Wednesday, February 28, 2007
(pictured above, to help celebrate Dean's birthday yesterday, two renditions of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson have sex on Dean's shoulder)
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
The Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson was briefly spotted when an elevator stopped on the 22nd floor of 225 North Michigan. A witness glimpsed him when an elevator stopped on 22. The doors to an opposite elevator were closing and he could be seen very, very briefly. He remains very elusive.
What this means:
1) The SFVOSP definitely works in this building.
2) The SFVOSP likely works in the same elevator bank as Cramer-Krasselt.
3) The SFVOSP probably works on the 22nd floor.
4) Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), Andrew Gall, Larry Liss, Todd Crisman, and David Estoye are not delusional.
More to come as this story develops.
(picture above, a witness' rendition of the SFVOSP as seen from the elevator)
(Editor's note: One of the regular Suzemily Players is out of town, so her understudy Emily Kane is filling in. This does not necessarily constitute Suzemily quorum. More on that later.)
This is where body text usually goes.
(pictured above, the Suzemily Players* perform a scene from American Idol)
*Up for debate
Monday, February 26, 2007
We at EADJ realize that Joel is an aspiring screenwriter. To help him in his quest for reaching his achievement of his goal, we wish to guide him to be the best screenwriter he can aspire to hope to be. The EADJ staff are big movie buffs, and we wanted to point out the biggest script clichés to avoid in case Joel desired to be a groundbreaking writer. Conversely, if Joel wanted to get hired by any crap studio so he could eat dick and write lame scripts, here is a handy laundry list.
Least-Surprising Plot Devices:
• Climactic scene where the villain and the good guy wrestle with one gun– BANG! Who got shot? Who? Surprise, it's the bad guy! Yay!
• Climactic scene where villain is about to shoot the good guy– BANG! And someone else shoots the bad guy just in time! Yay!
• Stupid scene where two crazy dudes are jumping their car over something, turn to each other and say "SHIIIIIIIIIT!"
• Scene where the bad guy turns out to be– the good guy's boss! Surprise! (Bonus: The bad guy is identified via a computer image that is slowly getting sharper and sharper)
• Some valuable cargo is supposed to be delivered or found, and the cargo turns out to be– surprise! A chick! (or a child)
• Stupid scene where the good guy kicks the bad guy against a wall, and– surprise! There was something sharp on the wall, thus killing the bad guy without technically making the good guy a killer! Yay!
• Scene where the good guy's kids have always hated him until he reveals that he does something awesome for a living. It impresses the hell out of the kids, and they instantly respect him from then on. Yay!
• Any car chase scene that involves two workmen walking with a large pane of glass, whether breaking the glass or not breaking the glass or just missing the glass and having one of the workmen drop the glass, whatever. ENOUGH!!!!!
• Same goes for a workman laying fresh concrete on the sidewalk.
• Same goes for a workman on a ladder hanging a banner above a street.
• You know what? Any car chase scene, period.
• Any scene involving Joel onscreen where a cock is being eaten. Expected!
(pictured above, a raging alcoholic celebrates 430 days without a drink)
(this entry has been provided as a service to the many EADJ readers who have requested a section devoted to the art of metallurgy)
Electroplating is a popular surface-treatment technique. It involves bonding a thin layer of another metal such as gold, silver, chromium or zinc to the surface of the product. If the product is Joel, then the substance used is dick. It is used to reduce corrosion as well as to improve the product's aesthetic appearance.
Aluminium, copper, tin and gold are used in power lines, wires, printed circuit boards and integrated circuits. Integrated circuits sometimes have dick, and then Joel is used to eat that dick to fully integrate the unit. Soldering is a method of joining metallic electrical conductors where high strength is not required. Dick-in-Joel is another method of joining dick to hungry, hungry Joel Thomas.
(pictured above, only by going to a bridal store at a strip mall in the suburbs can you ever see a sweet poster like this)
Joel got punched at a country western bar Saturday night. A bouncer spotted Joel eating a fiberglass horse's dick that was mounted above the bar. Joel argued that it was just fiberglass, and he was just killing time while the bartender made his Daiquiri. The bouncer punched Joel a second time for spelling "Daiquiri" that way.
(pictured above, through the magic of computers, the real Scott Peterson examines two copywriter-drawn renditions of the short, fatter version of himself)
Sunday, February 25, 2007
Highlights from the "Send Joel to Michelle Branch Charity Concert:"
• Cake sing a Johnny Cash cover, changing the lyrics from "I Walk the Line" to "Joel Eats a Dick."
