Monday, February 27, 2017

The ProofrEADJer: This Is Not A Leap Year Edition

"Always discrete shipping," meaning they will not send you multiple dildos and butt plugs in the same box.

This typo on a contractor's van parked outside my house bothered me so much that I took it upon myself to correct it:

Much better!

Friday, February 24, 2017

20 More Things That Are Cuter Than Ariana Grande

The three previous entries of this subject covered quite a lot of ground when it comes to things that are more adorable than Ariana Grande, who by all impressions seems to think she's the baby bee's knees wrapped up in baby cat's pajamas with big manga eyes. Well, we're here to call bullshit on Ariana's claim and to present 20 way cuter alternatives:

1. Pandas dressed up as Teletubbies
2. Baby chicks wearing those little football helmets you used to get from gumball machines
3. The word "snafu"
4. Puppies with hiccups
5. Any cartoon bunny dressed up like a gangster
6. Children cosplaying as Jawas
7. Making a hamster eat at one of those tiny white pizza tables
8. Roly polys
9. Miss Piggy's aggressive courting style
10. A toddler trying to work a keg
11. European police sirens
12. Erotic hand shadow puppets
13. Gingham
14. People who stretch out their suspenders when thinking
15. The last Brussels sprout on your plate
16. Non-personalized license plates that still spell words like "HMM" or "YAH"
17. Calling a gunnery sergeant "gunny"
18. Miniature sombreros
19. Kittens sleeping in a Hulk Hand
20. That tiny puff of smoke when Wile E. Coyote hits the distant ground after falling

Thursday, February 23, 2017

A Few More Mall Kiosks And What Their Attendants Are Probably Thinking

The following is what Christian at the Cell-Fun kiosk in Minot, North Dakota was thinking about:

• I can't believe I get paid to surf on Yahoo.
• I am so lonely, actually.
• That nerdy sister from "Modern Family" has a rack, hasn't she?

The following is what Trent at the Custom You Always kiosk in Provo, Utah was thinking about:

• I can't decide if I'm a tit man, an ass man, or a dick man
• I wish they'd make Nutty Buddies but without the nuts, cuz I'm allergic
• I just sharted, but I only have 3 more hours till I have to clock out.

The following is what Emilio at the Repair Screenz Explosion kiosk in Jonesboro, Arkansas was thinking about:

• FUCK, where is my wallet???!!!
• Did one of those kids who walked by pick my goddamned pocket???!!!! I'll KILL THEM!!!!
• Oh, there it is. Other pocket. :)

The following is what Saanvi at the Carved Edge kiosk in Auburn Hills, Michigan was thinking about:

• Am I going crazy, or are there swastikas in the carpet?
• I definitely need to keep an eye on the merchandise- otherwise someone might steal all of it, and that's gotta be worth about $23.
• I poisoned the box of Munchkins in the break room fridge to catch the lunch thief. NOW I WAIT.

The following is what Hilary at the Exotic Stones LLC kiosk in Delray Beach, Florida was thinking about:

• In front of a Kay Jewelers is a pretty dumb place to have an exotic stones kiosk, if you ask me.
• I'll always regret stabbing my junior prom date. Poor Thad... Chad?
• I bet there's enough storage room under here to take a long nap in.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 2pm):

• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
• Charlotte McKinney
• zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

The following is what Evelyn at the PUSSY HO BITCHEZ kiosk in Milford, Delaware was thinking about:

• They should really consider changing the name of this kiosk.
• There really is no need for such a vulgar business name. It's hurting sales.
• I should tell Betty.

 The following is what Takeo at the Must Relax Massage kiosk in Martinsburg, West Virginia was thinking about (around 4:30pm):

• Ah! I am so relaxed and well rested!
• I hope I didn't miss any potential clients during my little nap there, heh heh.
• Charlotte McKinney really does have an amazing rack.

 The following is what Bruce at the Lug Along Luggage kiosk in Danvers, Massachusetts was thinking about:

• This is nice. I get to own my own business and dictate my own hours here.
• The atmosphere is so relaxing, and I get to sit the entire time!
• Which one of these cases had the heroin in it, again? I should make a mental note.

 The following is what Gladys at the Royal Sheets kiosk in Elizabeth, New Jersey was thinking about:

• I can't stop watching "Big Bang Theory," and yet I hate everyone on that show.
• Chicken fried steak. Who the shit invented that? Morons.
• I bet if I bounced my leg enough, I could achieve orgasm right here.

Monday, February 20, 2017

Here Are Your Job Numbers For Feb 2017

Dear losers associates,

As co-Vice President of Asys, the parent company that has merged with your company (and will eventually completely absorb it LOL), it is my duty to inform you that this is the last week you can fill out your little timesheets in your quaint way before our awesome automated way takes over.

So without further ado, here are the job numbers you are supposed to use before we lay you off... whoops did I say "lay you off?" I meant "lay you off."

Here ya go:

636836: Wishin'

003395: Hopin'

119355: Thinkin'

391004: Prayin'

773932: Creating a cinematic universe

911345: Falling for that old trick again

585574: Saying "that looks dumb" out loud after a movie trailer

883610: Changing your relationship status from "it's complicated" to "I'm basically a universally incompatible person"

527201: Mansplaining manscaping

725595: Blowing your nose while Creedence is playing in the background

925025: Realizing that DJs who pump their fists more are actually DJing less.

244444: Converting your Sea Monkeys to Christianity

4305560: re-dubbing footage of Donald Trump so he sounds like a Dickens street urchin

882615: chucking your mixtape into the crack of Jay-Z's limo window

642889: uploading Twenty One Pilots songs onto your 2006 brown Zune

3772922: not smokin' 'em because you don't got 'em

7652832: taking the time to fill out the customer survey- winning nothing

Friday, February 17, 2017

The Most Common Answers That Soccer Bunny Gives During ESPN Interviews

• "Yeah, I'm a goalie Soccer Bunny. That's why I get to touch the ball with my hands."

• "No, in Europe, I'm still known as Soccer Bunny, not Football Bunny."

• "Yes, that's supposed to be my likeness on the bottom of the box."

• "About $680 million a year."

• "As a matter of fact, yes. I'm dating Bella Hadid."

• "I'm not going to answer that question. But I'll just say that I'm part Moroccan."

• "Four."

• "No siblings. Although my cousin is a chocolate shark in Walgreen's."

• "No, $3.68 doesn't sound like a random, arbitrary number to me."

• "Hmm... Probably Seth Myers, Rebecca Black and Indira Gandhi."

• "Missionary."

• "No, I can't do any product endorsements since I am a product myself."

• "'The Shack' by William P. Young. It is so inspirational."