Monday, May 31, 2010

Portraits of Power

Pictured below, proof that you have to have facial hair to make it into management at Pathmark. WITHOUT EXCEPTION.

Friday, May 28, 2010

Thursday, May 27, 2010

Click It Or Ticket!

Law enforcement agencies throughout the country will be cracking down on unbuckled motorists and their passengers as part of the annual “Click It or Ticket” campaign. The catchy campaign has been very successful for the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration; last year, the seatbelt usage rate in New Jersey alone rose for the 13th consecutive year. As a result, government agencies are scrambling to replicate this program's success. Here are just a few of the newly-proposed efforts:

"Wicket or Picket"

The U.S. Department of The Treasury has suggested that due to a flagging economy, people should invest their money in either buying a home (thus the "picket fence")– which will be guaranteed to appreciate over time– or in providing or caring for Wicket W. Warrick, a curious, adventurous Ewok from the forest moon of Endor. Young Wicket will teach Americans about living in concert with the environment, saving money by recycling, and battling gigantic two-legged Imperial scout walkers with logs and rope. Logs and rope.

"Frigate or Stick It"

How will chartering a three-mast, 18th Century warship help school kids? The U.S. Department of Education says by forcing them to work as a team to rig the masts, load and fire the 28 carriage-mounted guns, and maintain and clean the crew's quarters on the "berth deck." Those kids too weak or unwilling to live and die on the high seas can alternately watch the 2006 MTV-funded gymnastics movie "Stick It," which teaches the exact same lessons.

"Limpet or Tikrit"

The U.S. Department of Transportation has suggested that every citizen rent and watch the 1964 Don Knotts comedy "The Incredible Mr. Limpet," wherein mildmannered Henry Limpet experiences his fondest wish of being transformed into a fish and assists the US Navy in hunting German submarines during World War II. This program, they say, will encourage good citizenry and even get more people to enlist for the military to be deployed to Tikrit, Iraq. Critics of this controversial recruitment program are quick to point out that Tikrit is actually pronounced tik-REET.

"Quick Chek or Briquette"

Actually, I'm fresh out of ideas now. Nothing to read here. I'm surprised you made it this far. This entire entry was pure bullshit. So, congratulations, you outlasted me. Dick.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

The Mysteries of Life

Pictured below, two dudes at Bed Bath & Beyond cannot believe the Dyson bladeless fan.


Tuesday, May 25, 2010

EADJ Surprising Hostility: "It Is What It Is."

"Shit happens." "Is it Friday yet?" and "Life's a beach" are all terrible, pretty tired clich├ęs that still pop up on t-shirts and bumper stickers. But only one phrase has entered the lexicon that means absolutely nothing yet still gains popularity: "It is what it is."

What about this phrase has captured the public's lack of imagination? Well, it's certainly catchy, and if you're not paying attention, it sounds like you're actually saying something profound or knowing; it's a poor man's "Easy come, easy go."

If you're talking about the quality of something, at least "Garbage in, garbage out" describes how croddy ingredients create a croddy result and inspires you to do better. "It is what it is" just sits there and neither puts it down NOR compliments it. "It is what it is," is essentially saying "That thing is right over there being itself," and lets you just sit back and not think about improving it, scratching your ass.

Probably the worst use of it is in comforting someone in a bad situation. Just imagine telling some old skank lady at a bar that your wife left you and you just got fired. What else is she gonna say to you? It's perfect to just fill up some time, like saying, "Well, you know" or "Bob's your uncle."

Shit. I just realized this entire entry reads like an Andy Rooney segment. Oh well,"It is what it is." Fart

I Probably Shouldn't Post This

Monday, May 24, 2010

So, Security At Times Square Is So Tight Now...

...they can't even be bothered with some woman obviously stealing a hotel lobby table.

Friday, May 21, 2010

Lobsterfest Keeps On Lobsterin'!

It's week fourteen of Red Lobster's exciting and delicious Lobsterfest lobster extravaganza celebration, and Red Lobster is offering great new ways for you to enjoy lobster during this limited time! Try these scrumptious new offerings:

