Thursday, April 30, 2009

No Wonder Everyone's Getting Sick.

Spotted behind a closed checkout counter at Pathmark (yeah, yeah, I know. We don't do that bit anymore): eggs and milk which will PROBABLY be reshelved.

Wednesday, April 29, 2009

Tuesday, April 28, 2009

Monday, April 27, 2009

Applied Mathematics

Many people may wonder, "How big is Kate Hudson in comparison to Sarah Jessica Parker?" Well, we at EADJ have used simple algebra to find out:

We keep Matthew McConaughey as a constant (with a value of X), and we assign a value to Kate Hudson (KH) and Sarah Jessica Parker (HF).

KH(X) = Y*HF(X), where Y is the scale of Kate Hudson to Sarah Jessica Parker.

We overlay Matthew McConaughey on himself, thereby cancelling himself out.
So KH= Y(HF)

We can now see the relationship between KH and HF. We actually had to scale Sarah Jessica Parker down by 5%, so the value of Y=.95. It also creates either a super-hot lesbian movie or something that makes my penis dive into a wood chipper.

Dying Words

An Unseasonably Warm April

Either that, or somebody peeked at the Ark of the Covenant.

Friday, April 24, 2009

Meanwhile, At the Romantic Comedy Poster Conference...

"Okay, well it's a known fact that Pretty Woman was an unqualified success. And I think most of its success could be attributed to the fact that the lead actors were standing back to back in the poster."

"Yes. So should we agree to always put the male and female standing back-to-back in romantic comedy posters?"

"It sounds like a sound idea. Having them stand back-to-back has a certain symmetrical beauty to it."

"I don't know, it implies visually that the two are disagreeing at some point in the movie...Like they're dueling with pistols."

"Well, metaphorically they are, Jordan. The two characters in romantic comedies never get along, at FIRST. But then they always, always, always, find that they love each other. And the back-to-back thing captures that dynamic perfectly."

"My name's not Jordan. It's Keith."

"Well, you look like Keith from marketing."

"Gentlemen... and lady. We must also expand this practice to cover all of Kate Hudson's movies. She has in her contract with Warner Brothers that any movie she is in must have her standing back-to-back with the male lead."

"Wait, I don't see the word 'male' in the contract. Just any lead."

"And since we're on the subject of actors, Matthew McConaughey also has it, but his clearly states 'female' lead."

"Are his female leads required to also stand with their back to Matthew?"

"Doesn't say. But I'm going to assume we have the latitude to mix it up."

"Well, that's a relief. Then we can have fun with it."

"Okay, so this brings us to all Kate Hudson/ Matthew McConaughey movies. Do their contracts strengthen each other or cancel each other out?"

"Well, their agents spoke to each other and told me, 'Fuck the rules.' They said just putting them together is going to be box office gold!"

Thursday, April 23, 2009

Let's Slap a Saddle on the EADJ Mail Sack and Ride It To Cactus Gulch!

Submitted by Beth Stone, a strangely sexually-charged McDonald's paper sack:

It's illegible, but the copy below the provocative headline reads: "At McD's, we serve you the kind of sausage we like to eat, with 0% filters and 0% extenders."

And if that weren't enough proof that Ronald is sporting a chub underneath his yellow pantsuit, here's a recent McDonald's print ad featuring the world's most famous porn star:

A Helpful Hint

Need ideas for a playlist name in iTunes? Look on bathroom walls!

They also make for good mafioso nicknames or something a grandpa on a sitcom would mutter when he hits his thumb with a hammer.

Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Tuesday, April 21, 2009

Every Luxury Car Ad Ever

(Classy but modern but non-threatening electronic music. Think US3 meets Royksopp)

Open on loving shot of luxury car zooming down a desert road.

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: When design meets engineering...

The camera pans lovingly over the luxury car to show another side of it, but instead of a desert road, it is now magically IN A CITY!!!!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: And precision meets art...

The camera continues to pan lovingly over the luxury car to the back. And now the cityscape has magically transformed into a HILLY, WINDING ROAD!!!! HOW DO THEY DO THAT?!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: The result is magnificent luxury, wrapped in the engineering excellence of safety and comfort...

