Friday, June 29, 2012

How The Mighty Van Halen.

Spotted in CVS, one of the coolest guitar paint jobs in the history of rock 'n roll is relegated to a lousy paint chip for some broadway play Press On nails.

Thursday, June 28, 2012

Come Ride the META-BUS

Spotted in Midtown Manhattan, a bus with an airbrushed painting of ITSELF ON THE BACK.

That's right, bitches. This bus is such hot shit, it wanted its own likeness tattooed on its ass! How full of itself is this bus? That's fucking arrogant and AWESOME.

Even the eagle grabbing a fish out of the lake is amazed by the bus. "Oh, don't mind me, an endangered national bird doing something awesome like fishing from the sky. I just spotted the fucking blue METABUS driving by, with its motherfucking HEADLIGHTS ON IN THE DAYTIME, driving into the dark blue unknown OF ITS OWN PAINT JOB!!!!!! HOLY ASS, THAT IS SOME HOT SHIT!!!!"


Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Twitter's Least Used Hash Tags, Week of June 24, 2012

Here now are this week's least popular Twitter hash tags (feel free to use):


Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Let Me Tell You A Story.

Hey there.

Get comfortable, 'cause I got a story to tell you. Are you comfortable? Good.

People often ask me, Craig, what is the secret to becoming head regional manager at a tech consultancy firm like Teltech?

Others ask me, Craig, now that you've achieved head regional manager at Teltech, the fourth largest tech consultancy firm in the tri-state area, could you share with us some wisdom?

Sure, I say. And I lay some serious knowledge down on them:

If you want to get ahead in life, you gotta be ready to pay your dues.

That's it. It sounds simplistic, but I couldn't be more serious about what I'm talking about. I paid my dues at Teltech for 8 years to get where I am today. And I'm not trying to preach from my high up ivory tower, mind you. I'm trying to give all you younger employees at Teltech a reality check that you're going to have to do a lot of work you don't want to do to get to the point where you can call the shots.

Ah, God. My leg's starting to cramp. Do you mind if I switch legs here?

Now, what was I saying? Ah, yes. That you don't automatically get to swing your hammer the second you arrive at Teltech. Teltech is a true meritocracy, and employees get rewarded for the labor and contributions that they've given to the cause. Every Teltech job I had before achieving head regional manager was loaded with responsibilities and decisions that I would've preferred not to make- heck, even now as head regional manager, I'm not so hot on some of what's on my plate! But you make the best of it and try to make Teltech proud, and in the long run, you'll start seeing the fruits of your labor, and that's what it's all about.

What did you just text to me. A photo? Let me... OH MY GOD MY ASS LOOKS HUGE.

Monday, June 25, 2012

Let's Pull Our Collective Heads Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

This photo was submitted by Andrew Gall via text:

To read more about Myron Noodleman, Prince of Baseball, in this blog, click here.

And this completely unsurprising text message from Mig Ponce:

Friday, June 22, 2012

EADJ Fashion Roundup

Overburdened by two heavy black bags? Why not pass the burden on to two four inch heels? Fuck 'em.

 What's crazier than cutting off your ear and sending it to a prostitute? That tie.
 So this guy is not only riding on the train, he's wearing a jacket with a patch WITH A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT.

A SUBWAY TRAIN ON IT. Oops. That overflowed onto this one. This girl wore such a short skirt to Panera Bread, the rolls nearby rose from the yeast.

Click on this photo to enlarge. Now look at that woman's expression. Exactly, lady.

If you're gonna be top-heavy with a bag and sweater on top of six inch heels in the subway, hell yeah, you better stand in the center of the platform.

Obama. AC/DC. Together. Finally. For some reason. Now.

"Doug, since you're going to such an important meeting, you really should wear that nice suit. And we're not talking just one ponytail cinch. This is a big meeting, so wear two to really dress up."

Rome reople really rink rey ran ralk raround Rew Rork Rity ressed rike Raggy rom Rooby-Doo, rut rey are rerribly ristaken. Eh heh heh heh heh heh heh heh!

 "Where's the other pink armadillo-and-radiator sock to match this pink armadillo-and-radiator sock? Fuck it, I'll wear black socks, but it won't look right."

Tuesday, June 19, 2012

Triscuit Company Proudly Supports Lesbians

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE: Triscuit Co. would like to make an announcement of solidarity and sisterhood with all lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Triscuit Co. is making this announcement independently of their parent company, RJR Nabisco Inc., which in turn is owned by Kraft Foods Inc. Neither RJR Nabisco Inc. nor Kraft Foods Inc. have approved this stand for solidarity with lesbians worldwide.

