Thursday, August 28, 2008

Unmitigated Failure

I spotted this earlier today. Fancy that.

RELATED UPDATE: In a creative meeting, I stood between Brynn & Larry K. I congratulated Brynn for winning and she said, "Thanks." Then the CD overheard and asked, "What'd you win?" And Brynn and Larry K muttered, "Rolly Wrap." HAHAHHAHAHAHAHA

Judgment Day.

Larry K judged the Rolly Wrap contest at 4pm yesterday. He evaluated the entries not just on accuracy as was originally planned but on artistic merit and overall presentation.

Entry 1 by Joanne

"Close," Larry commented, "Everyone assumes that spiral." But the process of making a Rolly Wrap, Larry says, involves a little more.

Entry 2 by Brynn
Entry 2 was also close on accuracy but Larry pointed out that a Rolly Wrap is "not open on the ends." He described the bread as not starting out as a wrap, but like pizza dough that they pinch off at the ends ("like a toffee") and then bake, so that it's entirely enclosed. Still, this entry had the "best accuracy for how they make it."

Entry 3 by Tom
"Tortured." Larry K noted how the artist's anger towards a client had the Verizon Test Man inside the wrap, which was one thing, but the toothpick was "gratuitously violent."

Entry 4 by Mike Gambino
"A little ostentatious." Larry likened this entry to a kid he knew in school who could draw a little too well, being courted at 16 to draw Marvel Comics after graduation. He did, however, like the aesthetic choice to go retro with the roller skate instead of a rollerblade.

Entry 5 by Kat
This one surprised Larry. He actually thought this was from a writer because of its crudeness and being the most "3-year old."

Entry 6 by Bowen
"Avant Garde. But just feels so incredibly wrong."
Larry commends the artist for going different ("I appreciate Warholian anarchy") but he couldn't get behind it.

So overall, Larry called the entire contest "an unmitigated failure across the board," but forced to decide, he went with entry #2 for being "closest to how it's actually made." So congratulations, Brynn, come claim your free Rolly Wrap gift bag whenever.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

Let's Force The EADJ Mail Sack To Share Its Fries With Its Little Brother!

Submitted by Pat Ng, "found in the PayPal parking lot:"

Junk 'n Donuts

On a dare from a reader, I agreed to order from that little cart near work that stores donuts at cock-level. If that makes you question this writer's maturity, maybe you shouldn't be reading a blog named "Eat A Dick Joel," smartypants.

Overall, not a harrowing experience, but not a pleasant one either. But at $1 a donut, it's way, way cheaper than ever ordering from that place across the street, Pret A Manger. *shudder*

Tuesday, August 26, 2008

What I'm Thinking As I'm Riding With A Guy On A Motorcycle

• Is this gay?

• This isn't gay. Straight guys do this all the time.

• Am I holding onto him too tight?

• Am I not holding onto him tight enough?

• Am I holding onto him like I'm being all homophobic about it?

• Man, he's making me hold on tighter every time he guns it.

• I think he wants me to hold on tighter, but he's not telling me.

• Is there a way I can hold on gingerly, without being homophobic?

• Hey, what if I don't hold on at all, is that okay?

• HOLY SHIT, I could have fallen just then.

• I really shouldn't move my hands up and down like that. That's kind of sensual.

• What if a hot chick sees us. That would kind of suck.

• No it wouldn't. I'm being homophobic again. If she were an enlightened, open-minded hot chick then she would see two guys– not necessarily gay– on a motorcycle. Get over yourself.

• Wow, this guy is really ripped. He must do those crossover sit-ups.

• I should have worn a shirt.

(pictured above, a submission by Matt S, who said he was bored today)

Well, I'll Be Damned.

Somebody paid their taxes. Or blew the mayor.

Rolly Wrap deadline is tomorrow at 3pm, btw.

Dear Pathmark Gum Machine Guy:

Nice message you're sending the kids. Fuck you, buddy.

