Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit That Marketers Will Have You Say Goodbye To!

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Bye-Bye! Bye!

EADJ: Where Are They Now? Entry 2

 Previous "Where Are They Now?" entry here.

Former 80s swimsuit model Ginger Cuts left the world of fashion to get married and start her own Etsy velcro patch empire. She is currently the reigning queen of unlicensed Ghostbusters PVC patches. 

Vigoro Mulch walked away from a rising career in Hollywood as a leading man and action star to start a pony farm in West Virginia. He currently lives in a cabin with no toilet but with four above-ground pools.

Whatever happened to Chakra Reiki? Her bestselling children's spiritual books are still sold worldwide, but Chakra doesn't collect any royalties. She now runs one of those bars where you throw axes at a wall, and apparently business is doing pretty well. 

Taveta Golden Weaver was widely known as the crown princess of YouTube life hacks, but she got bored after 1 year and is now a Formula 1 racer, having almost placed in the Spanish Grand Prix and is getting ready for the Emilia Romagna GP. We wish her luck!

Herb Stripper was a moderately successful prop comic in the 90s and is credited for creating the "balloons-for-balls" gag that every comic uses nowadays. These days, Herb has taught himself how to pour fancy resin end tables for rich clients. He still performs when he's drunk.

Parabolic Troffer peaked in the NFL with the Pittsburgh Steelers in 2003, having a reputation as a tight end capable of being a dynamic receiver—especially down the field when playing with a franchise quarterback—but that quality came with an inability to handle the blocking demands of the position and with a reputation for dropping passes. Troffer now sings soprano in his church choir and sells his autograph on eBay.

Potty Peg used to be the bitch who picked on you in middle school. Now she's Vice President of a venture capital consortium that just bought out the company you work for—and you're fired. POTTY PEG!

Another List of Shit That's Objectively Cuter Than Ariana Grande

Popstar Ariana Grande has built a career on batting her eyelashes and looking adorable. This blog can acknowledge her cuteness but would like to suggest a few things that happen to be way cuter than she. Here are some:

• Any Funko Pop figurine

• Kittens riding tiny tricycles

• Any infant with googly eyes on their forehead

• A slice of Pizza Hut Personal Pan Pizza on a girl's plastic teacup saucer.

• Rabbits yawning

• Your excuses for not working out

• Granny shots

• Cartoon hockey pucks with arms and legs

• When chimps make that heart thing with their hands

• A Terminator made from Duplo blocks 

• Chip from "Beauty & The Beast"

Yet Even More Perks of the AMC Stubs Rewards Card

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Vince's Uncle Rico In Legal Trouble

This morning before posting another bullshit entry, I got this notice on Blogger:

What was the offending entry that violated the Digital Millennium Copyright Act? This one from November 28 of last year that explained how to forward a personal check:

Now, truth be told, pretty much every Uncle Roberto entry is a lazy cut-and-paste job from another how-to website. So it's interesting that something so mundane as the particular wording of how to forward a check could be considered copyright-protected. Okay, whatever.

Here now is the legally adjusted entry.

UAG

The EADJ Facebook Defriender

 

It's time once again to prune the tree of friendship. Not something we particularly enjoy, but once in a while a Facebook friend becomes so unbearable that it's time to cut 'em loose. This one is L________ from R_____, __ who has regularly flooded my news feed with odd phrases which I soon learned were overwrought lyrics from his favorite songs. Lyrics. Like he's drunk and singing outside my living room window. "Hey, you remember Bob Seger, right? Working on our NIGHT MOVES..."

And sure, everyone is entitled to post their favorite lyric or whatever, but not THE ENTIRE SONG, LINE BY LINE IN SEPARATE POSTS.

And you know he didn't type all that out- ⌘C, ⌘V

I've blurred out his name and replaced his profile pic to protect L______'s identity:

 

 

And I don't have anything against Dave Matthews or Peter Frampton, mind you.

 

So I just picture L______ chilling at home on the sofa with his tunes cranking, and he's on his laptop, typing everything he hears. "Ahh, a nice, relaxing evening of transcribing Dave Matthews, polluting the newsfeed of everyone I know."

 

He'll never love you, the way that I love you 'Cause if he did, no no, he wouldn't make you cry He might be thrillin' baby but a-my love (My love, my love)  So dog-gone willin', so kiss him (I wanna see you kiss him, wanna see you kiss him) Go on and kiss him goodbye, now 


(chorus)
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye
Na na na na  Na na na na  Hey hey hey  Goodbye 

(fade out)

I Enjoyed This Cut To Commercial During The Last "Breaking Bad"

[Spoiler alert]

Strait Trippin'

We had to use a prop straitjacket (yes, a lot of people spell it 'straight jacket,' but they're wrong) for a work presentation (don't ask), and for only $24.99, you get this pretty convincing, wearable straitjacket, starring Joe Baran on the cover.




And of course, the lawyers for Franco Inc. wouldn't let them sell the jacket without a printed warning:


I don't really understand why you can't wear it while sleeping, but whatever. Not wearing it while crossing the street sort of makes sense. And sure, swimming with one on should only be done by Houdini. But driving?! What kind of person would drive with that stupid thing on? I'll tell you who– a raving maniac who needs to be institutionalized.

Also, eating and drinking? "Good God, man, you'll starve to death that way!"

A Letter To the Mead Corporation, Sent Today

Dear Mead Corporation:

I just wanted to notify you of a possible misuse of your corporate identity. The (awful) country music album "Brand New Day" by CNN newsanchor Robin Meade has used a typeface on her name on the cover, making her name appear similar to your corporate logo. You can see what I mean at this link: http://twitpic.com/7acflw/full
You should contact your legal department.







Editor's Note: Special thanks to my designer friend Diego for pointing this out, thus earning him a special custom "Robin Meade" Mollusk Award (scroll to the bottom).

To EADJ His Own

Word on the street has it that Tianna is planning a worldwide tour later this year.

TMZ has confirmed that 4 choreographers, several hundred roadies, and 5 sound engineers have been called to meet on Friday to launch her "Extremely Fluffy Paws and Effekt" tour in October. Also, some visual effects wizards have been asked to create a floating stage that can sustain the weight of a 4-piece band and a 14 ounce Angora rabbit in costume.

Jive Records, Tianna's record label, has not officially confirmed tour dates but has hinted that label mates Chris Brown, Joe, R. Kelly, 3LW, Ciara, Clipse, T-Pain, and Samantha Jade will be sharing a bus with Tianna.

EADJ will report more on this developing story as it develops. Or whatever.