Spotted On A Neighbor's Roof

It looks like they're Run The Jewels fans.

Meanwhile, Back at the Gaslight...

"Excuse me, miss?"

"Yes?"

"How much longer will our food take?"

"Only another five minutes."

"I'm sorry, but you said that ten minutes ago."

"No I didn't."

"Yes, we asked you about our food at 12:10 and you said..."

"Oh, so you're spying on me mow?"

"What?"

"You can't respect my privacy and are just watching me and keeping tabs on me and totally violating my rights to privacy. This is really low of you."

"I don't understand. I just wanted..."

"Oh you just WANTED. See, you're using that language again. WANT WANT WANT. It's always about you and what YOU want. You're so selfish."

"Huh? Are you serious?"

"Look. I've had a really bad day, and you're not helping by being so DEMANDING and PESTERING me constantly with all your NEEDINESS. I'm about at my breaking point and I swear to God, if you keep RIDING me about your food I'm going to... Oh. Here's your food now. Enjoy!"

InfoWars's Upcoming Conspiracy Stories

Alex Jones and InfoWars continue their assault on reality with a new slew of conspiracy stories designed to both outrage the gullible and make them feel smart. Here's what the head writers are working on for next week's tripe:

• Pan pizza is short for "Panama Pizza" which secretly funds the Democratic Revolutionary Party (PRD) in Panama.

• Dental X-rays don't exist. Dentists only make you bite down on those uncomfortable pieces of foam to PUNISH you for being a PATRIOT.

• Digital marketing agencies are working to send you subliminal web banners that tell you to watch liberal programs like "Blue's Clues" and "The Wild Thornberrys"

• Jane says hi

• The Deep State global elitists are secretly working double shifts at Bennigan's to make more money to afford an apartment with a laundry in the same building

Twitter's Least Popular Hashtags, Week of July 26, 2021

Twitter continues to suck. And many users also suck, using sucky hashtags to accompany their sucky tweets. Here are this week's least used hashtags:

#lickingbees

#taxauditenthusiast

#OliverPlatt'sManBoobs

#iamgulliblebeyondwords

#you'restandingonmypenis

#cursingupastormatChickFilA

#mybankingPINnumberis39644

#fantasizingaboutyourMomnoreally

UAG

More Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Time to cash out." *shoots stupid gun*

(dialogue muffled because the low budget sound is so bad)

"What? I don't do that shit. If you wanted a nut log, you should've gone to a Stuckey's!"

"Hello! I'm a kid's entertainer, but at the same time I'm a contractor creating headaches for my client and running behind schedule and going over budget!"

"Your brain is raining again."

(sighs) "Sorry."

"C'mon, team! Let's hunker down and get the stuff and get this done TOGETHER!"

"What the sam fuck are you talking about, Keith?"

"The air conditioner is broken."

"Oh well. Let me drink this McFlurry and then lick your back with the M&M pieces."

Dad Joke Alert In 3... 2... 1...

What's wrong with the fish you have now?

(Sorry.)

UAG

The Answers To Yesterday's Which Can, Erickson?

Did you get them all right? I knew you would!

It's Time Again To Play Which Can, Erickson?

Match the location names to the toilets pictured above. To make it easier, we paired each toilet with a K-Pop band name, so if you know your K-Pop, this should be a breeze:

1. Public Market, Emeryville, CA -- Girls Generation

2. Brigs Great Beginnings Restaurant, Raleigh, NC -- BLACKPINK

3. Arlenes Grocery, NYC -- H.O.T.

4. Jerry's Subs, Lanham, MD -- TWICE

5. Point Pleasant Aquarium, Point Pleasant, NJ -- BTS

6. Farm Center of Kensington , Milford, MI -- MONSTA X

Answers will be revealed tomorrow!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Create An Email Signature In Outlook

Email signatures can include text, images, your electronic business card, a logo, or even your handwritten signature. They look professional and can really give your work emails that extra something. Here's how to create your own:

1. Select New Email.
2. Select Signature > Signatures.
3. Select New, type a name for the signature, and select OK.
4. Under Edit signature, type your signature and format it the way you like.
5. Select OK and close the email.
6. Select New Email to see the signature you created.