• We hire movie actor Chris Evans to boil and prepare a perfect plate of steaming lobster for you. Although he'll never leave our kitchen to meet you, you'll delight in knowing that the lobster you're eating has been prepared by none other than The Human Torch from the most recent "Fantastic Four" movies! It's just one more way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We steal tiles from your Scrabble board game set at home and mix them in with some raw ground beef and glitter, then we dress up as a postal worker and feed your dog the ground beef/glitter mixture. Your dog eats it up, and when you get home, it takes a big dump on the living room floor, and the Scrabble tiles in its poop spell out "LOBSTERFEST." Now that's a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• Our entire restaurant gets filled to the ceiling with live lobsters. We make an arrangement with your employer to print out and drop your next paycheck into the middle of the restaurant. You have to strip naked and must wade through all the snapping, live lobsters to get your paycheck. As you make your desperate way through the lobster gauntlet, the lobsters continue to snap and pinch your nether region and genitalia, and you realize that the lobsters' snapping claws have grown from agonizing to somehow erotic. What a great way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• You get kidnapped and wake up in an abandoned warehouse. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We enroll in a pottery class with you. During the lessons, we chat about our personal lives and generally not pay attention, which irks you to no end. So when it's time for us to start "throwing" or "firing" a piece of nice pottery, we have no idea how to do it, and that makes you very angry. When you get really red, we hold a mirror up to your face, and you realize you look just like a lobster! We then dunk your head into a bucket of melted butter to top off the hilarity. It's another fantastic way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

• We go to a strip club wearing sweatpants so that the strippers can feel our erections. Then when they get creeped out, we loudly remind them that we paid them a fucking hundo and they best get to grindin'. Plus you get to eat some Maine lobster tail, steamed snow crab legs, garlic shrimp scampi or some bullshit. Just another way for you to enjoy lobster during Lobsterfest at Red Lobster!

Thursday, May 20, 2010

An Imagined Conversation.

"Hello, Streetwise Promotions?"
"Hi, I'd like to complain about the posters you guys made for my January concert?"
"Yes, what is the problem?"
"Well, you spelled my name right. My name is Fabolous. You guys spelled it 'Fabulous,' like the real word."
"Okay. How is that a problem that we spelled it right, sir?"
"The problem is that I intentionally spell it wrong, but you guys didn't spell it wrong like I like, so it's spelled all right now."
"Right. So how is that a problem?"
"My name is FabOlous. You spelled it FabUlous."
"Well sir, our designers put all of the words in the poster layouts through spell-check, so I'm sure there is no mistake."
"(Groans) Spell-check. Right. Yeah, my name is spelled wrong, so of course it will correct it. Listen, I've spent a lot of time and money building my rapper name, and although I initially spelled it wrong like an idiot, I have stuck to it to build on its equity. So you as a promoter should respect that my name should always be spelled wrong."
"So you want us to redo your posters so that they're spelled wrong, is that what you're saying?"
"Yes, please."
"I don't know what else I can do for you, Mr. Fabulous. We've had lots of happy clients whose posters we've made: Boys To Men, Ludicrous, Wrecks In Effect, Sierra, Soldier Boy Tell Them, and Business Marquee, to name a few."

Spotted In Irvington, NJ

A totally legit-looking proposition.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

EADJ Etiquette Center with Lauren Fontinel

The following is a photo on the El taken by Lauren F.

Rule #1: Close your legs.

Lauren earns 50 points for the panty hose crotch shot. Congratulations, Team Blondie!

EADJ Crappinema Presents The Man From Button Willow

Just because a movie is animated- a medium that often requires meticulous frame-by-frame incremental moves- doesn't mean its creators don't take huge short cuts and even rip off other sources to create a subpar product. "The Man From Button Willow" aspires to be a charming, folksy account of the fictional legend of Justin Eagle (who I hadn't heard of) and his adventures as a Senate Investigator in the 1800's. The problem is that the animators overpopulated the scene with too many unnecessary "cute" animals doing a bunch of unnecessary bullshit, ultimately bogging down the story line and making me start cutting myself again.

The following is lifted verbatim from the intro to the film:

"Hi there. I'm Dale Robertson. Some of you may remember me from "Tales of Wells Fargo." Right now I'd like to tell you a little about the picture you're going to see. Shortly after the Civil War, one of the major projects in this country was to join the east to the west with a great railroad- the greatest the world has ever known. There were many problems: the weather, the terrain, the Indians. But one of the biggest problems was a group of men who were known as land grabbers, men who would jump out ahead of the railroad and buy up all the land and attempt to charge the government fantastic prices for it. Such a man was Montgomery Blaine.

"In an effort to put a stop to this, the government sent out Senate Investigators. Such a man was Senator Freeman. And many times these Senate Investigators didn't return. So in order to protect them, the government put together a special team of men whose job was so secretive that even their own families didn't know what they did. And such a man was Justin Eagle, who was known as the Man From Button Willow. And this is his story."

After the four minutes were up, it moved on to PART TWO with another 20 minutes of shitty cartoon. Motherfucker.

Was "The Man From Button Willow" the worst animated movie ever? Probably not. Was it bad enough to be going for $1.99 at the cut-out bin at a random supermarket? Totally. Would you ever recommend this cartoon to anyone else? Look, I'm not an asshole, okay?

Overall grade: F