The Couples In Air Mattress Box Art and The Likelihood That They're Going To Bone

The Aisles of K-Mart are full of air mattresses. Not sure why I had to begin this entry with that sentence, but there you go. Intex has a different couples photo for each size of air mattress, so we decided to rank these in order of if we think they're going to bone on that thing later. Here goes:

Size: The Intex Deluxe Single High

Chemistry: Hot. Torrid. Tumid.

Likelihood They'll Bone: 100%. Full on horndog penetration already in progress.

Size: The Intex Premium Comfort Series 16"

Chemistry: Cozy, but awkward

Likelihood They'll Bone: 60%. She's probably preemptively giving him a buddy-hug to zone him out.

Size: The Intex Air Twin Bed Single

Chemistry: Simmering and smooth. ("Oh, the airbed is black, so let's get the black models!") 

Likelihood They'll Bone: 85%. My man is hiding a bottle of lube in that pillow.

Size: The Intex Classic Downy Plus

Chemistry: Stiff. Almost reclined but not quite. 

Likelihood They'll Bone: 45%. She's going home soon, and young Al Gore will be deflated.

Size: The Intex Dura-Beam Airbed

Chemistry: Dormtastically just friends. He wants to bang, but she's already thumbing through a back issue of Good Housekeeping

Likelihood They'll Bone: 0%. He should've bought a flip and fuck for the dorm lounge instead.

Always A Plus

Whenever a retail store uses the word "beyond," "plus," "more" or "things" in their name, I can't help but be suspicious of their motives. I know that a place named "Lampshades Plus" wants you to know that they specialize in lampshades, but sell more than just that, but who's to say that "plus" doesn't mean black tar heroin? Here now we help decode what these ambiguous terms really mean.


"Beyond" = bullshit that will clutter your already crappy bathroom


"Plus" = underage prostitutes


"More" = unaired episodes of "Boy Meets World"


"Beyond" = fingerpuppets that somehow fit your penis


"Things" = AIDS


"Plus" = an old autographed 8x10 of Dick Cavett


"Things" = merchandise rejected by Bed Bath & Beyond for being too chintzy

Welcome To My World.

An IM from J'Net, which reminded me of a certain scene in "Lost In Translation:"

In Some Social Circles,

You can tell the gender of a person by how tight their pants are.

Dumb YouTube Comment O' The Fortnight!

From V Cakes' homemade "PopLockAndDropIt" video, a comment by a MissAyari:

"yo V i got the same duvet on my bed lol"

Let's Bedazzle the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by J'Net, a very Leno-like caption in page 21 of the New Jersey Star-Ledger Home Finder:





"Am I right, Kevin?"

This is usually where I turn it to Letterman.

Word Up Your Arse

Nicknames for everyone!

Inspired by the President's penchant for handing out unwanted nicknames, Joel started dispensing his own to those around him:

His Long's Drugs pharmacist is now known as "Janky."

The dude with the big nose at the barber shop will hereforth be known as "Sunnuvagun."

His chimp servant will now answer to "Chad Yarborough." Why? No reason!

The cops that raped him that time will be called "Pushy and Penetrate-y."

Mr. Durwin, his neighbor from downstairs who accidentally killed his wife by running over her, will be labeled "The Widower-Maker." Janky!

And finally, every random dick that Joel eats he now calls either "Brad Harvey" or "Mel Kreilein." Why, Joel?

(pictured above, proof that Ponte Fresco hasn't made a heap of difference in the overall weight of 225 N Michigan residents)