reads this blog cares two shits about you, Pewter Bear. You're an amazingly unwelcome intrusion on this website, and most everyone who comes into contact with you wants to murder your fat pewter ass on the spot.

You pudgy, worthless cretin of a whiff of a pewter fart. Go away forever and die in a burning dumpster full of biomedical waste and raw sewage. Shove a snow shovel up your ass and jump into a vat of Ajax. Tie a heavy rock and glass shards around your waste and roll down the "Exorcist steps" in Georgetown, Washington D.C. Have a picnic near the intake of a DC-10 engine.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Monday, November 16, 2009

The EADJ Crapcade Review: 2Balls1Cup


Today we review the iPhone game 2Balls1Cup by Eyedip (iTunes link), makers of Pig Vomit, Bust Balls, and Dung Luck. I am not shitting you.

Yes, it's pretty hard not to download something named so similarly to a certain spectacular video (NSFW), especially when it's going for a mere 99¢. So download I did and started that bad boy up.



The instruction screen confirmed my suspicion that the developers were "with it" and didn't stumble upon the game title by accident:


They did, however, decide to go with a bunch of "balls" jokes instead of referencing one girl eating another girl's shit out a cup. Wise.


The in-game music was carnival-like and irritating. The animation of the cups shuffling was crude like a web banner.




I never got to Level 3, but it's safe to assume that it contains faster shitty shuffling graphics and more "balls" jokes. Still, overall, it's a far better game than Touchballs, so I'll award this game a solid D.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight: Two-Fer


From the YouTube page featuring John Lennon's video for "Imagine," a comment by 22-year old pumpernickles13:

"this song is beautiful because he is describing heaven."



and one from the more articulate johnrobinsonh:

"What are we really supposed to "imagine"? That the world will live as one?
Do you have any idea how many people in the world there are?
There are over 240,000.000 people living in Indonesia - the most populist Muslim country.
Should we imagine that all 240 million Muslims in Indonesia should be welcomed to live as one in Manhattan with John and Yoko and we're supposed to imagine there are no religions and all these folks are going to live in peace with us?
What %*#$(%# idiots!"

Friday, November 13, 2009

A Special Message From His Holiness, Swami Yaro


Wassup bitches!

A most holy and heartfelt greeting to everyone in this blessed Hai Komanci season.

Hai Komanci is a time for meditation, fasting, and checking out 50 Cent's new album, "Before I Self Destruct," featuring "Baby By Me (featuring Ne-Yo)." Darker and harder than his last two releases, the album is a return to the roots and feel of 50 Cent's debut album, 2003's `Get Rich Or Die Trying', which went on to sell 12 million copies worldwide. On top of that, the Deluxe CD/DVD edition includes a bonus DVD that contains a full length feature film of the same name.

Personally, I'm glad 50 finally walked away from the auto-tuned synth vocals and went back to the sing-song rapping that made him famous. I believe in the spirituality of the universe, and that universe punished his album "Curtis" because it relied too much on chart-ready vocals and guest appearances that diluted his raw delivery.

On track 7, "Crime Wave," he asserts his street knowledge and rhyme genius with the verse:

Pistol pop, drop the top, burn baby burn
Revolvers spin' again and again and niggas never learn
Got an itchy itchy, itchy itchy trigger finger, nigga
So if you hit me then you get me.. I'll be back to get ya
Man, I might bring the homies, that's necessary
See, you might not be worried, but I think you should worry
the bullets come in flurries.. they sting, you know you buried
yeah! I do away with 9 niggas in 9 days
my 9 sprays, wish it, don't go my way
hold it sideways.. fuck around, cause a crime wave


Again, a blessed Hai Komanci season to you and your family.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

UAG

See, This Is How You Do It.

Spotted on the NJ Transit Train from NYC, a fellow commuter has it all figured out:




A) Brown-bagged Coors Light purchased at Penn Station

B) iPod cranking either Pussy Cat Dolls or Steve Earle

C) Wallet opened to show monthly pass for when conductor comes by

D) Blackberry to text mistress/boyfriend that he forgot his Vicodin in the hotel room

E) 9mm gun hidden in satchel for when the wife finds out about mistress/boyfriend and leaves him, taking the house, children, and car and forcing him to live at the local motel with nothing but a meth addiction and a box of KFC.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

Heroes, Episode 2

Brynn and Joanne continue to one-up NBC when it comes to script writing for "Heroes."

BAM! KAPOW! PIFF!

Spotted in the Entertainment Earth catalog (don't judge), a pair of Bat-Cuffs that aren't authentic enough:



Would-be bat vigilantes are advised that attempting to use these to apprehend the Joker's goons will result in pretty quick death.

And kinky Catwoman S&M fetishists will find that they aren't totally in control of the situation after all. Rwaoooor!

Men who wish to dress up as Robin are asked to put on some goddamned pants, for crying out loud. Jesus.

Monday, November 9, 2009

Heroes: The Brynn & Joanne Special Edition

Here's footage of Brynn & Joanne playing dolly with some Heroes action figures, which if you ask me, is far superior to the actual series.

