UAG

Here Are Your Job Numbers For February

Hey guys

Sorry to be the bad guy, but Donovan in accounting is really riding me to get everyone to fill out their timesheets by EOD today, and you know how it is- if we can't bill 'em, they can't pay us! So PLEASE take a moment to find your job number in the following list, fill out your timesheets and notify me ASAP (and remember, you have to hit 'SUBMIT' for it to register!)!

Don't make me stalk you guys!

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93473 - Kicking ass (without taking names)

89821 - Arguing that ALL LIVES MATTER

18330 - Eating KFC cole slaw

66289 - Pretending to know who Chrissy Teigan is

01192 - Checking Tinder while masturbating

47331 - Blowing your nose into a wig

83228 - Finding the good in people

54341 - Trying to find a word to rhyme with "Hannity" for a rap

18214 - Doing drop sets

91116 - Explaining "Damn Daniel" to anyone over 30

44417 - Sampling heroin

03403 - Being an inspiration for young girls and women everywhere

10932 - Reheating stew

UAG

The EADJ Pun Police: Riot Cop Edition

Hoo boy. They're a lot of them out there, Chad. We better stand shoulder to shoulder like Capt. Wilson said we should. Man, there's a lot of them. Here they come.

'"Once A Pawn A Time?' Whoa, pretty bad. But harmless, really. That horse looks like it's blowing the king, though. Back behind the barricades, please."

"'The steaks have been raised.' That doesn't make any sense. Pretty lazy copywriting there. Come here, you!"

*Body checks with riot shield, sprays with mace*

"I don't know if you can read this past your riot helmet, but it says 'BEETS DON'T KALE MY VIBE.' That is OUT OF LINE, mister!"

*Hurls canister of tear gas into the middle, mounts a horse*

"Oh man. Really?"

*Shoot dead*

"Oh my God. There are too many of them. THERE ARE TOO MANY OF THEM!!!! Back the line up! We're losing the line in the crowd! Holy shit, push them back! PUSH THEM BACK!!! They've taken the horses! Those fences are useless! Oh God, they're taking down the telephone poles! RETREAT! Throw everything you got at them, but pull back, goddammit, PULL BACK! Where's my radio? Duncan, use your radio to... OH GOD, DUNCAN! So many... HOLD THE LINE ON THE LEFT, IF YOU CAN!!!! MAKE A... They're throwing bottles now! Shields! Oh God oh God oh God..."

Spotted On Facebook

A new species of humanoid that communicates mainly via meme:

Every Luxury Car Commercial Voiceover

You know the voice. The smug white guy voice belonging to a well-known actor that reads the voiceover with a smile in his delivery like he just fucked your wife on YOUR BED.

That confident voice can describe abstract concepts like innovation, engineering, or luxury, or more concrete (but boring) features like an aspirated 5.0-Liter V8, adaptive steering, or predictive forward collision warning. And by the way, he just fucked your wife on YOUR BED.

Man, do you want to slap that guy once he steps out of the recording booth. But you can't. Because he's already jetting to Ibiza on a G6 using a flute of champagne to wash YOUR WIFE'S PUBES off his dick.

This entry sponsored by your local Lexus dealer.

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Timbaland tries to look badass or menacing with the Stanley Kubrick stare but just ends up looking drowsy.

Looks like the judges on "The Voice" are really tough this season.

I thought it said "Trump" for a second there, but thankfully it just says "turnup."

Father Younge was full of wisdom but had no idea how to get the giant mustard stain out.

I can't improve on this one. As is.

Selsun Blue will take care of that, Sean.

Mr. Lif's wallet was stolen almost immediately.

I know this isn't hip hop, but how can I resist something that says "Furtwängler?" "Furtwängler!"

The outskirts of Salt Lake City is an excellent place to off yourself.

Sure, it's a square comic book, but I'd buy it.

The ProofrEADJer, Latter Half of Black History Month Edition

This one submitted by an "Andrew Gall" of Seattle, WA:

And this organizational chart by Kanye West is chock full of typos.

Click to enlarge:

Dawn Of The Racist Appliances

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Death, taxes, and the last panel being a remote oil rig.

Wait. How did his laptop turn into a desktop computer?

Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of Feb. 15

The following hashtags have not been used on Twitter much this week. Or ever.  Knock yourself out:

#CapriSunimplants

#underusedmemes

#Obamaspazzingout

#kidneystonebling

#kanyewestwisdom

#sarahmichellegellar

#GoldenCorralbreakups

#giantwaxfigureofCaillout

#kiasorrentopussymagnet

#ilovemyupstairsneighbors

#sufferingfromfeeling3rddegreeBerns

#cleaningmyearwithanicepickonthetrain

UAG

Here Are The Terrible Things That Will Befall You If You Fail To Collect All Four Slurpee Mustache Straws At 7-Eleven

Convenience store chain 7-Eleven is hopping to attract hipsters with its new Slurpee mustache straws ($0.99 each) and plastic mason jar mugs ($2.99 each). Many of their stores' front windows display posters say "COLLECT ALL FOUR!" But what they don't tell you is what would happen to you if you didn't collect all four mustache straws. Beware!

• Your balls will fuse into one big ball, then fall off.

• Everything you recorded on DVR somehow becomes recordings of "Whitney."

• You will develop unpoppable acne on your eyeballs.

• Pizza Hut pizza will somehow start tasting good to you.

• Your own mother won't recognize you, thinking you're that bearded fat guy from "Home Improvement."

• You'll wake up with a full back tattoo that reads "YOLO - NO RAGRETS"

• Every job interview you go on will end with you calling the HR person "Tango Tits."

• You will lose every game of Monopoly that you'll ever play (okay, no difference there)

• Every time you cum, you'll also vomit two gallons of bile.

• The only people you fall in love with will all somehow be ISIS operatives.

• All of your credit cards will be declined except for your Discover card, which you can't get rid of.

• Coconut will taste like meringue to you. Meringue will taste like shaving cream.

• You will wake up as a loyal 10 year Comcast customer.

20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

In an earlier segment back in 2014, we told you how Ariana Grande presents herself as the most adorable doe-eyed singing, blushing baby cat on the planet, but over a year has passed, and it's time to add to the list. (Do keep in mind that as Ariana gets older, this list will grow really fast.)

Here's the latest list of stuff cuter than Ariana Grande, much to her adorable dismay:

1. lobsters with booties on their feet

2. midgets dressed like Frankenstein

3. happy ducklings with little top hats on

4. Bing trying to convince you that it's a successful search engine

5. the way Anthony Hopkins says "cunt"

6. a cartoon whistle

7. a cat trying to eat a taco

8. those little chimneys that stick out of port-a-johns

9. twins sneezing

10. that old flying toaster screensaver

11. blooper reels

12. old men wearing rugby shirts

13. mice getting married

14. Godzooky

15. cake toppers

16. Taylor Swift (oooh burn!)

17. yogurt bites

18. college-age testicles

19. Welsh corgis

20. Manowar's second album Into Glory Ride (1983)

The ProofrEADJer: President's Day Weekend Edition