Some Totally Unfair Criticism

Okay, I have seen some shit art before, but this might possibly be the blandest, most appalling turd of vanilla-beige cock that my eyes have been unfortunate to be molested by. Still-lifes are boring already, but what's this? A tray carrying a bowl of potpourri and some goddamned bottles of dried flower petals? What kind of fluffy-cloud, Holly Hobby, "I Love Country" dystopian prison camp is this supposed to be from? Rape me.


So you've got some shittily painted petals (not detailed enough to be realistic and not abstract enough to be Impressionistic) sitting in a poorly proportioned bowl that's covered in more smudgily painted petals. That's both meta and piss-poor! Also, it's labeled "POTPOUTTI," either because the painter cannot spell "potpourri" correctly or never learned their lower case r's. Either way, it makes a travesty of both public education and the state of art. What an abortion.


I could further rag on "Garuboa" or "Hamlox" or whatever the piss this person's name is, and how howlingly hilarious I find that they'd think someone would want to copy this artwork illegally, but I can think of more pleasant things to do, like chugging a punchbowl full of diarrhea or watching "Grey's Anatomy."

Crime and Punishment.

You know what's more annoying than the fact that the titles of Grey's Anatomy episodes are popular song titles? When somebody 'borrows' something from your desk and doesn't tell you. I come back from a 4-hour lunch yesterday and LOOK. Something's missing from my desk! Where the flock is my tape dispenser?


One of the CD's on another account works across the hall from me. He's a lovely, marvelous guy, but I remembered him borrowing my stapler the other week and not returning it. So it was safe to assume he borrowed it? Yes. And not only that, but you can see in the background of the shot below, his EMPTY tape dispenser.


He also used enough of my tape to pretty much end the roll. So that's no good.


My punishment for him? I take back my tape dispenser and leave a CD of terrible music on his desk. Take that!

Heads up, Joel.

A sudden, minor earthquake rattled the Thomas household today.

Several porcelain dicks were cracked from the tremor, as were Joel's dobro guitar and pink boots. Power was restored within minutes of an outage, so none the frozen dick in Joel's garage freezer were ever in danger. What did not survive, however, was Joel's 14 foot house of cards, which fell almost immediately. Why Joel set it up in the driveway, none of us can know.

Joel's chimp servant Chad Yarborough was disappointed to find its prized collection of Grey's Anatomy figurines strewn all about its quarters. It whimpered a bit but felt better once McSteamy and the rare Preston Burke figurines were found intact.

Their above-ground pool filled with goat semen, valued at $4500, was unfortunately destroyed.

(pictured above, Ayana displays a true relic: a portfolio with LAMINATED pieces with FELT backing)

Thanks, CVS for the Random Dude & Chick.

Early Sunday afternoon, this EADJ reporter developed some photos at the self service kiosk at CVS. Along with the regular photos of sheep intestines and retirement home snuff pics, this photo of a beaming, clean-scrubbed couple came out of the print slot. WHO THE FUCK ARE THESE PEOPLE?! The digital camera was double checked after theorizing that someone might have borrowed the camera at a bar outing. Nope. The mystery photo even showed up on the Kodak proof sheet at the end of the roll. So somehow this digital orphan was hiding in the kiosk's memory and decided to stow away on my dime.


The plot thickened after the photos were burned to a blank CD, and the photo showed up in the directory with its own title: "WebsitePic.jpg." What website was destined to host this happy duo besides Eat a Dick Joel: The Blog? How can we divine where this website is based on the geography of the CVS and the demographics of the photo's subjects?

First, what we can gather from the photo itself? Well, both people in the photo are pretty good looking. The chick is unquestionably bangable. Her brunette/auburn hair and bluish eyes betray a possibly Irish or Italian background. Her simple-floral-print-shirt-over-tank-top is frustratingly generic, although her Rachel-like hairdo suggests she probably comes from money. The dude is, I can admit it, pretty handsome. He looks in his late 20's to early 30's, although it seems he might be graying on the sides (unless that's just the flash). With an athletic build (with a tragically BLANK generic sweatshirt) and sitting upright with vigor, he seems like a pretty good match for our clingy redhead– a strong shoulder for her to cry on during emotional scenes of "Grey's Anatomy." Unless they're brother and sister, then, eww.


And where are these two? A blank red wall gives us nothing to go by, unless the new Lava looks just like that. The wooden furniture suggests a pub rather than a cheesedick club with striped shirts and the like. The stout-like consistency of the drink in the corner leads us to believe it's a bar that serves micro-brews. The odd shape of the glass confirms this. If anyone has any information that can lead to the identification of this lovely couple, Eat a Dick Joel has offered to buy you a Caffeine Free Diet Coke.

Oh, and Joel eats dick.

The Suzemily Players Rehearse, Part 2

Same scene, take 2. If I ever watched Grey's Anatomy, I could understand what the fuck these two are doing.

The Suzemily Players Rehearse

Some pivotal scene in Grey's Anatomy or something.

The Suzemily Players, Act II

(pictured above, The Suzemily Players reenact yet another scene from Grey's Anatomy)

A New EADJ feature: The Suzemily Players!!!!

(pictured above, The Suzemily Players reenact a scene from Grey's Anatomy)