• 4 Non-Blondes reunite briefly before realizing it was a terrible idea.
• Nicole Kidman comes out to introduce her new husband, Michael Buble.
• Fred Durst delivers six pizzas to the venue, doesn't get tipped.
• Jesus Lizard plays 4 one-word songs. Guess which four words.
• Red Hot Chili Peppers play yet another song that sounds identical to "Under the Bridge."
• Kid Rock pours his hepatitis onto a thirsty crowd.
• Joel joins The Decemberists and Arcade Fire on stage. It's the first time the two bands have ever been booed.
(pictured above, Kelly Marrazza takes it cardboard-style)
Friday, February 23, 2007
(pictured above, two renditions of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson wish Marshall a happy 45th birthday)
Joel's gone craft crazy!
After making a candleholder from popsicle sticks, yarn and glitter at a recent workshop for 'tards, Joel has fully embraced the world of craftmaking. He recently told his manager that crafts is a close second to eating dick as his favorite pastime.
Spending thousands at the nearby Joann Fabrics store, Joel has full-heartedly thrust himself into cross stitching, patchwork, scrapbooking, crochet, knitting, haberdashery, beadwork, quilting, swallowing cock, shell decorating, card making, paper making, bookbinding, jewelry making, wood sculpture, ironwork, papier maché, candle making, pottery, soap making, polymer claywork, bouquet arrangement, miniature work, sweater embroidery, and napkin folding.
But he has utterly refused to try his hand at wreathmaking. He said that's for pussies.
(pictured above, the greatest photo of all time)
(the following is a firsthand account from Larry Liss, who, along with Andrew Gall, spotted the SFVOSP Wednesday night)
Having witnessed the entire scene, I can tell you that Andrew's story is 98% true. The other 2% is that Andrew seemed to be touching himself.
(pictured above, Larry Liss' version of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson, spotted on Wednesday night)
Thursday, February 22, 2007
(the following is a firsthand account from Andrew Gall, who spotted the SFVOSP last night)
The time: approximately 6:20 pm. The place: CVS. The scene: The shorter, fatter version of Scott Peterson waiting to pick up some photos. The weather was unseasonably warm yesterday, and the SFVOSP clearly took notice. He was clad in a short-sleeved plaid shirt, jeans, and had sunglasses atop his head. He looked fairly anxious; perhaps if he had revealed his status as the SFVOSP to the CVS photo technician, perhaps he would have received his photos in a more timely manner. It cannot be known for certain. What is certain is that he is alive, well, and still shorter and fatter. My eyewitness report was corroborated minutes later by Larry Liss, who saw the SFVOSP still waiting. And still being shorter and fatter.
(pictured above, Andrew's own rendering of the Shorter, Fatter Version of Scott Peterson)
Editor's Note: When asked if he thought it was actually Scott Peterson at first, Andrew said, "No. I knew exactly who it was."
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
(pictured above, Tianna helps Balls and Andrew model the sweet fucking new Thumper Thursday t-shirts.)
A Purell-sponsored PSA campaign has been released today with Joel as its spokesperson. The campaign urges young people to clean whatever dick they're about to eat. Purell has released statistics stating that over the past four years, over 60% of young people who eat dick haven't cleaned it or didn't know where the dick has been. The campaign consists of three spots: "Itch," "Scrubbing," and "Balls Too." Joel uses his trademark good looks and charm while speaking to the camera. He even wears his trademark teal leather jacket with rivets spelling "TOSS THAT MEAT" on the back. More installments of the campaign are to be filmed later this year in Modesto and Bangkok.
(pictured above, Kenurkey angrily denies rumors that he's been sent by Joel to divert the teasing his way)
Tuesday, February 20, 2007
Damn that Ticketmaster!
The online ticket broker opened the box office this morning and charged $85 a ticket for an upcoming Michelle Branch concert in L.A. And Joel, being the #1 Michelle Branch fan that he is, has waited months for Branch to come to town just to hear "Everywhere" live. The steep ticket price, however, has forced Joel to pawn almost every copy of Sweet Valley High in his collection, including #101 "The Boyfriend War" with the rare cover. He has also placed an ad in the paper as a "Dick-Eater" for corporate or special events.
EADJ has opened a "Send Joel to Michelle Branch" fund. Donations in amounts of $5, $10, and $85 are welcome. Get ready for some serious female singer/songwriter rocking out, Joel!