The camera zooms magically THROUGH THE BACK WINDOW into the car interior and over the driver's shoulder. HOLY SHIT, NOBODY HAS EVER SEEN THAT CAMERA MOVE BEFORE!

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Not to mention power. And performance. And handling. And craftmanship.

Cut to smug white guy (or smug white woman) driving. Cut to foot hitting the pedal. Cut to car zooming fast down the road with tiny legal type: "Professional Driver on closed course. Do not attempt. Please obey local traffic laws. Not a real car."

(Music right then kicks into higher tempo classy electronic music– think Justice meets Goldfrapp)

SMUG, OLDER WHITE MALE VO: Add a 4.3-liter V8 engine with Induction Control and six-speed sequential-shift transmission, and you've got yourself the ultimate in luxury sleek styling and...God, I can't do this anymore. It's just a bunch of the same crap words shuffled a different way! It's all so meaningless, the fact that I...


Something I've Discovered About People

No matter where a fountain might be, whether it's in the dining area of a crappy deli, or in Trafalgar Square, or even in a display in a Lowe's Home Improvement Store, people will always want to throw their coins in it.


Monday, April 20, 2009

Friday, April 17, 2009

Dumb YouTube CommentS O' The Fortnight!

From the very popular YouTube page featuring the now-famous Susan Boyle on "Britain's Got Talent," a snarky comment by Fabio2324:

"OMG she is so hot can't wait to see her in 100 hottest women of 2009 :D"

Which is weird, because on his profile page he wrote this:
I love music a lot, it keeps me alive...

once in a while mother nature throws different humans being on our planet earth some of them have unique abilities and super human physique. Many will call it a freak of a nature I would call it the wolf effect

║ O ║♥ music is my life

And a brief comment from 3ricjohnson:

nigga please

Thursday, April 16, 2009

EADJ Song Hate, Second Edition

Today we hate the song "Margaritaville" by Jimmy Buffett.

This is one of those cases in Song Hate where the song itself isn't all that terrible. The tune is pleasant and memorable but WAY corny. It's essentially a country song, when you think about it: Guy on the beach lamenting about a lost love. Simple rhyming structure "cake, bake; salt, fault." Then after pondering all his troubles, the beach bum realizes it's his "own damn fault." Yay.

But all in all, it's an average song, not terribly offensive. But here's the deal: the people who LOVE that song really make me HATE that song. I believe they refer to themselves as "Parrotheads." They're the ones at a bar who get excited as soon as they hear those first five xylophone notes and raise their Coronas. Then they sing it out loud like it's the greatest drinking song ever. They also adopt this "aw shucks," "why can't we all just relax and hang loose" approach to life. But instead of truly being cool and hanging back, they foist that shit on YOU and confront you with why you're the uptight one, because suddenly they've got a license to be a drunken asshole.

True, I've personally been a drunken asshole A LOT. But we're not talking about me, so suck on it. I'm a straight up, traditional drunk. But this here is inexcusable:

So we retire "Margaritaville" to the rafters of time. Take it off the radio forever, take off the grass skirts and let's get back to getting stuck in traffic on the overpass. Amen.

If you really wanted to, you could buy the song here.

Wednesday, April 15, 2009

The ProofrEADJer

I'm just going to post the photos, not make any snarky remarks. Who am I, Jay Leno?

Close up:

Only one sign was corrected after a few days:

Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 4: Tribute

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Woody Harrelson and Brittany Murphy are newlyweds who are suckered into buying a house that is literally FALLING APART! Despite their best efforts, hilarious hi-jinx involving ladders, paint buckets, and a rascally St. Bernard ensue. Special guest appearance by Christopher Walken as a bag lady. Rated G.

