Monday, December 31, 2012

Baby Hideaway Pool

Baby Hideaway Pool?! What the fuck are you talking about?!

Why the hell would baby hideaway in a pool? Everybody knows already that baby enjoys pool, so why would baby go skulking about like a criminal in some shady "hideaway" pool?
Baby enjoys pool. Baby not ashamed of enjoying pool, so fuck you for implying that baby has anything to be ashamed of.

Worse yet, fuck you for implying that baby has found a sneaky way to hide his alleged shame with a hideaway pool.

Baby enjoys pool and will enjoy pool in front of you, the entire viewing public, and the sweet Creator himself if need be.

Baby also having a hard time concentrating with busty woman who is not his Mom leaning over him like that. Making baby nervous.

So fold back the shade of the hideaway pool. Baby got nothing to hide.

Happy New Year from baby, by the way. Drive safe.

Friday, December 28, 2012

An Imagined Conversation

"Hi. Welcome to CVS."
"Hello, I'd like to return a gift."
"Sure. The Discovery Kids Eco-Friendly Color Me Rocketship?"
"Was the toy not to your satisfaction, ma'am?"
"Not so much that. I didn't actually open it."
"Oh. Then what is the problem? It can't be the color. You have to color it yourself!"
"Ha ha. No, it's not that. It's just that I realized I'd purchased a twenty dollar box."
"Well, it's more than that, ma'am. Look here on the front. It 'provides endless hours of imaginative play.' It features a 'crawl-thru porthole.' It measures 5 feet long, sets up quickly, and is made from recycled materials."
"It's a box."
"Sure, but it's whatever your child would like it to be."
"Uh huh. And why did they even bother packaging it in another box?"
"I don't know, ma'am. I don't work for Discovery Kids."
"A box in another box. Who's to say the box it comes in doesn't also provide 'endless hours of imaginative play?'"
"Who says it doesn't?"
"Are you getting smart with me (reads nametag), Gordon?"
"I don't think so, ma'am."
"Just give me my twenty dollars back."
(gives money back)
"Thanks. Now, where's your dumpster, Gordon? I need a box about yay big."

Wednesday, December 26, 2012

The Joel Angel Project: Nonupdate

An anonymous EADJ reader left a comment on yesterday's post, wondering where a second magic trick from Joel will be posted, seeing how it's almost the end of the year, and the last time Joel posted a trick was on January 24.

Well, dear reader, your guess is as good as mine. Although we averted the Mayan end of the world, we are all nearing the deadline for the government's "fiscal cliff" discussions and EADJ's Joel Angel Project. Hopefully President Obama and the Congressional Republicans can come to the agreement that Joel needs to post another goddamned magic trick posthaste, since we're only days away from disaster.

Tuesday, December 25, 2012

Merry Christmas From Eat A Dick, Joel

 I learned the other day that Fisher Price actually offers a Little People Nativity Set, which actually sounds pretty sweet:

It's a pretty deluxe set with 12 people and animal figures, a cart, and a manger, so you really can't go wrong with that.

Then I realized that this new set would offer some unique play-time possibilities to people who already own Fisher Price Little People sets.

Joseph and the Orca Whale: Joseph goes on a sabbatical to "find himself" and gets caught up in a "Life of Pi" style adventure where he must impose his will upon a stubborn killer orca whale (who we learn later was really his mother all along).

Batman and Balthazar: When a member of the legendary Three Kings teams up with The Dark Knight, watch out crime! Armed with batarangs and frankincense, this righteous duo patrols the streets of Gotham with a mighty vengeance on the combination camel/bat pod.

Snow White, the Virgin Mary, and the Seven Dwarfs: two virtuous women share a cramped house with seven quirky roommates. Bashful gets an aneurysm from shyness. Grumpy gets damned to hell.

Superman and the Baby Jesus: The Son of God and the son of Jor-El join forces and make it totally unfair for any villains to go against them. It's not even close.

Pandas and the Ass: Two friendly Pandas join up with Joseph and Mary's ass on a frolicking free-wheeling adventure of fun and self-discovery! Whatever.

A whole butt-load of obsolete vintage Little People and a Sheep: For adults only.

Monday, December 24, 2012

Another Brief Status Of What Mall Kiosk Attendants Are Doing

This is EADJ's second installment in this important, ongoing series.

The following is an accurate account of what Douglass, attendant at the RC Wonders kiosk in Minnowtown Mall, ME did while working on December 23, 2012:

• thought about Stef
• wondered where it all went wrong with her
• shifted weight to right foot
• checked storage space for alkaline D batteries (they were there)
• worked on that sesame seed stuck in his teeth since lunch at Panda Inn
• imagined Stef with her new boyfriend Steve
• sighed
• checked out MILF's ass

The following is an accurate account of what Hector, attendant at the Gold Buyers kiosk in Minnowtown Mall, ME did while working on December 23, 2012:

• adjusted his balls
• texted Mookie and Mill-Will to see if they're down with some Halo 4 tonight
• sneaked a squeaker
• smiled at a man who was hurriedly taking his wife outside
• offered $30 to a woman for the 24K gold bracelet from her Mom (she accepted!)
• wished he could take smoke breaks

The following is an accurate account of what Don "The Dream" Cortez, attendant at Cellairis in Minnowtown Mall, ME did while working on December 23, 2012:

• wondered where all the bitches at

The following is an accurate account of what Charles, attendant at the Skrub-It-Kleen kiosk in Minnowtown Mall, ME did while working on December 23, 2012:

• remembered the Alamo
• stared at the stupid pink feathers dangling in front of him
• nodded to the fat security guard, tried to remember what his name was (Vic? Vin?)
• sneaked a bump behind the mirror
• kicked himself for having forgotten to Tivo "Whitney" again

The following is an accurate account of what Trina, masseuse at the Massage Relax kiosk in Minnowtown Mall, ME did while working on December 23, 2012:

• hummed the theme song to "Duck Tales"
• tried to loosen this knot in this bitch's left shoulder
• wondered what happened to Renee Zellweger's career
• blew a snot over the railing into the snow scene
• thought about murdering her sister
• smiled at that fat security fucker Vin
• went for a smoke break as soon as the bitch she was massaging fell asleep

Friday, December 21, 2012

The ProofrEADJer: Mayan End Of The World Edition

The following typos came from the excellent but grossly under-proofread book "The Signal And The Noise: Why So Many Predictions Fail- But Some Don't" by Nate Silver:

Check out this mislabeled graph that tells us nothing:

Vince's Uncle Roberto Explains How To Tell The Difference Between Doppler Radar and Dual-Polarized Radar

Many meteorologists desks on local newscasts have announced that they've upgraded to a new type of radar for their weather reports. What that means is that the primary Doppler radar from the National Weather Service in Greer, SC has been upgraded to what is called Dual-Polarization, or "Dual-Pol."

What is Dual-Pol? Dual-polarization is simply just sending out two beams of energy from radar rather than one. One beam is sent out in the vertical, the other in the horizontals. The most important benefit of this is to get a better measurement of the size and shape of precipitation. Through software algorithms we can detect many more aspects of precipitation. 

Here is an animation that demonstrates the differences more clearly:

Conventional Doppler Radar:

Dual-Pol Radar:

And speaking of horizontal, it's okay to sleep in the back of any limo when I'm driving (Sometimes I do that myself in my own car!). But when we reach the airport, you can't be a big cranky-pants when I wake you up and refuse to tip me. That's just rude.