Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Today's Inspirational Quotes, Courtesy of IG Bikini Models

It's a well known fact that Instagram models are wise and have lived a full life of rich experiences. Here are some of their inspirational quotes that can learn you a thing or two:

"You can't go back and change he beginning, but you can start where you are and change the ending....."

- Elena Belle

"Whatever makes your soul happy do that... what makes you happy?"

- Elena Belle

"Once you learn how to create your own happiness, no one can take it from you."

- Luciana Del Mar

"Choose what makes your heart bloom."

- Luciana Del Mar

"Everything is possible if you just believe."

- Galina Dubenenko

Toddler Fashion

 Pictured below, an ensemble that only a toddler John Legend or Boss Baby could pull off without getting wedgied in half. #LilPimpin

Six Lies Told By The Harbor House "How To Eat Crabs" Brochure

1) "Turn the crab over, belly down and facing away from you." This step isn't necessary unless it gets you off from the power.

2) "Some people enjoy the taste of the 'mustard' and some will pick it away." The "mustard" is some of the best part, dammit! Of course it does look like someone blew their nose inside a crab.

3) The only time crabs has ever brought up on Fox & Friends is when the president described his sexual exploits during the Vietnam War.

4) "Jumbo Lump" is also known as a "FUPA"

5) Making a scared  cartoon crab out of the garnish isn't necessary.

6) The iLoveCrabs Cookbook brings back all your favorite minor celebrities like Hal Sparks and Chuck Nice to riff on crustaceans and to make unfunny seafood pop culture references.

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EADJ and SE Johnson Wax are happy to announce the 6 Lies Told Disinfectant Cleaner. With over 80 strong but natural ingredients, this cleaner disinfects 103% of bacteria and viruses in existence. Available behind the counter at your local Dollar General. Must be over 18 to purchase.

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello, welcome to Satin Dolls Gentlemenses' Club. It'll be ten bucks."

"Okay."

"Enjoy the show. The girls have almost started howlin'."

"Howlin'?! I came for the humpin', actually."

"No. Humpin' ended at 6pm. We've just started the all nite howlin'."

"But it's 5:50."

"Yeah, the girls need ten minutes to clean up from all the humpin' before they get started on the howlin'. So you're catching them pretty much between shows."

"So there's no more humpin'."

"That's what I said. No humpin' until 6am tomorrow, when the new shift begins. If you want humpin', I'm afraid you're going to have to come back tomorrow."

"Wouldn't it make more sense to do the howlin' during the day and the humpin' at night, when more men are likely to stop in?"

"I don't make the rules, chief."

"Is there a manager I can speak to?"

"Look, fella. The only manager here is working the kitchen right now, preparing the profiteroles and apple tarte tatin."

"Apple tarte tatin?! Jesus, what kind of hoedown is this supposed to be?"

"A fucking classy one, motherfucker. You have a problem with classy, then just go across the street to Headliners, where their skanks will hump you anytime but their beignets are pretty much made from frozen."

"Ew, gross."

"Be my guest, motherfucker. I warned you."

"Well, I guess I could go for 12 hours of straight up howlin'."

"That's the spirit!"

Coming Soon to the EADJ Crappinema: The Man From Button Willow

This appears to be an animated romp of some kind.




"A delightfully different, excitingly new adventure in family entertainment!" Translation: leave this on for the kids while you fire up more rock.

The Scourge of Backwards Devil Horns, A Photo Essay

The following are excerpts from the most recent issue of "Wassup" magazine. Or something.




Tragic.