Friday, August 29, 2014

Happy Labor Day Weekend From EADJ

Childbirth is an exciting, exhilarating new stage in your life. Your body will go through a harrowing but ultimately rewarding transformation from woman to child bearer. This transformation is known as labor.

Your contractions- as they get closer together- will herald your new life, both literally and figuratively. Stay attuned to your body's signals as you enjoy the natural drum roll that is labor. Feel the way your body seizes up and your pulse quickens as your uterine muscles begin pushing that placental miracle towards your vaginal opening. Also, pay special attention to the acute new feelings of elastic agony that your labia majora and labia minora encounter as they're stretched to the limit. Burn a candle.

Wait, this weekend isn't about that? Oh, right.

***UPDATE*** I already made this lame joke five years ago! I'm finished creatively!

Thursday, August 28, 2014

The EADJ Pun Cops: Paul Blart Edition

Hey folks. Paul Blart, Mall Cop here. Just patrolling and canvassing the Burlington Mall from the Orange Julius to the JC Penney, making sure your retail experience is safe and drug-free.

What's that?! I hear a commotion over by Perfumania! To the Segway!


"Better latte than never." Well, that's not really a C48 violation, per se. More like just lazy writing- latte doesn't even rhyme with late. I'm letting them off with a stern warning…OUCH! I just stubbed my toe on this planter! Now my pants fell down!

Wait! I spot something over at the daycare center across the street!

Awww. "O-'fish'-ally." The quotes around the word "fish" really make this a darling, acceptable pun. And just look at the terrific colors on that display! I can't get mad at this… OWWWW! I just walked into a streetlamp! Now my pants fell down and I lost my gun!

Oh, look. Something over at the supermarket next door. Better investigate.

"Instore?" Is that even a pun? That's not even a real word! Stop & Shop needs to hire a proofreader. Either that or start hiring people with high school diplomas… GAAAHHHH! I just walked into a steak knife display, and now my intestines are pouring out, and my pants fell down! Hoo boy!


Now THIS is a bad pun! Yes, finally! Uber, you are in clear violation of Mall Code 34.7. This is a terrible pun! I'm going to enjoy hauling you to the Mall Police Headqu… AAAAAHHHHH! I just slipped on a puddle of ice cream and landed head-first between an 80-year-old woman's boobs! And she's lactating! AAAAAAHHHHH! My pants fell down!

Sir, excuse me, sir? Do you mind coming with me? Where are you from? Appleton, Wisconsin? That's Green Bay Packer country, right? Well, that might explain your AWFUL SHIRT with a deplorable pun and an old reference from "The Office." Very fresh. I'm going to have to ask you to leave the ma…GAAAHHHHH! I just stepped into a vat of hot chili! Now I've scalded my legs up to my thigh, and my pants somehow fell down OUTSIDE of the vat of hot chili! Who put this vat of chili by the fountain, anyway? So unsafe.

Oh man. I think I'm going to hyperventilate. This is such an amazingly bad pun. Can't breathe. I'm going to have to lie down next to the edge of this railing hanging over the fireworks kiosk. That feels better. I can just lie here for a couple of minutes and… WHOOAAAAAAAAAHHH IIIIII'MMMMM FAAAAAALLLLLLIIIINNNGGGGG!!!!!!!

(Directed by Steve Carr)

Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Burning Questions

1) Who is Big "D?"
2) Is Big "D" a company or a man?
3) If it is a man, why does he go by "Big D," rather than the nice name like Douglas or Donovan that his mother gave him?
4) Is he big like muscular, or fat?
5) Is Big D not a U.S. citizen, or was that part of the sign redundant?
6) If he is not a U.S. citizen, is Big D's healthcare paid for fully, in case he gets sick or in an accident?
7) Does Big D look down on the USA for not adopting truly universal healthcare, like other First World countries?
8) What time is his break?
9) Is there a "Missus D?" If not, why hasn't Big D found the right woman yet? Or is he gay?
10) If he is gay, does Big D resent or appreciate all the big dick jokes he gets all the time at bars?
11) Why doesn't Donovan call his mother once in a while instead of frequenting gay bars every night?

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

We Don't Really Need Another Off-Brand TP Roundup, Do We?

Just a small one, then? Fine.