Monday, August 25, 2008

Follow-Up To "Stupid News"

"Those weapons- they were just for show. They were there to make us look as 'ninja' as possible." - Jesse Tronjaniak

While this news story is still fresh in our minds (and hearts) a fair question to ask "ninja enthusiasts" Tadeusz Pertkiewicz and Jesse Tronjaniak would be, "What other weapons did you consider that didn't make you guys look 'ninja' enough?" The answers were surprising:

• Fanny pack
• Hummel "Milkmaiden" figurine
• Mylanta tablet bandoleer
• Jumbo book of difficult Sudokus
• Handful of cooked cous-cous
• Thighmaster, painted black
• Fan letter to Steven Seagal
• iPod shuffle full of Wu Tang Clan tunes
• Flaccid penis
• VHS copy of "Golden Girls, Season 2"
• Rag that smells vaguely of melon
• Assortment of D.A.R.E. pamphlets
• Garden weasel
• Elie Wiesel
• Coupon good for $5 off any regular size Pizza at Pizza Hut

(special shout out to J'Net for list idea)

In Other Stupid News...

A little after the 10-minute mark into their broadcast, Channel 2 News turns totally retarded. As if somehow all the international goings on in Georgia, Pakistan, Zimbabwe, and even Denver are set aside for stories about bears wandering into barber shops or armadillos driving tractors. Like the guy in their news room is going, "Yeah, yeah, yeah Darfur whatever. Where's my segment about that four-eared Yoda cat?!"

One story that does bear mentioning involves these two teens in Jersey who decided to go vigilante on some drug dealers and dressed up as ninjas to drive them out of their neighborhood. Video clip:

This story is awesome on 4 counts:

1) Vigilante justice
2) Stupid teenagers
4) Jersey
5) Drug dealers who probably have guns in response to whatever shiruken or nunchuku those two boys might have brought to the party.
6) "Looking as ninja as possible."
7) The title "Ninja Enthusiast"

I know I said only 4, but fuck that. That shit is HOT. I officially do that thing where I punch my chest twice, kiss two fingertips, then make the peace sign for Tadeusz Pertkiewicz and Jesse Tronjaniak. Respeck.

Full story here.


We actually have 2 Rolly Wrap items to announce:

1) The Old Bridge Deli on 41st & Lexington, the unofficial "Home of the Rolly Wrap," has BEEN CLOSED DOWN by the City of New York! Huge orange posters on the locked doors announce to disappointed would-be Rolly Wrap eaters that the property has been seized due to tax evasion:

This legal snarl has not only bummed out hundreds of lunchgoers but has threatened to severely alter the EADJ Rolly Wrap Drawing Contest. Will this affect the deadline? Will there even be a contest now? Will we be forced to eat at that horribly overpriced Pret A Manger now? *shudder*

Most importantly, with The Old Bridge Deli closed, how can we confirm what a Rolly Wrap even looks like now? The answer to this last question is simple: Larry K remains the only person to have seen one of those things, and he has agreed to still judge the contest. EADJ has consequently sent security guards to stand guard and protect Larry's life until the contest deadline. Let's hope his memory of what a Rolly Wrap looks like stays intact for the next few weeks.

EADJ will continue to monitor the latest developments of The Old Bridge Deli's closing and of Larry's health.

2) Despite the serious governmental setback, submissions have continued to pour in. So far we have Rolly Wrap drawings from:


The deadline is still Wednesday, August 27 at 3pm. We are eagerly awaiting YOUR submission! Send all submissions here.

Friday, August 22, 2008

The Day I Found VD in My Salad.

It's not every day you manage to spot a social disease in your lunch.

See it? VD!

Holy Mother of Goldschlager. Pewter Bear. You're back.

Yeah, yeah, yeah. We didn't ask you what you've been up to. We just commented that you were back. Like we haven't been missing you. At all.

That's right. Pukefucker. Let it soak into your thick, hateable pewter skull. We don't like you here. Hell, nobody ANYWHERE likes you, Pewter Bear. You're a miserable, kickable, douchetastic explosion of detestable mule droppings on a piss cart.

Hmm. True.

Retail Hell: Cutout Bin

David notices some serious cameltoe at Victoria's Secret.

Thursday, August 21, 2008

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Metro Smog Check

The area around downtown Memphis has an Air Quality Index (AQI) of 53 today, which is a "moderate" level for people who are unusually sensitive to pollutants. They should limit prolonged outdoor exertion, according to the EPA.

And speaking of air quality, I really hate it when someone lights up a cigarillo in my town car. Especially the cherry-flavored ones. By the end of the night, they make me smell like a hooker!

