Meanwhile, At the Gaslight...

"Okay, I'm taking off, Don."

"What? You just got here."

"No, I didn't. I'm clocking out. I've been working since 10am."

"That's not what it says on your timecard, Nathan."

"Yes, it does. Here, this is when I... What are you doing?"

"I ripped it up because the time was logged wrong. When you log your time in wrong, you get penalized, like we discussed before. Now punch in with a new card and get to work– you're doing a double shift."

"Wha..."

"No more talking. You're already working half wages for logging your time in wrong. Now GET TO WORK, NATHAN."

This Week's Newest Crowdfunding Opportunities

Since 2009, Kickstarter has helped almost dozens of companies successfully launch their products through crowdfunding. Here are this week's offerings that you can throw your money at:

• A pair of cute rabbit ears you put on your cat to piss them off more than anything

• The Benito Mussolini weathervane

• "Bath grenades"-  bath bombs that you have to throw over 30 ft or you'll get really hurt

• A portable device that makes a "gloop" sound whenever you walk so it sounds like you're a mud monster

• Whisker sprinkles? I dunno

• A unique beverage formed from fermented *gag* I can't even finish the description it's so gross *gag*

UAG

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto On How To Change Your Snapchat Username

There are times when you're no longer happy with your current username on a social media platform and would rather use a new one. Snapchat, like lots of other popular messaging apps, offers a way to change your name. However, what you are changing via their method is your Snapchat display name and not the username you set when creating the account. Here's how to change your actual username:

1) Open Snapchat and tap your Bitmoji icon at the top-left corner. 

2) Under “My Account” settings, tap “Name” to change your display name. .

3)All you have to do now is enter a new Snapchat display name and press the green “Save” button.

And speaking of "save", if you're riding in my limo after dinner and you bring some leftover food, PLEASE don't leave it in the car when you leave. You'll never believe how long it takes to get the smell of old Pad Thai out of leather.

Be safe, kids!

DoorDasher Photography Critique #2

Holy shit. Check out this one from "Camilla":

HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A MORE DRAMATIC DOORDASHER PHOTO?!

My God, it's like Hitchcock. Who took the photo? Why is the car idling in the middle of the road? What horror of horrors is Camilla about to commit on my doorstep? 

It must be stated that the biggest strength of this photo is the composition. Everything is contained in the doorframe whose shape is echoed in the open door itself. Both frame the action of Camilla ascending the stares, providing thrilling tension with the perspective and repeating lines of the stairs. A mundane delivery is transformed into a nail biting thriller of the highest order. Truly, truly excellent work!

Grade: A+++

Only During A Pandemic

 

Pictured above: they've finally designed a giant blender to chop up any students they detect has Covid.

Don't Mess With The Bull, Young Man. You'll Get The Racist Appliances

And So Concludes UAG Week

Day 4 of UAG Week

Day 3 of UAG Week

Day 2 of UAG Week

This Week: ALL UGLY ANDREW GALL ENTRIES

 You may not have noticed, but last week we skipped featuring our blog crutch entry Ugly Andrew Gall. But were back with a vengeance this week, using ALL UAG entries. So enjoy!

Today We Critique A DoorDasher's Photography

 I just got notice that some food was delivered:

The accompanying photo:

It might be a good time to examine the DoorDasher's work here:

DoorDasher "Miguel" has done something extraordinary here– he's managed to feature two main focal points(the mailbox and the food) that instead of fight each other create a harmonic balance.

Beyond the basic functional photographic proof of the food being delivered and the inclusion of my home address number, Miguel proves to be a master of composition, tension, and drama.

Aware of the "rule of thirds" in photography, Miguel has masterfully placed the Burger King bag right on the  lower third horizontal line. He's made good use of the edge of the table, creating a diagonal that points toward the mailbox to direct your eye. Also, either by design or serendipity, the vine and plant branches behind all converge back toward the DoorDash food, continuing the endless visual loop.

Grade: A+++

A masterpiece of DoorDasher photography. Perhaps its finest example yet.

Confusing Patches NOW On Sale!!!

 I received this email about some seriously rare patches:

I guess they're rare because nobody would know what the F they are. I mean, maybe Star Wars fans could see that's the Death Star (the superlaser focus lens is too small), and definitely Wu Tang fans could make out the big W shape, but why is it turned into a donut with sprinkles? I can't even read the pink/purple one. The whole thing looks like a dirty shower tile floor with a drain.