Brand: Blue Ribbon
Label: A blue ribbon, duh.
Feels Like: Sprinkling sand on a lathe and then straddling it.

Brand: Unknown white label brand
Label: Picture of a polar bear skeeting cocaine onto a giant tooth
Feels Like: Rutting a pine cone whilst riding a bumpy luge.

Brand: Greenlane
Label: Green disco lettering
Feels Like: Hiding the Necronomicon between your ass cheeks.

Monday, August 25, 2014

Friday, August 22, 2014

Another Unsolicited Google Photo-Thingy

A few months ago, Google saw fit to add some gimmicky bonus bullshit to a perfectly mediocre EADJ entry. Today, we received another alert that Google did this unasked-for shit again:

See that "Mix" button? If you click it, NOTHING HAPPENS. That's because all the photos of Vince's Uncle Roberto are ALL IDENTICAL. So there's no animation to make, Google geniuses. Here, check it out for yourself.

Thursday, August 21, 2014

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

You know you're really living when you're getting a parking lot blowjob from a Hawaiian Tropic cardboard standee.

A popular way to prepare broiled emcees is to boil them still in their askew baseball hats, allowing your guests de-hat them for themselves!

I can't tell if Ces Cru is stripping this girl of her ego or if she is a stripper with a huge ego already. NEEDS MORE INFORMATION.

"Theart Breaker?" I just s'd in my pants. 

"Okay, guys. Very funny. Joke's over. Now where are you, where's my wallet, and how did we all end up in Prague?"

Really lazy mix tape designers sometimes just visualize a wishlist of stuff they want. Kind of like the old shopping segment in "Wheel Of Fortune" reruns.

Khaled didn't get that super-soldier body naturally. A secret government agency altered him with Ho-Hos and years of neglect.


Meanwhile in China, they're cranking out cheap knockoffs of this mixtape. Hurr hurrrr.

Dear, Jesus. Thank you for not using the classic "see and say" here.

It's not really considered cool to use a colored-in kid's placemat from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor for your mixtape cover without prior approval from $hmopcity Pizza Parlor.

"We gon' BO'LING FO' SO'LS!"

Monday, August 18, 2014

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Stand Up Paddleboard

Stand up paddleboarding (SUP) offers a fun, relaxing way to play on the water. With a minimum of gear, you can paddle ocean surf, lakes and rivers—no waves required! Here's how to get started:

1) Carrying your paddleboard to the water

Most stand up paddleboards- or SUPs- have a built-in handle. Just lean the board on its rail (edge), reach for the handle (a grip in the middle of the board) and tuck the board under one arm. Carry the paddle with your other hand.

2) Mounting the paddleboard

When you're new to the sport, it's best to start out in flat, calm water that's free of obstacles like boats and buoys. At first, you may find it easier to kneel on the board rather than to stand upright. Here are the steps to get you started:

• Standing alongside the board in shallow water, place your paddle across the deck of the board and use it as an outrigger. The paddle grip is on the rail (edge) of the board; the blade rests on the water.

• Hold the board by the rails. One hand will also be holding the paddle grip.

• Pop yourself onto the board into a kneeling position, just behind the center point of the board.

• From that kneeling position, get a feel for the balance point of the board. The nose shouldn't pop up out of the water and the tail shouldn't dig in.

• Keep your hands on either side of the board to stabilize it.

Once you're ready, stand up on the board one foot at a time. Place your feet where your knees were. You might also bring a friend to help stabilize the board as you get the hang of standing on it.

3) Techniques on the water: your paddleboard stance

To maintain your balance as you stand upright on the board:

• Your feet should be parallel, about hip-width distance apart, centered between the board rails (edges). Don't stand on the rails.

• Keep toes pointed forward, knees bent and your back straight.Balance with your hips—not your upper body.

• Keep your head and shoulders steady and upright, and shift your weight by moving your hips.Your gaze should be level at the horizon. Avoid staring at your feet.

• Much like bicycling, when your forward momentum increases, your stability increases as well.

And speaking of balance, if you've been riding in my limo with a bunch of friends for a bachelor party, and it's time to pay the balance, please do me a favor and agree to put the balance on ONE CREDIT CARD rather than whipping out a bunch of different credit/debit cards and asking me to put 28% on the Discover card, 13% on the Diner's Club and the other 59% divided by seven Visas. Please. Be smart, kids.