20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

The three previous entries of this subject covered quite a lot of ground when it comes to things that are more adorable than Ariana Grande, who by all impressions seems to think she's the baby bee's knees wrapped up in baby cat's pajamas with big manga eyes. Well, we're here to call bullshit on Ariana's claim and to present 20 way cuter alternatives:

1. Pandas dressed up as Teletubbies

2. Baby chicks wearing those little football helmets you used to get from gumball machines

3. The word "snafu"

4. Puppies with hiccups

5. Any cartoon bunny dressed up like a gangster

6. Children cosplaying as Jawas

7. Making a hamster eat at one of those tiny white pizza tables

8. Roly polys

9. Miss Piggy's aggressive courting style

10. A toddler trying to work a keg

11. European police sirens

12. Erotic hand shadow puppets

13. Gingham

14. People who stretch out their suspenders when thinking

15. The last Brussels sprout on your plate

16. Non-personalized license plates that still spell words like "HMM" or "YAH"
17. Calling a gunnery sergeant "gunny"
18. Miniature sombreros
19. Kittens sleeping in a Hulk Hand
20. That tiny puff of smoke when Wile E. Coyote hits the distant ground after falling

An Open Letter To Andrea Bocelli

Hey Man,

Thanks for the newspaper. I had no idea you and me both shared an interest in New Jersey local news and politics. I just assumed since you were a world-renowned opera tenor and the biggest-selling solo artist in the history of classical music, that you wouldn't care about The League of Municipalities convention where they'll debate over a property tax cap or Rutgers coach Greg Schiano's struggles after getting the Scarlet Knights tied for last place in the Big East. Who knew?

I mean, when you sang the part of Canio in Ruggero Leoncavallo's Pagliacci back in 2007, I had no idea you would one day be gladdened like I was at Governor Chris Christie patching up his sometimes rocky relationship with the New Jersey Chamber of Commerce ever since they strongly supported his then-opponent incumbent Jon Corzine!

Thanks again for for the paper, Andre. It has a lot of old articles about Artie Lang selling his Hoboken home and all, but the Sudoku is pretty fresh.

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with How To Delete Your Old Myspace Account

Now that Facebook and Twitter have pretty much taken over the social networking scene, you may find yourself ready to cancel and quit your Myspace account. Here's how you do it:

First, log in and click on "Account Settings" next to your page, then click on "Change Account Settings". You'll see "Change Account Settings."

Click on the link "Cancel Account," and you'll get a final warning:

"WARNING: Cancelling your MySpace account will PERMANENTLY REMOVE all of your profile information from MySpace, including your photographs, comments, journals, and your personal network of friends. This information cannot be restored. You may re-register your current email address after cancelling, but you will need to rebuild your personal network from scratch."

If this is truly what you want to do, click on "Cancel My Account" and it will be permanently closed.


And speaking of closing accounts, if you ever try to pay my car service with a check from an old canceled checking account, remember, I do know where you live. Stay safe, kids!

An Open Letter To Erin Esurance.

Damn girl, you used to be fine.


With your skintight catsuit and grappling hooks and whatnot.


Selling that car, boat, or motorcycle insurance like the fine bitch you are.


Doing flips and shaking what the Good Lord gave ya. Mmm, mm mm.


So why'd you have to go to Melanie Griffith's plastic surgeon? Damn shame, girl. Real damn shame.

Salivary Disturbing.

Over the years, I've noticed some people have a "wet mouth," meaning they always look like their lips are red and shiny. It gives me the impression that they've just finished a giant red popsicle.

A short list of celebrities who have a "Wet Mouth:"

•Macaulay Culkin


• that ginger kid from "Harry Potter"
• ESPN Fantasy Sports analyst Matthew Berry
• Gene Simmons (even when not doing the tongue thing)


• Jim Bakker
• every actress who played that blonde girl in "Atonement"
• both "Coreys"


• Kirk Cameron
• Jean Claude Van Damme
• Ewan McGregor
• Beck


• Juliette Lewis



Do you know any other wetmouths?

The Scourge of Backwards Devil Horns, A Photo Essay

The following are excerpts from the most recent issue of "Wassup" magazine. Or something.




Tragic.