I'm just wondering what the thought process was to mix these three things together. Does RZA like donuts and Star Wars? Maybe. He's eclectic like that.

Memorable Dialogue From Movies I Haven't Watched - Mostly Smut Edition

"Wait a minute. Houses aren't alive to begin with, so none of them can die, right?"

"I'm so sex-starved, but you're forcing me to use my gun and body to satisfy you, since you own me! Jesus Christ, this doesn't make any sense..."

"Where do you want to go for lunch?"

"I dunno, where do you eat to go for lunch?"

"I may not be the most qualified private eye, but at least I've got... WHOOAAAAHH" *steps on rollerskate on top basement step*

"Oh no. Humanity is all zombies. We must pose and fight GO!"

"And when I saw that, I realized that selling was the greatest career a man could want. ’Cause what could be more satisfying than to be able to look up, at the age of eighty-four, twenty or thirty different cities, and pick up a phone, and be hated and shouted at and hung up on by many different people?"

"Are you 18 years old?"

"Barely!" *wink*

"Wait. Does that mean you are or you're not?"

"I'm barely!" *wink*

"I'm outta here."

Upcoming Double Feature

A semi-political comedy from 1999 featuring a young Michelle Williams and Kirsten Dunst (71% Fresh on Rotten Tomatoes) coupled with a 2010 Swedish comedy directed by Josef Fares (unrated on Rotten Tomatoes, but 46% Rotten Audience Score) makes for a great night in with your hand in your sweatpants!

Latest Alerts From Your Nest Detector

11/7/21      1:34pm      Checked status: OK

11/7/21      3:20pm      Detected movement in living room- probably rat or dog

11/7/21      4:10pm      Detected Toby taking another Toby dump

11/7/21      4:18pm      Detected that Toby did NOT flush; turned on fan

11/7/21      5:20pm      Smoke in kitchen- probably Gary trying to cook again

11/7/21      5:38pm      Detected argument between Toby and Gary

11/7/21      6:10pm      Heard loud slap

11/7/21      7:33pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      8:52pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      9:38pm      Heard "Levitating" by Dua Lipa (ft. Da Baby) upstairs

11/7/21      9:40pm      Turned off power to Amazon Echo upstairs. Jesus.

Some Upcoming InfoWars Conspiracy Theories

Conspiracy theories used to be fun. In the 90s, people would tune into The X-Files on Fridays to get the latest improbable but spooky theory about how the government was trying to control you. Now it's the bread and butter of tons of crazy podcasters, Facebookers and InfoWars to get you all riled up against everything under the sun to keep you afraid and addicted to fear/anger. Here are the newest conspiracy theories they'll be floating on that show soon:

• Lane Bryant is a skinny woman who sells plus size clothes as a cosmic joke

• Virtually every food that begins with a T will give you dick cancer

• If you don't convert all your money into gold bullions and NFTs, you will starve this summer

• "POC" stands for People Of Color, but it also stands for Purgatory Octopus Centurions

• If you suck on an old Nintendo cartridge instead of blowing on it, you can get high

• All raccoons drive around in a rented U-Haul to find trash cans worth raiding

• The blue line in pregnancy tests is actually a letter "I" that stands for INFERTILE

• You know what's inside hacky sacks? Dried up aborted fetuses.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Temporarily Scary: EADJ Goes Dark

For a brief 30 minutes today, we were having technical difficulties creating new posts on Blogger. Only getting this message instead:

For a second there, I thought after 4,610 entries over a course of 16 years (!) that EADJ had finally hit a post limit.

But I tried a little bit later, and we're live again! So I guess this counts as an entry...

UAG

Here Are The Shows That Are Being Removed And Added To HBO Max This Month

Periodically, Hulu renews or cancels shows or movies based on viewer preferences. Here now are all the shows that will be added to Hulu this month:

• Darn Them Hamsters!

• Michael Bay reboots Tuesdays With Morrie

• Why You Are NOT In Denial

• How Green Was My Vagina

Here are the shows and movies that Hulu is removing from their lineup this month:

• Willy Wonka and the Rampant OSHA Violations

• Spinoff: The King of Queens' Brother's Girlfriend's Aunt

• Meet The Press X Wipeout Mashup

• Bill Burr & Lavell Crawford Lie On a Pile of Money For 5 Hours

• Majestic Squid