Monday, March 25, 2013

This Week Of EADJ Entries Is Brought To You By The Foundation For A Better Life

Eat A Dick Joel is proud to announce a partnership with The Foundation For A Better Life in spreading positive, inspiring but unsolicited messages for people of all ages. has been a successful, uplifting ad campaign that has introduced vague ideas of positiveness to confused TV watchers and commuters. Through public service announcements and outdoor billboards, The Foundation For A Better Life has promoted good, nonsectarian values to baffled, unexpecting people across the country.

This week, EADJ has volunteered to promote The Foundation For A Better Life by creating our own inspirational billboards. It is our hope that we too can help confuse thousands of people with cheery, unactionable messages.

Friday, March 22, 2013

From The Studio That Brought You "Battleship" and "He's Just Not That Into You:" "FLEX BELT 3D"

Now that Hollywood is completely out of ideas, having based entire movies on lines of toys and scraps of paper left in Philip K. Dick's bottom drawer, the idea of turning to the pages of the latest issue of SkyMall was a natural next step. 

Paramount Pictures and Universal Studios is proud to present "FLEX BELT 3D" starring Denise Richards, Lisa Rinna, Adrianne Curry and Some Muscled Douche With A Disturbingly Huge Forehead.

T.E.A.M. FLEX BELT is the newest superhero team adaptation- the story of three fairly recognizable C-level celebrities who don magical belts to transform into crime fighting C-level celebrities.

SEE them block the exit to a bank with their hands on their hips to stop a heist!
HEAR the unpleasant velcro sound the belts make when they take them off!
FEEL that one guy's massive forehead- I swear you could balance a keg on it!

Denise Richards stars as Becky Crampon, a sociologist/genetic scientist who uses her tightened abs to defeat ignorance and uninformed hearsay! 

Adrianne Curry stars as Maximillia Kegel, a brassy spitfire Valedictorian from Harvard who bounces at the local bar but wants to clean up the crime of her beloved city with the power of her bleached, shiny taint!

Lisa Rinna stars as Capt. Matrona Cosmeticia, a surgically-altered empath who can read your mind and create powerful forcefields of obscurity around her!

Brian Wade's forehead stars as the front receptionist's desk at T.E.A.M. FLEXBELT'S headquarters. Seriously. Look at that forehead. Banksy could do a mural on that thing.

(click to enlarge the newly released one sheet)

Hell, I'd see that movie.

Thursday, March 21, 2013

Cheryl Can't Find It

"Well, goshdarnit, where is that thing? I just put it in here before leaving the parking lot. I distinctly remember placing it in one of these side pockets before putting on my gloves in the car. Shoot. My keys don't belong there- I must have slipped them right in the bag instead of in my coat pocket.

"Oh, my coat pocket. Let me check there... Nope. A parking pass (gotta remember to get that validated) and a Walgreen's receipt. I know I put it in here somewhere. Jeez, I have to clean some of this stuff out that I've been lugging around for no reason. No wonder my shoulder hurts so much during yoga.

"No. Nope. No. Altoids Smalls... Sarah Brightman CD... No. 

"Oh, for the love of Mike, where the sam hill is that thing? Shoot. Gary totally got it right when he said, 'Cheryl, if your head weren't bolted to your neck, you'd lose that, too.' He so knows me. But I know I've got it in here somewhere.

"Wait. There's where I left my Nature Valley Bar. Mmmm. The cinnamon ones are my favorite!

"Wow. A ticket stub to Dragon Heart?! How old is that?! Lordy.

"What are you looking at?! I'm trying to find something in my purse. Mind your own business, lady. So nosy.

"I really should get a smaller bag. Or organize the pockets in this one. A nail file, great. A phone charger for a Palm Pre. I don't even own that anymore... No...

"BINGO! FOUND IT! Coupon for $5.00 off any regular size pizza at Pizza Hut! I knew I had it here! Win!"

