A Couple of Burning Questions About the Rite Choice Realty Billboard From Yesterday, Answered Today

Yesterday's entry here.

2) That woman is Michelle Gomes, real estate broker and OWNER of the business. Not sure why she seems uncomfortable. Maybe she was busy closing a sale and they photographer was taking too long snapping her photo. Like, GET ON WITH IT, DANIEL.

3) The ad is partially white because according to the realty website, the office makes generous and tasteful use of white in its interior, punctuated by black signs and chairs.

4) Not mafia owned or run. Mrs. Gomes is all above board. I'm sorry I implied it. Please don't come after me.

6) NOT a bad media buy if the realtors got FREE PUBLICITY from this very blog. They got TWO ENTRIES from us, FOR FREE!'

Jack Bauer, Pun Cop

The following takes place between 11:00am and 12:00pm.

Events occur in real time.

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong...

"Chloe, I need you to decrypt the files I've taken from a thumb drive I picked off a terrorist's corpse."

"Scanning, Jack. Uploading the first three."

"Hmm. Nothing there. Just lazy food-related puns. This isn't the information we need to stop the virus bomb, Chloe. What else have you got? I need something I can act on."

"Stand by, Jack."

"Is that a real beer? Jesus."

"It was found by an agent Barry Flanik, sir."

"I don't know who that is. Send me more as it comes, Chloe, I have to rappel off this bridge."

"Chloe, what is this?"

"It's a screenshot from a news program, Jack."

"I know that. These puns are getting worse. We have to locate that virus bomb, Chloe!"

"I'm doing my best, Jack!"

"'Squeeze the Day?!' 'Give Peeps a Chance?!' Things are way worse than I thought they were, Chloe. This effects the whole damn city. We have to triangulate where the signal is coming from and tell the police to evacuate from a six block radius!"

"Dear God. They've gotten an entire city bus. Move move move!"

"Jack, here comes another one."

"Chloe, I can't read that. I've been shot in the stomach. Lost a lot of blood. Tell me how bad the pun is."

"Pretty bad, Jack. There were two of them. Okay, I've isolated the signal and have pinpointed the location along with another file! Uploading now!"

"Is that even a pun, Chloe? Railroads use ties, not rivets. I think that one is a reach."

"Sorry, Jack. I'm just a little frazzled trying to type while being shot at in the Turkistan embassy."

"Just stay cool, Chloe. I'm sure the S.W.A.T. team is on the way."

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

"What the hell is this, Chloe?! This is no good! It's a six month old signal, from CHRISTMAS!!! WE'VE LOST THE TRAIL!!!! DAMMIT!"

Bing bong, bing bong, bing bong, bing bong…

The Amazing "Lazaretto" Ultra LP

On June 6, Jack White & Third Man Records unveiled the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP, which is a vinyl record with a ton of amazing innovations:

• 180 gram vinyl
• 2 vinyl-only hidden tracks hidden beneath the center labels
• 1 hidden track plays at 78 RPM, one plays at 45 RPM, making this a 3-speed record
• Side A plays from the outside in
• Dual-groove technology: plays an electric or acoustic intro for “Just One Drink” depending on where needle is dropped. The grooves meet for the body of the song.
• Matte finish on Side B, giving the appearance of an un-played 78 RPM record
• Both sides end with locked grooves
• Vinyl pressed in seldom-used "flat-edged" format
• Dead wax area on Side A contains a hand-etched hologram by Tristan Duke of Infinity Light Science, the first of its kind on a vinyl record
• Absolutely zero compression used during recording, mixing and mastering
• Different running order from the CD/digital version
• LP utilizes some mixes different from those used on CD and digital version

Video here:


And a mere 5 days after the release, even more secrets of the "Lazaretto" ULTRA LP have been discovered/announced:

• Listeners have reported that playing the track "Temporary Ground" makes all dogs who hear it ejaculate
• The record has "anti-scratch" technology, meaning that any DJ who tries to scratch it on their turntable breaks out in hives and terrorizing visions
• Record sleeve doubles as a taco shell
• Cover artwork is printed with special narcotic ink that can be distilled and shot directly into one's veins
• A separate LP can be purchased featuring the drum track recorded by Meg White and is surprisingly more listenable
• Can be hung from the ceiling as a beautiful but ineffective dreamcatcher
• Is 4" wider than a regular LP, forcing you to buy a new bookcase, goddammit all
• Actual pieces of wreckage from the RMS Lusitania are embedded inside each vinyl record. Collect all 400,000 copies of "Lazaretto" to rebuild the legendary ship yourself!
• Playing the album 100 times will summon Jack White to your house, where he'll brag and say douchey things about other musicians before doing a live set in your living room, caterwauling and pretending that he invented the blues.

To EADJ His Own

Word on the street has it that Tianna is planning a worldwide tour later this year.

TMZ has confirmed that 4 choreographers, several hundred roadies, and 5 sound engineers have been called to meet on Friday to launch her "Extremely Fluffy Paws and Effekt" tour in October. Also, some visual effects wizards have been asked to create a floating stage that can sustain the weight of a 4-piece band and a 14 ounce Angora rabbit in costume.

Jive Records, Tianna's record label, has not officially confirmed tour dates but has hinted that label mates Chris Brown, Joe, R. Kelly, 3LW, Ciara, Clipse, T-Pain, and Samantha Jade will be sharing a bus with Tianna.

EADJ will report more on this developing story as it develops. Or whatever.