(pictured above, Kenurkey presents some Corona concepts to Marshall)
Monday, February 19, 2007
Joel spent President's Day tooling around the house scratching his now-defined pecs.
Later in the afternoon, neighbors in the complex complained of the smell when Joel decided to try grilling bologna and dick with vinegar on his porch. Noise complaints were also filed when Joel started cranking his Saigon Kick albums. Joel almost got arrested when he refused to turn it down until the last verse of "Spanish Rain" was done. Police, as usual, let him off with a stern warning.
Mrs. Betterham next door tried to start a conversation with him about her favorite soap, "Wicked Wicked Games." Either social awkwardness or painful memories of the botched screenplay prevented Joel from engaging with her. He instead stared at her pale, pendulous breasts hanging low in front of her belly, swaying lazily every time she shifted weight onto another foot. He asked her if she had a son or nephew nearby. Or anyone with dick.
Joel spent the rest of the day alone.
(pictured above, Joe Baran provides a visual balance to his incandescent forehead)
Friday, February 16, 2007
Whenever Joel is in an introspective, soul-searching mood, he goes to the nearest sweat lodge and talks to his spirit animal, the angora rabbit.
His shaman translates from rabbitspeak whatever the spirit animal says to Joel. Last week it was "KILL ALL CHILDREN" and "RAPE SOMETHING, QUICK!" This week the wise angora rabbit said "WHY DO YOU LET THAT BLOG MAKE FUN OF YOU, YOU FUCKING PUSSY?!!!! MURDER THAT BLOGGER!!!! KILL HIM!!! BOMB HIS SERVER!!!!" Unfortunately, Joel was too busy eating the shaman's dick to write it down. Whoopsie.
(pictured above, the worst gang ever)
Thursday, February 15, 2007
(The following is an excerpt from a Japanese instructional manual for Joel)
INSTLUCTION AND CARE FOR YOUR HOUSEHOLD JOEL PLEASE:
1) Keep the Joel in place of dryness!
2) To wake Joel, hold thumbs near throte and throttle until wake!
3) Joel eats lots of different variety dick. Feed liberally with lots!
4) Happy Joel smile and break-dance. Sad Joel mope with sullenness.
5) Penhouse Pet Varentina Vaughn
(pictured above, Jessica's ass, as seen via JessicaFostervision)
Wednesday, February 14, 2007
A 1982 publicity photo of Tianna in the first season cast of "Silver Spoons" on NBC. Sold for $1.8 Million.
DJ Kay Gee, Tianna, Treach, and Vin Rock on the cover of their 1993 single "Hip Hop Hooray." Sold for $320,000.
Joel was tearfully given a momento from the family of his former mentor Tianna: the angora rabbit's water bottle. Filled with the $200-a-bottle Bling gourmet bottled water, it was the last possession not auctioned off by Christie's this morning. Joel reportedly stayed dry-eyed until he saw that the nozzle was sort of phallic. He then slobbered and cried until he shat his cargo shorts. Tianna's former handlers were asked to clean him up.
Visionary German filmmaker Werner Herzog has shown interest in directing "DICK APPETIT: The Joel Thomas Story," a hot script which has made the rounds in recent weeks. Variety reports that Herzog would prefer to cast an unknown in the title role, saying that since Joel is pretty unknown already, he might as well jump in front of the camera. Whatever.
(pictured above, Peter K displays the new nickname Three 6 Mafia gave to him.
It's tax time, and Joel filed his taxes via Turbotax.com to receive his refund more quickly. On his 1099 he listed "DICK" in the "Miscellaneous income and tips" box. The unfortunate entry, however, crashed the Turbotax server and caused everyone in Montana to receive $5000 free. The good people of capital city Helena showed their appreciation by naming one of their horse paths "Honorary Joel Eating Dick Way." Joel has also been invited to come visit and speak before a crowd of six in City Hall- two who are reported to own dicks- and Joel has enthusiastically pencilled it into his calendar.
(pictured above, three not very smart people would rather look at an ad for "America's Next Top Model" than seek shelter from a snowstorm)
**Update** The crashed Turbotax server has also inexplicably subtracted $40,000 from the account of a Galen Tomlinson, who played "Turbo" on American Gladiators from 1990-1996.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Joel set his career in a new direction today. He announced through his publicist that although he will continue to eat dick professionally, he will also pursue his childhood dream of frenching ass.
"Frenching ass has been a neglected and underappreciated artform," read publicist Bernie Cofax, "I have made it my new life mission to return this noble lost art to the public eye."