Answers To Friday's "Which Can, Erickson?"

With the answers typeset in beautiful boiled lobster orange:

Friday, November 6, 2009

Oh Dammit, You're Not Going To Do That Stupid "Which Can, Erickson" Bit Again Where People Have To Guess The Toilets, Are You? I Hate That Bit.


Guess the toilet (indicated by a synonym for "dog") with the following locations:

Applebee's, Newark, Delaware
Carolines Comedy Club, NYC
Fat Tuesday on South Street, Philadelphia
Mayflower Hotel, Washington D.C.
Pirate's Den, Brigantine, New Jersey
Quik Trip Gas Station, Peters, Missouri
Quincy Country Club, Quincy, Illinois
St. Louis Airport
Trump Tower & Hotel, NYC

Answers will be revealed on Monday.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

Bill Dow is Indirectly Responsible For This

Spotted in Quincy, IL (????), an ad for a transmission repair place:


This begs several questions:

• They know what a tranny is in Quincy, right?
• So they know that they named their entire business around a tranny joke, right?
• And they know that their target audience probably aren't trannies, right?
• And they can't be completely surprised if someone completely misguided sees this ad with the clip art doctor thinking it's actually a tranny clinic, right?
• Uh, that isn't a real tranny clinic, or is it?
• Why did they have to move?

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

An Utterly Riveting EADJ Entry

The other morning on the jitney to the train, I spotted a weird plant on the driver's pants:



It wasn't weed. But it looked like he had run through some woods or hedges. Or maybe he helped some old lady carry a plant to her car.

Or more likely, it's because he drives the shuttle literally through branches. Watch the bushwacking after he picks somebody up:



Holy crap. This entry is so boring that I don't even want to do a closing thought.

Keyboard Vs. Keyboard, Round 2

In a previous entry, there was a debate about how gross a keyboard at Papa John's was compared to the one I have at work.

Well, I upended my keyboard to show the crumbs and lint inside, so maybe now you'll have to reconsider.




Tuesday, November 3, 2009

EADJ Surprising Hostility: Watercolor Painting


As painting techniques go, watercolor is the no-gear version that thinks it's hot shit. It prides itself not only on its infuriating difficulty but brags on and on about how delicate and spare its textures are. It even requires a special kind of paper to paint upon. Well, fuck that. Fuck watercolor up its difficult, delicate ass. You hear me?

Here's how it works: you dip your brush in water, then you dip it in some watercolor paint that's been diluted a little bit by more water, then you have to move the brush just the right way to create a form, because otherwise there are no do-overs and...SHIT! You messed it up! Try again! Grab another sheet of WATERCOLOR paper (only $14.99 for a pad of 12).


Oh, yeah. Forgot to mention: you have to let some of that paint dry before you begin another stroke, because when working in watercolor, sometimes a wet spot will be contaminated by an adjacent color, then you wind up with an unerasable mix of the two colors, and then you have to grab another sheet of WATERCOLOR paper (only $14.99 for a pad of 12).

When you've finally finished with one after wasting fourteen pads of watercolor paper, you can stand back and look at the colored stain that you've left. Because when it comes down to it, most watercolor paintings are little more than smears that happened to be kind of shaped like something, like a bridge or a fucking basket of strawberries. Hotels in beach towns seem to eat that shit up for some reason. Old people.


Parents seem to think that kids love all kinds of art projects, so they'll often buy them a watercolor set. Then their kid will dip their brush in some water, then dip it in the red circle, then back in the water to make it wetter, then back in the red circle, but some of that water got into the blue circle, so now it's a purple circle, and it's seeping into the red circle, and it got on the brush, so now you're painting a big purple blotch when all you wanted was red...FUCK! FUCK! FUCK! MOTHERFUCKING COCK! Time to grab another sheet of WATERCOLOR paper (only $14.99 for a pad of 12).


And I realize, yes, there are some truly talented artists out there who have mastered watercolor and have possibly made quite a living from selling their beautiful paintings which actually look like things. Well, bully for them, because I sure as shit am not "painting with water" ever again. If you want a semi-abstract picture of some goddamned cardinals, just take a blurry photo yourself. You're the lazy one, see?

Monday, November 2, 2009

An Imagined Conversation.


"Hello, lady! My name Elmo! You want to count to 10 with Elmo? Okay! Hee hee! Elmo start now! One...two...three...four...hey, what you doing? Elmo trying to count to 10 with nice lady with bowie hunting knife.

"That's okay. Elmo start over with lady, okay? Hee hee! Here we go! One... two... AACHHH! Hey! What the fuck?! You cut Elmo in the back of the neck with that knife! That tore Elmo's fur and that hurts like a son of a...ACCCHHHH!

"Lady, you still cutting me with knife! Elmo not like you! Elmo not count to 10 with nice lady...ACCHHH!!! ACHHHHH!!!! ACHHHHH!!!!"

Exeunt

UAG