Tuesday, January 31, 2012

A Special Pre-Valentines Day Message From Cement Bird

Cement Bird, as some of you might remember, can only communicate through shitty FWD emails.

----- Forwarded Message ----
From: cialis@2934.kadsf.tv
To: mailinglist@mindspring.com
Sent: Mon, January 9, 2012 9:28:55 PM
Subject: Fw: [Fwd: INSPIRING PHOTOS!!!!!]

The irony of these beautiful photos is that we may never have seen them if the artist hadn't died prematurely at age 57 when his plane crashed on February 6th, 2010.
Carlos Alberto was from Mendoza, Peru, one of the provinces next to the Andes. absolutely magnificent photos
(no content)

Hotmail: Free, trusted and rich email service. Get it now. =

Monday, January 30, 2012

EADJ Explains What's New About The Revised Catholic Mass Texts

Unless you've been a Catholic living under a rock or a non-Catholic, or a Catholic who hasn't attended church in a while which sounds like a whole lot of Catholics I know, you may have noticed that many of the words you've recited mindlessly by rote all your life in Mass have changed since November of last year.

"What's the dilly, yo?" you may ask your priest. The answer is that your Mass is still the same but features new translations of prayers from Latin to English. And since Eat A Dick Joel is your main source of spirituality, here now we highlight the most significant changes in your Mass text:

• "Our Father" now replaced with lyrics from the opening credits for "Land of the Lost"

• The Nicene Creed is now more Niceney.

• The Apostle's Creed is now required by law to be recited alongside a member from Creed (it doesn't have to be Scott Stapp).

• When the priest says "The Lord be with you," you can now say "Ditto."

• General Intercessions now include a common prayer for Katherine Heigl to stop making movies.

• For the first time ever, worshippers are allowed to enjoy a Snickers bar during the service.

• The Epiclesis is explained in better detail during the Anamnesis.

• The Recessional hymn is interrupted by a referee's whistle if anyone tries to leave their pew before the last verse.

Fortunately, the dress code in church has stayed the same:

Friday, January 27, 2012

Coming Soon to Toys R Us: The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit!

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit by Toomy Toy is a great new way for kids who are fans of the "CSI" crime investigation TV franchise to practice being surly forensic lab technicians while the cool kids go run outside with guns and badges!

What better way for computer geeks, science fair geeks, and overweight kids to imagine themselves all grown up and doing the "shit work" of matching DNA from a hooker's missing toe to spattered blood on a district attorney's office wall!

Relive episode 5.3 of "CSI: Miami" where a faceless and soulless lab assistant tells David Caruso that the fingerprints on the stolen gun does NOT match those found on the glass shards in that dead bison's backside!

Have your kids deliver insipid lines like:

"I've swabbed the interior of the suspect's van and found no incendiary residue!"

"The crime scene was contaminated by curious campers, so we'll never get a clear boot print!"

"As a forensic pathologist, I can say with certainty that a bear did not decapitate the mayor!"

"I've cross-referenced the sweat from this headband with the DNA of every member of the state legislature. And nothing!"

"This is a rare breed of caterpillar found only in the southwest region of Jakarta... What can I say? I love bugs!"

The Unenthused CSI Lab Technician Kit will be on shelves early April, just in time for this year's Arbor Day!

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Come On Now, Marc

Put down the goddamned cell phone for one second so we can have a photo of you for this ad in a diner placemat.

Oh, you want to be seen on the phone to demonstrate that you're always working? Good idea, Marc.

But don't you want to straighten you're tie since you're... oh, you're still on the phone? Okay.

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

Fro Goodness Sake, Part 2

As mentioned before, we've noticed the tendency for advertisers to depict African American women with typically big afros, as if that were the only hairstyle in existence for them. Since then, advertisers have completely changed their ways and show a wide variety of hairdos for black women. Just kidding. Here are more 'fros.

As owner and head manager of Min's Beauty Supply, I find it personally insulting that advertisers cannot embrace the whole spectrum of beautiful hairdos for Nubian princesses: the doobie, the jerri curl, the Fantasia, the huge ups, the bing bong, the Mackenzie Crook, the autopilot, the manassas hangdown, to name just a few.

Until these simpleminded ad agencies expand their view of what we black women look like, this will be a struggle that all of us will have to bear.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

The Joel Angel Project: Magic Trick #1

As he promised, Joel stopped consuming penis to come through with a very passable Mindfreak trick after opening the Criss Angel package we had sent to him last month. Luckily for him, this was a trick he somehow already knew how to perform. We are not going to ask any questions.

Execution: 6.5

Presentation: 7

Criss Angel Factor: 8

Secret Behind The Trick: Flesh-colored plastic thumb cover?

Extra thanks to Joel's girl Jamee for documenting Joel's illusion.

Thursday, January 19, 2012

An Imagined Conversation

"Hey, Dummy."
"Don't call me Dummy. My name is Donnie."
"Hey, Dummy, what's the name of that trucking company we use to haul our auto parts?"
"I keep telling you not to call me that."
"Well, what?"
"What's the name of that trucking company, Dummy?"
"Oh. I forget."
"You're useless."
"I do remember that they had a logo of two dolphins fucking."
"I hate you."

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Bee Flips!

If you've ever noticed on the right hand side of this blog, there's a list of our "sister blogs," one of which is called "Bee Flips or Beef Lips." It was a one-joke blog that John Reid and I started way back in 2007 and never updated.

Well, for some reason, called it kismet or karma or coinkidink, I've been spotting a lot of bee flips lately. I sent all these to John, and he proposed that now would be the perfect time to finally update the blog.

I said no. So I'm posting these here on this blog.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Always A Plus

Whenever a retail store uses the word "beyond," "plus," "more" or "things" in their name, I can't help but be suspicious of their motives. I know that a place named "Lampshades Plus" wants you to know that they specialize in lampshades, but sell more than just that, but who's to say that "plus" doesn't mean black tar heroin? Here now we help decode what these ambiguous terms really mean.

"Beyond" = bullshit that will clutter your already crappy bathroom

"Plus" = underage prostitutes

"More" = unaired episodes of "Boy Meets World"

"Beyond" = fingerpuppets that somehow fit your penis

"Things" = AIDS

"Plus" = an old autographed 8x10 of Dick Cavett

"Things" = merchandise rejected by Bed Bath & Beyond for being too chintzy