Twitter's Least Used Hashtags, Week of September 30

Twitter is full of crackpots, trolls, dipshits and attention whores. But even they refuse to use certain hashtags because they have a reputation to keep. Here now are a few of the least used hashtags that you are certainly welcome to add to your Twitfeed:

#Chucky'sprivates

#HotTopicgiftregistry

#cerealboxtopsforsex

#prosandconsofdiarrhea

#stillquotingCaddyshack

#plungerfullofguacamole

#undercoverbosswantsyoufired

#CivilWarreenactmentdatingsiteforracists

#IamnotbeingsarcasticrightnowImserious

#1hournonstopofAllIWantForChristmasbyMariahCarey

Hey! Some More Unused, Terrible Porn Names

Congratulations for joining the pornographic movie industry. Your references are impeccable!

Now that you're ready to film your first scene, you're going to need a porn nickname for the call sheet. May we suggest these available (but terrible) porn names? Good luck on set!

HER:

Aida Urassa

Jess Doit

Beluga Orca

Ladesh (so you can bang ladesh)

Bridget Spinner

HIM:

Hans Onna Hardbody

Timjob

Gibbous Moon

Hairy Ass Truman

E. Rectile Dysfunction

UAG

Once Again, It's Time To Say Goodbye To Shit That Advertisers Want You To Say Goodbye To

The latest roundup of hack, lazy copywriting:

Goodbye! Goodbye! Goodbye! Farewell! Goodbye! 

The EADJ Fashion Round-Up: Unintentional Cosplay Edition

"Wait a minute, Doc. Ah... Are you telling me you built a time machine... out of a DeLorean?"

I've seen Hitman. I'm pretty sure someone on this ferry is going to die.

The Shake Shack at Penn Station is about to be robbed. Because I just spotted the getaway driver.

Dressing like a Dalek from Doctor Who? ACCESSORATE!

Two hippies from the Woodcroc festival.

A Disturbing Future Without Humanity

If you're a longtime reader of this blog– and why wouldn't you be?– you are familiar with the past posts, musings, and bullshittery on the NJ Transit Commuter Survey. Spotted this morning on the train, the 2019 survey flyer is adorned yet again another generic still life instead a vibrant stock shot of fake commuters pretending to talk to each other.

Since 2013, NJ Transit Authority has seen fit to do away with the cheesy photo, perhaps thinking it put off commuters from filling out the advertised survey. I for one think this does nothing of the sort, that the stilted engagement of these actors amused me enough to engage in NJ Transit's boring paperwork. What, is a pie chart or a lousy shot of a pine cone going to get me all fired up to respond?

The truth is, anger towards service interruptions, canceled trains and poor infrastructure management would be what drives most people to fill out the survey. But rather than insult us with a half-assed stock photo of autumnal leaves, why not insult us with a poorly-staged stock shot of models whose conversation will always be just out of our comprehension? Think about it, NJ Transit.

An Open Discussion, Part II

Earlier last week, we thought we spotted HGTV star Christina El Moussa modeling in a shitty catalog. After careful review, we have decided that this is NOT the former "Flip or Flop" host. Why? MOLES.

Here we found the shitty catalog online and pulled up the item based on the catalog number. A closeup of the model indicates that she has 2 or 3 prominent birthmarks on her neck.

We hired Los Angeles's top forensics specialists to examine the catalog photo and compare it a photo of El Moussa, and they said it was conclusive that El Moussa does not have any neck moles and therefore cannot be the woman in the floral top page of the catalog.

This concludes the Open Discussion and closes the nonexistent debate forever. Amen.

Upcoming YouTube Stars To Watch Out For

YouTube Star: M🐢NKY

Number of Followers: 56,904,255

Channel: Reaction videos of people doing amazing things like PARKING!

YouTube Star: KoomBatz

Number of Followers: 3,841,282

Channel: Prank videos where Koombatz predicts things happen but they don't. HILARIOUS!