Tuesday, March 19, 2013

Let's Boost The Visibility Of The EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by John Reid, what appears to be a doppelganger of me in a white down coat.

"So many Asians with camera phones."  -J.R.

Monday, March 18, 2013

EADJ Was Brought To You Today By Abpa Shaving Gel

Got sensitive skin? Try Abpa Shaving Gel. For the ultimate closeness and ultimate comfort, you can't beat Abpa. By Nennem.

Friday, March 15, 2013

Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Lobsterfest- You Know It, I Know It.

Editor's note: Since EADJ Lobsterfest entries have lately required the imbibing of alcohol, it was a natural next step that this one was created at a bar. David and Andrew drank at the Snickers Bar on State Street in Chicago last night, and with the help of two Stratosphere Dongs (whose ingredients are whiskey, Sprite & grenadine, remember) and the Dragon Dictation app on David's phone, they created the entries below.

Please keep in mind that the bar was very noisy and both David and Andrew were slurring by this time, so this is what the Dragon Dictation app spat out:

David: Take all the contractor and the tractor pulls great full of lobster meat across the street and then everyone comes the great and going to eat lots of crap that you get a couple dollars for it that's what terrific way to do it lobster red lobster fest at red lobster

Andrew: You're brought lobster by man wearing a long time Hawkhurst looks to be a tie for their inspection revealed Thai is entirely made of lobster Princetown encouraged Fissler the time off back by the time you get up closer than other regions of his face notice that this is actually painted white going to the that point they realize that you're actually Extrano for movie called Scalo lobster directed by David Platt straight to DVD so you can do a lobster around his neck and realize that you actually been giving pickiest Mashit lobsterman's with shallots

David: So I just found a way to reduce and make lobster meat microscopic to the point that you could create several gunships out of lobster meat ticket event this silicon chips of lobster meat into an electronics from there the computing can get only faster transistor radios iPods even leaving CB radios are made faster by this new technology the government tries to seal the button away from you but instead you turn all rights over to your local red lobster where they make the profit to pay you maybe 2% of it now that's one way to enjoy lobster at red lobster lobster fest y'all

Andrew: So we all know the way that hipsters like door at red lobster in on the fun counteroffer lobster Holdaway
Meeting shape Pat Hanna lobster with manly read and think that looking where to show their support for websurfer love you up for the unfortunate thing about the other non-thought out plan of this idea is that number one the bees invidious number two there assembled and I red lobster restaurants with overworked employees already have to much to do lobster at the lobster Deanza Furla to get Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead resulting in really

David: You play chess with his 12-year-old it's well-built beat you 20 times out of 50 was me that you would most the time so you Salabay Viene lobster invited 12-year-old to come join you at the restaurant but disease too young to drink you get drunk as he flops are watching it totally wasted one way to joy Lochshire Ludloff Sarala Mellotts about

Analysis: It seems that the beginning of each entry makes sense but quickly devolves into gibberish, either because of David and Andrew's rambling or because the Dragon Dictation app starts breaking down in a noisy environment.

Possibly the most remarkable but unintentional finds:
Deanza Furla
Steerhead Isabel Chopperhead
Pat Hanna

Feel free to use any of these as iPod playlists or vanity plates!

Tuesday, March 12, 2013

The Frick Collection

The Frick Art Reference Library located in the former mansion of famed industrialist Henry Clay Frick is frickin' proud to announce The Frick Collection, featuring the most frickin' exceptional frickin' works of Western art every frickin' created. Ranging from the frickin' Renaissance through the frickin' late nineteenth century, the collection includes paintings and frickin' sculptures by celebrated artists such as Bellini, Fragonard, Houdon, Ingres, Manet, Monet, Rembrandt, frickin' Renoir, Titian, Turner, Velazquez, Vermeer, Verrocchio and frickin' Whistler, for cryin' out loud.The Frick Collection's galleries also contain fine European porcelains, Limoges enamels, and frickin' eighteenth-century French furniture. The frickin' permanent collection is further enriched by frequent presentations of frickin' special exhibitions. 

