And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Tell Your Left From Your Right

First of all, don't be embarrassed. There are plenty of well-educated, successful adults who still get their left mixed up with their right. Here's a simple mnemonic to help you remember:

Put your hands in front of you with your thumbs pointing at each other. Your left hand will make an L shape. L for left. See? Easy peasy!

And speaking of left from right, I once took a wrong turn picking up a fare at LaGuardia, and let me tell you, that woman was actually *mad* I was only 3 minutes late. Some people, right?

Stay safe, kids!

Bruce Willis Always Looks Like He's Looking For His Reading Glasses in Movie Posters

"Are they in here? I remember using them here."

"Did you take them? I swear, if you did..."

"Well shit, maybe I left them in the car."

"You said you SAW them?! WHERE?"

"Ah, fuck it. I'll just go to CVS and buy another pair. Dammit."

10 Things That InfoWars Have Blamed On The Deep State

1. When packaging tape gets stuck to the spool and you can't find the end

2. Restocking fees

3. Why Mike Epps isn't a bigger star

4. GarageBand crashing

5. The price of fireworks

6. CBS's "Zoey's Extraordinary Playlist" getting canceled

7. Unattractive barn jacket colors

8. The utter predictability of Hallmark movies

9. Bad pesto

10. The weird way motivational speaker Tony Robbin's voice sounds a lot like KRS-One's

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, HBO Max adds or removes shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to HBO Max this month:

• Bionicals Performing Neil Simon's "Our Town"

• Chugging Pus: The Highs and Lows of Pledging a Medical Fraternity

• Takis: How A Snack Food Became A Stoner Staple, narrated by Cheech Marin

• NFT Road Show: That's Also Worthless

• Mythbusters 2022: The 2020 Stolen Election

Here are the shows and movies that HBO Max is removing from their lineup this month:

• Stop Motion Circle Jerk

• Game show: Hold This Over Your Head

• Karens fighting over a size L pair of Spanx

• X-Men: Remedial Class

• Racist Masseuse: He's the Worst! (But He's Good)

• Logan and Jake Paul Have a Baby

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Give 'em hell. And somebody find my eye."

"Why don't you take a seat right there."

"What is this... making love you speak of?"

*guy pulls out massive dong*

"I told you game night was fun." *pulls trigger of bazooka*

"Hi, I'm Julia. And I collect Pogs."

"Hi Julia."

(Dollar General Hotel Transylvania right here)

"I searched for pleasure. I found chlamydia."

"Holy shit, this new H.O.A. is strict."

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

You okay, bro? You don't looks so good, bro.

That's no way to greet the caterer, Flo.

With all those credit cards, you think Kingg Bucc could afford a more recent MacBook.

Just in case you were wondering what your AT&T Wireless customer service rep looks like.

Wait, who buried her in those clothes to begin with?

"Predator, you are the father."

South Park is still around after 24 seasons, so yeah, this is still good.

What the... Don't change it; it's perfect.

So that's what you can buy at an Aldi.

One pierced ear was the gateway drug to this.

UAG

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

The Saddest EADJ Off-Brand TP Roundup Ever.

Why sad? Because it's only one entry. The lockdown and the fact that we haven't found unique generic toilet paper to make fun of are major reasons for this situation. Oh well.

OFF BRAND TP: Mayfair

DESIGN CUES: An uninspired, limp swoosh that looks like it doesn't want to be there.

FEELS LIKE: Pulling a rusty cheese grater out of your anus

EADJ Pun Police: Kid Kop Edition

I'm Sergeant Tobey Haskins and I'm here to round up all the bad pun suspects and throw 'em in a jail! You better watch out with your dumb wordplays, criminals!

"Now screaming?" It's not too bad, plus it fits the content. I'll let them off with a warning."

"Bin There Dump That?" That's a very punny title. I sentence you to 5 minutes in my treehouse jail with NO Kool-Aid privileges! Watch yourself next time."

"As Gouda As It Gets?! Oh this is AWFUL. I know what gouda cheese is, because my mom let me taste some at Aunt Eunice's dinner party. I didn't like it, just like I DON'T LIKE THIS BAD PUN. Everybody gets a bonk on the head from my nightstick. JUSTICE WILL BE DONE."

"Calling all cars! Calling all cars! I need backup at the gift card section of Barnes and Noble! Officer has been exposed to THREE very bad puns and we need backup! Bring the SWAT team and shoot on sight! Surround the store and surrounding buildings for a 3 block radius. BRING EVERYONE!"

The Newest Hot Crowdfunding Projects on Kickstarter

Want to get on the ground floor of a potentially great new product? Or do you just like to fund something with no guarantees because you like to live dangerously? Well, here are the newest Kickstarters projects you can help fund:

•  Illustrated trading cards of your favorite local drug dealers with phone numbers

• A device that pops when you ask it nicely to pop

• Coupons for "giving a shit" that you can give to your relatives

• An ABS WASHBOARD. You've heard of washboard abs– well, this is an actual washboard with an AB texture on it! Hilarious, right? Hey, where you going?

• Nipple clamps that look like Arthur from the Nickelodeon show

• A VR headset that simulates you actually getting into a club for once

• Dog dildos. Not dildos for dogs, but dildos that are shaped like dogs. Never mind. The FBI is on their way.

• A hairdryer that tells you you're running late and have already missed 15 minutes of the goddamned recital, Samantha. Jesus.

Some Bad But Available Porn Names

Welcome to the set, hot shot! Ready to film your first porno film? Great. I'm sure Terri got you all the tax and insurance forms to sight, right? Oh, and there's one more thing before we begin filming. You'll need to either come up with or pick out your own porn name. Here's a Pabst Blue Ribbon ashtray full of unused porn names which you're welcome to, but beware– they're pretty bad:

Him

Kirk O. Vin

Dick Engvalls

P. Mature Ejaculation

Joe Nevernude

Russ Undressing

Chui Balls

Her

Miss Cegenation

Ava Lanche

Bleached Dubois

Peaches Crematorium

Catherine Ummethyne Dumpster

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Clean Your Oven In 8 Simple Steps

Oven cleaning can be a chore. But instead of chemical oven cleaners, here's a more natural, painless way to get the job done:

1) Make sure your oven is switched off and cooled down.

2) Mix your own cleaning solution with baking soda and water.

3) Cover the oven in the cleaning paste.

4) Let it sit overnight.

5) Wipe down the oven. 

6) Spray it with vinegar.

7) Wipe down the oven one last time.

8) Replace the oven racks.

And speaking of racks, I have never needed luggage racks on top of my limo because the trunk space is huge. But this one time I picked up a big family at the airport, and they brought THIRTY EIGHT pieces of luggage and didn't want any in their seating area. I ended up filling my passenger seat so high I could barely see the rear view mirror!

Stay safe, kids!

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

"If you're so smart, dolphin, why aren't you rich?"

"I am, bitch."

WTPA had to fire correspondent T.Y. when they realized he was a mumble rapper.

Still funnier than Fallon.

When your Uber is late because of arena traffic.

Write what you know, I guess. *shrug*

Whenever Jean Deaux shifted in the leather sectional, it sounded like she farted. So she stayed still.

If it don't close, it's not much of a trap, is it?

"Some thugs attacked me with a Play-Doh Fun Factory, officer!"

Hellboy was used to handling bigger guns, but whatever.

UAG