Joel plans to publicly french ass at the Museum of Contemporary Art in Chicago, then maybe eat a dick or two at Mr. Beef afterwards. Joel assures his longtime fans of dick-eating that this new direction will add to his repertoire and not distract from the eating o' the dick.
(pictured above, Nikki bills 4 hours to Perez Hilton)
Monday, February 12, 2007
In an unprecedented NASCAR move, stock car racing driver Elliott Sadler announced that he would be displaying a decal with the phrase "Eat a Dick, Joel" on his front hood for FREE.
"I thought about it," said the Dodge-sponsored driver at a press conference at Madison International Speedway, "and I done think that Joel done do the dang dick-eating real good now yeehaw."
Sadler proceeded to pinch some chaw into his lower lip and hate blacks.
This announcement sent shockwaves through the racing community, a lot like how the death of Tianna sent shockwaves through the Angora rabbit community. Some detractors think that the free "sponsorship" will lead other drivers to put stickers with meaningless phrases on their cars, making them look gaudy and ridiculous.
"Dang ding dang dang whoohaw ***BURP***" said longtime racing fan Earl Haggerty before fucking his sister and seceding from the Union.
Joel could not be reached for comment during the press conference, for the dicks of drivers Matt Kenseth, JJ Yeley, Paul Menard, Greg Biffle, Sterling Marlin, Tony Stewart, Ken Schrader, Dave Blaney, Jamie McMurray, Kevin Harvick, Casey Mears, David Gilliland, David Stremme, Bobby Labonte, Juan Montoya, and Reed Sorenson were all being eaten by him.
***CORRECTION*** The car pictured above does not, in fact, belong to Elliott Sadler but to DeWalt-sponsored driver Matt Kenseth. Like anyone gives a shit.
Friday, February 9, 2007
The untimely death of Tianna has sent shockwaves through the entertainment industry. The English Angora rabbit, bred by Betty Chu and most known for her All Breed Best In Show win in 2003, was found unconscious in her cage yesterday afternoon and died in hospital later that night. Joel gave a heartfelt eulogy at a memorial service at Hubbel's Pet Store on Sunset Blvd. Through tears, he recounted how Tianna gave him his big break and nurtured him into the big dick-eater that he is today.
"I can't begin to tell you how much Tianna has meant to me. Every dick I eat reminds me of her."
Joel then had to be helped away from the podium because he had almost fainted.
"This would make a great plotline for a screenplay I could write if anybody's interested..." Joel said before collapsing.
The medical examiner now performing an autopsy on the body of Tianna says he hopes to release preliminary information later today. The pet and former County Fair winner died Thursday at the age of 4. Joe Nudelman (don't laugh) has also been asked to speak at her funeral.
Thursday, February 8, 2007
(The ongoing saga of the elusive Shorter Fatter Version of Scott Peterson continues. This entry is by guest writer Joe Nudelman (don't laugh), who graciously provided us with his take on the recent dearth of SFVOSP sightings. This entry is in black and white to hearken back to the romantic days of film noir.)
The shorter and fatter version of our beloved (term used loosely) Scott Peterson has proven to be quite elusive, and therefore much more cunning than might have otherwise been assumed. He has been spotted, both rarely and briefly, in the lobby in the general vicinity of the elevators. One can only assume due to the subjects’ stout stature that he frequents such fine eating establishments as Sbarro and Dunkin’ Donuts. Both businesses are within short range of the elevators, and could prove to be prime locales to camp in hopes of catching a glimpse of the ‘Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson’.
It is my personal theory that the Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson (above) has proven quite difficult to spot for several reasons. If you take note to this side-by-side comparison between the ‘human’ Scott Peterson and the ever elusive Shorter & Stouter Scott Peterson (below), you will note the bulbous belly area, accompanied by his short stature, likely due to a stunted and primitive physical development, create a much more animalistic appearance than that of Scott Peterson.
