Friday, June 30, 2017

New Segment: EADJ Selections From the Sharper Image Catalog


After 11 years of blogging, Eat A Dick Joel thinks it's time we started featuring products we like. And it turns out 100% of those fine products are coincidentally featured in the vaunted Sharper Image catalog. Here now are our favorite items for sale there:

(Click to enlarge and read)

Thursday, June 29, 2017

Sci-Fi I Haven't Watched

Based purely on the screenshots, Gene Roddenberry's Andromeda is about a group of physically fit space travelers who do nothing but give each other the silent treatment.

Wednesday, June 28, 2017

Three Years After A Forgettable Horror Movie Is Released, An Obscure Blog Continues To Offer Alternate Taglines For the Poster

REAL LIFE FACT: An alternate title for "Avalanche Sharks" was "Snow Sharks."

Because maybe the concept of sharks in an avalanche was too over the top for some audiences.
The Japanese chose to call it "Ice Jaws," which doesn't make any more or less sense.

Tuesday, June 27, 2017

An Imagined Conversation

"And the design for the new Power Wheels racer is here... VOILA!"


"Nice, huh? Focus groups really liked the green, but I thought hot orange would've been the favorite."

"Is... is that a wheelchair?"

"No, this is the new Power Wheels Wild Thing! It says right there on the box."

"Trent, it looks an awful lot like a wheelchair. Do we want kids who aren't disabled to play with a wheelchair?"

"Uh... maybe we got off on the wrong foot here, Bart. This was the winning design according to research. And none of the research groups brought up the fact that this resembled in any way a conveyance for the disabled. Nope."

"I see. Now, is there any way to make this not look so much like a wheelchair?"

"You're not hearing me. No one that we showed this design to thought it looked like a wheelchair. I believe maybe your imagination is working a little hard right now ha ha, right Nancy?"

"Keep me the fuck out of this, Trent."

"Look, Trent. We spent an awful lot of money developing and researching the next Power Wheels Wild Thing."

"I know."

"And the last thing we need is to roll out a product to market that looks absolutely like a wheelchair."

"Okay. You may be right about it looking like a wheelchair after all, Bart. But maybe that isn't a bad thing. Maybe this is a sly way to show people that being disabled isn't something to be ignored or ashamed of. Maybe this is a way for kids to learn to have more empathy for people who are differently abled. And maybe... just maybe this could be the product that brings our company to the forefront of a conversation that our society has ignored for too long: how to empower the disabled so that everyone can contribute to and enjoy society on an equal approach to ability/disability."

"Wow. You made that up on the spot, didn't you?"

"TOTALLY! Pretty good, huh? Okay, we'll scrap this and start over, Bart."

Friday, June 23, 2017

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

This is exactly what one modicum of artistic talent looks like.
(C-3PO would like his fingers back, please)

Now just slap the CNN logo over the rapper's face and you're good.

"You lost the car? The two of you should be ashamed!"

Interesting. I always thought Edward Scissorhands looked like he was going "Booooooyeeeeee" when he held his hands up.

Black Invader Zim is the new Black Bart.

Either this is a photo of the makeup artist trying to apply anti-sag cream or that dude is strangling a woman to death.

Cash. Origami. Martial Arts.
It's perfect.

This is what the inside of a conspiracy theorist's head looks like. The word "gentrifried" is a bonus.

Jay-Z's name isn't even mentioned! YOU GET TO CLOSE THE LOOP YOURSELF!

The midnight fashion show at Pottery Barn was a blurry failure.

Nobody has told these two yet that they have a record deal and that they're on the cover of their own album.

Thursday, June 22, 2017

A Few Retail Stores And The Likelihood That They'll Sell Unusual Products


3-ring binder dividers (pink) with pockets: 90% chance

Contraceptive sponges: 3% chance

Old Navy

Flip flops: 95,000% chance

Pants that don't make you look either effeminate or masculine in ways you didn't intend: 18% chance

Bass Pro Shops

Live bait that screams when you put it on a hook: 67% chance

Nail polish remover: 7% chance

Best Buy

TV with no HDMI but with *both* RCA and coaxial cable ins: 71% chance

A faulty dryer that has 8 lbs of smuggled cocaine inside: 45% chance

CVS Pharmacy

Picture frames with already broken glass: 38% chance

A DVD copy of "Untamed Heart" starring Christian Slater: 93% chance

Hot Topic

Panic! At The Disco tank top: 100% chance

Something your dad would wear: 0% chance

Bed Bath & Beyond

"Washtunes: the washcloth that has a pocket for your smartphone:" 88% chance

Fertility idol that works: 14% chance

Ross: Dress For Less

A wedding gown for under $15: 63% chance

A communicable disease from one of their thongs: 77% chance

Tuesday, June 20, 2017

Even More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Seen

Chelsea: "Okay, our hair is all braided. Now the fuck what?"

Dina: "Are you finished yet?"
Hector: "Ugggghhh. Yep."

Tranquility Base: "What seems to be the problem, Capricorn One?"
Captain Wilson: "Tranquility Base, I thing the Tang is fermented, cuz I am tripping balls here."

Morgan Freeman's Character: "It's odd that we all worked for Bruce Wayne."
Michael Caine's Character: "That's true. How very interesting."
Alan Arkin's Character: "Bruce Wayne? Who's Bruce Wayne? Are you two crazy?!"

Dean (Ferrell): "He was cheating in Blackjack. Rough him up, Sully."
Sully: "You mean, like, shake him, or slap him?"
Dean: "Jeez, I don't know, Sully, try both, okay? You're the muscle!"

Greg: "Sorry, hon. I'm sure we parked around here somewhere..."

Papa Smurf: "Even though we've lived in an isolated village far from humans, we somehow know all the latest pop culture phrases and memes, ain't that right, Brainy Smurf?"

Brainy Smurf: "YOLO, beeyatch! Fidget Spinner Twitterverse Rickroll throwing shade! LOL"

Saresh: "You know how it is!"
Prya: "I sure do!"

Demon 3: "Okay, you found me."

Axton: "I'm going bonkers here, Wilma! I need a motherfucking support animal!"

Dougie: "My penis is erect because of your amazing body."
Candy: "Gross. I'm calling the police."