YouTube Star: Krrrrrrrrrrla

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: Shocking videos where she reacts to amazing things like people paying bills and doing things for themselves.

YouTube Star: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉

Number of Followers: 823,582,444

Channel: Gaslighter✉✉✉29✉✉✉ features crazy shit you can't handle. LIKE AUTOMATIC DOORS AND ESCALATORS. BWAHHHHHHHHHHH!

YouTube Star: Especial Dingus

Number of Followers: 5,435,936,233,943,121

Channel: Mostly shots of him trying to clean his desktop. Sometimes games.

YouTube Star: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL

Number of Followers: 567,355,632,116

Channel: VALEREE🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔🥔VAL tackles brain busters like mazes from children's placemats and Middle East peace talks

YouTube Star: DumbassMillennial

Number of Followers: 40,559,624,328,636,024

Channel: DumbassMillennial doesn't make commentary so much as make enthusiastic grunts whenever something he sees confuses him.

The ProofrEADJER: Mid-September Edition

If you're launching a new local business, it might be good not to misspell the name of the STREET YOU'RE ON:

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To Hulu This Month

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An Open Discussion

I opened a "Signals" catalog the other day, and I'm pretty sure I spotted former "Flip or Flop" host Christina El Moussa modeling a floral top.

I mean, that is her, isn't it? It sure looks like her.

But let's back up for a minute. Does it make any sense for an HGTV star like that to slum with a mail order catalog? Is she so in need of cash that she has to model some cheapo blouse for junk mail?

Maybe.

Maybe that divorce with Tarek was so ugly, she was left with little more than monthly rent. Add the expenses of caring for their children and yeah, she might have some expenses to take care of there.

But then again, she's a friggin' TV star. And she didn't leave HGTV with any bad blood, from what I understand. Plus she's incredibly attractive, so of course the channel would hook her up with a new gig and she wouldn't need to model some dollar store rags.

But on the other hand, that sure as shit looks like her. And she didn't really seem to roll up her sleeves in those "Flip or Flop" construction jobs; I often saw her walking into a work zone in friggin platform heels and light colored slacks. So maybe modeling was her calling all along.

What do YOU think, friends?

Star Wars Episode IX: The Rise of Pathmark

The Latest New Benefits Of An AMC Stubs Rewards Membership

AMC would like you to join their Stubs Rewards program. How badly? Well, they've partnered with a ton of co-sponsors to bring you the hottest, latest exclusive perks if you JOIN NOW! Here are the latest benefits you can enjoy as an AMC Stubs member:

• The guy at Dunkin will show you his hilarious dick tattoo

• Everyone at the Hair Cuttery will discuss movies with you, no matter how boring you are

• Free large popcorn with purchase of the entire AMC theatre

• The local car dealership will let you take a "test drive" to the part of town that has prostitutes

• Access to exclusive AMC gummy worms in commemorative collectible box

• If anyone slaps the phone out of your hand for texting during a movie, we will let you fight back

• Free golf cart ride to the bathroom waaaay over on the other side of the theatre

• Free commas ,,,,,,,,,,,,,

• If any big name Hollywood celebrities show up to watch a movie, we'll let you sit behind them so you can smell their hair

• Free unpopped popcorn kernels- all you can carry home!

UAG

The ProofrEADJer: Second Week of September Edition

This plumbing company also decorates donuts.

And yes, I'm an asshole for including this, but a typo's a typo.

The EADJ Fashion Roundup: Fall Collection

I wanted to help this woman with her zipper in church, but I didn't want to get pepper sprayed.

These two unbearable hipsters were discussing the Gillette Fusion5 vs. ProGlide.

I just recently watched "Us," so seeing this guy in all red kind of freaked me out. Would've been freakier if he were carrying a large scissors.

This represents the entire spectrum of fashion choices women can make.

See? Secret agent men can be frumpy slobs, too.