Therefore, it is my conclusion that this ‘man’ is not a man at all. But in fact, that which we’ve all come to know as the 'Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson' is more of a sub-human primitive creature. He is likely more of a distant relative of the fantastical Sasquatch, known to many as ‘Big Foot’. I would, however, be more inclined to infer that this sub-humanoid creature is more, in essence, a ‘Little Foot’. I say that not simply because the film The Land Before Time is great and should be referenced more often; but as a result of the Shorter & Fatter Scott Peterson’s lack of height. Seeing as this is a creature of the wild that we are dealing with here, and what with winter and her blisteringly cruel elements in full effect; in all likelihood, the beast is hibernating. He is simply waiting for Spring to have sprung before emerging from the cave that is his garden apartment, and attempting to function in our scary go-go world. – Joe Nudelman
Wednesday, February 7, 2007
Devendra Banhart, Sufjan Stevens, and Sondre Lerche held a press conference today to announce a new supergroup that they have formed as a tribute to Joel's dick-eating career. The three extremely-difficult-to-spell musicians will release a CD later this summer, with special guest appearances by Sigur Rós, Hilmar Örn Hilmarsson, Björk Guðmundsdóttir, and Mr. Mxyzptlk. The CD will be titled "W.A.R.H.T.S.B.W.A.A.T.W.W.J.T.E.A.D" which is short for "We are really hard to spell but we all agree that we want Joel to eat a dick." Fergie will also appear on the inside sleeve art for some reason.
(pictured above, I don't know what the hell happened here, but I'm pretty sure it's Brad Harvey's fault.)
Tuesday, February 6, 2007
(pictured to the right, someone left a Battlestar Galactica comic book in the C-K men's room. And Bill Dow hasn't worked here in months.)
The following is an actual conversation recorded yesterday via phone:
Chen: Chen's Garden How can I help you
Joel: Hello? I'd like to order some delivery?
Joel: One large #609, Beef with Black Bean Garlic Sauce?
Joel: But could you substitute the beef with dick?
Joel: Yes, please. Lots of dick. No beef.
Chen: Beef dick
Joel: No, you stupid fucking chink. Just dick.
Joel: Whatever, Chairman Mao. How much?
Chen: Small or large
Joel: LARGE DICK, you slant-eyed FOB.
Chen: What is fob
Joel: FRESH OFF THE BOAT. Learn your goddamned racial slurs!!!!
Joel: Hello? Hello? I'm sorry Chen! Chennnnnnnnnnnnnn!
(pictured above, Margaret Powell from Houston wins $6000 when she solves the phrase "PAT A DUCK, JOWL" )
Monday, February 5, 2007
So the Bears lost the Super Bowl. They showed a lot of heart, they showed some great effort, they should be proud of what they've accomplished, yah yah yah.
Well at least the commercials were great.
Like the one where the Ford pickup truck MAGICALLY assembles by itself while some white dude talks about the rack and pinion whatsamahoogie.
Or the Fedex one where there's an office on the moon, and like everything is floating, and the dude gets taken out by a comet. That's gold, Jerry, gold!
The EADJ cease and desist letter was not delivered in time to stop the airing of the "Eat a Twizzler, Joel" spot (That's the last time we trust UPS with our legal documents). In the trade magazines, Twizzlers parent company Hershey's argued that the commercial was a self-referential parody, a lot like the Kevin Federline one. As if, cunts!
(pictured above, a dubious fashion choice is made even dubious-er in -6º weather)
Friday, February 2, 2007
• At 8pm on Tuesday, a call was placed complaining of a trespasser behind the city dump. Officers investigated the scene to find Joel fighting with a bunch of seagulls over an abandoned dick. Joel was let off with a warning.
• A domestic dispute in Falun Gong Heights turned out to be just Joel eating dick really loudly and furiously. Joel was let off with a warning.
• Police responded to a 480 call in uptown when a pedestrian was struck by a hit-and-run driver. EMT's were on the scene to administer aid to the victim, and Joel was later in the ambulance furiously administering dick-eating. Joel was let off with a warning.
• Police were called on a 10-66 call at the flea market on the campgrounds. The suspicious person was not in fact a terrorist but Joel furiously eating dick through a ski mask. Joel was let off with a warning.
Stay tuned to EADJPD for the latest in Joel-related dick eating news.
Thursday, February 1, 2007
Jamba Juice announced a new dick smoothie for people like Joel. Well, just for Joel. The press packet (***FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE***) announced "Jamba Juice's all new Dick Mixes contain all the delicious dick Joel wants without the fat or carbs!" It also read that when you're on the go, and you can't stop for dick, grab a new Dick 2 Go Mixer and take that cock in a cab.
Although they seem pretty damned psyched about all this, keep in mind they were also very excited about selling those meat pocket microwaved thingies. Those things fucking BLOW. Not to get on too much of a Jim Gaffigan rant here or nuthin.
(pictured above, Kate Wilentz writes on a banana for a pitch. Out of frame, Brad Harvey deals with his confused arousal.)