That's not to say that RJR Nabisco Inc. or Kraft Foods Inc. disapprove of lesbians worldwide. Both corporate entities are simply choosing to not join Triscuit Co. in its announcement. This distinction must be made very clear.

It's not that RJR Nabisco Inc. and Kraft Foods Inc. don't recognize the struggle of lesbians worldwide for equal workplace rights and civil unions. It's just that Triscuit Co. chose to make this public announcement without consulting either corporation.

Not that the fact that the announcement was public had anything to do with it. Wait. No, actually it does. The fact that it has to do with the struggle of all lesbians nationwide has nothing to do with it. RJR Nabisco Inc., Kraft Foods Inc., and Triscuit Co. have definite corporate guidelines to follow when making public announcements like this, but Triscuit Co. for some reason went ahead and made this grand sweeping gesture about lesbians without consulting the other firms, making those two look like bad guys for not going along with.

And while we're on the subject, the Thin Crisps Division of Triscuit Co. actually does not support the struggle of lesbians worldwide. The Thin Crisps Division, which covers Original, Parmesan Garlic, Quattro Formaggio, Sweet Chili, Cilantro Herb and Chipotle, and Applewood Smoked Barbecue, all condemn Triscuit Co.'s rash announcement that the entire company loves lesbians and wants to march with them.

The non-Thin Crisp version of all the flavors mentioned, however DO support lesbians worldwide in their fight for equal civil rights, recognized marriage, and leadership in the workplace.

Oh, to hell with it. Shelley in accounting at Triscuit Co. is out now. You all happy now? Jesus.

Monday, June 18, 2012

How I Eat One Of Those Cracker Sticks 'N Cheese Pack Thingies

1. Chuck that stupid red spreader. Useless.


2. Grab the first cracker stick and scoop a good 75% of cheese substance with it.

3. Grab a second cracker stick and scoop another 20% of cheese substance with it.

4. The third cracker stick is for scraping the remaining 5% cheese substance, thus screwing the other three remaining cracker sticks.

5. Shit.

6. Buy another Crackers 'N Cheese Pack Thingie and dive into the new wealth of cheese substance!

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Thursday, June 14, 2012

Let's Smear Day-Old Guacamole All Over The EADJ Mail Sack!

(Photo is unrelated)


This from Matt S:

I am in the middle of a drawn out battle with a furniture retailer in NJ, and have been given the runaround and been lied to while my son sleeps on the floor because they can't deliver furniture, their only job requirement.

In addition to contacting the BBB and (no one knows this, Fox 5 and Channel 7) I've just made a tumblr blog about this.

Can you push this to your readers? I'd love for it to start making traction!


Thanks, Matt.

We feel for your son because of this travesty of customer disservice, but as a blog that mainly covers terrible movies and dick jokes, I gotta say this might not be the right forum for this issue to air.

Still, in our 6 year history, we have never turned a blind eye to an infant's troubles. Okay, maybe that once. But still, we're with you, Matt, and we'll share that link with both of our blog readers.

Matt, hope this makes up for that time we pantsed you at Busch Gardens that summer.


My apologies to the makers of Adobe Photoshop for the flagrant misuse of their fine product.

Wednesday, June 13, 2012

So You're Pregnant And Betrayed

The first thing you gotta do is ask yourself, how did I get pregnant and betrayed in the first place? What steps have I taken (or not taken) to leave me vulnerable to this pregnancy/betrayal? Is the man who impregnated me the same one who betrayed me? If I let that person impregnate me, did I not also give unspoken permission for him to betray me as well? These are the questions you should be asking.

Of course, if you kept your legs together/cards close to your vest, you wouldn't be finding yourself knocked up and backstabbed. If you had taken the necessary precautions to keep the wrong man from entering your vagina/circle of trust to avoid propagation/double-dealing, you wouldn't have a bun in the oven and be left holding the bag. 

But what's done is done. There is no reason to be stewing in your hormones/disillusionment and looking at what you could have done differently. All you can do now is pick up your uterus/chin and move forward.

But let this be a lesson to you- be more careful before you let a man conceive a child with you/sell you down the river. Don't let that man's sperm fertilize your egg/double-cross you. Here's a rule of thumb: don't let the guy who fucked you fuck you. Fuck you.

Any mother can be an idiot. And obviously any idiot can be a mother.