Members of the Frick Collection receive many special frickin' privileges. They enjoy unlimited free admission to the frickin' museum, including special exhibitions; discounts in the frickin' shop; a subscription to the Member's Frickin' Magazine; and invitations to openings and other special frickin' events. PHone 212.547.frickin'. 0707 for further information or to join.

Monday, March 11, 2013

The EADJ Defriender, Dirty Dancing Edition

In real life, I'm a pretty easygoing guy. My close friends are important to me, and because I care so deeply about them, any missteps or quirks that they have are happily ignored.

But with Facebook friends, it's different. Since I'm so indiscriminate with my FB friends (I have over 500 now), I can be a total asshole and dump them at the drop of a hat.

Such is the case with Tr______ _______ from ________. I knew Tr______ from _________ and haven't seen her in person in about, what, 25 years? Here was a recent wall post of hers that convinced me to sever all ties:

"Nobody puts babe in the corner?" What the fuck, Tr_____?!

If there is one thing I cannot abide, it's GETTING THE MOST FAMOUS QUOTE FROM A MOVIE WRONG. Fuck, especially if you pride yourself in knowing the script WORD FOR WORD.


And it's in A corner, you moron, not THE corner. For crying out loud, Tr_____. Goodbye forever.

(I replaced Tr_____'s profile photo with a shot of beef jerky to protect her identity.)

The Public Library

The children's section at the public library has a section inviting kids to throw together whatever craft project they were working on into a tray to be posted prominently on the walls.

So naturally, I couldn't resist. But I did stop short of drawing an actual dick. Come on, people.

Stay tuned as to whether this masterpiece finds its way onto the public library wall. If it does, that's totally going to be the EADJ masthead for two months.

Friday, March 8, 2013

6 Lies Told By The Subway Nutrition Pamphlet

1) Subway doesn't usually serve philodendron leaves in their sandwiches. Well, maybe if they're out of lettuce.

2) Onions aren't in every single salad and sandwich. Unless that's what you want. Why do you like onions so much, by the way? Get away from me, Onion Lover.

3) Subway failed to mention the best "right choice," which is to not eat at Subway.

4) Middle column. They ran out of things to limit after oil because they just gotta have that double meat. Wink wink.

5) The 6" Turkey Breast is mistakenly under the heading "sandwich."

6) It turns out that Jared had never eaten the Italian B.M.T.® to lose the weight he lost back when he had lost some weight. He did, however, use it to prop open the door when the Dominos delivery guy would stop by to rub his shoulders. Nothing sexual or anything.

EADJ is proud to announce that the "6 Lies" series has been picked up by the Starz network for an original 14-episode season. Jay Baruchel, Blair Underwood, and Gemma Arterton have been in talks to star as the numbers "3," "4," and "6," respectively. Keep watching this space for the latest casting news! Starz. Taking You Places™.

Thursday, March 7, 2013

Vince's DVD Drawer Was Thrilled

Vince's DVD Drawer was thrilled (submitted by Andrew).

Two toasters were pretty psyched, too.

Cardboard Backing was not as enthused.

Park Bench and Two Light Spots On The Pavement gritted his teeth and tried to muster up some enthusiasm about it.

Stress Sweat Graphic couldn't snap out of his funk, however.

Parking Meter knew everything was gonna work out okay.

Dangling Public Trashcan Lid was not as optimistic.

Sink Scrubber Holder grumbled that it didn't matter.

Two Razors laughed their asses off.

Theatre Holiday Lights smiled creepily from the back of the room.

Dozens of Apartment Vents sat in neutral silence.

Elevator Railing and Venting also held his tongue.

Weird Receipt Clip felt depressed, quite frankly.

Bus Tail Light was scared out of his mind.

Hallway Dumpster Hatch didn't feel a thing.

Ceiling Insulation and Piping also felt nothing.