Thursday, October 31, 2013

Happy Halloween From EADJ

We at EADJ hope you have a safe and prosperous Halloween. From the lunch ladies who serve food wearing gross witch costumes to the Halloween Headquarters employees making fun of all the slack-ass last minute shoppers, we hope you all enjoy a nice fun sized Zagnut on us.

Now onto today's entry:

Cold Stone Creamery's Secret Menu

Fine eating establishments like In 'N Out Burger and even Starbucks have been known to have secret menus, but did you know Cold Stone Creamery actually has one as well? Turns out that there are even larger sizes beyond the posted ones.

Like It (approximately 5 oz)
Love It (approximately 8 oz)
Gotta Have It (approximately 12 oz)

Really Want It (approximately 15 oz)
Seriously Fucking Need It (approximately 19 oz)
Jonesing For It In A Bad Way (approximately 20 oz)
Really, Really, Really Need It, Man, C'mon (approximately 28 oz)
Not Going To Frickin' Ask You Twice For It (approximately 32 oz)
I Can Quit It Anytime (approximately 35 oz)
Might Have To Pawn My TV For It (approximately 40 oz)
My Wife Will Leave Me If I Continue It (approximately 43 oz)
Look At How Hard My Dick Is I Want It So Bad (approximately 49 oz)
To Hell With My Family's Intervention About It (approximately 52 oz)
I Hate Myself But It's Bigger Than Me Now (approximately 55 oz)
Would Rape My Grandmother For It (approximately 68 oz)

Order any of these next time you're at Cold Stone Creamery!

Wednesday, October 30, 2013

This Week In Hip Hop Awfulness

Chrishan couldn't located the thermostat to his new mansion, so he just burned the foyer rug for warmth.

Vanilla Ice once asked "Will it ever stop?" And Giggs takes it further by asking "when?" The "it" he's referring to, of course, is the blatant disregard for private property that some ne'er-do-wells tend to have. No respect for the homeowner!

Jhené was pretty bummed when the fabulous "party boat" her boyfriend bragged about having turned out to be a 17th Century tea freighter.

I'm not sure if Loaded Lux is talking to me to get this work or is urging Shaq to. Or is Shaq addressing Loaded Lux? And why are they using Ferrari and Stomp typefaces? Is anybody in charge here?

Lungz needs to clean up his computer desktop.

Here's a design hint: If you're depicting someone jumping in the air, don't put a drop shadow behind them. Otherwise it looks like they just tripped like an idiot and are splayed out on some poster board.

Nobody dressed up for the photo. They also refused so sit closer to one another. Only one of them even bothered looking at the camera. But Grandma loves you all so much that she's going to frame this lovely photo anyway, y' hear?

I can't tell if this guy is majorly high or has some Asian blood in him. Yeah, I'm racist.

Using sale items from Halloween Headquarters to threaten women into twerking sounds like a bizarre, awful plan for the night. But it just might work.

Great Jesus.

Young Dolph's E.T. heartlight was too big to hold all the love in the world, so he unleashed it near the Tappan Zee Bridge, away from the prying eyes of the haters.


Clive Owen fucking hates to wait in line at Caribou Coffee.

If you're an astronaut, I don't think you'd need shades. How much cooler can you be if you're already wearing a friggin' spacesuit? If anything, the Ray Bans cheapens the whole look. Sandra Bullock didn't wear shades.

Okay, Sasha, I'll give you that- that is nutty. All of it. But it's sad that two different types of grey alien can't find some common ground and build a functional rapping android.

Meanwhile, DJ Khaled could really use an Excedrin.

Tuesday, October 29, 2013

So How's Alice Gainer Doing On Channel 10/55/Whatever?

A few weeks ago we reported on the reporter Alice Gainer now holding down the desk at WLNY 10/55 instead of breaking up Maurice Dubois (it means "of wood") and Kristine Johnson, the best damned news team ever. So how is our former homewrecker doing over there?


Holdin' it down.
Gettin' it done.
Makin' it happen.
Readin' that prompter.

Reportin' those headlines.
Catchin' it live.
Doin' it up right.
Kickin' ass and takin' names. Also, reportin' those names.

Shakin' shit up.
Throwin' it all out there.
Takin' it as it comes.
Gleamin' the cube.
Maskin' the tape.

And AG isn't the only one moonlighting. Correspondent Tracee Carrasco (try typing that five times fast) is also burning the candle at both networks, working a sensible blouse by day...

And the Kermit the Frog reporter overcoat at night. Serious!

This, of course, frees Kristine Johnson up to pose for flower seed packet point of purchase displays.

Monday, October 28, 2013

CSI: EADJ: Second Response

It's time once again for CSI: EADJ, where our crack team of expert investigators examine crime scene clues and try to recreate the most likely scenario that could have left such bizarre evidence. And when we say "crack team," we mean me and whatever I think up over my lunch break. Hmm, should I go for a hoagie today?

CASE 489566
Location: New York City

CASE 489567
Location: New York City

CASE 489568
Location: New York City

Note: within a span of one week, random apples were spotted strewn uneaten on the streets and subway stations near Midtown.

CASE 489569
Location: Union, New Jersey, outside a Dollar Store

CASE 489570
Location: Deptford, New Jersey at the Returns Department of a Home Depot

CASE 489571
Submitted by Special Agent Andrew Gall via "text messaging" technology
Location: some bar in Chicago, Illinois

Friday, October 25, 2013

A Very Smecial Dreams Entry: Andrew Files A Follow-Up Report With A Full Description Of Megan's "Danny Devito" Dream

Andrew had promised earlier to get a more in-depth description of Megan's excellent Danny Devito dream, as covered earlier this week. After having consulted with her further, Andrew now has a full transcript of the dream:

Staying at my parents’ house, I had developed a habit of going downstairs at 2 or 3 a.m. Periodically, I could hear something going on outside: voices, etc. but I never bothered to look behind the curtains. Finally, I did, and this is what I saw:

Danny DeVito with a baseball team of little people, all in blue uniforms.


Danny, upset that he had been “caught,” explained how he coaches these teams of little people. But detailed that you must have a Master’s Degree to play. But it was more complicated than that. If you wanted to play a different sport coached by DeVito, you had to have a different Master’s: one for football, one for baseball, and so on.

Everyone was really nice. 

**Slight Update:

Thursday, October 24, 2013

The ProofrEADJer, Disturbing Source Material Edition

From deviantART:

From the Dollar Section at the front of Target (not the incomplete word):

From the original edition of Herman Melville's "Moby Dick:"

Don't ask:

From the DRIcore instructional DVD, as reviewed in last week's EADJ DVD Freestyle, which apparently shows you how to build a hidden sex dungeon:

Wednesday, October 23, 2013

A Smecial Dreams Entry, With A Bonus Comparison Of The iPhone iOS6 and iOS7

iOS6: Lots of shading, bevels on buttons, "aqua" look on chat balloons, and bold, block fonts.

iOS7: Pared down and simpler graphics all around- no unnecessary shading on the battery icon, chat balloons or bevel in the time of day display. Lighter, airier fonts. Operates way slower and drains the battery like a motherfucker.