5 New Pokémon And What They Do

(For illustrative purposes only. The new Pokémon aren't pictured here.)

Okay, Pokémon trainers, get your Pokéballs ready to catch these 5 hot new Pokémon! Ready, set, GO!

• Barbacoa: helps you pick ingredients at Chipotle/shoots fire from its glands

• Dinspiro: convinces you not to go out even if all your friends are going/leaves puddles of pus

• Ecodubios: converts doubt into renewable energy/doesn't really

• Comatoast: lies immobile and unconscious/is actually dead

• Jibberhunk: can locate the perfect emoji instantly and even has the Yen symbol (¥) and the paragraph symbol (¶) at the ready/drains you of all happiness

 

Today We Asked The Riders of the NJ Transit Customer Satisfaction Survey Where YOUR Lost Chapstick is

You lost your Chapstick. We asked them where they think it is.

Jesse: "Maybe in your car's cup holder? No wait, you take the train. Duh!

Jess: Have you checked your purse? Like all the side pockets, too?

Angie: I bet it's washing in the laundry as we speak.

Trina: You and I hooked up last night. I think it's inside me.

Don With The Thumbs: Oh, that was YOUR Chapstick, dude? Gross!

Simon Peter: Never mind that. Have you heard about NFTs and how its investment potential is blowing up? 

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Shiv Monkeys

• Real Estate Typhoon

• Four Mothers and an Italian Son Who Won't Move Out

• Juggalo Lawyer

• Bitch Please: The Angela Lansbury Biography

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Dominatrix Librarian

• Two Stoners Roll Some Pierogis

• D Battery: A Journey Through the Body

• C.O.R.N.B.R.E.A.D. COPS

• Real But Worthless Antiques

More Unwanted Taglines For an Unwanted Movie

UAG

A Few More Available But Dumb Porn Names

Congrats on your first porn shoot! We’re all ready to begin shooting your big debut, but first we'll need you to pick a porn name. Something you’ll go by for the duration of your 5-8 year career. Here's an empty Newport carton full of porn names that you can pick from. Help yourself to any of it, but fair warning– a lot of these are pretty stupid:

Him

Samson Ite

Twink Erbelle

Dong Cornelius

Kareem De Menthe

Jack Ulater

Sir Thomas Engleshire Fuck, III

Her

Hetty Petting

Rhonda Waygirl

Hannah Lingus

Tiffany Knockoff

Eunice Gargler

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"I know I'm an unreliable witness, being a moonshine distiller and all, but I did see 'em."

"Would I like to go steady? Charles! I think this is happening too fast! Just yesterday we were almost holding hands on my aunt's front porch!"

"What was that thing called again? It's a fish salad dish... starts with an S or a C... Saville? Saviche? Cravitz?"

"Wow, this documentary kept promising it was longer."

"You called it a hiatus. A hiatus doesn't last 6 years, Leslie!"

"Yes, I am a fashion illustrator. I draw handsome men for magazines. Draw nudes? Where's the money in that?"

UAG

New Funding Projects Now on Kickstarter

Every business needs money to get started. And the good folks at Kickstarter have announced the latest new ventures looking for funding from you. Feel free to chip in to help these business ideas get off the ground:

• Shampoo that smells like someone came in your hair

• Full body lobster bibs

• Electronic gigolo that keeps Alexa company when you're away

• Rat jerky for survivalists

• Tires made from recycled shoes made from recycled tires

• Punch in the ribs delivery service

• Amazing optical illusions that will actually blind you permanently

New Releases On The Documentary Channel

Entertainment, history, politics, the environment. Whatever subject interests you, The Documentary Channel is guaranteed to have a partially true documentary about it. Here are the newest releases this week for you to check out:

• Pancakes, Waffles or Crepes: A Breakfast Controversy

• Cesar Millan Gets Bitten

• Child Actors' Personal Assistants: Professional Masochists

• Every PEZ Dispenser-Related Death To Date

• Why Zeus Was Such A Man Ho

• Scurvy's Silver Lining

• The History of the NBA As Told By Wayne Gretzky

• DUMP!

It's Time To Say Goodbye To All The Shit Marketers Are Telling You To Say Goodbye To

Bye! Goodbye! Bye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye!

The EADJ Facebook Defender

Previous EADJ Facebook Defriender entries here.

It's time once again to cut the Facebook chaff from the Facebook wheat. I have more FB friends that I care to stay in touch with anyway. So it was easy to cut S_____ loose from my digital life.

He's actually a nice guy and all, but I haven't seen him since 2007 and he's in London now.

One of the main reasons I'm cutting him loose is because his posts are insufferable. He fancies himself a photographer with his cell phone shots.

And to be fair, he does have some talent, but he just posts this shit ALL THE TIME and he documents the place and time like anyone gives a shit. "Oh, that's what a coffee looks like in Barcelona at 2am? Gee!" 

So, goodbye S_______. I won't miss your constant photography exhibit.

UAG

Missed Connections at a Local Dog Park

The following Missed Connections were posted by dogs that visited the Bucks County Core Creek Dog Park in Langhorne, PA:

You: The cockapoo with the ball in your mouth

Me: The clearly aroused Irish Setter

Hey baby. If you noticed, I was panting but it wasn't because it was hot. It was because YOU are. Let's get together over a can of Alpo and see where the night takes us. ❤️

You: The mixed something-or-other by the chain link fence

Me: The half Beagle with the distinctive bark

Hello! I would like a play date with you sometime! You seem nice! I have no friends!

You: The Yorkshire Terrier with the striking "Emotional Support Animal" vest

Me: The dirty Dachshund with the one bent ear

Hi, Yorky! You obviously seem like a good soul, helping your owner deal with the crushing reality of life. Do you like chasing squirrels? Let's connect! You can bring your oversensitive owner!

Environmental, Social, and Political Challenges We Will Face in 2022, Presented In Part By Utz

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Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and his talented team of whackadoo writers are working hard on news "stories" that they believe their dumb audience will accept as fact. Here are some conspiracies that they'll be covering soon on their show:

• All TikTok celebrities are elaborate puppets manipulated by space wolves 

• Hillary Clinton. That's it.

• Most wedding photographers include a Masonic symbol in their photos which spreads that secret society's agenda

• People don't call the Japanese "Japs" anymore because liberals are triggered by demeaning racial terms like "Japs"

• Wordle is an NSA operation designed to record all your personal information based on if you guessed BATON or GULLS

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Netflix This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Zozark: Ozark But With Zombies

• Police Procedural With Zero Surprises

• French Stewart: A Life of Annoyance

• Shivs: A Prison How-To Series  

• Shaved By The Belle

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Game show: Who Sharted?

• Things This Turtle Will Hump

• Fullest House: Time To Move Out

• Queen Victoria: A Sexual Journey

Spotted on Doordash

Bilge?!

UAG