UAG

The ProofrEADJer: End of Year Edition

The ProofrEADJer: Day After Boxing Day Edition

"excercise"

Now Is The Time For All Good Men To Come To The Aid of Racist Appliances

Click to enlarge if you can't read them, you old codger.

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick Joel

We at EADJ thank you for continuing to read us for whatever reason and send you the brightest and warmest Christmas greetings.

Don't get too drunk.

Some More Available Terrible Porn Names

Congrats on joining the porn industry. We can tell you are a real go-getter and are ready to jump in with gusto (and cum). But first, you'll need a porn name for us to refer to you by. Here's a handy list of available porn names that were never claimed because they're so stupid. Have at it, sport. Pick one:

Him

Obama Kerr

Teddy Fuxpin

Hu Justjoined

Tom Agotchi

Yuri N. Alasys

Higgs Boson

Her

Summa Enchanted-Evening

Roe V. Wade

Priscillascope

Sissy Fuss

Olivia Garden Bottomless Salad

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Calculate 25th Percentile

One instance in which you'll be viewing score percentiles is when you look at school rankings to figure out whether or not you even have a shot at getting in your school of choice. Let's say you're looking at the SAT scores for the Really Prestigious School you're thinking about attending, and you find yourself staring at this information from last year's incoming freshman when you peruse their website:

25th percentile scores for incoming freshmen: 1400

75th percentile scores for incoming freshmen: 1570

What does this mean? 25th percentile means that 25% of the accepted students made a 1400 or below on the test. It also means that 75% of the accepted students scored above a 1400. 75th percentile means that 75% of the accepted students made a 1570 or below on the test and that 25% of the accepted students scored above a 1570

The percentile rank formula is: R = P / 100 (N + 1). R represents the rank order of the score. P represents the percentile rank. N represents the number of scores in the distribution.

And speaking of scores, if you're on a date while riding in my limo, please don't ask me if people have ever had sex in the back of the car. The answer is always yes. Every time. Be safe, kids!

New (Beta) EADJ Segment: Can We Cut The Shit?

Can we cut the shit?

Can we stop showing fake-ass families in commercials, where the mom and dad are obviously 20-something models who've never even fed a baby, much less raised a kid? Can we stop pretending that they haven't just met each other 10 minutes before shooting and that their awkwardness shows through CLEARLY in the footage?

Can we cut the shit?

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are Your Job Numbers For December 2019

Hey guys. This is Mark from the parking deck- you know me from "No, I don't have change for a $50" and "Sorry. I have to charge you for a full 30 minutes. Rules is rules." But for now, I'm the guy that the CEO has inexplicably asked to provide the office with job numbers for your timesheets. And he slipped me an extra hundo for my trouble, so here goes:

26698: Twerking through your fart

42994: Farting through your twerk

02233: Protesting the female Dr. Who like an asshole

71989: Cheating at curling

95735: Peeing into an airplane liquor bottle

48288: Chatting it up with the Minister of Finance

66183: Holding the pickle

30042: Transcribing Don Henley lyrics

57710: Using Google maps to find the Gräfenberg spot

44736: Wearing gold lamé and pulling it off pretty well, I must say

Another EADJ Off-Brand T.P. Round-Up

Lord. How many of these have we had? Don't answer that.

Brand: Rensow Bath Tissue

Brand Imagery: Piss Yellow Label with Ugly Blue Swoosh

Brand Promise: A light swab at your nethers

Feels Like: Straddling a giant Q-Tip made of steel wool

Brand: Prime Select

Brand Imagery: A hurricane symbol?

Brand Promise: A swift, airy cleaning

Feels Like: Pointing a leaf blower at your anus

Brand: Classic

Brand Imagery: Pink abstract decorative swashes

Brand Promise: Softness and class

Feels Like: Wiping your asshole's tears at a rest stop 

Brand: Blank

Brand Imagery: None

Brand Promise: None

Feels Like: A hostage exchange on paper

Brand: Genuine Joe

Brand Imagery: White stripes on a blue band

Brand Promise: Efficiency, and nothing more

Feels Like: Joe hates your ass

UAG

UAG

Today We Asked A Man With His Head Squeezed Between A Woman's Thighs To Explain The Downfall of "Big Box" Stores

"Great question. *huff* Sociologists often refer... uh... to it as the 'Retail Apocalypse'... ouch... ack... wait... which describes a steep decli... AGGHHH! AGGGHHHHH! ...decline in... uh... so-called brick and mortar stores starting around 2010.... JESUS! OUCH! The shift to online shoppi.... Wait, I can't breathe... the shift to... uhh... uhhh.. uhhh...." *dies*

Another List of Shit That's Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Popstar Ariana Grande has built a career on batting her eyelashes and looking adorable. This blog can acknowledge her cuteness but would like to suggest a few things that happen to be way cuter than she. Here are some:

• Any Funko Pop figurine

• Kittens riding tiny tricycles

• Any infant with googly eyes on their forehead

• A slice of Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza on a girl's plastic teacup saucer.

• Rabbits yawning

• Your excuses for not working out

• Granny shots

• Cartoon hockey pucks with arms and legs

• When chimps make that heart thing with their hands

• A Terminator made from Duplo blocks 

• Chip from "Beauty & The Beast"

The ProofrEADJer: December Edition

Some Men Just Want To Watch The World Pathmark