EADJ Reader Update

Breaking blog news from Bill Dow:

"i just got banned from a blog's comment section for not using capital letters."

Bill says the owner of the Chicago Tribune blog "Change of Subject" banned all his posts because of stylistic differences, but also probably because he called him "an Obama shill."

The blogger posted his post for banning him:

ZORN REPLY -- It's not acceptable Internet style here at Change of Subject. If you don't care enough about what you're saying even to use capital letters, why should anyone care what you have to say at all? Consider this your last warning.

you're banning me for not using capital letters? with a sentence that contains a grammatical error? here's some capital letters for you: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

good luck with the blog, generalissimo.

ZORN -- Yup!

"nothing could make my day more complete," Bill wrote.

Please note that at EADJ, you can pretty much write whatever however you want here, and we will rarely block you. Your non-capped comments are safe here, Bill.

(pictured above, a photo that came up when I Googled "Bill Dow")

Retail Hell: Deceptive Advertising

Last weekend, I was browsing the action figure section of Target– because I am creepy– and I came across these little numbers:

Cool. Mini Transformer guys. But as I reached for one, I noticed some LEGAL on the package:

What in the Sam Shit? Transformers that don't transform? What kind of Hellish, Orwellian alternate universe am I in? So they've taken some really cool toys, made an updated cartoon about the toys, then made newer toys based on the TV series based on the original toys that don't transform? I'm impressed at how meta and retarded this has gotten. The four year olds in the toy aisle with me learned a few new words that day, let me tell you.

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Coming Soon: The Rolly Wrap Competition

There's this deli on Lexington & 41st Street that sells something called Rolly Wraps. Now, I've never personally seen one, but it sounds candy-like and a little unsanitary. What we're doing here at EADJ is collecting people's artistic renderings of what they think a rolly wrap looks like, to be judged by Toucan Cleric's Fun's own Larry K, who has seen one in person. He will judge the most accurate and/or most interesting drawings and EADJ will reward that person with something of value. Maybe even an all-expenses trip to the Rolly Wrap deli.

Please send all Rolly Wrap drawing or Photoshop submissions to under the subject line "Rolly Wrap." Judging will be on Wednesday, August 27 at 3pm. There is no other significance to that date.

Official Rules:
•Drawing must be smaller than 8.5 x 11" using any materials
•No cheating. You cannot trace an actual Rolly Wrap
•Video or audio submissions will not be returned
•Drawings of penises will not count, Joel

Good luck to everyone who submits!

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Farm News

Gary Schnitkey, farm financial management specialist at the University of Illinois, forecasts that corn and soybean producers will see significant price increases for all input costs next year.

Which reminds me, if you're ever using the bathroom at the Fast Max grocery store in Terre Haute, IN, make sure you tell an employee before they lock you in there during closing time. Wise words, that.

Also, to whoever thinks I'm a "doppelganger" for Vince Soliven, of course I am. I'm his mother's brother. I used to do crazy things with my hair when I was his age growing up in Michigan. He'll grow out of it, believe me.

A Reunion of Sorts.

2 doppelgangers join forces to recreate the glory days of Blamer Brasselt (organization name changed to avoid the scrutiny of its principals, Beter Brivbrovich, Barshall Bross and Braren Breamen)

Let's Make Fun of the EADJ Mail Sack's Pog Collection!

Submitted by John Reid, I present to you the Fatter, Smarter Version of Andrew Gall:

The Fatter, Smarter Version of Andrew Gall is a professor, software developer and author on software security.

His latest writing can be found here.

Andrew Gall, on the other hand, quotes G.I. Joe PSAs and farts in front of his fiancée.

A sample of Andrew's writing can be found here.

Retail Hell: Sidewalk Sale

Good news! Now your child can simulate going outside while still being chained to your radiator!

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

And Now, Vince's Uncle Roberto with The Market Watch.

Stocks today continued their slide from the previous session on worries about ailing financial firms, while concerns about the economy were also fueled by weak housing data, rising wholesale prices, and falling sales and profits at several retailers.

Also, if you're in the Boston area, and you're eating at Alinda's Deli & Catering, don't order the ham & honey wrap. I saw the girl scratch her crotch while preparing the meat this morning. Be safe.