Monday, January 31, 2011

An Imagined Conversation

"Hello. I'm here."
"Who the fuck are you?"
"I'm here to play the main stage at 9pm."
"Good one. I think you've got the wrong place, buddy."
"No, seriously, I'm the main act."
"Yes, me. I'm on the bill right there."
"No, sir. On the bill we have Kris Kristofferson, Merle Haggard, and George Jones playing a tribute to Waylon Jennings."
"Yes, and me."
"Sir, do you know where you are? You're at the Grand Ole Opry. Only country legends play here."
"Yes, I do play music from my country, too. But I'm mainly a classical guitarist. You can hear a lot of Spanish influence in my last CD, 'Romantico.'"
"Lissen, buddy. You're not playing shit anywhere here. Step aside. We're waiting for Willie Nelson to arrive."
"Like I said– I'm here!"

Friday, January 28, 2011

Wednesday, January 26, 2011

What The Fart, Channel 7 News Team In Boston?!

I seriously don't know what's going on here. The camera now crops your broadcasts so that your anchors are sitting way at the bottom of the screen while some MegaJumbotron screen the size of Chairman Mao's portrait runs a screensaver.

Apparently your producers have never been to photography or film school, because otherwise they'd know about the Rule Of Thirds, wherein a frame is divided to create well-balanced and interesting shots.

Maybe you're trying to make a bigger deal of your big TV screen, since you paid so much for it. Or maybe you're somehow so proud of your graphics department that you want to reward them with front-and-center attention.

Well, all I know is that Nestor at Diego's Salon is majorly PISSED that his handiwork is being relegated to the size of a grape.

Monday, January 24, 2011

More Hip Hop Album Cover Awfulness

Album: "Dirty Sprite, The Mixtape" by Future
Why It's Awful: Sprite? Really? Oh, wait a minute- it's DIRTY Sprite, so that's real street. My mistake.

Album: "Hatin' Don't Play" by H.W.A.
Why It's Awful: Okay, so when you're chubby like a 6-year old, and you wear athletic gear and baggy clothes like a 6-year old, you'd think you would avoid playing in the street like a 6-year old. Go to your room and think about what you've done. Your mother and I are very disappointed in you.

Album: "Money Everywhere" by Pooh Sauce
Why It's Awful: Okay, what self respecting worker would position his desk IN FRONT of the bank vault? You're eventually going to have to move the desk if someone wants to access it. And is Pooh Sauce on the phone while checking ANOTHER phone? Or does he have his finger in his ear? And don't even get me started on the name Pooh Sauce. And is that Noah's Ark in the reflection of the chrome letters? Pooh Sauce.

Album: "The Tonite Show" by Yukmouth
Why It's Awful: Nothing says "street" like Jay Leno and an unfunny talk show whose main demographic is over 50 years old.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Dumbest Things For Sale At The Salem Witch Museum

So last week I was in Boston, and I had a chance to visit the Witch Museum in Salem, Massachusetts.

At the end of the shitty tour, of course there was a gift shop, replete with witch paraphernalia: witch hats, witch t-shirts, brooms, noses, black cat figurines, etc. etc. etc.:

But in addtition to these tchotchkes, I found a series of totally random, unrelated merchandise:

Come to think of it, Kanye West does make absolutely perfect sense.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

They Can Put A Man On The Moon And A Dog In A Bed...

...but they can't put a dog in a bed AND remove the red eyes from a photograph.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Decisions, Decisions.

Spotted at a fish shop in Jersey: two ketchups and a group of fries are the only constant.

Friday, January 14, 2011

The EADJ Winter Fashion Show

It's time once again to walk and turn sassily down the runway with one hand on your hip, because EADJ is featuring the fashion industry's most popular winter offerings. Here's what to look out for in the salons this winter:

Kelsey shows her support of Giants pitcher Tim Lincecum in a full-sized silkscreened top from Armory Limited. Now she can have a World Series winner pitching directly from the mound of her round ass! And at $189.99 each, it's no wonder Kelsey's going back to the ATM!

"The Matrix" was a very popular movie in 1999, but don't tell Marjorie that! In a vinyl trenchcoat and knee-high boots, she's ready to both dodge bullets in slow motion and text her adult son to pick up some Sweet And Low from Albertson's.

Falling asleep on the subway platform with a fishing rod is fun again, as Richard demonstrates in a blue softball t-shirt and urban loafers from Globus.

Picking up where Marjorie left off, Heloise shows off her take on the Matrix "Trinity" look in a shiny faux leather dress with special saddle patches to compensate for her hippiness. Now watch her step out in these Glad Bags... I mean, glad rags! The leather purse with a gold chain and the hooker heels finish the ensemble with a giant "Wha?"

White, grey grey grey, white. That's the general take-away Frederic leaves you with as he slouches in this leatherette outfit from Goulashe. When standing upright, he even resembles a generic Q-Tip.

No one takes a dump in a trash can quite like the Yankees, and Earl displays his fandom in a black jacket with bedazzled multi-color Yankees logos.

And here's Milo in the dressier, no-logo version.

Barack Obama proudly wears a leather jacket displaying the seal of his office, letting everyone in Penn Station that he is the Commander In Chief, and you should not step to him.

Thursday, January 13, 2011

I've Never Hated An Object So Much In My Life.

Spotted at a Pottery Barn Kids in an upscale mall: a nonworking Dyson® vacuum that retails for $129.99. Really.

It's a Dyson, so the parents will assume it's quality because of the price and will teach their kids to be blindly faithful to brand names. And it's pink, so you know it's supposed to be for girls. Because women do all the cleaning. Well, the Mexican ones do.

If I ever won the lottery, I'd buy up all of these wretched pieces of shit and smash them under the weight of my angry balls.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

If You See A Suspicious Package At The Airport, Please Report It.

A suspicious package could be left in the middle of the airport, in plain view. So please keep your eyes peeled.

The package could take many forms. Like a brown paper package. Or a black roller. Or a gigantic industrial grey garbage can with a green garden hose running into it from the ceiling for no goddamned reason. You know, everyday things like that.