I'm A Strawberry Scooter Crunch, And I'm Here To Tell You Everything's Going To Be Okay

Wassup bitches? I'm sure you've got a lot on your mind lately– your job, your credit card debt, the pandemic of course. But I'm here to bring you comfort and a small soupçon of happiness, because I am a fuckin Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

But, oh, you have bigger problems than a prepackaged ice cream snack can provide? You have to meet with your parole officer who told you on the phone that he doesn't have good news for you? Some family members of yours have joined a doomsday cult and won't stop aggressively trying to recruit you? Your body odor is so out of control that you have to see a Belgian specialist? Well, I never promised that I could solve any major crises in your life. Only a temporary respite from what may be getting you down. I am only a Strawberry Scooter Crunch.

From the delicious crunchy outer layer (made up of... what is this- crumbled cookies?) to the sweet multilayered vanilla-and-strawberry ice cream center, I am the perfect distraction from the fact that the new house you bought was built over a cursed execution site or that your favorite baseball player has gotten the yips.

And long after you've finished me and chucked the popsicle stick, the memory of even having enjoyed me can comfort you as you wait in line at the DMV, get dumped by your therapist or gamble your kids' inheritance at the blackjack table. Salut!

Names of Public E-Scooters That Are Either Real Or Could Be

Bird

Lime

Jump

Skip

Putz

Bolt

Circ

Slutz

Dott

Fuck

Poppi

Cock

Beam

Trotti

Shits

Spin

Berkowitz

A Reminder From Your H.R. Department: DO YOUR TIMESHEETS!

Hello. This is Adrian from H.R. If you're getting this email, that means you still have August timesheets to complete. Please have them done by end of day today. Thank you.

For those of you who have received this email twice today, that means you have both July and August timesheets to complete by end of day. I cannot stress how crucial it is that you complete these so we can get submissions to payroll. Those of you who have not completed June, July, AND August timesheets should have received three emails today, plus a written note from myself and our president Don Guffner on the importance of doing timesheets in a prompt and accurate manner. These written notes were hand-signed by Mr. Guffner himself.

To complete your time sheets, just open your Auto Timesheet software in your "Applications" bar. You have to quit out of any running applications to launch this. A dialogue box will ask for your employee number, social, and Auto Timesheet password. If you have not been issued an Auto Timesheet password yet, the default is "CUNTRAPISTS3." I have no control over this as the default password. Sorry.

Next, go to "File: Open" then click on the radio button that says "Start a new timesheet entry." Do not click on "OK," because that will take you back to the launcher. Instead, press control-T-space bar, and that should begin your timesheet entry. From there, you can search for the proper timecode by typing "search" in the upper left-hand search bar. If you type "search"in the lower left-hand search bar, it will delete all your previous entries and reset all your account passwords. If you do this by accident, your default password is "CUNTRAPISTS3." Like I said before, I apologize but cannot do anything to change this as your default password. It came with the system.

Repeat these steps for every job number you need to enter. If you have PTO, please go to "File: Alternate Entry," then click on "Paid Leave" where you can enter the dates of your paid time off. Do not click on "unpaid leave" by accident. I think you know what happens if you do. Yep. "CUNTRAPISTS3."

If you have any questions about timesheet entry between now and 5pm, please don't hesitate to call me, Adrian, or my office mate Hadrian. My extension is x35667, and Hadrian's is the same except with one digit off at the end. Good luck!

Adrian
Human Resources

Project Hillbilly Teeth, Phase 3

(cue irritating banjo music)


Project Hillbilly Teeth continues into its third stage, marking the first trilogy. Here now is a recap of PHT's mission goals:

1) find discarded business cards in public places

2) retain these business cards to protect these innocent people from identity thieves

3) mail to those people a confusing letter with a free package of "Bubba" Hillbilly Teeth

4) bask in how much confusion you imagine them feeling


It must be reiterated that our purpose here is to provide awareness to the dangers of identity theft. This is a serious undergoing that has inspired dozens of high schools and technical colleges to request that we come by to speak to kids, but we don't want to do that crap. If "Dr. T and the Women" taught us anything, it's that we must protect ourselves before we wreck ourselves.

This round, we had gathered business cards from streets, gutters, and train platforms to bring you a veterinarian, a TV political analyst, and a scoutmaster.

Click to enlarge and read:




And here now are the requisite composites of how we imagine these fine people looking when they try on the hillbilly teeth:




It's a colossal waste of time!

(end irritating banjo music)

SFVOSP Addendum

After writing an entry whose main thrust was about the SFVOSP's footwear, it seemed a little silly not to include that detail in the drawing. So Andrew drew this: