Friday, May 29, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Chedda didn't care if his friends made fun of him- he bowled his best games with the 5 lb. kiddie ball.

"Aw, shit. Your ass just got CHUBSNUGGED!"

A quick peek inside the giant blue condom showed the prevention of at least eight hopeful emcees.

This is appropriate because people desperately want DJ Clue to go away and die but he keeps coming back again and again with shitty reverb sound effects.

"Hi, I'm La Chat, and I'll be your hibachi chef tonight. No, Joe Watanabe is out sick, but I got you, honey."

Jody and Ernie stood at the valet stand for an awkward 10 minutes before realizing someone stole their car.

Young Dolph later got an official cease and desist letter from the Nation of Zamunda.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Let's Slow-Bake The Seeds Out of the EADJ Mail Sack!

Submitted by Chris Stoltz via email:

"Did I send this? Well I'm sending it again dammit."

Monday, May 25, 2015

Friday, May 22, 2015

Yet Another Candidate Falls Short

Earlier today, another submission was brought to our attention in the hope that it could be included in the vaunted "Blackberry Exhibit." Unfortunately, it is just another failed attempt to piggyback on the artistic glory of a modern masterpiece.

Here's a breakdown of the submission– who we've dubbed "Trevor"– and why it ultimately did not qualify:

1) Trevor is indeed on a handheld device, thus satisfying the first requirement.

2) Upon closer inspection, however, it does appear that Trevor's facial expression is not the standard "sturgeon face" but instead small pursed "duck lips."

3) Although thematically aligned with the subject matter and despite its obvious addition to demographic diversity, Trevor is the latest in a long string of rejections. The celebrated octych remains.

"The Blackberry Face: A Season Of Delights" will be on display soon at the main pavilion in Norway's Lillehammer Art Museum starting July 15. Admission for members is 25 krone, general public 60 krone. Children under 10 are not permitted to come within 30 meters of the art piece as it is priceless. Armed guards will tranquilize any violators on sight.


Tuesday, May 19, 2015

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

And now is the time where we judge mixtapes solely by their cover:


"Come on, tell us. What's your password? JANEY? JANEY5? You can tell us. JSMITH? JANESMITH8? JANEPASSWORD9? Come on, give it to us already. JSUSER? MYNAMEISJANE35? JANE-SMITH-ISME?"

Not sure if this is a mixtape or Rated M for Mature for the Xbox 360.

Believe it or not, this album was released earlier this year, and not in 1998 at a Sam Goody / Coconuts in one of those long CD boxes.


Uh, whoa. Okay. Pass.

I swear if you blur your eyes, it looks like this guy is squatting and grabbing his naked crotch.

The stuff of hip hop nightmares.

You just know that when marijuana is eventually legalized nation-wide, there will be a whole cottage industry of weed-based hip hop that will suffer. Real talk.

Comic Strip Where The Last Panel Is Always A Remote Oil Rig

Eat a Dick, Cheney.

Monday, May 18, 2015

Brutal Finishing Moves of the New Mortal Kombat Game

Earlier in April, Mortal Kombat X (or MKX) was released for the PS4, Xbox One and Steam, and like its predecessors, features tons of violent finishing moves, or Fatalities.

Here is a list of the new Fatality finishing moves:

• Cassie Cage destroys Liu Kang's antivaccination rationale
• Takeda completely rips on Sonya Blade's Netflix rental history
• Kung Jin grabs Goro by the arm and tells him in private to "cool it about black people"
• Sub-Zero refuses to acknowledge Kitana at the next meet 'n greet mixer
• Kenshi doesn't deposit enough money into his and Quan Chi's joint bank account, thereby causing serious overdraft fees
• Mileena promises to pick you up at Baggage Claim but instead parks in Short Term and doesn't tell you
• Scorpion intentionally pronounces Kano's name wrong
• Johnny Cage disembowels D'Vorah, slashes her throat, and then skips out on their bar tab, leaving her to pay for everything
• Raiden starts texting to Goro, causing the gray circles in Chat by his name to show up, but doesn't end up typing anything at all, leaving Goro totally in suspense

Thursday, May 14, 2015

Trash Can With A Sunglasses Case On It Winked At A Guy

Trash Can With A Sunglasses Case On It Winked At A Guy

Stancheon grinned like an idiot.

Adjustment Icon On A Tablet could care less.

Mini Forklift was mystified by it all.

Black Roller couldn't bear to be left alone.

Stairwell Rack With Hearts was crazily in love.

Building Reflection creepily stared ahead.

White Kidnapper Van was ambivalent.