And speaking of signatures, I sometimes still have clients use corporate printed vouchers. All they have to do is sign the thing and I give them a copy as a receipt. Print lives!

Stay safe, kids!

Let's Zip Tie The EADJ Mail Sack and Leave It In the Sun!

Submitted by Emily Kane:

"UAG2"

Not sure if this should've been an EADJ Mail Sack entry, an Emily Vents entry, an Ugly Andrew Gall entry, or a doppelgänger entry.

More on Robert Hanssen here.

Let's Ask The Dashboard Buddies: Should The Congressional Filibuster Be Removed?

Penguin: Shit, I dunno. I'm not exactly a Constitutional scholar. I think changing Congressional procedure feels like cheating, but abuse of the filibuster itself could be considered cheating, too, you know? Shit.

Cow: Who's Filly Buster? Is that a pornstar?

Hippo: This is a complex political issue that requires more thought than a pat answer from a dashboard toy. Shame on you for asking me to make light of the situation. OUR DEMOCRACY IS IN DANGER

Let's Partially Deflate the EADJ Mail Sack For Easier Traveling!

 Submitted by John Reid via text: 

UAG

DID YOU KNOW???

Most California surfers get their nickname ideas from dog chew toys.

Doppelgängers Update

Submitted by John Reid, a doppelgänger of me:

Another doppelgänger of me, according to Andrew:

And another:

And here's one I found that looks EXACTLY like my brother Jay:

Here Are Your Job Numbers For the Week of July 5-9

To: ALL

From: Garester@Hubleyofficesupply.co

Hello everyone. This is Gary Hubley of Hubley Office Supply. No, I'm not here to sell you on toner and cardstock LOL. Your CEO Jerry asked me to email you all on his behalf since he's playing golf in Augusta and wanted me to remind everyone that timesheets are due by the end of this week. So it would probably help if I gave you the actual job numbers LOL: 

33774: Defending "Steel Magnolias"

82112: Fan theorizing

45936: Drinking pickle juice

10118: Trying to remember the rules of backgammon

82381: Pulling a U-y on the freeway

58251: Crossing the I's and dotting the T's

13306: Doing the Stanky Leg

 

Some More Terrible But Available Porn Names

Welcome to the porn industry! You probably have a lot of questions but we need to take care of a couple things first. First of all, before we get you fluffed, you'll need to pick a porn name. Here's a fishing hat full of porn names. You can help yourself to any of them, but fair warning– a lot of these suck:

Him

Unger Arms

Helmut Polisher

Hugh Lu

Dan Yankees

Pubicus Ainsworth

Her

Vermina Urine

Aunt Tifa

Pam Frites

Annette Flix

Carmen Sandy Anus

InfoWars Shares Some Upcoming Conspiracy Theories

Alex Jones's crack team of conspiracy writers are at it again, tirelessly cranking out new whacked-out theories that dumb right wingers will happily accept as fact. Here are some conspiracies that they plan to feature on the show in upcoming weeks:

• Imitation crab meat is actually real crab meat but liberals are pocketing the money

• Every time a bell rings, an angel shares your personal information with the Deep State

• The reason you can never sneeze with your eyes open is because "they" WANT you to close your eyes

• The Tuskegee Airmen retired and now tour as the Harlem Globetrotters

• All the money you'd ever make on Bitcoin transactions can only be cashed out as Pogs

• A chicken who has successfully predicted every Super Bowl since 1967 has made a delicious sandwich

• BREAKING: Up is down

 

Memorable Lines From Movies I Haven't Watched

"Tell me it's past my bedtime NOW!"

"Eek! You know, this counts as sexual assault, right?"

"And now, through the magic of dance, the Cirque du Soleil dancers will demonstrate how LASIK works!"

"You're from the gutter. Just like me. We stink."