What The Movie Was Really About: Brittany Murphy is the granddaughter of a famous actress who allegedly committed suicide. She comes to her grandmother's dilapidated home to fix it up and "flip" it. Jason Lewis plays her comic book artist neighbor who is somehow interested in her. Through a series of dream sequences, Brittany's grandmother reveals that she was in fact murdered! Then they catch the killer and holy shit I'm glad this is the last one.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: Mark Hamill plays a young farm boy named Luke Skywalker who finds two droids that have escaped from the clutches of Darth Vader and say they need to find an "Obi Wan Kenobi." They deliver a message from Princess Leia to him, along with schematic plans of a planet-sized battle station called the Death Star which Leia asks them to deliver to her home planet Alderaan. The group hire a cocky pilot named Han Solo and his Wookiee first mate Chewbacca to take them there. Instead, they find the planet destroyed and get captured by the Death Star. They avoid capture and eventually free Princess Leia. But Obi Wan confronts Darth Vader in order to assure their escape. Obi Wan is struck down, and the group escapes on Solo's ship, the Millennium Falcon. All of them (except Han Solo) join the Rebel Alliance. The rebels study the Death Star plans and find a weakness in its defenses. They plan their attack just as the Death Star discovers where their base is. They blow up the Death Star (with some last minute help from Han Solo!) and are awarded shiny medals at a fancy ceremony.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Yes, once again the handsome male lead fawns over the female lead although she isn't having it, and quite frankly this time is pretty nasty to him. Brittany Murphy (who I hear is crazy) pouts, mugs and overacts throughout this production. And the guy is so wooden you could mount a backboard on him and shoot a few hoops. AGAIN, this is a terribly weak 'love story' and is more about the murder mystery, peppered with some annoying dream sequences of the grandmother's fabulous dinner parties.

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Woody Harrelson: -10 pts for just looking like he's in the poster.

Jason Lewis: +60 pts. My wife tells me he was on Sex and the City. So I'm assuming this is a big step up for him. Go get 'em, champ!

Brittany Murphy:
-80 pts. Not that her star fell that far or anything. The amount is punitive. Plus I hear she's crazy.

Overall rating:

State of My Mangina:
"Slack but Relieved"

Monday, April 13, 2009

Lifetime Nora Roberts Movie 3: Northern Lights

Boy, this was a stinker. Combine terrible acting with poor writing with real life gossip of LeAnn Rimes cheating on her husband with the male lead, and you've got a huge bowl of Suck Jambalaya. Or since this was set in Alaska, Suck Herring.

What I Thought The Movie Was About Based On the Poster: Eddie Cibrian plays a pilot who crashes near LeAnn Rimes' cabin. They're snowed in, so they pull the penis-in-the-vagina trick a few times. Bank shot!

What The Movie Was Really About: Eddie Cibrian plays the new chief of police in the small Alaskan town of Lunacy. LeAnn Rimes is a headstrong but skilled pilot who needs his help solving the mystery of her father's murder. But since it's a small town, everyone is a suspect! Strangely, nobody blames the minority.

What I Wish The Movie Was Really About: LeAnn Rimes possesses the superhuman ability to turn everything to ice just by singing some clich├ęd country songs. Eddie Cibrian shows up to seduce her, but she turns him to ice, smashing him into a thousand crystalline shards. Her vocal chords freeze so that she cannot sing any longer, and a pizza delivery guy knocks on my door with 4 free pepperoni pizzas.

Nora Roberts Excellence: Once again, the female lead is the career-driven aggressor, with the male as an apron-wearing, emotionally-dependent wuss-wuss. Nora Roberts doesn't seem to understand that making female leads strong doesn't mean she has to rip the balls off of her mate. I feel sorry for Mister Roberts, sadly running that Swiffer Duster all over Nora's bric-a-brac.

And is a clip that shows off both LeAnn Rimes' acting chops and Nora Roberts' natural way with dialogue:

----------Celebrity Damage Index----------

Eddie Cibrian: Fart. 0 pts.

LeAnn Rimes: -30 pts. Hoping to parlay her spotlight as a singer into some sort of acting career, she signed up for a Lifetime Original Movie and ended up creating a marital scandal instead. Walmart parking lots are now filled with burning piles of her CDs.

Rosanna Arquette: -60 pts. From her amazing roles in "Pulp Fiction" and "Desperately Seeking Susan" to being reduced to THIS:

Yes, you heard that line of dialogue right: "Somebody hacked an ice axe into his chest and left him there to die."

Overall rating: F

State of My Mangina: "Irritated but Clean"

What Smells Like Lighter Fluid?

Pictured above, the wine equivalent of a skull and crossbones.